The holiday gifting emails have begun

[Joha242]

    Okay, I apologize if I'm hi-jacking this thread, but I have one last comment and would love feedback on this.

The holiday gifting emails have begun. There will be at least one a day, likely more, and simply put, I have no space for this kind of interaction.  I'll not get into details, but I'm darn near a breaking point in general in my life. I work full-time, have 2 kids (caring for them virtually solely as my ex/co-parent has had recent health issue which make him unable to), own a home, and ... .it's just a lot. I've not been able to do any of my usual self-care (exercise, solitude, a massage now and then) so my stress level is admittedly higher than usual.

With today's email ("I'd like to get these for the kids. I think they are very _____. Please let me know if this is okay with you."), I'm considering telling my mom a few things. I'd like to be honest, but not hurtful, but blunt. These things are:

1. generally about my stress level and mental health state
2. in relation to that, how I feel about the holidays and gifting (which she's already aware)
3. she doesn't need to run every gift past me. I don't have time to coordinate nor do I enjoy it
4. use your best judgement regarding the gifting, and think of how it'll go over (I've given her a few basic guidelines before)

But... .this seems counter to the idea of RA. What would y'all do? While I like the idea of RA, I also feel like it's natural and SHOULD BE the norm to tell people what you can handle, how things affected you, etc... .Please advise. Please, please, please.  

[Harri]

Hi Joha!

Radical Acceptance does not mean accepting everything a person does.  It does not mean allowing them to annoy you or abuse you or drive you up the holiday wall!  RA is accepting that she will do this ... .and setting limits.  RA is knowing it is up to you to say something.  RA is accepting that she is very needy but you do not need to feed into it.  Make sense?

I think what you wrote in your list is brilliant.  Combine all of the statements and then combine them and tell her.

 

[Libra]

Hi Joha,

With today's email ("I'd like to get these for the kids. I think they are very _____. Please let me know if this is okay with you.")

Oh how that sounds familiar... .Yes, it is crazy how such a 'simple' request can result in such high stress levels.

For my mother, I think the main issue is placing the responsibility with me. A gift that is not met with the correct amount of enthousiasm feels as a personal failure, and thus as a rejection (her worst fear). But if I am the one suggesting or approving of a gift beforehand, she can put the blame on me, and avoid feeling rejected. I haven't yet found a way to avoid the barrage of mails, but at least I can now see why she is stressing about this so much.

I'm considering telling my mom a few things. I'd like to be honest, but not hurtful, but blunt. These things are:

1. generally about my stress level and mental health state
2. in relation to that, how I feel about the holidays and gifting (which she's already aware)
3. she doesn't need to run every gift past me. I don't have time to coordinate nor do I enjoy it
4. use your best judgement regarding the gifting, and think of how it'll go over (I've given her a few basic guidelines before)

Juggling a full-time job and children is not easy. Doing this almost solo requires all your attention and energy, I am sure!  

I have been struggling with my health and stress levels as well. My mother knows I have been ill, but not to what extent. Telling her that would only make her fret, and would uppen her attempts to boundary-bust with 'well-intended help'  

In my case, I am trying to communicate points 3 and 4 to her. Not in one clear mail or talk, because that simply doesn't work: she shuts down when trying to talk things through and simply stops 'hearing' me. Instead, I am trying to throw every ball back into her camp, getting her to take the initiative again. It's an intricate game of ping-pong, but I hope this way she will get the message in the end. It has worked for me in a couple of situations these last months, but of course every relationship is different, and it might not work in your case.

I hope you find some way to get the spamming and the related stress under control.  

Libra.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I keep thinking about this part that you wrote: 

But... .this seems counter to the idea of RA. What would y'all do? While I like the idea of RA, I also feel like it's natural and SHOULD BE the norm to tell people what you can handle, how things affected you, etc... .Please advise. Please, please, please.

It is natural and it is the norm to be able to tell people how things affect us and what we can handle and it can still be done with a pwBPD.   Acceptance means managing our expectations too.  She may not react the way you want.  She may not be able to understand what you are saying.  She may not hear what you say.  None of those are reasons to not speak up.

Again, acceptance is not a matter of taking abuse, making us small so we don't set off another or invalidating ourselves.  None of that is healthy.

Here is another article on Radical Acceptance that is more in depth that the other one people read here.  I'd like to hear your thoughts on it if you read it Radical Acceptance - Marsha Linehan PhD