I don’t know what’s true

[Fleetwood07]

I feel like I’ve been the worst person ever to my friend. She speaks to me with such hatred in her voice and accuses me of things that she says with such intensity that it makes me think it must be true.

She’s told me that everyday I’ve got an attitude with her, that I’m toxic, I’m manipulative, that she doesn’t like me, that I’ve never been welcome in her bedroom, that I always barge in, that I talk to her horribly, she’s had enough of me, doesn’t care anymore and wants me out of her life.

It’s honestly heartbreaking to hear all of this. She’s my best friend and I care about her so much, and it’s horrible to hear she thinks this of me. I feel like I try so much to show her I care and deep down I don’t think I am this person she’s making me out to be, but I find it hard to understand how somebody would repeatedly say these things without meaning them.

It’s really making me question everything about myself and I feel like I don’t know what to believe.

I’ve read lots of posts on this forum and have seen other people say they get accused or called things too, but how do you know what’s their true feelings and what’s not. I feel so guilty and confused and sad by all of this.

Thank you for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

The conclusion that I came to about true feelings was that my pwBPD truly felt everything she expressed.  If she loved me, but then hated me a few hours later, she genuinely felt both of those feelings.  For a "non", a person without BPD, this can make our head spin.  Our feelings don't change so rapidly, so it's hard for us to wrap our brains around it.

As for what kind of person you are, while it's totally normal to expect that the kind of person we are will be mirrored in the eyes of the person we love, helping us to understand ourselves, this is not always true when we're in a relationship with a pwBPD.  They may have many good insights into our character, and indeed some good feedback for us (although unfortunately wrapped in nasty packages sometimes), but they can also have damaging and distorted views of us that can wreck our self image and throw us off kilter.

Do not expect her to reflect an accurate view of you.  You will need to develop a strong understanding of yourself through your own self knowledge, and through relationships with others.  What does your support system look like?  Do you have people in your life who you interact with regularly who can reflect more authentically who you are?

RC

[silencedPartner]

I feel the same way. My wife says things with such conviction so sure about her version of reality I find myself questioning what is true. Sometimes I force myself to look back at text messages or emails to confirm that I am not losing my mind.

[HappyChappy]

I feel the same way. My wife says things with such conviction so sure about her version of reality I find myself questioning what is true.

I see that confidence all the time. But now you've lifted the mask, and begun to learn, you will be able to deal with it better. Boxes do it before a fight, just stand tall and don't blink. They call it medium chill on here. But never rise to the games they play (easier said than done) My BPD, NPD combo use to love rattling strangers. My NPD especially use to smile when he got a rise. If he didn't get a rise, he gets annoyed and gives up. My BPD would just pick on someone else. Bark is worse than the bite type of thing. But by landing here, you'll learn techniques to better cope. So it can only get better.

[Fleetwood07]

The conclusion that I came to about true feelings was that my pwBPD truly felt everything she expressed.

Apologies for not replying, it's been a difficult couple of weeks. I can understand coming to that conclusion, I guess as they express things so intensely, that it can only be coming from true feelings.

What does your support system look like?  Do you have people in your life who you interact with regularly who can reflect more authentically who you are?

I've ended up telling my family about what's happened (although without saying they have BPD, I don't know why it just hasn't felt right to tell them that) and they've been supportive which has been nice. I don't live in the same city as them though, so apart from going to work I'm on my own quite a lot. I have however started counselling this week which has helped a bit already.

Sometimes I force myself to look back at text messages or emails to confirm that I am not losing my mind.

I keep doing this too. I feel like I'm probably giving myself false hope, but I keep re-reading some messages she sent after the last time this all happened. She talked about how she'd been, she knew that it makes me feel like I have to apologise for everything when I "absolutely don't need to" and then she apologised to me. These messages are my main comfort right now.

A little update from my original post;

Last week she started making conversation with me, one evening her work friend was around, and she offered me some food they'd made and we ended up chatting and playing cards. On Friday she asked me if I wanted a takeaway so we ordered and ate together. I did feel unsure about all this but it felt like hopeful little steps to things being okay again.

Now, she's not been home since Saturday, I don't know where she is, but at least from social media I know she's alive.

She's stopped paying her share of our rent/bills. It all comes out of my bank account, so she has a standing order set for her half to go to my account which normally comes in on the 1st of the month, but it's not come through so I think she's cancelled it. I'm so worried about this because it's going to leave me in such a mess, we've got bills coming out over this next week and there's not going to be enough money to pay our rent even.

It was also my birthday yesterday and she didn't message me. I hope this doesn't sound selfish, but I feel really sad about that.

I still just feel really sad about the whole situation and again, it's like it feels like it's getting a little bit better (like last week with talking and eating together) and then it just gets worse again.

[Ozzie101]

My husband has accused me of some awful things and at first, I took it and believed he was right -- or that somehow I had really failed in my role as a loving wife. He said I didn't care about him. That I sided with everyone but him. That I only married him because he makes a lot of money. He was so angry and had such conviction I felt like I must have really been doing things wrong to make him feel that way.

Now, I'm starting to believe that there's a lot more going on. It's not all my fault. But it's easy when someone attacks you with so much pain and conviction to be hurt and self-recriminatory.

[Fleetwood07]

They have since now paid their part of our bills which is a massive relief, but they’ve still not been home, it’s been about 10 days now.

This is really unusual and I am worrying if she’s okay. When I last messaged to ask about the rent/bills money, I did ask if she was okay and mentioned about her not being at home but she didn’t say anything to this part of the message.

I don’t really know what to do. I don’t like the fact it’s always me that tries to resolve things, but it sadly feels like that’s how it has to be with us.

[Yellowpearl]

It reminds me of how with the person I've known with BPD ignored direct questions if I ask if he is okay and just addresses everything else in my message. It may have to do with being uncomfortable with being vulnerable enough to open up about what is going on. I always felt that way too, that it was always up to me to resolve what was going on when it came to two of us. But I did notice, he did eventually come through and try to fix things when least expected, almost like delayed processing. He would take in my worry or care, or a concern I had even though he wouldn't express it in that moment, maybe weeks later, he would act out of care in his own way, that related to resolving my concern. I realized that it was delayed process of emotions, there are too much for him to handle in the moment but once he gets grip of them on a slower time line, he would be better at resolving things.

[Chosen]

Like some members already mentioned, their feelings are true.  The facts probably aren't.  But to me, it doesn't really matter- if my uBPDh says I am a horrible wife, I take him for granted, never appreciate him, makes him feel miserable because I'm so negative and I refuse to be happy (although to my defense, being attacked all the time, no matter what you do, makes it quite difficult to be happy), then to him it's true.  I may not be doing things that warrant this attack on me, but somehow I've "made" him feel that way.  And for me, I've failed as a wife. 

This is the situation I'm in right now- he says a lot of stuff this is probably "untrue", but there's no way to argue with him and tell him the truth, he will not believe me anyway.  For example, he says I am not happy with him.  I'm NOT unhappy with him, but if I tell him that, he will say I don't show that I'm happy with him, and goes on to attack me... .then obviously I will become upset and then he will say, "see what I mean?  You're unhappy.  I do so much for you and still you're unhappy, etc."  It's all very crazy.

So, in a very mysterious way, everything they say is true, but not necessarily factually true.  Yet it's true in the way that they feel every bit of everything they say.

[Enabler]

Morning everyone,

I'm really impressed that you've all found each other here and developing a great group with shared experiences. I really really hope that you find some empowerment and solace in your common experience regardless of where you are on the globe. This truly is one of the brilliant things about bpdfamily.

Sharing a life be that relationship or even just house sharing with someone who exhibits traits of BPD is very challenging. It's often if not always unhealthy involving an imbalance of support and needs. A healthy relationship looks like this (| = stick person)  | | ... .sometimes it looks like this /| and sometimes |\ and even sometimes /\... .in a relationship with someone with BPD traits it's almost always |\ . There is a constant need for support a constant need for you to come to them to beg them, to ask them what is wrong. What you may find is that if you removed your support they would fall | _ , similarly if you attempt to lean on them / ... .|    they will run away. You guys have learnt to support them, rather than being in a symbiotic relationship we tend to be in a saprophytic relationship.

Working out how you can change this dynamic for the better, to stop the flow of your resources consistently flowing out from you to the other person is going to be key to your own mental, physical and economic health. Firstly, asking yourself 'What is it that I am receiving from this relationship which means it is beneficial to me in the medium/long term?' These reasons can be whatever you like, it could be as simple as 'my friend cooks nice food and is paying half the rent', 'my wife is smoking hot'. Once you know this you can make a conscious choice as to whether or not that reason is a healthy reason and one you would like to continue... .making a conscious choice. Next, we need a way of fencing off our  from their  ... .and policing those fences in a healthy way. Fencing off your emotions, your money, your values, your time prevents 'them' from nibbling at them. People with BPD traits have a tendancy to be what are termed 'boundary bashers'. Below is a weblink to an article on boundaries which should be helpful. It would be great to discuss how this is relevant to your circumstances, seeing how we can protect our emotions, our economic resources and our time and effort:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Enabler