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Author Topic: daughter left a drunk voicemail  (Read 899 times)
Hyacinth Bucket
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« on: November 05, 2018, 11:15:55 PM »

I did my weekly check of phone messages from my daughter. I just had a voicemail in with I am certain she was not sober, I assume it was alcohol but who knows.  She was kind of rambling and acting like nothing had happened.  This was from last Thursday. She was saying she'd return it stuff soon (which she's said for weeks). I don't want it back so it's a non issue. She also said she left her old apartment trashed. No surprise there.

My therapist said she will probably continue to find random small reasons to contact us for a while.  I'm really dreading the holidays. They are a big deal to her, having grown up in foster care. Last year on Thanksgiving we drove an hour each way to take her to a fun buffet by her old apartment and she was furious with us for "only" spending three hours with her. I'm determined not to do anything out of guilt but not saying anything to her on a holiday makes me feel terrible. I feel that me reaching out on Thanksgiving would possibly open a can of worms with her, I'm pretty for she'd see it as an invitation for a relationship which I don't want until she has undergone treatment for her addiction and for her mental health issues.

I love her very much and I want her to know that.

The holidays are not my favorite too begin with...  
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Only Human
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« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2018, 11:57:58 PM »

Hello HB,

My heart goes out to you. I don't have any words of wisdom, sorry. What I do have to offer is this internet hug because I think you might need it 

~ OH
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wendydarling
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« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2018, 09:33:01 AM »

Hugs from me too HB     what a heart break catch22 situation you're in.

All your actions are because you love her   and you love and care for yourself.

I'm routing with you for your DD to take that step to treatment, you are not alone.

WDx
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Merlot
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« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2018, 06:07:08 PM »

Hi Hyacinth Bucket

The glass half emty screnario is all too familiar.

Last year, I really outdid myself on Christmas day and into boxing day as my husband's sons had stayed overnight. On 27 December, it was my dds birthday, we went and walked her dogs, cooked her a fabulous breakfast and then took her and the baby for lunch at the marina.  I had not had time to make a cake which she made mention of, so that afternoon I made one for her. She came for dinner and was angry that it was an after thought. On new years ny stepsons came over for their birthdays. My Dd was there as well. I had made them a cake which incensed my DD. She accused ne if loving tgem more.

With BPD, it seems enough is never enough.

Loving them, doesnt mean we should be manipulated and made to feel guilty and I admire your resolve here.

Such a shame beautiful celebratory occassions can be overshadowed. We should enjoy these moments unencumbered.

Take care
Merlot
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2018, 07:52:09 PM »

Hi OH, Wendy, and Merlot,

Thank you as always for the hugs and encouragement. It always makes me feel better. I am determined to enjoy the holidays with as little guilt as possible. My husband and I booked another two week trip in December so I will be gone for Christmas, which I'm very thankful for. I can't believe it's almost been a year since we went on our first trip in four years together. pretty much the first thing I did when DD cut off contact with us a few weeks ago was book another trip. Both because I need something to look forward to, but also because it feels so luxurious to be able to travel and not worry about her having a full melt down while we are gone.  I was so nervous heading up to the trip last year, I was sure she would try to sabotage it somehow.

Merlot, yes, it totally is a glass half empty. And that actually makes me feel less bad about not contacting her at all on Thanksgiving. Because even if I did, "only" saying hi would most likely incite a huge guilt trip about how she's homeless/without family/etc for the holidays.

Getting the drunk voicemail from her was weird and a little unsettling. I'm pretty sure she was lying to me about how much she was drinking before we cut off contact. It's hard to hear her like that and not worry, but I think I'm doing an ok job letting it go.
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Only Human
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« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2018, 08:28:28 PM »

pretty much the first thing I did when DD cut off contact with us a few weeks ago was book another trip. Both because I need something to look forward to, but also because it feels so luxurious to be able to travel and not worry about her having a full melt down while we are gone. 

What a great thing to do for yourself and your husband. And your marriage <3

You're doing a great job letting go, you should be very proud of yourself. As I've said before, your strength inspires me.

~ OH
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jones54
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« Reply #6 on: November 08, 2018, 09:40:58 AM »

Hi Hyacinth Bucket,
As we have mentioned before, our situations are very similar. I, as well, am not looking forward to the holidays. My daughter is now staying with an old friend because she really had nowhere else to go after her impulsive trip to Florida and is now back. She has not contacted us other than when she decided to come back to say she was coming home and she was sorry she made me worry. The friend she is staying with has been in communication with her mother to let us know how she is doing (working and sober) but she has never made any effort to contact us. I struggle with not knowing what to do with the holidays since this has always been a sore point of her (says she was always excluded... .not true). I spoke with my therapist and he said I should leave it up to her to contact us even if we go thru the holidays and we hear nothing. Very hard for me. He also said she needs to be appropriate when she contacts me.
I struggle with not contacting her and she feeling that again we do not care about her and are abandoning her. But if I do contact her the hate texts will start about how terrible I am and have never done anything for her (obviously not true). Difficult to pull back without her feeling that her parents
do not care. Glad you are taking a trip to get away. I did this years ago and she did not come along since she was working and in school (did take my son). She has never let that go saying I deserted her at Christmas.
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2018, 05:30:16 PM »

Hi Jones54,

Thanks so much for your reply.

I talked to my therapist as well and I decided not to say anything on Thanksgiving. I only felt obligated to out of guilt, I don't particularly want to talk to her. I'm trying super hard not to do ANYTHING out of fear, obligation or guilt anymore.

I think one of the hardest things with BPD is that they feel (and make us feel) like we are causing them to have these feelings. In reality we have no control over their feelings. We can try to be kind and compassionate, but for me at least I've decided that if my daughter doesn't want to feel abandoned and excluded from the family, she needs to do her part. We can't be the only ones trying to have a healthy relationship. If theyre not capable of trying then we have to decide what our limits are.

I think your daughter knows you love her. She apologized for making you worry.  She may feel abandoned but most likely the deeper feeling is failure kn her part for trying to move and having to move back. She doesn't want to feel responsible for that. It helps me to remember that most of the negative feelings pwBPD have are related to themselves, and the nasty resulting interactions are projection.

It also helps me to remember that sometimes acting out of obligation or guilt it actually enabling our loved ones with BPD. They use any method they can to get the reaction they want, and if we are only reacting and not being true to want we actually want, we are giving them exactly what they want and reinforcing that that is a way to get their needs met.

I think if you genuinely miss her and want to say something on Thanksgiving, that's fine. But if you're only worried about her feeling abandoned, I would reconsider.

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jones54
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« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2018, 11:30:37 AM »

Hyacinth Bucket, you are spot on. What you are saying is so true. I so often forget that I am living in FOG. I will pity her and then worry that she is "OK". For some reason I make it out to be more my problem than hers. I need to remember it is a two way street and she can contact me as easily. While I feel bad that she is in the position she is in, I have to keep reminding myself that she is the one that lost everything due to her addiction. She is the one who got herself kicked out of two halfway houses. She is the one that impulsively bought a bus ticket to Florida, lived in a motel, ran out of money and had to stay in a homeless shelter there for 2 nights. Interesting that when this happened she did not reach out to her parents for help (maybe finally realizes we have had enough).
Manipulating our feelings for their benefit is so true with my daughter. You are so right saying they would rather project instead of look in the mirror and take responsibility for their mistakes. My daughter has played the victim for so long that it truly holds her back from getting better.  When she came back tired and hungry from Florida, she told her friend (who told us) she wanted to start therapy. She had agreed to this before when I paid her first month's rent but she never followed thru. You are right, I need to set up and hold to my boundaries that she follow thru with seeing a therapist.
Thank you for bringing me back to reality. I always am hoping that things can be "normal" and I will feel bad for her but it is so easy for me to get lost in the FOG.
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2018, 03:05:44 PM »

. Interesting that when this happened she did not reach out to her parents for help (maybe finally realizes we have had enough).


Hi Jones54, I bet she has! You and her mother have given boundaries consistently and lovingly. Eventually it sinks in! That's great. Well done.

You said your daughter agreed to go to a therapist when you paid her rent. That's where we have been with our daughter for the past couple years. Every time she wants to be bailed out she tells what she knows we want to hear. She actually did try it again this time but I told her she'd have to seek help on her own. That may have actually been the point when she realized we were serious. Willing to let her be homeless despite her saying she would get the help we told her she needs.

I'm so glad you're out of the FOG  it's so easy to stay there and sometimes really difficult to even see we are there in the first place. I think I lived there for a couple years at least. It's terrible.

I hope you have a great weekend and you're doing an excellent job!
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StepMonster

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« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2018, 12:30:42 PM »

Re: The holidays

Is it terrible that my sis-in-law and I have a bet as to who will make a bigger scene at Thanksgiving - my DSD15 or her 3-year-old?

StepMonster
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2018, 07:34:24 PM »

Hi StepMonster,

I feel your pain! Our first Thanksgiving with my daughter (we adopted her as a teen), she slept all day and had wanted to make a dessert. I made it for her while she slept after unsuccessfully trying to wake her up and she was so angry she almost refused to even go. 


I checked my messages again and had a voicemail from DD saying she made appointments with a therapist and a psychiatrist. I'm not holding my breath. I hope she follows through. But it will be a long while until we see whether she's serious.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2018, 08:11:21 AM »

That was your Tuesday check-in HB?  Yes, it will take time, to know what's what and if she sees it through, gets hooked on helping herself get better. 

How's your week going? Are you feeling some calm, relief... .from self care?

WDx
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #13 on: November 14, 2018, 12:19:53 PM »

Hi WD,

Yeah it was my weekly check.  She sort of asked if we would be interested in family therapy at some point. I might be some day after she does her own work. Now is not the right time. Not sure how/if I'm going to respond to that.

Week is going alright, I'm on travel for work. I have been feeling much better between self care and total lack of drama in my life. I am feeling sane again.

HB 
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wendydarling
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« Reply #14 on: November 14, 2018, 02:02:20 PM »

I am feeling sane again.


Phew, this is good to hear. It reminds me of after 14 months weekly DBT/meds my DD saying she felt kindness and gratitude, instead of blinding pain, the 3 degree burns ~ not that it's all done, there is always work for her to do, now she can do mindfully, through self care. Well your DD sorted of asked …… "at some point" and no doubt your therapist who sounds absolutely excellent can help you work through respond, or not, the detail, it's early days and your message is her to seek treatment (not family). I'm interested to hear what your therapist advises in your situation, when you next catch up after your travels. As you know people do best with a strong support group, you are strong HB, what does that look like now stepping off the BPD rollercoaster, to a moment of first calm, taking control of your life? Small, gentle steps. Parents here often share our second name is Patience.

WDx
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jones54
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« Reply #15 on: November 14, 2018, 02:56:43 PM »

Hi Hyacinth Bucket,
Thanks for your encouraging note before last weekend. I admire how strong you are in not letting your daughter manipulate you and you stick with your boundaries. If my daughter asked for family therapy, I would probably jump on but that would be more for my benefit. When her mother and I were meeting with a therapist last year I always asked if we could do family therapy. The therapist said my daughter would need to see a therapist alone first then her parents could be included. Probably does not make a difference at this point since we have heard nothing from her saying she is even seeing anyone (after she agreed to see someone when she came back). I agree that they should set this up. I did so many times in the past for her and probably was not the best since it should be her wanting it more than me. I understand the relief you are getting by not being around your daughter taking the verbal abuse. I feel the same way but it always seems to drift back for me wanting to reconnect. Her mother and I decided to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving next week. Sincere on both our parts but also have to be honest that I do not want her to say you never contacted me (although I know she can text us as well). Still struggle with this but do want her to know we still care about her. I hope your daughter is serious about seeking out therapy. That for me would be a huge step forward.
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #16 on: November 14, 2018, 04:53:05 PM »

Hi Jones54,

Thanks for your note! And thank you for your kind words.

I hope she's serious too but I really won't believe it until she's been going for a while.  She's made the minimal effort in the past and either only went once or never showed up in the first place.

She has stressed repeatedly that she thinks our relationship problems are entirely my and her dad's fault. I am pretty sure going to therapy with her before she's actually very far through her own therapy she would use it to shift to being "our" problem/responsibility instead of hers.

Another thing that bothered me is that she sent me calendar invites for her appointments and made a point of saying they're close to each other and that she's not sure she will have the copay for it. I'm fairly certain she's hoping that since she made the appt that I'll jump in and offer to take her and pay the copay. Which in the past I probably would have. I would have been so grateful for her making any effort at all that I would have jumped right in, at which point she stops making any effort.

I think I will wait to respond until I see my therapist next week, which is next Tuesday.

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