Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 12:19:47 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: My daughter has BPD  (Read 503 times)
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« on: October 28, 2018, 11:02:23 AM »

My daughter has exhibited behaviors since age 1.5.  She literally was in almost every daycare in our area, because she refused to cooperate with the daycare workers with issues such as biting other children, taking naps, etc.  When she got old enough to go to kindegarten, and then grade school, we were hauled into the school several times a week for her behaviors.  We were told she had ODD.  We went to therapy, took her to therapy, and the "treatment" for ODD didn't seem to help at all (in retrospect, it was probably the worst advice we could have been given, and we were repeatedly told this advice!).  She refused to move if a teacher asked her to. She was mean to other kids, and there were constant conflicts with her teachers.  As she grew older, the rage came, and ultimately some violent scenes, but as typical with BPD kids, she seemed to be inviting the very thing she didn't want.  I had no idea what was going on, but grew increasing angry myself, because she was constantly making life crazy and miserable for all of us.  I used to tell the officials at the school that if I could come in and behave for her, I would. 
Fast forward to now, she is almost 19 years old and our family, all of us, are fractured people.  There is obviously a lot inbetween, but I know that if I am amongst others with BPD loved ones, you know some version of my story. My child isn't living with us now, we literally recently evicted her, because the "scenes" were too damaging, and I had to put a stop to them.  We need to know how to live with and work with each other in a more positive light.  Other family members FINALLY decided to lend a hand and she is living with them (undertone there is that I am angry with a lot of the world for just expecting me to handle and deal with the BPD on my own.  Years of dysfunction have left me with a certain amount of anger towards others who could have helped, but didnt, and even, ironically, the mental health industry, and it's failure to answer the many times I reached out).


Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
mrscubbie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 12


« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2018, 12:54:14 PM »

I also have a 24 yr old daughter with BPD and I know the story. I agree with you regarding the abysmal state of our mental health system in this country.
Logged
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2018, 01:26:28 PM »

Hi LoveOnTheRocks

I join mrscubbie welcoming you to bpdfamily  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Whoah LoveOnTheRocks, sending you a virtual hug from all at bpdfamily    , you've come to the right place for understanding and support. I'm sorry you've been struggling, navigating on your own through mental illness all this time trying to make sense of it to help your daughter, to be heard. You've every right to feel angry with the world and to feel you've been let down, vent your frustrations and anger, you are safe with family here, with parents, members who truly understand, we have the badge.

My child isn't living with us now, we literally recently evicted her, because the "scenes" were too damaging, and I had to put a stop to them.  We need to know how to live with and work with each other in a more positive light.  Other family members FINALLY decided to lend a hand and she is living with them (undertone there is that I am angry with a lot of the world for just expecting me to handle and deal with the BPD on my own.  Years of dysfunction have left me with a certain amount of anger towards others who could have helped, but didnt, and even, ironically, the mental health industry, and it's failure to answer the many times I reached out).


We've got you    Who is at home with you now, your daughter is with family? You are right, that's exactly what we aspire to here, learning how to live and work with each other, in a more positive light, despite what we've suffered. You are in good company  

19 years is exhausting! Are you feeling some relief, you have time out, time for you to take care of you? What's happening?

WDx
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2018, 01:30:23 PM »

I reread my post twice and both times felt a strong need to correct my statement that my daughter was mean to other kids.  Actually, she had daily and often constant issues with the teachers and the other kids ostracized her and she fought back with words and occasionally, actions.  My daughter is like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, in that she is one of the sweetest people on the planet, but she can also be one of the most outrageously mean and callous people, too.  
Her constant conflict with literally every authority figure in her life made her a victim sometimes, too... .so I really get that these kids with BPD are abused... .literally by everyone in their world... .
I get so angry when I read the literature that accuses that I, her parent, abused her.  No, I didn't... .but when I look back at the constant crisis we went through, and all the times I was put in the hot seat by teachers, principles, daycare managers... .the whole lot of them, of course my reaction was to turn around and question my daughter relentlessly at times, as to why she was so uncooperative... .and there were times when my sheer exasperation made me less than a model parent, but abuse... .um, no.

I am really upset with the healthcare system for its tremendous part in all this.  If we can't say what it clearly is from as early on as we all see it, then we create the monster that we end up with.  It's too bad I didn't enter a career in psychotherapy and the medical field of the mind, for if I had, I'd have been given a fighting chance at raising my child and keeping myself and my husband from the hell that has been our life these past 19 years.  

At this point, I plan to get a grip and figure out how to begin to have a less reactive world where she is concerned.  I have evicted her, but I am not content with this either, because I know she is suffering from that action of mine, and we are all struggling.  I love my daughter, but I can't be around her more than 5 minutes most of the time, before she is making demands of me that I cannot or will not abide by, and then my husband and I are demoralized, a scene begins to ensue, I try to get away from her only to have her get predatory and start stalking and often times, we end up calling the police to put a stop to the scene before it gets out of control (it has in the past and my husband and I are committed to seeing to it that no violence happens if at all possible).  

Had we been advised in a better way early on, these patterns that are so pervasive now would not be going on. We would have had a much better system of communication in place and would have understood much better what to do and what not to do.  This is why I am so upset with the medical community and it's stated position that a diagnosis cannot be made until age 18.  When these things started at age 1 and continued throughout, we all contributed to making things much worse by not having the correct information and "prescription for dealing with her" in place.  How absurd is the medical community for sweeping this under the rug... .they exaserbate the problem !  My family was in therapy almost the whole time and we were getting the worst advice possible.  It's so sad.
Logged
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2018, 01:54:42 PM »

I also have a 24 yr old daughter with BPD and I know the story. I agree with you regarding the abysmal state of our mental health system in this country.

mrscubbie, I'm in the UK, it is excruciatingly hard indeed, My 30DD was 26 when dx,  when she hit crisis. I thought someone would show me the way, the path, I had to find my own way, gentle push pressure, do my research and remind NHS of their duty of care. I found my way here to family. Where are you with medical care?

LoveOnTheRocks, what support do you, your DD have with medical care, social support at this time?

WDx

PS I've just seen your post, reading now!
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2018, 02:20:31 PM »

Thank you for the welcoming responses. I live with my husband and our 3 cats and 3 dogs in the country now.

My daughter is with my parents, and based on what I hear them saying to her, are not long for getting punishment themselves for failing to meet her needs (especially my father).  My mother and I have always had a somewhat strained relationship, because she is extremely judgmental and though I am in my 50s, she has never gotten over my rebellious teen years (I was admittedly a handful in my teen years... .but I did grow out of it in my early 20s and ended up opening a successful business and having a relatively normal and good life.  I am on my 1st marriage and even though holding our marriage together through all of this has been hard, we are both strong in our relationship with each other and will "make it.")

Anyway, all of these years, everytime our family got together, my mother never missed a chance to humiliate me in front of others about how bad I was in my teen years (and I never got arrested, only slightly used drugs and alcohol... .believe me, it was not "all that," but she has never really liked me, so she has made it "all that" as often as she could). My mother was pregnant with me when she married my father and has often blamed me for not allowing her to have a chance to be a young wife before having to take care of me. My response to her public humiliation is to not let her get away with it, and I say something when she does this to me.  It has often gotten uncomfortable, especially for the "audience" or people who've been around for this scene, and eventually, I put my foot down and said if she didn't stop doing this literally every time I came around her, I was going to stop coming around, because I felt she was toxic.  She worked on it, and things got better, but at the same time, she has blamed that my daughter's problems are what they are because of me (somehow?). She and my father have both offered lots of opinions and tried to give us "advice" about things, but they had no clue what they were talking about.  Also, my mother constantly undermined me with my daughter, because for years, my daughter would accuse that I didn't love her or whatever else she would accuse, and my mother, assuming I probably was as bad as my daughter was saying, would reinforce that my husband and I were not loving our daughter enough.  
Oh Good Grief the drama I have had to live through with them!

My mother and father both like to think they know everything and are first to offer their opinion on things, as though they are seriously smart people, BUT, most of the time, they are not speaking from either experience or from getting educated on things. They are smart people, my entire family is very smart, but that doesn't mean that they readily can figure everything out, and they've yet to learn this.  The minute anyone states a problem, my family members have "all the answers" and tell others what to do to fix whatever they are speaking about.  When the family gets together, it can get really crazy.  My mother asks my father to carve the turkey and then criticizes the way he does it and tells him how he should be doing it all while calling him stupid.  It used to be me she belittled all the time, but when I left home, he became her victim. When I go around them, I hate to see the scene and in recent years, I've gotten up and walked out of the room when it starts going on.  The rest of the family just shrinks down until the scene blows over and then act as if nothing happened.  

All of this has nothing to do with my daughter's BPD, because I have been in therapy for many years and do quite well where my family is concerned... .having boundaries and so forth... .but in all my years of therapy to deal with the family I grew up in and the damage it did to me... .never did I imagine I would have a child with something I was anything but unprepared to deal with.  I thought I had great communication skills... .but literally I am completely unprepared almost all the time when it comes to my daughter.

My daughter's biological father had BPD.  Dating him was a nightmare on a lot of levels, and I had no idea he had BPD. My therapist told me he was a psychopath, actually.  I got out of the relationship with him as quickly (and safely) as I could, but not before I accidentally got pregnant.  I made a commitment to raise the child I was pregnant with.  We knew almost instantly that whatever problems her biological father had were inherited by my daughter, and we tried as best we could to get therapists and help wherever we could, but due to the failures in America's mental health field, we didn't even get a proper diagnosis until this year.  In all the years we did therapy with our daughter, we were actually advised to make her "tow the line" as would be proper for ODD people, and the harder we pushed to make her cooperate, the harder she pushed back.  Here we are now with a lot of unhealthy patterns in place... .and I am trying to figure how to go forward in a meaningful and productive manner.  First is, I have to wrap my head around what BPD is and what it isnt... .and how best to conduct myself.

I have PTSD from all the years of stuff we've been through, and all the stress and strain I've felt trying to "fix this" for all of the teachers and schools and everyone else who expected me to make her do right and make it better.  In the past six months or so, I've actually desired on some level to end my life, because living it has been so utterly dissatisfying, even though I've worked so hard to make it otherwise.  I am past that now... .and doing much better... .but things with my daughter are still very much unacceptable.

My parents have her now, and I have no idea whether they will do well with her or not.  They've got several really good friends who are therapists and have been for many years, so things could go better than I imagine?  I know it's easier just knowing the right diagnosis now... .and I hope the best.

In the meantime, I want to get myself straightened out so that when I do have contact with her, I do better... .not saying and doing all the seemingly wrong things. I also need a lot of help in knowing what to expect and not expect.  The worst for me is that she will not get a job ... .absolutely refuses to... .and yet comes to me constantly for money, cars, etc.  I have gotten increasingly angry and rebellious with her demands of me and then her abuse of me when I refuse to meet her demands and turn around and tell her she deserves her financial distress, because she refuses to do anything about it.

I know I have a lot to learn and that the above statement might not be the best way to talk to her about her situation (actually, she rebels when I communicate with her that way).  

Anyway, I am here to learn and because I have no peace of mind at all where my daughter and my husband/me are concerned.  I do feel a lot of relief now that she is not here and creating constant stress by demanding money and then going back to her coloring books for the rest of the day.



Logged
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2018, 03:51:37 PM »

Off topic, but I need a little technical help/understanding.

I get confused following along.  I see all these terms "DD, pwBPD" etc... .Is there a list of all of these abbreviated terms and what they mean?  I find myself getting lost trying to follow along with what people are saying and whom they are speaking of.

Thanks in advance!  LotR ()   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
Logged
Only Human
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: divorced since the 90's
Posts: 1027


Love is still the answer


« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2018, 05:03:37 PM »

Hello and welcome, LoveOnTheRocks  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

There's a key here somewhere but I couldn't find it quickly so I'll post what I know.

DD, DS: Dear/Darling Daughter/Son
pwBPD: Person w/BPD
uBPD: Undiagnosed BPD
GS/GD: Grandson/Granddaughter
T: Therapist
FOG: Fear Obligation and Guilt

Hope this helps!

I can relate to your anger at the Mental Health profession. My DD25 had excellent health insurance through my employer until she was 22. She's on Medi-Cal now (state healthcare system for indigents) and I definitely see a difference in what is available to her now.

I'm sorry for the reason you're here but am glad you found BPD Family. It has been my lifeline since I arrived a short time ago. The information here is so valuable. Have you had a chance to read some of the TOOLS offered?

You are not alone. You've come to the right place for support and advice.

~ OH
Logged


"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
-Jason Mraz, I'm Yours
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2018, 07:11:59 PM »

Hi OH!    Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
I have been reading some of the tools, listened to a few of the videos and also have been listening to the first chapter of a book I bought on Audio called Stop walking on Eggshells.  I've been doing this today.  I am happy to have found this group as in my research on the internet, I am finding a vast mix of advice and definition of BPD, and plenty of reiteration of "child abuse" which still gets in my crawl a bit... .I have nothing to hide, but if these cavalier writers had any idea all of the "extra" work and effort I have put into working with her, working with the rest of the world who has to work with her (since I am the mom and it was expected of me!), and seeking help for all of us for years now, because I knew something was wrong and did all I could to get us help... .ugh... .I just find myself rather resentful at the accusations when I feel like I worked so hard to responsibly deal with the circumstances life presented me.

If I sound angry and bitter, I admit, I have been through the ringer... .but I am trying now to constructively get to a better place with all of this.  As upset as I am at what this has done to my life, tbh, I am even more devastated for my daughter.  I can't imagine what she is going through and feel so much compassion for her.  That makes it all the more devastating when I have contact with her that results in negativity... .I absolutely don't want that... .I want to love and support her, like any mother would want to do with and for their child.  I am not seeking to be negative, but in sharing, I may, at times, come across as negative... .it's just emotions getting out... .

Logged
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2018, 03:29:34 AM »

LoveOnTheRocks, Only Human 
The top left tab Help! provides FREQUENTLY ASKED TECHNICAL QUESTIONS

LotR
You've got it, we change how we communicate to improve the relationship, change our approach... .  here's Family Connections Program Lessons: What can a parent do? It's pinned at the top of this board if you've not found it yet...

How's it going with Stop Walking on Eggshells? This is my favourite go to book Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder Shari Manning. I think you'll have a greater understanding what to expect, not expect once you've read further. Has your daughter a treatment plan following her diagnosis? You've been through the ringer for sure, stay here with us, we're walking with you.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling much better than earlier this year and that you are gaining time and peace for you to self care and spend quality time with your husband and pets  . How's the treatment going for PTSD, are you feeling any relief?

WDx
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2018, 11:29:38 AM »

Thank you, WendyDarling.  I bought the book you suggested and will start listening to it today.  As I said in earlier posts, the fact that things are so upside down in my family life is still quite traumatic for me, so every single day, about the first thing I think of when I wake up, is that I am still in the nightmare of dis ease... .and it is useful, now, to have tools to guide myself through, as opposed to just being in my head about it all.

This year, before we evicted her (actually legally, through the Magistrate), the police and often ambulances were dispatched to our house no less than 15 times.  Our daughter gets predatory, so when we try to disengage for things to calm down, she gets even more abusive.  The police took her to jail once for the physical abuse, so she stopped hitting us, but she still breaks things in the house since they told her that if she lives here, she can't be arrested for that.  So, her go to deal has been to break things.  The two times my husband and I went out of town this year, she relieved us of our possessions.  The first time she had strangers over and they did drugs.  She passed out, and when she awoke, they had stolen my ipad, televisions and so forth.  That insurance claim was around two thousand dollars.  A few months later, we went to Florida for family friends wedding, and when we returned, our riding lawn mower and a lot of my husbands electrical tools were gone.  She denied having anything to do with it, and the insurance claim was around ten thousand dollars.  A month after that event, she was arrested because she and a few of her friends were caught on camera stealing the same type of items from a nearby farmer (things like his riding mower, etc). 

Now that she is not living with me, I am beginning to feel a sense of peacefulness with each passing day.  The fact that day after day "normal" living is happening is so beneficial for my ptsd.  My daughter, who is living with my parents, isn't talking to us now.  She stopped communication maybe five days ago.  I totally lost it on her last week when after finally getting a job interview lined up, she announced she didn't go to the interview, because she didn't feel like she would be able to get the job.  Actually, that was a punishment for me and my father, both of whom made comments about her needing to care for herself.  While our comments weren't degrading, I believe the fact that we said anything at all was all it took to cause her to retaliate.
That set me off, because financially, we are struggling somewhat due to shifts in our self employed job industry.  Through no fault of our own, our work has slowed down which has put us living paycheck to paycheck, and we have so many things we are paying for our daughter (car and insurance, cellphone, medical bills/insurance... .the list goes on).  We don't mind helping her get on her feet as a person, because she turns 19 next month, but we do feel she should have a job and pay for things like her gas and clothes and so forth.  That said, she has worked, her entire life, a total of about 2 months, and it's a big hot spot for our family.

Like so many others posts I've read, when she lived here, she slept all day or visited friends, she does drugs (unashamedly), she comes and goes at will and then, she demands money from us for all sorts of things, often gas to rip and run, and if we don't politely hand it over, she becomes abusive.  I had my fill and legally evicted her.  I am glad she is living with my parents, and they are angry at me and not speaking to me either... .(they haven't told me exactly what they are angry about or why they aren't speaking to me, but I assume it's because I put her out knowing she had nowhere to go, which I can live with... .because she was told for months that it would happen if she did not get a job and take some of the burden of her care off of us)... .

I came to a place where I had to define for myself what I could and could not live with.  The bottom line was and is that I cannot give her the little bit of money I have left over after paying bills when she does nothing at all to assist in her own care. 
Also, she destroys our house.  The areas she occupied are unreal in terms of the mess.  Flies and bugs gather in every room downstairs where she has bowls and cups with milk and cereal that she ate a week ago.  That, plus clothes covering every inch of the floor and stacks of stuff on every surface.  I have never, in her entire 19 years, been able to get her to clean up behind herself.  ... .smh.

 
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Hyacinth Bucket
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 323


« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2018, 07:09:06 PM »

Hi LoTR,

You have been through so so much with your daughter. I'm so glad to hear you are reclaiming your life and sense of peace in your home.

I'm so glad you found us. Getting advice and support has helped me so much. I've also found that supporting and encouraging others in setting boundaries has helped me maintain mine.

I'm going through something very similar; although our daughter hasn't lived with us for over a year we continued to support her and were in crisis with her several times a week. I can relate to the enormous financial  and emotional toll it takes on you. Is there some public assistance she could apply for to ease the burden on you?

Do you think your daughter would be violent with your parents?

Logged
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #12 on: October 29, 2018, 07:46:55 PM »

Hi Hyacinth Bucket:
Im not sure if she will be violent with my parents.  At first thought, she doesn't have the years of anger and dysfunctional patterns established with them.  She also knows they'll evict her post haste, which is an option she loved to throw at us before she turned 18.  So, ultimately, I don't think violence is or will be an issue. I can also say that there was less of that here once she was taken to the jail for it.

She really seems to do better with them, because she doesn't demand as much from them, emotionally speaking, as she does from my husband and me... .particularly me.

I've been texting her the past few days... .just saying loving things and sending well wishes each day.  Today she responded and we had successful conversations, both via text and then by phone.  My husband and I invited her to dinner later this week (no heavies and hopefully no heavy discussion, just an enjoyable get together is the goal).  She wants to come.  I offered to cook her favorites, and she is supposed to let me know when her schedule is good for dinner and what she'd like her mom to cook.  I am hopeful we'll just have a nice evening... .something positive to put into the history books.
Logged
Only Human
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: divorced since the 90's
Posts: 1027


Love is still the answer


« Reply #13 on: October 29, 2018, 09:48:08 PM »

Hi LotR,

I love that you have been reaching out to your daughter with love, no pressure. That she is wanting to come to dinner is great. 

I'm glad you're here.

~ OH
Logged


"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
-Jason Mraz, I'm Yours
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2018, 01:16:37 PM »

hey LoveOnTheRocks  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I bought the book you suggested and will start listening to it today. 

hows it coming with the book?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #15 on: October 31, 2018, 02:03:49 PM »

Hi onceremoved:
Its slow coming, tbh.  I listen for a bit, start feeling anxiety about it all, have to put it down and go listen to my fiction book or find other things to get my mind busy and otherwise occupied, then, as able, I go back to the book.  I also try to help others, as reaching out to give always makes me feel good... .I like giving of myself to others and it's a good way to get away from feeling so helpless and hopeless sometimes.

I have no real reason to be "upset" today or yesterday.  The fact is, my DBPDD and I have been communicating well this week... .no drama... .but just having lived through so many traumatic things over the past 18 years has taken it's toll, and I even though I am ok today, I still don't recognize myself... .the once happy and well adjusted person that I was.  In the past few years, my anxiety level has been so high, day after day, that it took it's toll on me, and even though my "today" environment is relatively calm and low stress, I still don't feel like Im altogether ok.

Thank you for asking, onceremoved.

I am just now learning each of your screen names... .who you all are and more about your families and circumstances. I appreciate your all reaching "back to me" in this process.  Having people who know what my life is like (even somewhat) is comforting.  Society, in general, doesn't know the stress and pain and struggle of loving someone with BPD, and sometimes I fell I look a bit crazy when I've been through the ringer and others seem to be calm and smooth and easy going, and I am just struggling to put one foot in front of the other while taking care of everyday things.

I also am worried about what the rest of life holds for us.  I know my daughter has many needs and I have few resources to just "fix" those needs.  Living with her is not a good option, because that kind of arrangement is so disturbing and unsettling, that I can't cope with it.  When she comes and goes, it's so much easier for me, because at least if she's not ok, I can support and "take the beating"... .but ultimately, I need to know that I can get away from drama when I can no longer be effective around it.  Living together can and does mean that the drama can go on for hours and I have no place to escape to or from when I've reached what I know is my own personal limit.

I am still paying her bills, which is also worrying me.  My husband and I are financially strained, though we are both working and try very hard to be responsible with the money we have.  She has created financial distress and so far, hasn't worked to earn her own money.  
Logged
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #16 on: October 31, 2018, 03:26:22 PM »

Hi LorT  

I recognise you are truly exhausted, family is here for you 24/7. I'd also say you are right on it LorT, out of the gate! Take small, gentle steps my friend. I slowed down and took the learning at my pace, MY pace, in snippets, as you say. What really helped me was to come here every day, post how I was doing, join others threads as you are, receive the emotional support I desperately needed, the momentum and learning, to be able to start understanding the crisis I was in. I'm a regular Mum like you, every parent here, my home is UK, though my soul has been in the USA with you since late 2015 with bpdfamily our world online resource for parents. And yes, I did my due diligence before I jumped in. It's only when we step in the forum, as you have this week with others, we gain the real, true benefit, through friendship of our support group, we make strides forward, for us, our healing.

On that note, what are you cooking for dinner, have you got the date and time, family here will be there, with you in spirit. As Lollypop says, when we keep it light as a fairy, seeds grow, for us.

We've got you  

Small gentle steps.

WDx  
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #17 on: October 31, 2018, 03:48:19 PM »

LorT

When we are in crisis it helps not to ruminate about the future, or past, just to stay in the day we are living, the moment. Practicing mindfulness reduces our stress and we feel inner peace.  Are you familiar with the DBT skill mindfulness?

WDx
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #18 on: October 31, 2018, 03:57:23 PM »

Hi again, Wendy!
I know I kind of "threw up" all over the place in my first several posts.  I just needed to say it somewhere where someone who "speaks the language" could hear it.  I actually felt a lot better just knowing someone knew what I was talking about.  Understanding that my child has this processing issue isn't new for me, we've been aware of the issue for some many years now.  Reaching out for help here in my area has been one of the most unrewarding and frustrating things I've ever been through, and (as if) her issues weren't more than enough, realizing the professionals I came in contact with had not even as good a "grasp" on things as I did was anything but reassuring.   I am an extrovert, so saying what I am thinking and feeling is important to me.  I want people to know right out of the gate who, what, where, when... .and I really like it when others are the same with me.  I am not "pc" and struggle to understand those that are... .Lets just be real and sincere and honestly talk about things as best we can is my way of living... .and dancing around things just wears me out!

Today has been a pretty good day so far.  I had hoped to get started on book 2 of a series, and was all set to get back into the "story" as it unwound, but much to my shock and disappointment, the author, in book 2, was introducing a character who was a marine, and as such, felt that this character should be rude, crude, and use a whole lot of curse words. Unfortunately, I made it through about an hour of that before I decided that the author had gone so overboard with it all that he made the character someone I would have no interest in... .so one series down... .and now I'm on the hunt for a new series to "take me away."... .
I am an avid book listener.  I can't read them as my eyes go all cross ways and I end up snoring... .but I can listen to books all day every day, just about.  I love getting lost in stories... .I love series where I can get on a really good (and long) tear.  

Last night I adjusted a recipe for Oxtails that I had found on the internet.  Much to my surprise, I accidentally stumbled into the very best oxtails and gravy I've ever had.  My husband and I ate so much of it I was full to my eyeballs! That said, I wrecked the kitchen and am still cleaning it up, ... .so, tonight, I am serving homemade chili on hot dogs... .I mean, we cant eat like Kings and Queens every night of the week.  First off, I don't have that kind of time to cook like that, and second, I am a 52 yr. old woman whose waistline would become undefinable if I ate like I wanted to, .

How about you, Wendy?  How was your day today and what are you having for dinner?
Logged
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #19 on: October 31, 2018, 04:00:24 PM »

As to the DBT, we haven't had our first session, yet.  My daughter saw the doctor she will be seeing in this group or practice we've been recommended to yesterday.  I wanted to wait until she "approved" her doctor before I set up an appointment for my husband and me with another doctor in the group.  We are going to see different doctors (her with one and husband/me with another) but all docs in the same "group" or practice.

I hear many good things about DBT and the BPD.  I have also heard that it's good for PTSD, which I have been diagnosed with at this point... .so I am looking forward to getting the skillset it comes with.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #20 on: October 31, 2018, 04:29:17 PM »

I also try to help others, as reaching out to give always makes me feel good

its good to have a connectedness to a community... .it will also help keep you in problem solving mode. i hope that youll stick around as part of the family, because the hope here is real.

I get so angry when I read the literature that accuses that I, her parent, abused her. 

i really hear you on this. to that i would say "look around" (the board). many BPD children come from some very loving households. your love for your daughter is clear in your posts.

At this point, I plan to get a grip and figure out how to begin to have a less reactive world where she is concerned. 

i think you have the right attitude here. it all really starts with the aspects of our circumstances we have control over, on our end, but real change can come from that that we can build on, and ideally, our BPD loved ones follow our lead.

you mentioned that youve been in therapy for many years. how is it coming? i know from experience that anxiety can be really debilitating. does your therapist know about this? any plan there?

how are things with your husband in terms of supporting each other?

Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #21 on: October 31, 2018, 07:38:46 PM »

Hi onceremoved:

I went to therapy 7 years straight in my 20s, because I grew up with a mother who didn't want me, made it clear she didn't want me, and I had a lot to work through to get to a place of autonomy.  Even though I'm in my 50s, I still struggle sometimes with not being good enough... .wanting their approval (something I will absolutely never get, and now, I don't really need)... .but I still have to use all the tools I gathered in my 20s, because I catch myself being way too hard on myself all the time.

We have been in therapy with/for our daughter for years (but that's not me in individual therapy).  We've tried to work with therapists to help my daughter get through school.  Her bio-father was severely impaired by BPD, and my daughter, at age 1, started showing signs.  I met my husband when my daughter was 2, he adopted our daughter, and we raised her.  We went to all sorts of therapists, she always had a school behavior plan, and we met with officials constantly as she was raised.  Part of the school protocol required the therapists work with us and the school and district psychologist.  Unfortunately, they ALL diagnosed her with OD, because nomatter what, and nomatter from whom, she just refused to do anything asked of her by anyone... .parents, teachers, school officials, sports coaches... .literally everyone.  The harder she pushed, the harder we were asked to push back... .negative behavior gets negative consequences... .so we were constantly, all day every day, doing this.  They also said she was depressed and had ADHD.  Oh, looking back, even talking about all of this... .it makes my skin crawl.  If I hadn't loved her, and she didn't truly believe it, I think we would have been a LOT worse off than we actually are at this point.  Though things are still crazy, and patterns I'd like to see go away are still sometimes potentially going to rear their ugly heads... .the fact is, she is willing and flexible about working with doctors and me to get a better outcome. 

I had never heard of BPD, and 2 years ago, my husband became unhinged and started using some unsavory substances as a coping mechanism.  We were trying so hard, but not getting results, and I think the pressure of it all just sort of sent him over the edge.  He's clean now, but we started going to therapy for ourselves and our relationship about 2 years ago.  We learned in therapy that marriages that have these intense issues, such as a mentally challenged child, often don't make it, because of the stress and strain.  The statistics are something like 70% of marriages under this kind of stress end up failing.  We really do love each other, but it has been hard, and hard on our relationship.  Fast forward to now and he's clean and sober, has been for a good while now.  We also love each other sincerely and dearly, so we worked on getting our marriage back on track, did that, and are now super strong in that area.  We won't be getting a divorce no matter what.  Also, statistically, we learned again that of divorced people, the act of divorcing doesn't improve circumstances for the individuals involved... .which means it really is better to stay together and figure out what's wrong and work to fix it.  I am absolutely not preaching to anyone and if anyone reads this and did go the divorce route, believe me, I can understand why.  My husband sought comfort from another woman during the height of the disaster between us, and that was extremely hard for us to get past.  We did it... .but it took a lot of work... .coming back from "it all." Life is hard enough and can get really tough.  Whatever we do to cope, even if it's not so beneficial looking back... .I totally get and understand how we are all just sometimes striving to stay alive... .it really can get that overwhelming.  I don't judge people because their humanity calls on them to do whatever they do... .I have been to hell and back, and there were a lot of times I got off the "beaten path" just to find my way... .We are all uniquely different but quite the same, us human beings.

I need to close for now, family is here and wanting to be fed.  I am not sure I answered all the questions you asked, ob... .but I will revisit this later.  I apologize that I am so long winded... .I am being really candid in the hopes that I can learn myself better and you can learn me well enough to call me on my stuff as time passes.  I also hope others in this group will be as honest, frank and up front back... .I need these connections with other BPD family members!



 
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #22 on: November 01, 2018, 10:26:13 PM »

LoveOnTheRocks, it sounds like youve had a really rough go of it for a very long time, and i hope that you get some peace and relief soon. i hope that in some way, we can be a part of that.

how are you doing today? whats the next step? is there still no communication?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #23 on: November 02, 2018, 01:33:08 PM »

Sorry for the slow response LorT, you ask how my day was, well the last two days time wise have gone down the kitchen sink, plug hole, pardon the pun, we're in the throws of new kitchen installation (been on hold since 2015), the 3d drawings, don't match the plans, and the kitchen furniture delivered, is not what's on the 3D drawing …. I could go on and on, not important in real life, just behind myself 

I know I kind of "threw up" all over the place in my first several posts.  I just needed to say it somewhere where someone who "speaks the language" could hear it.  I actually felt a lot better just knowing someone knew what I was talking about.  

LorT
Throwing up on arrival is healthy, akin to chucking over board the sickness in our belly. Get it out, see where it lands. And it made you feel better, is exactly what is needed, those few first posts, it helps to get it out and get to know each other, connect. And you are right being our true, honest and open selves here, helps us all connect on a personal level, we are humans and we arrive here hurt. Hello I'm an introvert. 

Reaching out for help here in my area has been one of the most unrewarding and frustrating things I've ever been through, and (as if) her issues weren't more than enough, realizing the professionals I came in contact with had not even as good a "grasp" on things as I did was anything but reassuring.

I've almost given up reading for myself this last year, my work involves a lot of reading, I'll follow your lead audio listening. We have the stump the expert board, if you want to reach out to avid readers.

Last night I adjusted a recipe for Oxtails that I had found on the internet.  Much to my surprise, I accidentally stumbled into the very best oxtails and gravy I've ever had.  My husband and I ate so much of it I was full to my eyeballs! That said, I wrecked the kitchen and am still cleaning it up, ... .so, tonight, I am serving homemade chili on hot dogs... .I mean, we cant eat like Kings and Queens every night of the week.  First off, I don't have that kind of time to cook like that, and second, I am a 52 yr. old woman whose waistline would become undefinable if I ate like I wanted to, .


How's your daughter's diet? My DD has ED. We've been through veggie, vegan, to full diet, this year she's vegan, this for her is trying to stick, solidify her personal values, who she is, struggling with consistency. I'm an avid cook, so camping with the microwave and kettle in the lounge is not hitting my sweet spot, I'm over it, one week in. I'm hoping the new kitchen will inspire her to cook vegan, cooking from scratch. This is hard when you struggle to get from A to B, in everything in your life. I think this is where our support is so important, we are teaching them new skills. My DD can make an awesome vegan curry etc, the thing is I cooked them and then she did, she asked me how. As she's, not causing me harm, working to get well it's helped me prioritise simple plan.
1) Continued therapy, support, always.
2) Step yet to be taken when, she has ongoing medical support, in place is back to work, or unemployment aid. Either, or.
3) Then independent living options, go hand in hand with 2) and 1)

Three years since hitting crisis, we are still working through priority 1) that's ok, for me this is imperative, in our situation, and something she can attain overtime, be successful. If she's ready to go to 2) she's been successful at 1). 

She's doing her best to work it out and that's good enough for me, can't ask for more. I could easily apply pressure and the result, walk off the cliff.

I'm now reading your latest post and parents here, I'm on catch up.

WDx
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2018, 01:37:58 PM »

LotR  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) Did the dinner happen, how's it going?

WDx
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 193



« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2018, 02:42:29 PM »

Hi Wendydarling:  Dinner was fine. We spent several days together recently, and I'll elaborate on them now.

This weekend, we took our daughter with us to handle some business on Monday.  My daughter has lost a lot of weight, so she needs clothing, and we took her shopping over the weekend.
First a few things:
1) she has lost a lot of weight.  She has been eating and purging and my husband and I are pretty certain that even though she denies still doing it, she is absolutely still binging and purging.  She eats enormous amounts of candy, and sweets, and yet she doesn't gain weight.  Also, pretty much every time she eats, she goes to the bathroom right afterwards.  My husband and I noticed when we were directly with her for several days in a row that this is absolutely a pattern.
My husband and I discussed this several times while with her, but not in front of her.  We did not discuss it with her this time, because she often lies about it, and when she doesn't lie about it, she is quick to tell me it's not my business, that she's an adult... .and you know what?  she is right.

2) We also believe the stranger sexual encounters are still going on.  She is secretive about her schedule and has gaps of time unaccounted for.  She also texts all sorts of people we don't know on her phone.  She says she needs to see another obgyn doc, and the one she has been seeing (the one I took her to as a child), she refuses to see him anymore.  He is an outstanding doctor, but he has dx her several times now with STDs, and I think she has another one.  That, though, doesn't stop her from seeing these other men.  Also, even though she gets treated, when she does, she often times continues to have the condition and needs to be treated several times.  I am not sure if she revisits men she saw when she was untreated and regains the condition or if she doesnt complete the course of meds.  All I know is that she has had issues with STDs quite a bit and she wants another OB doc, so I think its an issue again.

Things with us went really well, mostly because I refused to "go there" on several occasions.  For example, she told me that my parents and their friends are all trying to encourage her to join the military.  She then said "Why would I fight for a country that won't fight for me?"  I said, I don't see it that way.  I believe that if another country attacked the USA, I would absolutely fight for our country, whether I was in the military or not.  Then, she came up with other reasons she refused to join the military and while I felt some of her reasons were childish or not thought through,  I sensed almost immediately that if I shared my views, things were going to go south... .so I just decided to let her have her opinion, and refrain from giving her any feedback I might have, because it was clear she was not after my opinion or feedback.  This is new for me, because as her mother, I have always felt obligated to help her look at things as a part of guidance that mothers give to their children.
Dont get me wrong... .I think in "normal" parent/child relationships this is very beneficial for children, but anytime I try to give my child anything that comes from my experience in living 52 years now, she is almost immediately vicious... .I have to validate her opinions by regurgitating them, whether I agree with them or not, and I have to, for the most part, keep my opinions, experience and parent wisdom to myself.  It's sad, but it's true... .if I want to get along with my child, I have to let her think and act as she wishes, and keep my opinions and advice or wisdom to myself... .and we get along swimmingly as long as I do that.

She likes to smoke pot a lot (who cares if it's illegal is her opinion, and again, my opinion is irrelevant as far as she is concerned).  So, she wants to go to school to be a psychiatrist, and since it will be years to get this education, she wants to be a pharmacy tech, first.  I have tried to discuss that rules are pretty stringent for this job, and given her propensity to want to use and abuse chemicals (narcotics, benzos, weed, etc), she may have difficulty both getting through school and getting hired, and then being around all those drugs, which could land her entire education useless if she gets caught and prosecuted.  Again, my opinion is just fine, but she's going to do what she's going to do and I need to support her... .or get lamblasted!  So... .ok... .
Also, I have tried to tell her that med school selections are stringent and she may have difficulty given what her school records say about behavior (but she's sure she can explain that she had morons for administrators, teachers and so forth).  Also, as far as she's concerned, all she needs is good grades, which isn't difficult, because she's smart.  So again, she is off to a wonderful future and if I say anything that doesn't fully support all these great plans she's got, I am being a horrible mother, because after all, things are going to go perfect in her perfect world... .(not).

So... .I've figured it out pretty good.  I can have and keep the peace as long as I hold my peace and don't give her any feedback she doesn't desire to get, which is basically affirmations of whatever thoughts, dreams or ideas she has... .and fine... .I've learned how to play that game... .and we have now spent days together without even a little hiccup... .

meanwhile, my dxBPD daughter, who is not getting any "negative feedback" from me is:  practicing bulimia, having stranger sexual interludes, getting herself all set to get going to school for pharmacy tech all while smoking illegal pot constantly, using other drugs that aren't legal or prescribed to her, and would steal mine if I didn't lock them up, and ... .longer term has plans to be a psychiatrist... .There is a lot of constant talk about her dreams and plans and future, but it's a lot of talk, because getting her even organized enough to get school going is something that, for months now, has been discussed, but not happened.  As a matter of fact, on a daily basis, she is quite disorganized, misplacing stuff and maintaining a general kind of mess... .and not real good at organizing her priorities, either.  We, her family, just kind of keep up with the "have to criticals" to ensure she gets those done... .and I guess we are to continue verbally reassuring her that all is well, so we can all avoid the anxiety and have pleasant days together.

I almost feel like I am being sarcastic as I write this, but I really am not.  I am just telling what I am living... .seeing... .and not sure if there is anything at all I can do other than love her... .and keep my mouth shut in an effort to continue to get along.  She is an adult in her mind and has never taken any form of guidance or opinion from others, most of all me... .her opinionated and unsupportive mother (even though this is very untrue!)... .so, in favor of having at least a period of good things going on with our relationship... .at least for now... .I am just riding along, keeping my thoughts and opinions and reality checking all to myself and just loving her.   



Logged
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #26 on: November 10, 2018, 10:36:16 AM »

Hi LorT  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I hear your frustration, I also see you making great strides forward for you  , as you work your way through you are passing responsibility to where it belongs and however hard it is for us to watch, it's also how we and they learn their limitations and also their strengths. Ours too. 

1) she has lost a lot of weight.  She has been eating and purging and my husband and I are pretty certain that even though she denies still doing it, she is absolutely still binging and purging.  She eats enormous amounts of candy, and sweets, and yet she doesn't gain weight.  Also, pretty much every time she eats, she goes to the bathroom right afterwards.  My husband and I noticed when we were directly with her for several days in a row that this is absolutely a pattern.
My husband and I discussed this several times while with her, but not in front of her.  We did not discuss it with her this time, because she often lies about it, and when she doesn't lie about it, she is quick to tell me it's not my business, that she's an adult... .and you know what?  she is right.
Boy, do I know how you feel! Our kids have many maladaptive coping mechanisms, it's like where do we start, they start? What's the priority? At 18 (prior to dx) my DD acknowledged she was suffering an eating disorder, she went to her GP and was in treatment for a year, no use to her. The problem being she had BPD (finally dx at 26) treating in isolation an eating disorder did not work, unsurprisingly, now we know better. My 30DD this year after 3 years of stepping out of crisis and through DBT, therapy, is facing her eating disorder on her own. She's put on weight (she was unbearably, worryingly thin), she looks so beautiful and while I know she is struggling every day with self image, she's working to find the balance of accepting she's in a better place. It's been a long journey and her eating disorder she put last. That was her choice.
When diagnosed BPD in 2015 these were present and this is the order she worked through in treatment, obviously she's working on all of these, this order how she presented to me she was succeeding.
Suicide ideation, attempts
Self Harm, cutting
Depression
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Psychosis
Sleep disorder
Skin picking (new one, popped up)
Eating disorder
Her dx has recently been represented to her as now she's been through DBT, she can't account for what she calls extended periods (months) of highs and downs. Latest dx is BPD, bipolar, schizoaffective. I wonder if the medics have known this all along, they wanted to get her through DBT first and then take it from there. It seems a reasonable decision to me to keep it simple and focus on the over riding priorities. The outcome has been outstanding, so if that's the case I'm with them all the way. As you'll sometimes read here the first dx may be bipolar, then BPD and for some that is a struggle as BPD treatment is specific. I hope my share helps you and others. I joined here like you LorT, not knowing where to start and quickly realised I can only control what's mine and that is focusing on continually improving our core relationship using the tools, skills, advice and support of parents. It's been a step change, a good one.


Things with us went really well, mostly because I refused to "go there" on several occasions... .and refrain from giving her any feedback I might have, because it was clear she was not after my opinion or feedback.  This is new for me, because as her mother, I have always felt obligated to help her look at things as a part of guidance that mothers give to their children.
Dont get me wrong... .I think in "normal" parent/child relationships this is very beneficial for children, but anytime I try to give my child anything that comes from my experience in living 52 years now, she is almost immediately vicious... .I have to validate her opinions by regurgitating them, whether I agree with them or not, and I have to, for the most part, keep my opinions, experience and parent wisdom to myself.  It's sad, but it's true... .if I want to get along with my child, I have to let her think and act as she wishes, and keep my opinions and advice or wisdom to myself... .and we get along swimmingly as long as I do that.
Remember we do not validate the invalid, if you don't agree, find the target to validate, does that make sense. I find many times my DD want's to be listened and heard, simple as, she's actually just getting it off her chest and what's presented is much more inside. Like your DD is with the military conversation, is all she's saying is it's not for me? I can't do this (despite others suggestions she can), that's the target validate her feelings, she can't do it, take it off her plate?

I almost feel like I am being sarcastic as I write this, but I really am not.  I am just telling what I am living... .seeing... .and not sure if there is anything at all I can do other than love her... .and keep my mouth shut in an effort to continue to get along.  She is an adult in her mind and has never taken any form of guidance or opinion from others, most of all me... .her opinionated and unsupportive mother (even though this is very untrue!)... .so, in favor of having at least a period of good things going on with our relationship... .at least for now... .I am just riding along, keeping my thoughts and opinions and reality checking all to myself and just loving her.   

LorT you are on it!  The dialectal dilemma is the invading feeling that results when applying logical thought to emotional responses at the time of the response. Over riding the emotional mind with logical mind creates an effect that is unsettling - a dialectal dilemma.
Wisemind is the integration of emotion mind and reasonable/logical mind.

1.21 | Triggering, Mindfulness and the Wisemind]https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0]1.21 | Triggering, Mindfulness and the Wisemind

LorT it's akin to peeling away the layers of an onion and as we do we change our approach. Take your good time, when I focused on my learning, I did better, I felt more confident... .…….

Small steps my friend, we've got you. 

WDx
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #27 on: November 10, 2018, 01:04:27 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. The discussion has continued here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330879.0

Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!