Difficult times.

[CryWolf]

Hey all, I’ve been going through difficult times lately moving on. I see my ex more and more on campus now. A part of me, deep down looks for her. Other times it just happens.

We have a mutual friend/ my classmate/ partner in class  and I don’t bring my ex up to the friend . She will occasionally bring her up and I will tell her I don’t want to hear it. Sometimes it even feels like they are working to mess with me. I don’t let it get to me. The friend asks me for advice with dating and I tell her about this girl I go on dates with.  Although it’s platonic I think she will tell my ex anyway. It sounds messy. The friend posted me on her Snapchat the other day and my ex doesn’t know we are close. I told her my ex might get mad at her since she told her to stay away from me. She posted anyway. Today I have reason to believe they are hanging out after my friend told me how they haven’t hung out in a while.the friend says “the way your ex talks about you sounds like she never loved you”

It sounds like a whole bunch of she said he said, sorry. I’m also not trusting this friend with everhthing and being cautious. I guess I’m trying to find meaning in anything.  

Other note, I saw my school counselor yesterday and he told me that would be our last session as I have been making incredible improvements and have become better at managing my anxiety.

Today, my anxiety has been Incredibly high. I have been constantly thinking about my ex and I have not thought about her like this in months. I even teared up last thinking of her.

I also think it may be due to the season. Her birthday passed last week. I did not reach out. I see her on campus or she sees me and we don’t acknowledge each other. My birthday is in a few weeks, as well as the break up anniversary, as well as the last time we spent together mutually.

Im getting hit with emotions left and right. Finals are approaching too and I’m finding myself back in bed more and no motivation.

I’m basing validation on why my ex girlfriend never came back. Why she never messaged me back or told me she missed me. Why does she paint me black still.

I miss her. Everyone tells me how I better not get back with her and she doesn’t deserve me and how much happier I am now. They are right.

But here I am, missing her.
thank you for reading

[once removed]

the friend says “the way your ex talks about you sounds like she never loved you”

geez. thats rough. i dont know where you find some of these friends.

its rough having to see her all the time too.

I also think it may be due to the season.

it makes some sense. it sounds like a lot of pretty significant events coming and going. this time of year always got me thinking too much too. i hope youve got some great plans for your birthday. 

[CryWolf]

I didn’t take it to heart with what she said. I realized that everyone’s struggles are their own and the advice we usually get is some what projected from their own experiences. It hurt when I heard it but she only heard the bad my ex said of me and the experiences I shared.

As much as my ex talks bad about me, I know she loved me. It’s her way of coping I guess. I don’t talk bad about her ever. If I do say anything “bad” I mention situations that were not good but that still doesn’t make me “hate” her no matter how much I try to.

I have not thought about my birthday at all to be honest. My therapist asked me yesterday what I want to do and i should focus on myself for once instead of other people.

I bought tickets to a concert 6 months ago that I will go alone to. My ex and I were supposed to see this DJ/artist when we met but she fought with me. Lol.

I’m overthinking and looking for answers and analyzing too much right now over  my ex. I guess I’m looking for a sign she misses me or wants me back. But if I did, I don’t know what I would do with that information.

Although it does seem she may miss me, based off my other thread, she won’t tell me. And this is the overall outcome I’m looking for. Her telling me she misses me.

[Cromwell]

I saw my school counselor yesterday and he told me that would be our last session as I have been making incredible improvements and have become better at managing my anxiety.

Today, my anxiety has been Incredibly high. I have been constantly thinking about my ex and I have not thought about her like this in months. I even teared up last thinking of her.

Hi CryWolf

A bit of a contrast here, have you updated him about how your anxiety is peaking up again?

Could there be an aspect of that "last" session being a precursor of making you feel this way, it doesnt sound like you can confide in this mutual friend.

If the sessions were helping, I wonder if contacting him again to resume might be worth doing, give him an update and make another appointment?

[CryWolf]

Hey Cromwell,

I also believe that maybe our “last” session spiked some anxiety. Maybe I’m scared I’m getting thrown into the world again, per say. And it’s like a “reset” and I’m anxious myself from falling into old behaviors where I cause a self prophecy.

I did tell him about my feelings for my ex resurfacing, and we both agreed it might be due to season, a lot of events occurring during the “holidays” throughout the course of the relationship and of course the anniversary of the breakup.

I also, perhaps think it might be due to closing the “relationship” I had with the therapist and closing the chapter. I’m not sure if I’m finding a reason not to have a relationship end no matter the type of relationship it is. I’m not sure but I’m just tbinking of possibilities.

Yes, like many of you mentioned in my other threads I have been cautious to trust this person. She seems to like me more and more but I am enforcing boundaries. We are to have many more classes down the road together so I am trying to not burn bridges.

Today I went to school to study, and I got hit with emotions of my ex. It was difficult. The hallways brought memories back and I honestly have no idea why this occurring again. De ja vu moments and reminisces. My only conclusion Is the weather is getting colder and most of the good times in the relationship occurred this time of the year. Our anniversary we got together was on Halloween. New Years and christmas and thanksgivings were spent together.  Our break up was my birthday/thanksgiving. As you can see, what used to be my favorites times of the year are now plagued with despair.  

Thank you all for listening and giving me a helping hand.

[Cromwell]

Hi CryWolf

Hey Cromwell,

My only conclusion Is the weather is getting colder and most of the good times in the relationship occurred this time of the year. Our anniversary we got together was on Halloween. New Years and christmas and thanksgivings were spent together.  Our break up was my birthday/thanksgiving. As you can see, what used to be my favorites times of the year are now plagued with despair.  

.

im not trivialising what you have been through one bit CryWolf, certainly because I can relate to much of it and how it not only affected my thoughts, but still do on occasion.

What I will put forward to is; when are your final exams? How much priority do they have in the big picture. I was once at a point in my life where trying to figure out (it was actually a quest to find soothing and closure on my terms) was to ruminate about my ex, what she did, why she did it.

That might have been fine if I was a millionaire off the coast of the bahamas, but I had exams to do, a family to look after, a job, and woe and behold - other people in my life that needed attention much like a plant needs watered.

It took awhile to move my ex out of being the centre of my world, but it had to happen - decisively, regardless if it meant I didnt get the closure "I" would have liked.

Her missing you or not, is something that cant ever be established. Its setting yourself an impossible problem to try and solve. Its going to become circular, id guess it already is. If you dont want to let go of it, at least compartmentalise it so as to get through your exams and pick it back off the shelf to deal with afterwards.

In the meantime, i look up to you for dealing so well with what your going through, it cant be easy being triggered by her being at the same college, I think I can understand regardless of not being through the exact same ordeal.

Pick what is more important to you, your exams or finding out if your ex still misses you, then prioritise. Its only ourselves that can decide what is.

[CryWolf]

hey all, Ive been back to focusing on myself. I have a ton of exams left and this semester is almost over. I am not as sad as before. I do have some feelings come and go but I feel better than when I posted in here. Of course, these feelings change at any given moment. Its up to me to handle it.

My exams are very difficult but I have to shift focus to them.

I miss my ex still but now I feel different about it. Im always going to love her but she wasnt healthy for me. Im not sure if its from indifference or anger but I am at the point where I honestly did everything I could to speak to her. I have to keep reminding myself of all the bad as well. How she never gave any of my notes back, how she talks bad about me to others, how she never takes blame for her actions, etc etc. It hurts that someone I love and see the world in can do that to me. but its a lesson I suppose.

My friends are upset at me because I justify a lot for my ex. and even though she did so much bad to me, i still love her. but this is okay. you can love someone without being with them or having them in your life. its sad, but its acceptance I guess.

I wish I could see her and talk to her. but she wont give me any time.
I started questioning if I was the problem in the relationship. if the whole reason she blocked me and went no contact was because i was the narcissist. or if I started seeing her games and stopped playing. I think its the latter portion but I hate thinking negatively of someone I love.

thanks for hearing me ramble

[JNChell]

Hey, CryWolf. Glad to see that things are looking up for you. Doubley glad that most of your focus is on you and knocking out your exams with success. I’m not a scholarly person like you, but I do believe that there is much to be said for hard work and perseverance. From following your posts here from time to time, I imagine you’ll do great. It’s very evident that your studies are very important to you.

she wasnt healthy for me.

I imagine that this realization has you thinking about different things from different angles. Maybe you could list the reasons why. Either here or on a personal notepad. One thing that we all have in common is that none of this is linear. I’m not telling you anything that you don’t know. It does seem like you’ve reached a new peak, though.

It hurts that someone I love and see the world in can do that to me.

Understood. These are the times that reminders of what really happened might be beneficial for your grounding. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to see your pwBPD. You still have deep feelings for her. This is because you’re noble and warm hearted.

My friends are upset at me because I justify a lot for my ex.

They don’t get it and you can’t expect them to. In order to keep your friendships in tact, bring the serious stuff here or to your T.
Unfortunately, this is very true. One thing that I read is to let the storm pass. To process everything and be at peace with it before approaching friends and family with it. To be calm with it. I understand that your sessions are ending with your campus counselor. Are you able to find a T outside of campus? Are you stressed about your sessions coming to an end?

Im getting hit with emotions left and right.

Try to roll with it, Brother. Try to remember that it’s not linear. Steps forward and steps backwards. Try to stay present in the moment. Take a pause and identify what is happening in you. Set it aside and tell yourself why. Feel the emotion, and let it pass. Good luck on your exams. You’re going to do well.

[CryWolf]

Hey, CryWolf. Glad to see that things are looking up for you. Doubley glad that most of your focus is on you and knocking out your exams with success.

Appreciate the kind words, however the exams are knocking me out . grades aren't as good this semester to be honest.

I imagine that this realization has you thinking about different things from different angles. Maybe you could list the reasons why. Either here or on a personal notepad.

-she wasn't healthy for me:
-she always required attention and validation but could not reciprocate.
-silent treatments
-gas lighting
-constant accusations of cheating
-withholding affection

I dont like admitting this or saying bad things about her, but I always had this gut feeling she was "jealous" or didnt want me to do better than her... When we first met, she used to start random fights with me the nights before our exams. So I would divert all my intention to her instead of studying. Other times, she wouldnt seem excited or anything. before the breakup we were doing really good and I told her i applied at a pharmacy and she was supportive. but then i had a interview at a pharmacy and then same time last year, she was withdrawing. I got hired at a pharmacy before her and she completely went cold.

she also failed a class we both took and procastinated too long where I passed. I let her join a pharmacy club and let her become an officer while i was president so it would look good on her resume and increase her chances at pharmacy school.

A large part of my intuition tells me that I started getting my life together and making so many progressions that it possibly triggered something in her. Im not sure. Possibly abandonment? i dont like thinking like this, but I have a problem of disregarding my gut feeling my whole life. 

I also keep blaming myself because the last year of the relationship  I didnt invite her over to our new house once, and I couldnt go over to her house because of her parents.

It saddens me that she tells people I stopped putting effort in. Or that I was manipulative. A huge part of me is still hoping she will come back.

-2.5 more weeks until a year of the breakup.

[CryWolf]

Every Wednesday night, I see her while walking to my class. I try going late, or opposite ways but the path still crosses. A part of me actually hopes she sees me...

Last night, drenched in rain. I went to get some paper towels on campus, and I see my ex sitting with one of my classmates. I wanted to say hi to the classmate and smile at my ex. BUT, I chose not to and respect my exes boundaries. Whether she misses me, or not. She knows how to reach me. Its the 21st century.

I got the towels and dried myself and left. This was a small battle I won against myself today.

[Cromwell]

I dont like admitting this or saying bad things about her, but ... .

In my case, it was only by unveiling the full picture, warts and all, that allowed me to properly account more accurately just how valuable this relationship was worth - keeping, worrying, feeling so emotionally up and down about.

As long as I was content in only splicing the good stuff from the bad, it led to underlying conflict where true feelings dont match up well.

I didnt need to ponder about wether my ex wanted me to fail or succeed - just follow the behaviour - it was destructive - the reason behind it is beyond a secondary concern. If she was to contact me again and say "ive missed you" the first thing in my mind would be "what does she want now?"

Or "why has it taken so long"?

one set of ruminations just replace the previous ones. and so it goes on.

[JNChell]

CryWolf, staying focused is hard as hell. I imagine that your grades will suffice to move you forward. Cut yourself some slack and realize that you’re going through a difficult time. More importantly, pat yourself on the back for pushing onward. Grades aren’t everything. With that, I read a study years ago, which I can’t source, that determined that C average students were most likely to do well in the workplace.

Thanks for sharing your list. You’re not talking badly about her, you’re sharing your experience. I’m glad that you did.

The jealousy that you speak of reminds me of my ex before S3’s mom. We were both working in sales at the time. I had a stellar month. I made thousands of dollars. I went home excited to tell her about it. When I did, she popped my balloon. I asked her if she was jealous by her response. She said that she was and went into another room. I thought I was contributing. She saw it another way.

So I would divert all my intention to her instead of studying

I’m often not very good at being subtle when I spot things. It’s sounding like this is still occurring. You want her to see you. You want to say hello to a mutual friend and smile at her.

If you truly want to detach from her, you need to make that conscious decision. You need to decide within yourself that you’re done and that you will never allow yourself to go through that again. She isn’t going to change in this short amount of time.

I started getting my life together and making so many progressions that it possibly triggered something in her.

Yep. She can’t do what you do, which is move forward and better yourself. Her abandonment fears kicked in. She was unable to be proud of you. She saw your success as a threat.

Process your hurt. Continue to be a good amby, which you are btw. Keep moving forward, which you are. Don’t beat yourself up over having an off semester. Understand why. Do what you have to do to not see her. Most importantly, take care of yourself.

[once removed]

-she wasn't healthy for me:
-she always required attention and validation but could not reciprocate.
-silent treatments
-gas lighting
-constant accusations of cheating
-withholding affection
... .
I started questioning if I was the problem in the relationship. if the whole reason she blocked me and went no contact was because i was the narcissist. or if I started seeing her games and stopped playing. I think its the latter portion but I hate thinking negatively of someone I love

if there are elements of the narrative that persist, dig deeper. face the emotionally challenging facts.

what if the narrative is both simpler and more complex than either of the above?

what if two wounded and needy people came together and formed a relationship, in large part based on these high, unmet needs (high, unmet needs are unrealistic expectations, or emotional immaturity). in some ways they were met (which ones, and how?). in some ways, they were fueled (which ones, and how?). and in some ways both of these wounded people struggled with their high unmet needs (which ones, and how?).

like a lot of first loves, both parties fought as hard as they loved. the good times were really great. the bad times were really hard. both parties invested a lot in those good times, and were also increasingly hurt by the relationship dynamics over time. intensity increased along with the investment in it, while the fabric of what makes a relationship deteriorated.

in the end, no matter how much either party wanted it to be, it wasnt sustainable on either side and like most first loves, it had its time, and it ran its course.

what if finding closure and healing isnt about whom loved the other more, or hurt the other more, or over focusing on the good or bad aspects, but seeing and accepting the relationship for what it was, seeing these high and unmet needs that persist on our end, and learning and applying the lessons we want to take into future relationships?

would it help? hurt? both?