My ex either seems really keen to talk to me or is distant? Why?

[Lsmw88]

Okay so I’ve posted here a couple of times before. It’s fair to say that since me and my ex split about six months ago it’s been a roller coaster. It’s a very long story so I think In the interest of getting to the point I’ll keep as brief as I can.
After our break up I went no contact on two separate occasions. The first time we were still talking but it felt like she was in control of all the encounters and I felt almost confused as she had initiated the break up but in ways it was like we were still together. After that she was hot and cold and displayed some odd behaviour. I went no contact the second time because she was discussing (almost on a constant basis) who had hit on her that week, so I just compltely ignored a message she sent referring to another such scenario. Since I reestablished contact the second time things have been fairly consistent- although she didn’t reply to me for two weeks after initial contact, maybe conflicted?
Mainly it’s been consistent. We met up once and tbh it was lovely and we got on really well. We’ve text and talked on the phone and she seems really responsive and keen to meet up for a drink. But occasionally I just won’t hwre from her for days after texting her and I’ll get the ‘only just seen this’ or sorry forgot to reply... .is this game playing or does it appear she’s just confused? I don’t text her a lot, maybe every few days,  but I ALWAYS initiate contact. If I didn’t I probably wouldn’t hear from her. Which confuses me became she seems (on the most part) to be upbeat and happy to talk to me. When we met up she brought a lot of old times up. Was laughing with me saying she missed me and asking me when I was next in the area plus said she wouldn’t delete any photos of me. She still wears the commitment rings we brought... .tbh I just want to tell her how I feel but I don’t want to scare her off. What would you do?
Just to contextualise I’m female and so is she, not that really matters.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

pwBPD often feel more comfortable when they are in control.  This helps them feel emotionally safer.  The one who is always initiating contact is not in control.  The slower member of the relationship is in control.  You can experiment with this balance by slowly lengthening the intervals in which you contact her.  If she ends up contacting you first, you may have reached an equilibrium point.  She may never be the one to contact you first, but it's a knob that is within your control to turn, and may be helpful.

If you were to tell her how you feel, what would you say?  (I ask the question for our understanding, don't worry about what the exact words would be).

[once removed]

i suspect that the two of you are on different pages.

a lot of time has passed between the two of you. its obvious that the ice has thawed, and she thinks of you fondly, but she has likely grieved the relationship and to a large extent moved on from it.

from your perspective, there are expectations of contact and hope of reconciliation, so its more prominent/present in your thoughts and actions.

as for telling her how you feel, you can do that. it would likely catch her off guard. not necessarily in the best of ways, but you never know. hail marys in general have a low success rate. it might be more effective, though time consuming, to slowly push to get together more often, and build on it when you do.

what do you think?

[stixx44]

I was also in a similar relationship and usually initiated contact after our numerous splits. 

She was always happy to either see me when I showed up unannounced or happy that I texted her.  She actually never split me black.

My goal of getting back together with her has not yet happened, and perhaps never will.  But I decided this time to do things differently. I decided that it was best if I stopped contacting her altogether, which I did.  I never blocked her because I was prepared to always answer her texts, should they come.

She did text finally after 6 weeks of silence.  Something very benign but sweet.  I replied in kind and that was that.  I then sent her a bday card with a short note stating that I was happy to receive her text and made it clear she could always contact me.

She contacted me again after that, and we had a nice conversation all day. 

For now, I wait for her to initiate contact.  In my case I think it’s best not to pressure her with texts or visits.  I am hoping she becomes comfortable with me again and we can perhaps meet up in person down the road.  Time somehow softens the edges of anger and helps calm things down.

My point is you might want to let her know you’ll be there for her but back off initiating anything.  If she comes to you, great.  But in the meantime, live your life.  You cannot manipulate anything here or control what she will or will not do.  Control yourself and let the chips fall.

I wish the best for you.  I know how difficult these relationships are.