NC Fallout w/Other Family Member

[Irish1477]

Over Thanksgiving I went NC with my dxBPM mom, which I am completely at peace with, and it was a decision that was long overdue. I have no regrets over this decision, it was best for myself, and my family. My brother fully supports me, and is currently LC, but cannot go NC for his own personal reasons which I in turn respect. We are allies in this, as we have lived this rollercoaster together our entire lives. The problem is with my mom's sister.

Backstory: My mom's sister & her brother both lived hours away from us, but as children my brother & I had a close relationship with them. As we became adults and began calling my mother out on her actions, she quickly alienated us from them, and made it apparent to us they were on her side.

Fast forward many years, and my uncle (mom's brother) & I sit down for our first heart to heart & I find out he never knew about the abuse we suffered as children, but has known for many years that my mother lies & cannot be trusted. He never wanted to talk to my brother or I, as he felt it wasn't his place. We thought she had everyone fooled, so we never spoke to them. We talked for hours & discovered decades of her lies, including her stealing his husband's identity. I was appalled, but not surprised.

Immediately, we both realized we needed to speak to my aunt, my mom's sister, as my mom was going to be moving in with her, and working in her place of business. We were worried my aunt did not know any of this, and was being played a fool by my mother's schemes. However, upon speaking to my aunt, it appears she did know everything, and turned it all around on me telling me that she is saddened by text messages I had sent my mother, and wonders how anyone could hate their mother so much. I know exactly what texts she is referring to. 6 years ago my husband and I were fostering a child we intended to adopt. One of the married men my mother was sleeping with (while married to my 3rd step-father) began contacting me & harassing me to have my mom more involved in my life. He began telling me about my foster son, and he needed my mom in his life. We had to get a restraining order against this man since he somehow had my address, and I had to notify the foster agency, and CPS of the situation, putting the adoption in jeopardy. I was livid. She knew she was not allowed to speak of my foster son, and she was a felon on probation at the time who was not allowed at our house. She got all of her information from our biological sons when they went to her house. Once again she put her need for attention ahead of children & their wellbeing. It triggered me. My texts to her were ugly, and mean. I admit that & accept my behavior & words. Years of abuse & an entire childhood of her need for men putting myself & brother in danger came out in that text. My foster son deserved better, and she had managed to get to him.

Anyways, my aunt told me that it is best that we agree to disagree as she wants us to have a relationship, and she knows everything about my childhood, the fraud my mom has committed, all of the affairs, and everything else my mom has continued to do. But, she is her sister, & she will always love her so I need to learn to forgive so this doesn't keep affecting the entire family. My aunt was the strong female role model in my life as a child. I spent summers with her, and it was amazing because her home was clean, I always had food, and it was the first place that showed me what a real home should be like. She got out of bed everyday, took a shower, went to work, cooked, cleaned house, and made sure my needs were met. She didn't take crap from anyone, and stood up for herself.

This has crushed me. She knew all of those years what was happening, and did nothing. Even now, in her mind, I am supposed to keep my mouth shut, take it, and continue to let my mother hurt me.  I have been in bed for days unable to get up, today being the first time I showered since Saturday and have barely eaten. I cry constantly and feel so betrayed and like that 10 year old kid again that feels like no adult cares or like I have any parental figures. I just feel so lost & empty.

I am a strong woman. I have an amazing husband of 17 years that loves me dearly & 2 amazing boys that are my world, and my family. My group of friends are like family, and I truly have a wonderful life. I am not suicidal, nor chronically depressed. I will get out of bed tomorrow, and face the world again and be the strong woman I have raised myself to be.

I do not understand why this has hit me so hard. When I think of my mom it does not bother me, but the second I begin to think about the interaction with my aunt I am overcome with tears and feel like I cannot function. I have not felt like this since I was a teenager and my brother & I were separated for the first time ever. I have made an appt with my former therapist, but with the holidays she cannot get me in until January. I am normally really good at working these things out in my head as to why I feel/react the way I do, but this one is stumping me. I think the feelings are too overwhelming for me to think rationally.

[Irish1477]

I think putting my feelings down on "paper" has helped tremendously. I've noticed this past week I have reverted back to some of my learned behaviors, and allowed myself to be triggered by things that years ago I worked through & identified. My husband texted to tell me he would be late for our dinner date, the date he set up to force me out of the house, and immediately I was upset & wanted to cancel because he must not really care for me if he is allowing work to be more important. I have not reacted that way in years! My mom would use that manipulation against all of us, and until my husband called me out on it one day early in our marriage I never realized I was doing it, or even why.

My 16 year old son made a comment that he wishes his truck was running so he could get out of the house & it put me in tears. This is a relationship that I am completely secure in, and even when he is being a teenaged monster, I know that it is not personal, and does not reflect on our relationship. But today, I sat in the bathroom alone & cried.

My biggest fear is that one day something will happen so horrible that I won't be strong enough and will have a breakdown and end up with BPD myself. When my mom was first diagnosed & I was discussing it with my therapist I was terrified that I myself might have BPD as I was struggling with my own behaviors/anger, but I've learned that many of my behaviors were learned, and also a lot of lack of self awareness. Right now I guess I just need that reminder that I'm okay, going to get through this, and that a few bad days don't define a lifetime.

[Harri]

Hi Irish.

You're okay.  You're going to get through this.  A few bad days don't define a lifetime.   

You will not suddenly wake up and be BPD.  It does not work that way.  Besides, you are not just aware but are working on this and you know your feelings are off and you came here and posted about it.  This will pass.

Obviously what happened with your aunt touched some deep stuff.  Maybe abandonment?  I don't know for sure but I do know that everyone has certain fears and what is important is managing them.  You are doing that.  Keep digging and see what you can link the feelings to.  Sometimes it helps to get through these episodes by remembering that being triggered like this is just helping you to be aware that there is a bit more work to be done.  That is a good thing... .even though it feels horrible.

I am glad you posted.

I hope you enjoy your night out with your husband.

[once removed]

I think putting my feelings down on "paper" has helped tremendously.

it certainly can have that effect. it seems to me you were effectively getting at why the conversation and revelations pained you. sometimes putting it down can gleam that bit of insight that sticks, but it can still take some time bouncing back.

did you decide to go NC with your mother before or after the conversation with your aunt?

[Turkish]

It does sound like how your aunt deals with this is a huge betrayal. Yet can you see how she deals with this is how she deals with this? You deserve to be safe to feel how you feel without outside influences.