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Author Topic: I want to be free of these emotions. I want to feel nothing for him  (Read 573 times)
Getoverit
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« on: October 29, 2018, 11:45:22 AM »

I continue to feel frustrated. I was doing so well and now I'm back in a slump. I read my journal and it is the same crazy figure 8 cycle where it feels like I'm turning a corner just to realize I'm going nowhere.

I want to be free of these emotions. I want to feel nothing for him. I want to feel proud of myself again.

It takes work to get what you want. I wish I could feel motivated but instead I'm so tired.
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2018, 12:45:34 PM »

Sending you  , Getoverit!  It's a struggle for all of us, and I'm sorry you're going through another slump.  I tend to think it would feel so much better if this was a linear process, but my T has had to remind me that this is just not the case.  In the book I'm reading, it also talks about how we can go through some of these phases repeatedly, and sometimes we're going through more than one at the same time.  So confusing and exhausting, and--as you said--frustrating!

Just know that it is a good sign that you are still moving, even if it feels like you're in a circular or figure-eight pattern.  It's normal, and the good news is you are not stuck in one place.  As I understand it (though have not yet gotten there myself), these slumps should get shorter and less deep as time goes on.  Not sure if that's your experience yet, but I am hoping it's the case... .

mw
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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2018, 02:04:34 PM »

Getoverit and mama-wolf,

Good to know that I'm not alone in my slump.  After doing research on BPD and reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells twice, I felt like I had all the tools necessary to take on my BPD husband.  BUT at the moment he is going through one of his episodes and I'm not feeling strong enough.  I feel like I'm taking it all personal as if I need to "fix" it to make it better.  I had gone away from that mentality for the last 6 months but I'm right back to feeling that way, which causes me to be in a slump as well. So it is very encouraging to read your comment mama-wolf "... these slumps should get shorter and less deep as time goes on."
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2018, 02:14:04 PM »

i dont think that we can be free of emotions.

its like the scenario/game where someone says "dont think of a pink elephant".

the harder you try to fight, or make emotions go away, the more they tend to persist. the key is to acknowledge them, to also stand aside from them and observe them in a non judgmental (good or bad) way, and then they become more manageable, and we can start to work through them. so when it comes to grief, im a believer in "the only way out is through".

what, particularly, do you feel stuck on? whats persisting?
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« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2018, 12:05:32 PM »

Excerpt
the harder you try to fight, or make emotions go away, the more they tend to persist.

Hey Getoverit, I agree w/once removed, above.  I suggest that you allow your feelings and  acknowledge them as they arise, without judgment.  Just observe them and let them pass through you.  It also helps if you do something to process your feelings.  How to process?  That's up to you, but you could: meet w/a close friend or family member, write in a journal, make an appointment with a T; take a walk in the woods; practice mindfulness; etc.

LJ
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Getoverit
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« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2018, 05:22:04 PM »

Thank you everyone for your empathy. I feel stuck on continuing to blame myself for not ending the relationship sooner when I saw all the signs. It's not like he hid them from me long. I've done everything to go into no contact and then when I see that he is already dating I found myself in a fury. Like many have experienced, I have had to accept that he didn't mean all the things he said and even if he did his emotions were constantly shifting and too unstable.

I lost myself in the time I was with him. I started to pick up his language, communication style, etc. I became paranoid and combative. I observed all of this happening and felt like I was recovering with each time we would not have contact.

Unlike him I would apologize for my behavior and explain that there has to be a better way for us to stay connected. He would not agree to no contact for a while even though he said he understands it's necessary. He wouldn't go to therapy even though it was his idea. The list goes on.

I feel ashamed and angry and don't know how to reconcile these intense emotions.

Even with an amazing therapist, good friends, all the reading I've done, I am troubled by how my anger is taking over my life.
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« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2018, 08:57:17 PM »

Sounds like a lot of distressing feelings, and I get how overwhelming that is.

Your anger is taking over how?  I remember what many here have said to me... .anger is a sign that something is wrong and you are resisting it.  It can be destructive if you allow it to be so, but that same energy can be constructive as well.  It can be focused on making necessary changes to stop the harm to yourself and move forward into healing.

Remember that anger is a key part of the grieving process we essentially all go through at one point or another.  I can’t claim to have made it through this part myself, but conceptually I know it is waiting for me, too.

What are you doing to take care of yourself these days?  Maybe it would be good to connect with a friend over coffee... .someone  who (I’m guessing) would have more kind things to say to you and about you than maybe you feel able to say yourself.

mw
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« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2018, 02:11:32 PM »

Excerpt
I feel stuck on continuing to blame myself for not ending the relationship sooner when I saw all the signs.

Hey Getoverit, Don't beat yourself up!  Who knew?  BPD is extremely complex and it took me nine years of marriage to figure out what was going on.  Instead of blaming, suggest you be kind to yourself, the way you would treat a close friend in a similar situation.

LJ
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« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2018, 05:57:53 PM »

Have you been able to figure out why you stayed in spite of seeing all the signs?  I ask because understanding the why and how of it can help you comes to terms with the choices you made.  I know being able to put my choices and behaviors into context made a huge difference in my healing.
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« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2018, 01:11:42 AM »

Hi Harri,

Thank you for your reply. I have codependent tendencies and many family members of mine have personality disorders or as they like to say "idiosyncracies". My role in the family was to take one for the team constantly. And I was reminded all the time that it was my duty and obligation and fate to be the caregiver.

I think this became my identity even though I didn't feel comfortable with all the responsibilities and pressure. I was supposed to figure out how to help others while never asking or expecting others to help me. There were one too many double standards that were reinforced time and time again.

I found it easier to give in to intimidation and say I'm sorry even when it wasn't my fault, admit guilt when I was coerced, blaming myself for everything gone wrong and struggling with compliments.

I have issues, and I've had them for most of my life. I explained that I didn't have much experience in healthy relationships to my ex long ago when he expressed interest in me and he said that everyone has issues. That was that.

The most disappointing thing for me is that on the surface he knows what to say, but I realized he doesn't actually mean a lot of what he says. He also doesn't understand how he comes across and how it affected me. I asked him many times not to swear and yell and aggressively push me. And his response was "Don't make me then." Why I didn't end it right there is one of the questions that keep me up for days.

I was part of the toxic dynamic and an active and willing participant. I made many mistakes, and I need to get to the point where I can forgive myself.

Thank you all for reading . I hope my posts help in some way.
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« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2018, 04:03:12 AM »

Hi Getoverit

I can relate to the times where I felt that I had got over it, only to then find the days where the ruminations returned, despirited and the feeling of walking through treacle. "tired" fits very well. Just wanting to move on ASAP and get my life back.

All I can say is to not lose traction - it became a lesson to me in endurance. This wasnt going to be an overnight fix, it was a significant emotional hardship that needed time and action steps to overcome. How much time has had to play in it I think is linked towards how much self development I had to embrace as a means of recovery.

In other words, focusing less on what she did, how it hurt, etc, and building a more solid life for myself. The more I concentrated on this, the less she became deemed as important in the big picture.

It took a lot of endurance to get through this, but it sounds like you are on your way; clear set goals and reflecting on progress as you go. I didnt make a journal but I wish I had, it helps to appreciate how much progress has been made regardless of not having yet reached the desired goal of indifference - yet.
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Getoverit
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« Reply #11 on: November 01, 2018, 11:12:21 AM »

Hello Cromwell,

First, I'd like to thank you and I'm sure I speak on behalf of many members for your thoughtful insights. Your writing is both comforting and thought provoking. Thank you for your contribution to the community.

I'm trying to remind myself that it will take time. What I am most surprised by is my reaction to finding out he's already dating, knowing that he continues to lie to women, and the realization that he was probably doing all of this while we were together.

I don't understand why I feel so shocked when I had a gut feeling for so long AND confirmed time and time again that he is untrustworthy and deceitful. On numerous occasions as early as three months into the relationship  he has threatened to and then proceeded with a smear campaign.

It's interesting to read you say that your ex began to show her true colors at the three month mark.

I am fighting off these feelings of "giving him a taste of his own medicine". I've tried to show him in arguments what it's like to communicate the way he does and instead of accepting that there was a problem he would dismiss, ignore, or outright accuse me of being mean to him. It sounded like he really did not understand that he is unacceptably mean to me (and it turns out has a history of being this way to other women as well).

I have been feeling so angry and struggling with wanting to actively annoy him the way he bothered me. I have never felt this way towards anyone so it's all the more disturbing.

I'm feeling so lost and of course blaming myself as I always do.
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« Reply #12 on: November 01, 2018, 11:40:00 AM »

I have been feeling so angry and struggling with wanting to actively annoy him the way he bothered me. I have never felt this way towards anyone so it's all the more disturbing.

I'm feeling so lost and of course blaming myself as I always do.

Hi Getoverit -

I was so angry... for a very long time. This was after the hurt/ fear survival mode. I was like you, I don't really get angry, and am fairly uncomfortable with anger in general because my exhwBPD used it as a coping mechanism, and I hated that. How could he bear to be so out of control?

Now I'm a few years out of the relationship, it obviously affected me badly otherwise I wouldn't still have the occasional dreadful thought about my ex. It's mainly disgust now, but before it was anger at myself for getting myself into that relationship. (The blame game).

So my therapist asked me the following questions:

Did you know he had a mental illness before you married? Answer: No
Did you know when the anger/ jealousy/ fits of rage etc. started that it was mental illness?: No
Do you have a psychology degree?  NO
What did you do when you knew that the relationship was bad for you and your family? I filed for divorce.

What he said to me after these questions was that he admired me for leaving and leaving quickly. Hello? What? Admire me?

After that my anger dissipated somewhat. Every once in a while, when I am down on myself for whatever reason it bubbles up again... but you know what... no one will ever do to me what that man did to me ever again. I take strength in that.

Lately, I've been feeling "some" compassion towards exhwBPD. The man was abandoned as a child, has hopped from marriage to marriage looking for something. Who knows what that is, but I suspect it is a "self".

I'm happy, in a wonderful relationship with a very loving partner. Who would have thought that could happen to me after all this... I don't know, and I certainly didn't know five years ago that I would find happiness again at my age.
 
Anger is not a bad thing. My house was super clean during my angry phase.  

L

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« Reply #13 on: November 01, 2018, 01:31:36 PM »

I am fighting off these feelings of "giving him a taste of his own medicine".

I have been feeling so angry and struggling with wanting to actively annoy him the way he bothered me. I have never felt this way towards anyone so it's all the more disturbing.

I'm feeling so lost and of course blaming myself as I always do.

Hi GetOverit

Thank you for your kind words.

Anger, feelings of injustice, along with wishing some revenge. Ask anyone here if they havent felt a form of this.

there is the opportunity to look back at yourself as the mature one that dealt with this in a way you can be proud of - chances are when the anger subsides you might even have a different perspective on him then as to how you do now - this has very much been the case for me, albeit, not ever believing I would feel that way when those emotions were so very raw and painful.

acts of revenge, keep the 'relationship' alive, its ok to think that way, id also go so far as to say that anger is part of the process, it is important stage on your journey. I havent felt as much anger for her as I have had for anyone, part of that was because I had submerged that anger for - not days or weeks, but cumulative over 3 years. It wouldnt have been fair to have just released it one day, as some people do, i had to take responsibility that I didnt express it at the time for which would have been the cue of; relationship failed, and moved on there and then.

I sometimes wonder why I never sent a page full of unbridled explicit rage and fully put pen to paper my thoughts of what I thought of her, it would have been quite something, and I know exactly what I could have said to trigger her shame.

That sort of answered my own question; it would have gave her the ammunition to paint me black as the bad nasty person after all, somehow or fully excusing all the things she did.

I never gave her that opportunity.

Ignoring is in my belief, the worst you can do, however hard that might feel to do at the time.

best wishes, youll get there GetOverit.
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« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2018, 08:44:25 PM »

Don't beat yourself up!  Who knew?  BPD is extremely complex and it took me nine years of marriage to figure out what was going on.

11 years of marriage for me (15 years total together).  And I definitely beat myself up over the same thing... ."How could I have let that happen?  How could I have stayed in it so long?"

I was part of the toxic dynamic and an active and willing participant. I made many mistakes, and I need to get to the point where I can forgive myself.

The question of willingness is an interesting one.  You say you were willing, but if you were conditioned to not know any other way, then was it really willingness?  You were trying to make something work with the tools you had available.  Now you have different tools, so you're able to achieve a better result even though it can be a painful transition.

I am fighting off these feelings of "giving him a taste of his own medicine".

I have been feeling so angry and struggling with wanting to actively annoy him the way he bothered me. I have never felt this way towards anyone so it's all the more disturbing.

The temptation to make them really understand... .to show them how it feels since they obviously won't listen to what we say... .I have felt it so strongly myself.

That sort of answered my own question; it would have gave her the ammunition to paint me black as the bad nasty person after all, somehow or fully excusing all the things she did.

I remember once with my ex, in one of the last arguments before separation, she had cut me off for the millionth time and so I talked over her, raising my voice, using an expletive to really get her attention (as she would so frequently do).  The immediate look of satisfaction on her face stopped me cold.  She wanted to provoke me to that level of response.  It made me the "bad guy" in the argument since I lost my cool (which I rarely would do).  I promised myself then and there I wouldn't let her do that to me again.  It has been a real struggle sometimes, but I have so far kept that promise.

I was like you, I don't really get angry, and am fairly uncomfortable with anger in general because my exhwBPD used it as a coping mechanism, and I hated that. How could he bear to be so out of control?

This resonates so much for me, too.

So my therapist asked me the following questions:

Did you know he had a mental illness before you married? Answer: No
Did you know when the anger/ jealousy/ fits of rage etc. started that it was mental illness?: No
Do you have a psychology degree?  NO
What did you do when you knew that the relationship was bad for you and your family? I filed for divorce.

What he said to me after these questions was that he admired me for leaving and leaving quickly. Hello? What? Admire me?

My T asked took a similar approach to help me see that I 1) did not enter into the relationship planning for it to end this way, and 2) did not have the professional training or experience to recognize things that seem so obvious now after years of exposure and reading the right resources.

Hang in there, Getoverit!  How are things going today?

mw
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« Reply #15 on: November 02, 2018, 02:32:17 PM »

Hi Getoverit,

You've had some fantastic responses from our friends on the board already and I'm keen to know if the new day has brought any new revelations for you?  I'm in agreement that feeling angry is a healthy and normal part of the grieving process and considering what you've shared that you were subjected to I'd be surprised to hear that you didn't feel any intense emotions.  I know you feel quite stuck at the moment however it is good to hear that you do have a great support system around you in your friends, family and T.  Be sure to keep sharing with them.  

  I also wanted to ask about what your therapist is focusing on with you?  You have so much you're dealing with at present and I'm wondering if your T is concentrating on one particular area or is working with you on all of it?  You've mentioned sexual assault, you're obviously also working through your grief and you have spoken of other lifelong challenges that you face.  

Something that stands out in your posts to me is the self blame and that's why I ask.  This is something I had to work through with my counsellor as I was carrying a lot of blame that didn't belong to me and it kinda snowballed into feeling like I was responsible for everything bad that happened to me.  She was smart enough to figure that out and really hone in on it until she got through to me.  My T is working through self esteem with me and I know in my case the self blame stemmed from that.  Many of us have difficulties with self esteem following a BPD r/s (especially when traumatic abuse was involved), and many of us were already at a low ebb in that respect before the r/s started.  Which leads me to this belief, which was one that I struggled with early on in my detaching:

Excerpt
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you

... .your “BPD” partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It’s a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder. As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the sole problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind. This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible. But the problems aren’t all your fault and you can't solve this by changing. The problems are not all of your partner’s fault either. This is about a complex and incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.
Full article HERE

Does anything in the above summary resonate with you?  Even after I ended the r/s I was still beating myself up for not seeing the abuse sooner, not getting out more quickly, not doing things differently.  I still have conversations on the same theme now when I discuss past experiences with my T and he gently and kindly points out to me something that I'll share with you now:

You did your best at the time with the knowledge and tools available to you then.  

Treat yourself kindly Getoverit.  You deserve as much compassion as you would show to anyone else.  It's OK to feel whatever comes up.  We do not have to do anything to make that feeling go away.  

Love and light x
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« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2018, 09:52:46 PM »

Hi Getoverit,

I didn’t read all of the responses I just want to add that anger can help you with detaching from unhealthy r/s’s.
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« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2018, 01:50:59 AM »

Hello everyone, inasmuch as I'd love to respond to each and every one of you I hope you all understand me when I say I'm exhausted and am trying to stay away from the Internet and occupy myself with other things so as to distract me from negative thoughts.

One thing in particular I want to say in response to mama-wolf is that yes, I remember feeling too "my goodness he actually wants to fight." I once tried to explainedhow he was so argumentative trying to pick apart everything I said and that this "method" was tiring but that I appreciated his critical thinking skillls. Of course that started a heated debate.

Damned if I do damned if I don't. It got to that. Chronic dissatisfaction with me yet he wanted me to see how much he loved me. He would call me then he would go silent for days.

Tonight I feel a little calmer but I'm still feeling the anger hovering over me.

Ive  asked by over and over again why I want to maintain any kind of relationship with someone who is so mean spirited. I have all the evidence that he cheated, lied, not to mention abused me in all sorts of ways. Yet, tonight I found myself thinking that one day if I hear from him, I would be gentle and receive him with warmth and compassion. Why can't I do this for myself? Have any of you struggled with this?

By the way, I'm wondering if I should start a thread about the police report process. It is going to be very very challenging.
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« Reply #18 on: November 03, 2018, 12:19:29 PM »

Great that you're feeling a little calmer.  When was the last time you had any direct contact with him Getoverit?

Excerpt
Ive  asked by over and over again why I want to maintain any kind of relationship with someone who is so mean spirited. I have all the evidence that he cheated, lied, not to mention abused me in all sorts of ways. Yet, tonight I found myself thinking that one day if I hear from him, I would be gentle and receive him with warmth and compassion.

There are lots of reasons why people stay.  Hotline.org has a good list.  What you are thinking tonight sounds like you are reaching for a level of acceptance and maybe even edging towards forgiveness?  Do you think that sounds right?  

Excerpt
Why can't I do this for myself? Have any of you struggled with this?

Absolutely.  I've been aware of it for years, and have been actively working on it for the past couple of them.  It's still a work in progress.  The thing is Getoverit, for whatever reason it's not our default setting to have self compassion.  I think I speak for many of us here when I say that.  Can you think of someone - maybe a close friend, relative or better still child who you would treat with warmth, kindness and compassion if they were hurting?  My T has challenged me to treat myself as well as I do my S4.  It is a big challenge, but having that conscious aim does make a difference.  I posted about intent elsewhere.  I believe the first step is intending to treat yourself that way.  Can you make that an intention?  Going a step further, what can you DO to start behaving in line with your intention?  Today.

I'd agree that it'd be a good idea to start a post about the other topic you want to talk about.  You're getting some great responses from the community here that you can look back on as you reinforce your intention to treat yourself with kindness.  

Love and light x

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« Reply #19 on: November 08, 2018, 01:40:01 PM »

I, too, am on your same journey. I've read all the books, I understand, I know about the BPD tactics, and unstable emotions.  Yet it does nothing to help me process that he has already moved on and is sleeping with someone else.  Hurts.

My new therapist said something to me yesterday that finally HELPED.  He said,  "He is a CHILD.  You can't stay in a relationship with a child. This new woman Forget BPD, NPD and all that... .if they were ADULTS they would seek the treatment they need and take responsibility within their marriage."

We hit our heads against the wall because we are expecting a child to suddenly act like an adult.
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