Had a wobble today

[conflicted55]

Just hate the fact the xSOwuBPD parent lives in such close proximity to me. Only have to put my head out the door and I can see who is parked outside. Not good.  
Triggered me today as I suddenly thought my now x could be moving in with her xwuNPDgf. I have no reason to believe this to be true but its a possibility. They both rent so could go back to renting together and one thing is for sure these peeps with PD's certainly are impulsive and move fast. So the thought of this made me panic. That I would lose her for good. The romantic side of me who loves her and would have liked things to work out... .if I wasnt on the receiving end of such abuse. It took awhile to calm myself.

I have not written her a letter in response to her behaviour ie character assasination whilst I was ill and a half dump... which appears to be a full dump. we have not spoken for at least two if not three weeks. We are still to exchange belongings.

Does anyone else struggle with getting things out onto paper after being split black and dumped? I have all this stuff going round my head but cant seem to motivate myself to write it down. its like Im frozen.
A few days ago I woke and felt very low and suicidal. Fortunately, a friend rang and invited me out. I did not want to go but I forced myself. I feel very uncomfortable inside myself... .probably not explaining myself very well. Guess its pain. Cant get over that a longtime friend who became a partner is treating me like this. You would have thought I'd dumped her. I know she is under the influence of the xNPgf and is mirroring her ... .so maybe its the xNPDgf who is treating me like this and my xBPDgf is just the puppet.Cant be sure of anything and that is why it is so difficult to come to terms with.

[Harri]

Hi conflicted.  I am so sorry this is going on for you.

Yes, I sometimes have trouble motivating myself to write things down when I am very upset.   The thing is, it is important to do so and I am glad you were able to do so today.  I find just writing things out, no matter how jumbled it may be, is helpful in terms of sorting my feelings and helping to ground myself. 

A few days ago I woke and felt very low and suicidal.

I am glad you forced yourself to go out with your friend the other day.  It is so hard when we are feeling down but you managed it!  Things will get better in time.  You will not always feel like this.  Does your friend know what is going on?   Do you have people in real life you can contact to do things with?  I don't mean to talk with but to spend time and get out?  Isolating ourselves can sometimes be our instinctive response to pain.  It is not good Conflicted.  I isolate and all it does is magnify my feelings so I hope you can keep reaching out, here and in real life.

 

[conflicted55]

I don't know why but I feel ashamed Harri. I feel ashamed that someone who I regarded as a good friend prior to the relationship would treat me so horrendously. And how they would cut me off (although part of me knows that this is on the insistence of their ex).

I have been holed up in my bedroom. No lights on in the rest of the house as they can be going past my house to visit their parent. I dont want them to know I am home. I dont know what this is about as I have done nothing wrong but something is triggered in me and I dont feel safe.

I am estranged from my family. And just have one friend at the moment who is local to me.

[Harri]

I don't know why but I feel ashamed Harri. I feel ashamed that someone who I regarded as a good friend prior to the relationship would treat me so horrendously. And how they would cut me off (although part of me knows that this is on the insistence of their ex).

I have been holed up in my bedroom. No lights on in the rest of the house as they can be going past my house to visit their parent. I dont want them to know I am home. I dont know what this is about as I have done nothing wrong but something is triggered in me and I dont feel safe.

I am estranged from my family. And just have one friend at the moment who is local to me.

Hi.  I can relate to the feelings you describe here.  It hurts and can cut us right to our core when they break up with us, regardless of the reason.  It is good that you have a friend you can spend time with.  Plus, you have us here.  Don't underestimate how much help and support you can get here.  This site has helped me through some of the most difficult and lonely times I have had.  So keep reaching out and working on you.

Are you able to see a therapist or a counselor for yourself?  Getting help is normal and a healthy response when we are feeling like this. 

Getting out of your house and your shell is important.  Go for walks, a drive.  Go to a movie, do something to give your brain a break.  Do you do art work?  Play sports?  Reach out to people here and support them.  Helping others can help us see a path for our own troubles plus it just feels good. 

You mentioned shame in your post.  That is a pretty big and potentially debilitating emotion to be carrying around.  Can you trace it back to anything?

[conflicted55]

Sadly, I am not well and not mobile. Have had debilitating joint pain. Now on antibiotics as well. Body physically taking the toll of the breakup. Have been distracting myself with Netflix movies. Have some other worries I need to keep on top of but finding it hard to focus. I am seeing a therapist weekly.

I suffered abuse as a kid so I wonder if the shame is linked to that. It appears my x has been playing me for quite awhile... .I did have suspicions... .why did I put up with it?

I have suffered a lot of loss over the years and I am feeling like whats the point when a friend, you have known for years and yet did not know they were BPD,  inflict so much damage.

Thank you for your replies. It means alot to be able to reach out on this board to people who understand.

[Harri]

I am sorry you are not feeling well.  I get that.    One thing I have found is that depression can increase pain or at least make us more aware of it and in turn be more affected by it.  You mentioned you are in therapy and i am happy for that.  Are you by any chance on medication for depression?  Lots of people are and even if it is just to get you through this difficult time, it might be a good idea.  What do you think?

It is possible your feeling of shame is linked to childhood abuse.  Lots of us here have that history.  In fact, I usually spend most of my time over on the Parent, Sibling and In-law board where I have worked on my own childhood trauma issues for a few years now.  It has been enormously helpful both when I was not in therapy but also combined with therapy.  You don't need to have had a parent with BPD or even BPD traits to post there so if you want to swing by, feel free.  We get it there too.

What has your ex said, specifically that seems to hit the target of your shame?  Is there a particular incident or phrase that can cut you to your core?

We really do et it here so keep reaching out for help especially when you are feeling down.  There is no reason for you to go through this alone.  We've got you.

[Panda39]

Hi conflicted,

I'm glad you decided to stop in and "write" here.  I often find it helps to get those things I'm ruminating on out on paper.  It gets things out of my head and gives me a place to put them for safe keeping were I can refer to them later if I want to... .and they stop rattling around in my head.

It was an excellent choice to go out with your friend, I know that can be really hard when your feeling depressed. 

Don't beat yourself up for not recognizing BPD, we sometimes just don't know what we don't know.  It can be really hard to see and it takes time to put it all together.  I've been hanging around these boards for 4 years and know BPD/NPD very well, but it still took me a year and a half to identify my old boss was a Narcissist. We actually had a thread here awhile ago about what is the difference between a difficult relationship and a relationship with someone with BPD... .the differences are very subtle... .it was a very interesting exercise to try to describe the difference.

I suffered abuse as a kid so I wonder if the shame is linked to that. It appears my x has been playing me for quite awhile... .I did have suspicions... .why did I put up with it?

These are excellent questions, we certainly can repeat past patterns, particularly things we internalize from our childhood. Great questions to share with your Therapist.   

I want to caution you to own only what is yours here, I hear you blaming yourself a lot for the break up, it usually takes two to tango.  Your ex has done things, made choices, isn't perfect, don't take responsibility for more than is yours.

I was in an important relationship years ago, we were together 10 years, I thought we would get married and then he cheated on me.  That was a deal breaker for me so I broke it off. 

He cheated and I blamed myself for the break up.  If I had done this or that, or been the perfect person for him, if I had twisted myself into a pretzel he would have loved me enough and would not have cheated.  He cheated and I blamed myself... .that is so messed up.  It took me many years to realize that he cheated and that was on him.  If he didn't want to be with me he could have broke it off and then started seeing other people.

So own only what is yours.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Yellowpearl]

Hey, how are you doing?

I can understand how disorienting it is to be blindsighted and caught off guard by their behaviors, and at the end of it all, all you wanna do is just scream. Often time, I'm learning in regards with those who have BPD, it helps not to try to make sense out of it, cause they likely didn't use a logical formula to act that way or cut off like that. What is kind of helping me in getting through this writing about it, whether it's on here, or even opening up a word document, or journaling. I found the more I kept these feelings inside, the more upset and triggered and down I felt. Of course i'm still working through this but writing helps not feeling like i'm going to have a heartache everyday.

[conflicted55]

Thank you Panda39, Harri and Yellowpearl.

I will try and write stuff down to help me not feel so stuck. I will also try to own only what is mine.

I have bought some toys to entertain myself whilst stuck immobile. Alexa Echo being one of them. thought it would just be handy to play my music by bluetooth but have quickly become aware of so many more uses. Had a hypnotherapy session earlier on 'being judged'. Felt like I had fallen into a sleep... .was very relaxing.

I am not on anti-depressants but may look at getting some... .christmas is never a good time for me with the loss of family members... .so not the best time of year to break up! My xSOwuBPD said she would not be having any xmas decs up this xmas... .(she is mad on xmas and decs). That throws me, why say that when you are going to be with someone else... .make me feel bad... yet she is the one walking away. Their logic is puzzling to say the least.