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loveandcare
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« on: October 26, 2018, 09:50:03 PM »

Hi Everyone  

So - my husband and I are at a bit of a cross-roads and would appreciate any input. We have tried everything you can think of to help of DD over the past 6-7 years. Since turning 18, we have continued to try and help but also encouraged her to at least get a job etc. Everything has failed, and shortly after she turned 18 we discovered she had turned to smoking oxy (an opioid). That has lead to months of chaos - running away, coming back a week later, promising to stay off drugs, only to find she's been using again, leaving again, stealing, etc. etc. We have tried everything to help, including medical help, and most recently we literally had to keep her indoors for 10 days straight to try ketamine infusions, but we now suspect she somehow snuck out at night and smoked a bit, meaning the ketamine didn't work. The day after her 4th infusion, she was gone for 48 hours, almost certainly doing drugs etc.

Anyway - we are at the end of what we are willing to do. After years of abuse, chaos, turmoil, lies, stealing, and minimal effort on her part while everyone else battles (and pays) to help her, we are pretty much done. Yes, we still adore her, but we have had to accept that she has chosen drugs. However - and here is the tricky thing - we do not want her living here because her idea of living here is to sleep all day, then go out at night having unprotected sex and doing drugs, only to roll home when she feels like it to repeat. She does not have a job, she has only worked a couple of jobs and they never called her back (self sabotage), so no income (I suspect she trades sex for drugs, but I can't prove it). She contributes nothing financially to the household, and although she has chores, she only does them begrudgingly and with half effort and generally makes more work than helping (eg unloading the DW, she'll stack things in the wrong place and all messy).

So - we will not tolerate drugs in the house, period. We do not want her here stealing from us and sleeping all day long only to wake up an be rude, abrasive, and abusive. On the flip side, asking her to leave feels like turning a 10 year old out onto the streets. She is so immature and incapable of any self-insight, it is heart-breaking. hence, we are torn - do we have to suffer with this dreadful behavior that just brings so much chaos into our lives or do we turn out a "child" to fend for herself?

We've set rules and boundaries, but she just ignores them. Would love to hear what others thoughts or ideas are! 
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« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2018, 11:46:48 PM »

Hi lovedandcare

Welcome to the bpdfamily Welcome new member (click to insert in post)  I'm sorry that you are going through such difficult circumstances.

Asking her to leave feels like turning a 10 year old out onto the streets. She is so immature and incapable of any self-insight, it is heart-breaking. hence, we are torn - do we have to suffer with this dreadful behavior that just brings so much chaos into our lives or do we turn out a "child" to fend for herself?

We've set rules and boundaries, but she just ignores them.

Such a difficult decision that many parents here are faced with.  The idea that you need them to grow up and fend for themselves, so they are not leaning on you for all the wrong reasons is the "normal" that we all aspire to.  Unfortunately, our BPD children are challenged in their emotional growth.  How we as parents help them to bridge that gap is the million dollar question. 

Are you able to engage her in a conversation about moving out, whether it be to a halfway house, or other residential support.  How do you think she would take this?  It may be a big step for both of you, talking through it with her might help you both better understand what could occur with some likelihood of success.

The issue with drugs is very consuming and I don't have direct experience here so hopefully other parents can chime in.  In the interim, I encourage you to learn, there is plenty of information on the board to the right Bullet: important point (click to insert in post)

Most of all, look after yourself.  I hope you have good support around you.

Merlot

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« Reply #2 on: October 27, 2018, 08:58:02 AM »

Hi again loveandcare

I'm sorry to hear your DD's failed to allow ketamine a chance for her, you've given everything and find your self at this crossroad asking yourself what next? No I don't think we have to suffer dreadful behaviour and chaos when there is no sight of them helping themselves, it reinforces maladaptive behaviours. If you were able to see a glimmer of progress, more may come.

Merlot asks the question, I echo

Are you able to engage her in a conversation about moving out, whether it be to a halfway house, or other residential support.  How do you think she would take this?  It may be a big step for both of you, talking through it with her might help you both better understand what could occur with some likelihood of success.

Do you think she knows it might becoming, that you are done?

WDx
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« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2018, 12:44:21 AM »

Thank you both for your feedback. Yes - we have had this conversation, I'm sad to say. It's tragic. Although I am beyond frustrated with her behavior, I have always found the strength (from goodness knows where, because I am worn out with it all!) to make it clear that we love her to bits, and will help in any way we can as long as she is fighting the fight with us, and not against us. We also made it clear that we don't want *her* to leave, per se; we want the drugs to leave. Additionally, if she wants to stay here she needs to start behaving in ways that are productive and moving forwards.

Thus far, she has sabotaged ever effort/therapy/group/medication/treatment we've tried, and believe me when I say we've tried them all. I would estimate she has been on at least 20 different medications. We have tried: traditional one-on-one therapy, group therapy, family therapy, art therapy, CBT, DBT, EMDR, relaxation classes, equine therapy, private therapy, case management, life-skills training (2 rounds of that)... .the list goes on. She has, figuratively, stuck her middle finger up at it all while wailing "nothing helps!".

Most recently, as I mentioned in the OP, we did a course of ketamine, at the out of pocket cost of $2K. which proved to be a waste of time, energy, effort, and money (it was a 5 hour round trip each time, 4 times in one week!) since we discovered she was almost certainly smoking oxy. This was despite my husband sleeping in the spare room, she was in bed with me (so she couldn't leave at night), with my bedroom door tied closed with plastic shopping bags so I would be woken up if she tried to leave). Somehow she managed (we think) to smoke a bit in the bathroom when she was "having a shower".

The treatment ended Monday, and we were told to hang tight until Wednesday to ascertain the results (or not)... .she was gone by Tuesday night, and it is now Saturday and I have seen her once, briefly, when she came home to sleep and eat. I am not willing to be treated this way - as a simple port of call to use our facilities then off again.

We really have 2 issues. The drugs is zero tolerance, so if we discover that in the house, then we are no longer willing to have her here and unless she agrees to rehab, she will have to leave. However, there is also the issue of just laying around doing nothing, sleeping all day, waking up and going on her phone, then going off late at night to goodness knows where (half the time in the middle of the night and leaving the house unlocked). That is not a lifestyle we are willing to support either.

I suspect she will be home sometime over the weekend, and it is time for us to stand at the cross-roads and for her to make a decision too. It's going to be a testing weekend, I'm sure.

The hardest thing is we do understand that her BPD is driving this chaotic thinking, but the absolute chaos it brings is just too much to carry anymore. So, so sad... .
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« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2018, 01:48:12 AM »

What if you gave her a choice, substance abuse treatment (inpatient), or move out? I would research your options with your insurance company, talk to some centers, and have something potentially all lined up for her if she chooses treatment. Try to find something away from your current area, so it is not easy for her to leave and access her drug connections. As she is a legal adult, you cannot force her to go into treatment, but given a choice for a chance, a warm safe bed, and help, or leave your home for shelter, friend, or fending for herself, she may just choose the treatment option. I think the key is offering it with love and sincere desire for her to get clean because you know its too hard to do on ones own. Make it easy for her to choose treatment. But know there's a good chance she may not. Let her know you love her and that you will help her get into treatment if she changes her mind later. There is always hope. My 19 year old was addicted to opioids and alcohol at 17. Took 2 rounds of treatment (first outpatient, then inpatient), but she did turn her life around and is now 20 months clean and sober thanks to treatment, suboxone, and cutting out all her drug using friends for sober peers.
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« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2018, 10:09:41 AM »

Thank you both for your feedback. Yes - we have had this conversation, I'm sad to say. It's tragic. Although I am beyond frustrated with her behavior, I have always found the strength (from goodness knows where, because I am worn out with it all!) to make it clear that we love her to bits, and will help in any way we can as long as she is fighting the fight with us, and not against us. We also made it clear that we don't want *her* to leave, per se; we want the drugs to leave. Additionally, if she wants to stay here she needs to start behaving in ways that are productive and moving forwards.

Loveandcare how did she respond in your conversation?

Disneymom so glad to hear your DD's turned her life round 
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« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2018, 10:39:49 AM »

Hi Loveandcare,

Wow you really have tried a lot. Unfortunately it goes to show that unless they want to get better and do the work, they won't.

Giving her a choice between moving out and going to inpatient rehab is a good idea. Given her recent behavior, she may initially decide to move out. If things get too hard for her she may eventually take you up on your offer of rehab.

It's hard to tell when they're desperate if they really want to get better or if they just want to not be homeless. My daughter has agreed to do inpatient psychiatric q couple times to be stabilized when she was desperate but as soon as she was out she stopped taking meds and went back to old ways. Making her do some of the work to get herself to rehab or find rehab for herself if she does initially move out should make it more clear if she's serious about it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is tragic. You have tried everything to help her. It's so terrible when they won't help themselves.

Let us know how it's going. I hope you're ok.
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loveandcare
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« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2018, 07:53:45 PM »

HI DisneyMom - Yes, we have offered her rehab, and we also went the route of the Vivitrol shots and the equivalent of the shot in pill form. She refuses to get the shot again, and she continued smoking on the pills. She has declined rehab. I am so happy to hear your DD is better tho! It gives me hope =0)

The biggest issue for our DD is that her BPD has manifested after years and years of torment/severe bullying at school... .she has no friends. When I say none, I mean zero. Or at least she didn't, until she got in with the people who do drugs and the men who take advantage of her. If I take away the emotional/visceral response I feel to that, I can actually understand how powerful a draw that must be for her: for the first time ever she has people who want her to be around, and in the case of the sex stuff - for that short moment in time she feels wanted... .unlike the years of pain she experienced thru high-school when she was so painfully lonely, isolated, and ostracized.

Wendydarling - it is Sunday evening, and we haven't heard from her. I have no idea where she is or what she is doing, so at this point there has been no conversation, unfortunately.

HI Hyacinth Bucket - are you from England? I love that show! LOL! Yeah, we've offered rehab. She minimizes the problem and refuses to go. If she showed even a glimmer of willingness to help herself, we'd keep on the battle, but right now she just doesn't care. Heartbreaking.

Thank you all though - I appreciate the fact that you have even read my post and replied! It's the small things 
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« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2018, 08:41:28 PM »

Hi Loveandcare,

I'm glad you got that reference! I'm actually from the US. My mom had terrible insomnia when I was a kid and they'd play all the British comedies on PBS late at night. She'd watch them in the spare bedroom. If I couldn't sleep I'd go in and watch with her.

It is heartbreaking. My daughter minimizes her addiction, too. That does make a lot of sense why she would find the social aspect of drugs appealing. I think my daughter actually has the same issue. We adopted her from fostercare and having gone through 25 foster homes she also never had any friends whatsoever.  I wonder if she would like something like narcotics anonymous or SMART recovery meetings, since the focus is on supporting one another.

I'm so sorry you're at this point. It really does sound like you've tried everything.
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« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2018, 04:03:40 AM »

Hi loveandcare

Been wondering how you're doing?   

WDx
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« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2018, 02:44:31 PM »

Thank you all! Sorry I’ve been quiet. I’m kind of confused about the timelines now, but in a nutshell the last 3-4 weeks has been horrendous. The got scammed out of $500 due to her poor decisions. Left for 2 weeks on some kind of “I can be independent” drug fest. We told her the only way she could come back was if she had shot. She agreed. Has had it, but tested positive for benzodiazepines. Last night ended up getting assaulted and her purse stolen. Lost her expensive phone. The list is endless. I just don’t know what else to do st this point.
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« Reply #11 on: December 14, 2018, 02:15:01 PM »

I have a question... .I feel my husband and I have done a pretty decent job of enforcing boundaries and accepting that at 18 she is free to make her own decisions. However, those decisions invariably lead to horrible consequences and hence a whole bunch of drama that we are then impacted by. This is what I’m really struggling with right now.

Recent example: we said she could only live here if she had the anti-opiate shot. She agreed. She is free to go out (even though I hate it because of the type of people she hangs out with), and insisted on going out the very night of the shot.

Long story short, she ended up in a park with some guy who sexually assaulted her, then ran off with her purse containing her ID, phone etc.

You can imagine the fall out from that, and this is where we’re stuck... .we’ve done what is advised; put boundaries in place, stopped controlling her, etc... .but then our home becomes a hotbed of drama... .drama that I don’t want. And that’s on top of the devastation of seeing her beaten up and bedraggled.

I just don’t know what to do. Her choices impact everyone and create so much turmoil and chaos. ideas? Tips? Advice?
Please excuse my ramblings... .for one I’m typing this on a phone and for two I’m not in s good place right now.
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Only Human
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« Reply #12 on: December 16, 2018, 03:47:11 PM »

Hello loveandcare  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I have been following along with your journey, sorry for not posting before. It's clear you love your daughter; you and your H have done so much to help her to turn her life around, yet she continues to sabotage your efforts.

If I understand the timeline correctly, she was given a choice in late August: Treatment or leave. She left and came back after three days, willing to take opioid blockers. Then in October, she was doing Ketamine treatments but you suspect she may have been smoking oxy, rendering the Ketamine treatments ineffective.

Have you been doing random drug testing? If the boundary is "no drug use," you need a way to monitor that. It should also be stressed that any refusal to test will be seen the same as testing "dirty."

It's very difficult to set boundaries with our children, and especially so when BPD is added to the mix. You have said that you will not tolerate drug use in your home and that is a very reasonable boundary.

Excerpt
she was gone by Tuesday night, and it is now Saturday and I have seen her once, briefly, when she came home to sleep and eat. I am not willing to be treated this way - as a simple port of call to use our facilities then off again.

Do you think she's leaving to do drugs and staying gone long enough for them to be out of her system? If this is the case, drug testing won't likely be an effective gauge. How do you feel about a "sleep here every night" rule?

I agree with wendydarling,
No I don't think we have to suffer dreadful behaviour and chaos when there is no sight of them helping themselves, it reinforces maladaptive behaviours. If you were able to see a glimmer of progress, more may come.

It seems you and your husband have gone above and beyond to help your DD and I am wondering what type of support you have for yourselves. You mentioned you don't have family near and you are embarrassed to discuss your troubles with friends.

Have you heard of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon? They are 12 step groups, like AA and NA, but for the family members and friends of alcoholics and addicts. I preferred Al-Anon over Nar-Anon because it seemed that the members were more focused on personal growth.

Do you have your own therapist?

I'm glad you continue to post here, having support is critical to our own mental health.

~ OH
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« Reply #13 on: December 16, 2018, 04:08:21 PM »

Hi!  What a tough situation!  It is like your hands are tied here.  Unfortunately she will continue to make bad choices until she learn not to.  maybe we can help support you as you work your way through this. 

Unfortunately I am not sure what specific recommendations to make.  I do think that Only Human made a great point about you and your husband getting more support.   In addition to us, Al-Anon and those types of groups can help a great deal.

Keep reaching out when you want or feel the need to.  We are here.
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« Reply #14 on: December 16, 2018, 04:21:59 PM »

I am wondering if you have considered therapy for yourselves. In my experience, people with drug addiction do very poorly if anybody else is more invested in their recovery than they are. Parents generally love their children more than their children love them. It is so hard for parents to take a back seat to their children's involvement with drugs and destructive behaviors, because we love our children so much and want our children to be able to take care of themselves after we leave this Earth. Also, it seems that you and your husband really need some kind of peace, as much as that is possible, from all the emotional turmoil you are feeling about your daughter. Please do not take what I am saying as blame or judgment. Parents do not choose their children, and parents sometimes have children with so many mental health challenges, that at times it can just seem impossible to help them. One thing we have to do with our children which is extremely challenging is to let our child fail, which is so heartbreaking and nerve racking when you have child with the problems your daughter has. None of us in this group can truly say what we would do in your situation, and we can only listen and make suggestions that might be helpful based on our own experiences, though your situation is similar; it is unique in its own ways. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.
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« Reply #15 on: December 16, 2018, 08:34:57 PM »

Hi Loveandcare, I'm so sorry your DD was assaulted, my DD has been assaulted twice, it's devastating! How did, has your reacted to being assaulted? Was there any recognition she'd placed herself in a vulnerable position?

As for the impact and chaos caused, on your family and home, I'm thinking if our approach isn't working, we change it, which you have many times, it's a process.
I echo Only Human's suggestion  Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, gain critical support.

Hang in there.

WDx
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« Reply #16 on: December 16, 2018, 11:10:28 PM »

Thank you all so much for the ideas, advice, and primarily the support! It means more than you will ever know (although I hope you do have some idea of how much!  ). So I’ll try and respond as best I can, but again I’m on my phone so I can’t flip back and forth between the posts easily, so I’m going from memory! My apologies if I miss things.

Yes, the timeline given is pretty accurate. She did the usual stay then leave, return, stay, leave cycle for a bit beyond the ketamine until we said, “enough. We love you, and it pains us to see you hurting yourself in this way, but we can no longer help you unless you are willing to help yourself. To do that, at an absolute minimum, you must take the meds, get healthy, quit sleeping all day long, get a job etc.”. She agreed because she knew we were serious.

To ttake the anti-opiate shot, you need to take 7 days of an oral med. she made it to day 6, then asked to go out. We strongly advised her not to, but said the final decision was hers. She left, saying she’d be back by 10.30am the following day (which, although she’s 18 and legally old enough to decide, I hate because I know she’s sleeping (unprotected) with whoever she’s with that night). That was the last we saw of her for 2 weeks.

The only communication we had from her was the occasional text saying how sick she was, how she was losing weight, hated where she was etc. It made for a pitiful read. However, rather than buy into the game, I would respond with something like, “I’m sorry you are sick. Unfortunately the health choices you are making will make you sick. If you decide to get well, let me know and we can discuss our options. I love you, take care of yourself”. Of course, my parental instinct was to zoom to wherever she was, rescue her, feed her, nurture her... .etc”, but I recognize she has to want to get well, so I stuck to my guns.

Long story short, she lasted almost 2 weeks then cracked. She begged to come back, promised to take the shot, and so on. We met her (not at home) and had a long talk. I used a lot of the skills I’ve learned here. My visceral response, if I’m honest, is to scream and yell, “wth are you doing to yourself? It’s like watching a drowning person refuse a life raft. Every decision your making results in drama, chaos, and potentially serious injury or death”., but I managed to stay calm (god knows how, I was tearing my hair out). After some intense negotiations, we agreed to one last chance at getting the shot. Any screw ups, and she would no longer be allowed in the home... .

Which brings us to this week. Sorry this is getting long, btw,... .anyway we got thru the week of pre-meds, and finally got the shot. Hallelujah! So surprise surprise she wants to go out. I’m peeved because her sibling was in town, but her druggie loser friends are more important I guess. Anyway - sure enough shortly thereafter she’s assaulted and robbed.

This is about 3-4 weeks since she was taken for a ride and had $500 stolen. So now she is -$500, no phone, no job, and has been assaulted. Lord give me strength! She takes mild responsibility for what happened, but mainly blames everyone else. She was comatose with depression for 2 days. Now suddenly she’s gone out again tonight. And we have no way to contact her.

I’m sorry... .I’m waffling here and this turned into a novel! She did recognize her thinking is impulsive and erratic tonight, and we discussed DBT for her. She appeared lucid and quite communicative but within 20 mins of that conversation she was elusive and avoiding eye contact again, then left abruptly. Sigh... .

The saga continues... .thx again.
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« Reply #17 on: December 16, 2018, 11:14:18 PM »

Sorry - I meant to add, we have zero family near us. And honestly their idea of advice would be to be stricter and she needs to grow up etc. NOT helpful, to say the least.

As for support groups, we went to a few but they were really not our thing. We had to read extracts from a book etc. which left no time for actual discussion. However I’ve found a program I’m looking into, will post more on that later!

Thanks!
LaC
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« Reply #18 on: December 16, 2018, 11:23:39 PM »

P.P.S... .we have her on the birth control pill because the men she hangs around with refuse to use condoms. Of course, that leaves her vulnerable to STDs, of which she’s had a few. Ugh. However, this is my quandary: it is us who makes sure she takes it every morning, order refills, etc... .if we didn’t, she wouldn’t bother, would forget, etc.

Now, common sense dictates we let her, as an “adult”, take care of her own pill. However, that would amount to basically not taking it, and eventually getting pregnant. She is a million percent unable to raise a child, I certainly don’t want to start again, the baby would be born from some loveless and meaningless sex to a father who is likely a criminal and/or on drugs, and yet the thought of having a grandchild floating around the foster care system is awful!

She told me she doesn’t enjoy sex. She does it to stop them leaving her without any thought of the consequences. She also has said that for that short period of time she feels “wanted by someone”. It is absolutely tragic.

What does one do? She wants the adult side of sex, without any of the responsibility of it, and yet the consequences could be life altering... .and on the other hand I don’t want to have to enable her and basically “take care of things” so she is absolved of the responsibility. Arghhhhh! Lol!
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« Reply #19 on: December 17, 2018, 10:01:00 PM »

Hi LaC,

It's a bummer that you felt the support groups weren't a good fit for you. I had a similar experience when I went to a support group for families of pwBPD in that it was so packed, there was not enough time for everyone to share. I'm eager to hear about the other program you've found.

How are things going?

~ OH
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« Reply #20 on: December 18, 2018, 09:54:24 AM »

Hi there loveandcare

My son28 is a long term drug user. From 15 to 22 we had a rough time coping with his lies, thefts, dropped out of uni and then a private course, lost his job etc. He left home 3 times and each time we had him back. He got dx at 24, downward spiralled and returned home and I found this forum. That’s when our lives turned around. He now lives in a half way sort of situation, works full time and manages his life. I want you to know that there is hope. We are proof of it.

We are happier, we have a better relationship. This is despite son28 not giving up his drug use or committing to treatment.

I’ve got a ton of things to say but don’t want to write too long a post. It’s hard to take it all in. So, as you’re focussed on the drugs, let me start with that. Drugs was my main focus once upon a time.

I tried everything to get my son to give up. It was wasted energy. He didn’t want to give up, still doesn’t. Having said that, he has given everything up other than smoking skunk. He works slowly at reducing (I never ask). In my humble opinion, rehab or giving up won’t work if they aren’t fully committed and doing it for themselves (not for you).

It’s impossible to reason with an an emotionally immature teenager who uses mind altering substances. Add BPD into the mix makes it a nightmare. I used to react to all the drama and chaos the drug use brought, I also added my own twopenneth into the drama too as I was so judgmental. My son felt worthless and I made it worse. The more out of control he got, the more I tried to control the situation. I just wanted to make him see. The hard truth was that he wasn’t listening, he couldn’t listen with the emotional chaos that he and we lived in.

Our son was 24 when we changed our approach. We had no choice as we’d tried everything. His age really helped as there was no excuse that could be made by us or by him. He was a clear adult, albeit an emotionally mature one. His drug use had stunted his development, he was non-functioning. He didn’t want to grow up, he didn’t want the responsibility for himself, he lived hour by hour.

We’d always put more into his life than he did. This is wrong.

We agreed to give him free board and a bed. We had One boundary only - no drugs in the house. This got tricky later on (for another post!). I changed the home environment, got light as a fairy, smiley, open hearted and loving. I never talked about drugs or problems. Oh, here comes the biggy... .we stopped giving him money. Not one penny, not even for cigarettes or his phone.

For a person to behave like an adult, they need to be treated like one. But our kids have BPD and they can’t do it all at once and they need to feel it’s safe to make mistakes without criticism... He needed us to be the parent he needed, not the one I thought I was supposed to be. We all learn by our mistakes.

He was forced to find work. It started with one day here and there. I drove him as he needed.

Now, I’m not condoning drug use but we found that our focussing on it prevented us moving forwards. My first step was to go along to FA and it helped me understand that we cannot change others, only ourselves. This forum gave me some skills and techniques to help me help my son.

Lastly, giving ultimatums never worked for us. Neither did giving him choices. He was so highly charged emotionally he wasn’t thinking straight. We were either too hard or too soft in our parenting.

This is my story. This is not yours. Your daughter is only 18 years old but it sounds like she’s experiencing some tough knocks that are hard to recover from emotionally. Watching them make poor choices is the hardest thing to do. I understand and I’m just so terribly sorry your having to deal with all of this. There’s a way forwards for you, you just need to work through what your key essential priorities are. We can get bogged down with the non-essentials. This is about getting back to basics.

One thing is certain though, you need to make sure you take good care of yourselves first. Whatever it takes to get you more balanced and less reactive. This is a long journey made up of many baby steps. How are you feeling today?

Hugs

LP


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     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
loveandcare
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« Reply #21 on: December 19, 2018, 03:25:35 PM »

Thank  you all - again - for the tremendous support and advice. I am tied up with Christmas right now, and I don't feel it would be respectful to give a half-baked reply when you have spent your valuable time responding to my plight. That is to say that I am so grateful for the ideas, thoughts, and internet love, and I will respond once things get back to normal. Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas and New Year! 
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« Reply #22 on: January 12, 2019, 07:27:22 PM »

So - I've been AWOL due to an extended period of having guests and - surprise surprise - drama with BPD DD. You may recall that about a month or so ago, she got entangled with some scammers/fake checks, leaving her overdrawn by almost $500. Needless to say, she refuses to pay it back, had made no effort to settle the debt with the bank, refuses to acknowledge any responsibility etc. and has basically walked from the account. However, she seems to have a magic supply of cash from somewhere because parcels have been arriving and she is able to pay for Uber etc... .? Tragically, I am pretty sure she is involved with something illegal to get the $$, which horrifies me.

Shortly after the check fiasco, she was mugged/sexually assaulted and had a bunch of items stolen. Despite my belief that no means no (she claims she said no to this man), she did meet someone in a dark park she had only known online for 3 weeks. Clearly not a safe situation. Police didn't do much, but we did find out this person is a known criminal and considered homeless to give you an idea of who she hangs out with.

Since then, she has disappeared for days and weeks at a time, floats in and out as if she hasn't a care in the world. Christmas Day she finally shows up after noon, appeared high, and basically upset the day.

In a nutshell, she is spiraling out of control; things are getting worse/more erratic and bizarre. The drug use is escalating. Her "weird" thinking is off the charts, etc. It is absolutely tragic to witness. Anyway - to cut to the chase here, she was on her last chance to stay here. We can no longer tolerate the lies, theft, bizarreness, refusal to get out of bed, leaving house at night, drug use (now barely even hiding it - doing it in house), manipulation, moody/rude/unfriendly behavior, refusal to get job, and so on... .she has sabotaged every single thing we have tried, and has left us drained emotionally, physically, and financially.

Against every maternal fiber of my being, we have had to cut her loose and asked her to leave. I am devastated. We really are between a rock and a hard place, but ultimately my own mental health, our marriage, and our sanity was going to go down the rabbit hole with her. We will not take her back unless she is clean, and to do that she will have to seek out resources herself, arrange them, and follow through. Up to now we have been the driving force - so essentially we were more invested in helping her than she was in herself. Not just for the drug use, but for her BPD, depression, anxiety etc.

As you might imagine, even her "leaving" did not run smooth. She "left" without saying anything to us; we were out for the day only to come home and find her asleep in bed. WTH? She could not/would not explain how she had got there, so we can only assume she hid in the house and came out when we drove off. No idea where she hid because I searched the house once I realized she'd left. She does not have a key (we changed the locks after she stole our last one) or garage door access code, so I guess either she hid very well or managed to get in through a window?

Anyway - she left again that evening... .I awoke to tiny sounds in the room only to find her in the house AGAIN going through her things. She finally left sometime after 6am, and I found a window open, my back door slider open and my front door open. Sure glad she considers our safety and security. I have locked everything securely, so the only way in now is to smash a window. I searched the house high and low, and it's been quiet here all day so I think she has finally gone. Only took 2 days. UGH.

Of course, despite the calm in the home now I am horribly sad and blue to think my beautiful daughter has been reduced to a walking train-wreck. Thank you for reading. xxx
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« Reply #23 on: January 12, 2019, 10:53:46 PM »

Hi loveandcare, and welcome back!

I'm so sorry you've had to make the very difficult decision to ask your DD to move out. Of course you'd be feeling devastated and sad, as you said, it goes against every maternal fiber. My heart goes out to you, loveandcare, none of this is easy 

Have you managed to find some time for self-care?

~ OH
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