Feeling sad about what is next

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Going through or moving through the divorce is extremely difficult. While I can see that my BPD husband of 38 years is sad, he is really not taking responsibility for the abuse he has dealt out for most of our marriage, along with the lying, the deceit, the infidelity and the lack of any real unconditional love. We will have times when we can talk calmly but it seems he just ends up projecting his feelings and emotions onto me. He told me last night that I was acting like a victim, that he has not abused me, that I have abused him. He is telling friends I am a raging controlling person. He is telling friends I have taken more than half out of our joint bank accounts. When I filed, I was advised by my attorney to go and take out half of the cash out of our savings and checking, which is what I did.
Then he comes back and wants to talk. But when he does, it is all about us needing to forgive each other for lots of things. And then I see the notes he has written about me which are incredibly hurtful.
I just do not see how this can possibly work. Tonight I have struggled as I am getting a good picture of what single life might look like which is certainly not what I wanted at age 58. Sometimes I feel strong and positive about moving forward with my life. Other times, I feel like crying and sleeping for a very long time. In my mind, I feel I have been codependent in our family, holding both our children and my husband and our family together. All the while, behind closed doors, I was left to wonder what was next---what deceit, what lie, what infidelity, what horribly mean remark.
Part of me will really miss him and part of me wishes I had never met him.
I have told him numerous times over the last few weeks that I still love him.  Not once has he told me he loves me.  He usually replies to me that my actions do not show love. 

[lonely38]

Going through or moving through the divorce is extremely difficult. While I can see that my BPD husband of 38 years is sad, he is really not taking responsibility for the abuse he has dealt out for most of our marriage, along with the lying, the deceit, the infidelity and the lack of any real unconditional love. We will have times when we can talk calmly but it seems he just ends up projecting his feelings and emotions onto me. He told me last night that I was acting like a victim, that he has not abused me, that I have abused him. He is telling friends I am a raging controlling person. He is telling friends I have taken more than half out of our joint bank accounts. When I filed, I was advised by my attorney to go and take out half of the cash out of our savings and checking, which is what I did.
Then he comes back and wants to talk. But when he does, it is all about us needing to forgive each other for lots of things. And then I see the notes he has written about me which are incredibly hurtful.
I just do not see how this can possibly work. Tonight I have struggled as I am getting a good picture of what single life might look like which is certainly not what I wanted at age 58. Sometimes I feel strong and positive about moving forward with my life. Other times, I feel like crying and sleeping for a very long time. In my mind, I feel I have been codependent in our family, holding both our children and my husband and our family together. All the while, behind closed doors, I was left to wonder what was next---what deceit, what lie, what infidelity, what horribly mean remark.
Part of me will really miss him and part of me wishes I had never met him.
I have told him numerous times over the last few weeks that I still love him.  Not once has he told me he loves me.  He usually replies to me that my actions do not show love. 

[SlothMaiden]

Hi lonely in co,

I just wanna say that we're here with you along the way of this hardship. I know there is a lot going on and you've already decided what's best for you now. I feel the same way as you, both missing my exbf & wish I never met him at first place. Just focus on yourself and take care!

[JNChell]

Hey there, lonely in co. You’ve been through a lot. 38 years is a very long time.    It sounds like he’s projecting quite a bit and using quite a bit of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) against you. He is also not owning his portion of the responsibility of why the marriage is ending. It’s hurtful that he is saying what he is to your mutual friends. Has there been any blowback from this?

In my mind, I feel I have been codependent in our family, holding both our children and my husband and our family together. All the while, behind closed doors, I was left to wonder what was next---what deceit, what lie, what infidelity, what horribly mean remark.

You are a strong person to have gone through this for the sake of holding your family together. I empathize with you on how things can be behind closed doors. It can be maddening. I’m sorry that you were exposed to this for so long.

How are the divorce proceedings going? I also want to share that we have a board here that deals with family law. The support there is phenomenal. I think you will benefit by getting involved there. Here’s the link.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

How are you holding up today?

[lonely38]

Thank you very much.  I just looked at this site or page and it has a wealth of information. 

[JNChell]

That’s great! We hope that you stick with us. We’re peer based and we support each other here. Yes, there is a lot of information here. This community is supported by experts in this field.

How are you doing today? Any thoughts that you’d like to share? It all starts with conversation lonely in co.

[lonely38]

Well, I looked at the legal site and ordered a book about divorcing a BPD.  Based on the conversations we have had, I am expecting some drama along with the way, especially with finances and with splitting our household belongings.  It seems to me that the best way to be around him right now is calm and distant.  Does that sound right and make sense?  My hope is to get through this as smoothly as possible.  My BPD husband has provided extremely well for me.  I believe he is also a narcissist.  He was in sales all in his life and, as his boss said, was a master chess player in business.  This is what I am expecting from him. 

Right now his moods are swinging pretty dramatically from trying to be nice to being really mean, projecting all of his emotions onto me.  This morning he had emailed me that I have slandered him to our children and gave me a very long definition that basically said my intent in sharing anything with our children about his behaviour was incredibly vindictive and he is extremely hurt by it.  He says he feels no love for me at this point and would need to 'regrow' love but can only do that if I tell him I regret what I shared and that I did it out of anger, etc.

The reason I shared anything with our children is that they have had very little idea of what is going on because of my codependence in protecting them and their dad.  I can no longer be his protector nor can I be their protector.  That actually took me a while to process but once I did, I felt so much better and more free.  I think I have felt pressure from all of them all these years to keep everything the status quo.

Any tips of navigating through the divorce and what to expect are greatly appreciated.

[flourdust]

Any tips of navigating through the divorce and what to expect are greatly appreciated.

I agree that it would be a good idea for you to post a quick summary of your situation and any pressing questions (or even general call for tips) to the Family Law board. The members there have plenty of experience and can give you pointers.

[Clearmind]

Hey there, lonely in co. You’ve been through a lot. 38 years is a very long time.    It sounds like he’s projecting quite a bit and using quite a bit of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) against you. He is also not owning his portion of the responsibility of why the marriage is ending. It’s hurtful that he is saying what he is to your mutual friends. Has there been any blowback from this?

Thats it. FOG keeps you in the whirlwind. We also grieve the loss of the relationship so the cycle of grief is very real and sadness is one of them - anger helps us to detach.

Be kind to yourself - you have been through a lot in 38 years and while it may not seem like it now you will learn so much about yourself, the parts that were controlled and squashed for so many years - its scary and its daunting but the sun will shine. You have made your way here to the board which is great.

The book 'Splitting - Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder' is a good read and also check over some of the workshops here and also begin to work through some workbooks on co-dependency. One by Melodie Beattie 'Co-dependence no more' is awesome and is a workbook type book so its interactive.

[JNChell]

Hey, lonely in co. How are you? Has the law board been helping you out? Looking forward to touching base.

[lonely38]

Thank you for checking.  Things are escalating at this point and I am feeling threatened and concerned for safety.  I am trying to be as organized as I can with the paperwork, recording conversations, etc.  I am open to any tips as this is going to be going on for at least a couple of months longer.

Thanks in advance.

[JNChell]

Ok. Number one concern is your safety. What is happening here?

[Insom]

Hi, lonely in co.  Allow me to join the others who've posted here in supporting you.

What do the next few days look like for you logistically?  Are you two still living together or apart?  Do you anticipate seeing him over Christmas/New Year's?

[JNChell]

You know, lonely in co, I’ve been typing on this site since around 5-6 in the morning. I have to jump off here soon to wrap up Christmas. I would like to spend some time with you before I do that.

You mentioned not feeling safe. Please elaborate on this. I want to echo Insom. Are you still living with him?

What about him is causing you to question your safety?

[lonely38]

yes, he is still living here.  I cannot get him to leave.  Yesterday he found out I had taken the guns out of the house and lost it.  Also,  the lock on our bedroom door is not working.  I have called a locksmith but never got one out.  My BPD husband says if I get the lock fixed he is calling his attorney.  So yes, I am feeling more threatened by him these days.

[lonely38]

I suggested he go up to see his aging mom tomorrow over Christmas and he says he will no go.  Normally, he would be all about seeing his mom.  He is digging in and preparing for a fight.  He actually wanted all of our kids to come over today for Christmas Eve and so we are cooking the normal holiday meal, although much of it was store bought.  He says I have ruined his reputation with our children out of vengefulness.  He is now saying he thinks I have been planning divorce for a very long time which is not accurate.  He is starting to say things that I am ''off balance because I have been seeing 2 different therapists.  Today, he asked me how many meds I am off.  I immediately went and hid them all."  He is accepting no responsibility for the fact that I am now anxious, have high blood pressure, have gained weight, cannot sleep etc.  He says this is something weird with me and that it is all my issue not his.

[JNChell]

This all sounds very difficult. What I’m currently concerned about is your safety. You’ve stressed this as well. What measures are you taking to protect yourself? Please respond.

[Radcliff]

Hello lonely38,

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a difficult and stressful situation, especially around the holidays.  The situation is emotionally volatile, and you are not feeling safe.  A high priority here is to reduce the amount of conflict and volatility.  We can help with that.

Can you tell us about your sleeping arrangements?  Are you sleeping separately?  What kind of lock on the bedroom door needs to be fixed by a locksmith?  Do you have something different than the common interior locks that can be popped open by a toothpick or screwdriver?  It would be helpful if we could better understand the details because it has a bearing on you feeling safe as well as the verbal conflict with your husband.

How old are your children?

RC

[lonely38]

I have been told I can get a lock that is superior to the standard door lock.  One that slides across the top of the door.  Yes, sleeping separately.  He walks in the bedroom in the morning to soak in the tub which feels intrusive to me.  The last couple of days he has been walking in on me while I am getting dressed.  I told this was not ok.  He will initially tell me this is his house.  Then he will say he will knock. He is very back and forth.  He said he will contact attorney if I put a lock on which I believe but at this point, I believe I don't have much of a choice.  I really wish there was a way I could get him to just move out.  I have tried sweet talking him into moving by saying I really think we could work things out if he would move out and give us some space.  I have also thought of just making him really angry to see if he would move out.  If he can actually pack up his stuff to move out, I can change the locks, etc.

I don't think I have anything yet that would allow me a restraining order other than some recorded conversations. 

[JNChell]

If things should begin to escalate, do you  have somewhere else that you can stay? Friends or family? Do you have anyone that you’re currently discussing the situation with?

[Cat Familiar]

I have been told I can get a lock that is superior to the standard door lock.  One that slides across the top of the door.

No lock will protect you entirely. An interior doorframe can easily be broken. What you can do in the meantime is to prop a chair against the door, hang a bell on the doorknob, stack boxes against the door--anything that would make a racket if knocked over and would alert you to his presence. If you make it an obstacle course, it would be less likely that he will try and enter. Of course these measures could also trigger his anger, so tread carefully.

So if he contacts an attorney, then what? He will need one for the divorce. I'm not sure what an attorney would tell him. To me, it would not make a great first impression for a client to complain that his wife needed to lock her bedroom door. If you don't feel safe in your room, why wouldn't you put a lock on your door?

He walks in the bedroom in the morning to soak in the tub which feels intrusive to me.  The last couple of days he has been walking in on me while I am getting dressed.  I told this was not ok.  He will initially tell me this is his house.  Then he will say he will knock. He is very back and forth.  

Old habits die hard. And he sounds like a guy who has a lot of entitlement issues.

I really wish there was a way I could get him to just move out.  I have tried sweet talking him into moving by saying I really think we could work things out if he would move out and give us some space.

Do not do this. No false promises. You've made your decision. Don't veer from your path.

I have also thought of just making him really angry to see if he would move out.

DANGER. Do not do this. Things can get far worse. You don't want to risk your safety.

You may have to live together until the divorce is done. In that case, your best option is to be civil and have as little interaction as possible. I know, it's easier said than done. Do not risk riling him up. You don't know what kind of sleeping beast you may wake.

I lived on the same property with my ex-husband for two years while our divorce proceeded. It was my fault for dragging my feet and not speeding up the process. But during that time, I was running a business, my dad had died, and I had to fly hundreds of miles every few weeks to pack up my mother, who was quickly developing dementia, so that I could move her closer.

During that time, my ex got together with a new girlfriend, she was attacked by a bull on our neighbor's property, I risked my life to save her, my ex nearly became a paraplegic after a fall and had emergency surgery with a spinal fusion--it was a wild year.

But finally the divorce was done, finances were settled, I paid a lot of money to get him out of my life, and at last, I was free.

You will be too. Be very mindful during this time. Be patient. It will be over and you will be out from under his thumb.  

Cat

[Harri]

lonely, thanks for the update.  I think Cat gave you some really good advice especially about not trying to make him angry.  Chances are he will not leave but it will just increase the hostility on both sides. 

None of that will be productive nor is it in your own best interests. 

[lonely38]

I think I already realized that anger would do no good except turn him into more of a maniac.  Thank you for the tips.  I do think I will get that lock and then he can contact his attorney.  Maybe she will start to see who he really is.  I actually woke up at 1:30 this am and read all of the replies here.  It is so very encouraging to have people care about me who do not know me.  I have places to go if I need it which is nice to know.  I just do not want to have to move out of my home during this process.  What constitutes a threat where my BPD husband might be forced out of the home?

[Insom]

Thought I'd check in.  How did Christmas Eve dinner go with your family?

[JNChell]

l38, I’m so glad to see who has shown up to support you. You’re in good hands. I’m also glad to read that you’re going take measures to protect yourself. The word and worry that you stated. Maniac. That stands out. Please take care.

Have you thought about contacting an attorney yourself? Finding the right one can further your protection. If you choose to do this, which I highly recommend, don’t let it be be known.

If you have to leave your home, it may only be temporary, but the important thing is to do what is necessary for your own well being. We can adjust to new living situations easier than we can to injuries.

Personally, I wouldn’t focus on what your husband might do to be able to reprimand him. Focus on yourself.

[once removed]

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