Holiday provocations...how to stay healthy? Respond to text messages?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Hi... .This is my first thread, so thank you for your patience in advance. I’m not sure of the abbreviations, and how to post, but I know I need help- and I am hopeful that maybe here I can find some support - as I’m not sure what to do. 

Brief history.  My g/f wBPD and I have been together for 2 years- though she broke up with me - after my father died- out of the blue- when we were at his house cleaning it out. So I went no contact for a few months- then we slowly started to get together again - It’s been a year since we reconciled.   The last year has been very difficult - with personal challenges on both sides.  I have been going through a very intensive job review (for promotion- a yearlong process) and she has 2 kids (less than 5 yrs old), has been trying to establish boundaries with their father, who keeps violating them. And I have had serious health crises in the last year. I am grateful to now be on the upswing with my health.

Recent situations. However, I am now emotionally exhausted.  We were doing so well for a long time- but in the last month, she has started fights out of the blue (with the help of my therapist- i see the pattern - perceived abandonment (when I can’t be there at her house whenever she wants; we live 45 mins away), fear of emotional intimacy  (following happy times we have together), need for constant physical affirmation that we are together (she consistently says she needs physical affection).  But I am tired.  Over the last 2 weeks, I have been establishing more personal boundaries for myself (e.g., one night she wanted to come over b/c suddenly the kids were staying with the aunt since the aunt wanted to see them, but I has been looking forward to 1 night for myself- so I said the night wasn’t good b/c I wanted my space), she. Said she understood. And it was very supportive. 

This past weekend. But then during the weekend - she has turned it into “I will not be assertive for physical attention -so you can feel comfortable initiating when you want”.  But the problem is - I do feel pressure - and moments when I want to be intimate she sabotages - (e... g, the kids sleeping in her bed; she “forgot” our date night that she had suggested; the aunt/uncle coming over the night). But then she turns it on me - that she is sorry she cannot meet my emotional needs, and hopes I can find that with someone else if not with her. But she hopes we can find that “spark” again. The problem is that during the weekend - she was tired, and started to get angry with a broken glass, etc...   But I knew not to engage - and gave her space.  I didn’t even engage when I showed up ready to go out to the place she suggested- and when I realized she wasn’t getting ready - I asked her if we were going. Then she said she forgot.  I think I’m supposed to be true to my feelings - but not blame. So I said “I was looking forward to going out.  I’m going to change.” She said - “You don’t have to change”.  I said- “No, i’d Rather be in something more comfortable.” I removed myself from the situation - I just wanted to cry.  When I came down - she looked at me and in a loud tone said “Look- I’m not going to be made to feel guilty about forgetting. You forget too - you know.” Well, the truth is - i don’t, but I didn’t engage.  I said “I didn’t say anything... It’s hard to feel frustrated about forgetting.” Then, she said something... and I said I wanted  a drink b/c that’s what I was looking forward to ( i don’t drink a lot, but lately - I just want to drink and numb myself - my therapist says in general - that  look emotionally numb).  She was out of alcohol.  So, I said well i’ll Call to the liquor store- she said she would and I said no I would.    I wanted to get out of there - I just wanted to cry. I felt so sad, so alone.  My therapist has been working with me on acknowledging her BPD (she doesn’t know she has it or at least has never said anything to me - though my g/f is in therapy). After a HUGE fight that came from a misunderstanding last week, she was very verbally and emotionally abusive.  It was impossible to ignore that this was a full-blown BPD rage. So after that - I have been coming to grips - feeling grief over loss of a relationship I don’t think I can ever have- can i? Can I have my emotional needs met? 

Upcoming thanksgiving hosting dinner. We are hosting Thanksgiving dinner at her place this week for the first time - in honor of my mom’s traditions - she had passed away many years ago.  But now, I don’t want to. I would give anything to cancel the dinner. But my cousin/family are coming over.  And I really want to honor my mom’s tradition. We had been doing so well - when we decided to do this 6 weeks ago, it made sense. But the fights are constant- I feel beat up, emotionally-exhuasted. I am behind on my father’s estate, my job, and I’m not sleeping.  I now take sleep meds every single night to try to get to sleep. I average 4-6 hours/night.  We do not live togehter. Though after the last fight she thinks it would help if I moved in because “at least we’d sleep in the same bed each night”.  I said “no”- we need couples therapy to figure all this out.   But I did say - and she has known that I want to move closer in the next 6 months.  I cannot imagine living with her right now.  It’s the emotional up and down. Right now, she blames me for us not being intimate- it’s not my need she thinks. Or something like that. The truth is - which I’ve shared with her - that feeling emotionally-safe is key first for me.   We are supposed to go on a big international vacation trip - for the 1st time- in January.  I really want to cancel that too - but I struggle b/c I would love to take a trip for me to... It was her idea for us to go to this place, and I’ve come to see the location as a very spiritual rejuvenating place. But I can’t take anymore “unnecessary fighting” as I call it - meaning fights that are coming out of nothing (though I know in her mind- her perceived reality- is that these causes are real. They’re not though. They never even occurred). As long as she gets sex constantly then the fights will go away I think is her deeper meaning.  She ‘s not having her “needs” met. She needs physical attention. I feel used, manipulated, and just want to hide under blankets rather than have her touch me - particularly when she is saying things that are so passive aggressive.  Yet why am i here? Because I love her and there were so many good times- times when she was there.  It’s just the pattern is the inconsistent pattern, and that is emotionally costing me. And now my work is affected. I don’t want to get out of the bed many times. I feel hopeless, drained.  I feel like I have no help. I feel constantly emotionally manipulated.   

So my questions are: a) how do I respond to her text messages? Last time this happened, we have agreed not to text when feeling angry - it was her idea. This last text wasn’t angry - it was just passive aggressive... trying to provoke me... she sent a date “Oct 4”... with nothing else... .so then I said “Oct 4?” And then nothing. An hour later a relatively long text saying “the last time we made love... .” and then she said all these beautiful things - about that time- and the hope that we can find the spark again... .she said ‘I probably should not text/talk. I just need to re-charge. I love you. good night”. She was very tired at that time.  I have been ignoring it today. Not responding, but I feel manipulated. She puts her feelings out there- and I don’t get too. What I want to list is all the dates of the 5 major fights (some that went on for 2-3 days” since oct 4. How can anyone be intimate - especially since those fights were the most emotionally/verbally abusive she’s ever been? I am reading bPD books - particularly for those who love those with BPD. They say not to engage. That’s what the BPD wants. Rather, the best option is not to reinforce- more for my sake as a boundary than hers.  but I’m so angry. I don’t care about thanksgiving. I find myself feeling rage internally - and I don’t usually feel rage/anger.  This all feels pointless.  2) How do I approach the international trip? I have searched for a couples therapist who specializes in BPD, but we are on waiting lists... and probaly won’t have an appointment until Feb/March. She is all about the couples therapy. I thought about asking her if we can both go to her therapist or to mine (though the preference for me is to go to hers) for a few sessions to discuss the international trip - and whether/how we can be proactive about how to approach the trip so we both enjoy it.  3) What do I do though about all these text messages - when they come?  If I don’t respond, then I’m giving her the silent treatment? Am I not? I don’t know what to do. 

I feel this is the only place (along with my therapist) who truly understands.  My therapist is making me wonder if there is any hope at all with someone with BPD. And everything I read seems to say that any relationship with a bad means you will basically have to be a “parent” in the relationship, which is exactly a role I have determined I never want to play in a relationship again - I felt that in a prior relationship. I really want a “partner”.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

You have indeed found a supportive place where people understand.  You are exceptionally articulate in describing your situation and your emotions.  It is a very difficult place to be in.  By not engaging in drama, you are doing important work to avoid making things worse.  Two missing pieces are looking out for your own needs, and reaching out positively to her through validation.  Actually, you are looking out for some of your needs already, through boundaries.  That was good that you were able to hold your ground and stay at your place that night when you wanted some alone time.  Have you read or talked with your therapist about the benefits of validating the pwBPD's feelings?

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks RC.  This is very hard for me- setting boundaries. Something I have been making a lot of changes in a number of aspects in my life over the past year. 

I'm not really sure how/what "validating feelings" sounds like. I've watched videos about it and read articles/books, but I'm still unclear in this situation what those words are/sound like - in a way that doesn't sound like a therapist. Sometimes she says I'm analyzing her- and I use "fancy" words- when really I'm just being me.  How do I validate feelings and still also state my boundaries too. I think when I spend all the time listening to her, I feel beat up inside- it's constant criticism- and I don't feel like we spend really any time talking about my feelings/needs.  She likes to think she is being "emotionally supportive" and wants me to tell her that. She wants me to say "You are a good girlfriend"... .literally, she says that- that I should say that.  And at times, she expects me apologize for when I share that I'm not feeling emotionally supportive.

What happens after I validate the feelings? What does a BPD do?  Does she ever consider my feelings/needs after her abusive behavior?  It seems so hard for her to apologize- though sometimes she does.  I'm constantly in a state of wanting to cry... .I start shaking inside - when she's criticizing.
 
How do I handle Thanksgiving? How am I supposed to cook a dinner- with family coming over, when I want to cry?  Should I tell her that's how I feel?   I just want peace - I want to not be criticized.  When she asks "how can I help" That's what I say "no criticism. No fighting."   

I really appreciate your time. I feel so alone.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

i just tried to respond to her recent text and said " Thanks for sharing these feelings. It's lonely and frustrating to not feel the magic, physical or emotional connection that we need. Since you suggested last time and I agreed that we not discuss these importatn feelings by text/email, we should find a time to talk about these by phone or in-person. I love you. have a good day. 
... .It also helpful that we try to discuss the patterns of all these lengthy fights since Oct 4 th too. These hurt feelings, feeling emotionally exhausted with ups and downs understandably impact feelings. And I was hopeful we would have some intimate time this past weekend and understand that everyone is doing their best."

So... she responded "No, I don't want to talk about it more.  Please don't bring up the topic until after the holiday."

So... what did I do wrong? I guess I didn't validate her feelings.  And I definitely don't want to bring up anything.

[Radcliff]

Your second paragraph was a pretty big ask to have in an e-mail.  That's more of an in-person thing.  She's asked to not talk about heavy stuff until after the holidays.  That sounds like a good idea, if you want to enjoy the holiday.

I'm sorry that you're headed into the holidays feeling vulnerable and sad.  Having relatives coming for a big meal can be worrisome, but is also an opportunity for good feelings.  The key here is to define success for the holiday weekend in a way that is achievable.  What good things would you like to have happen over the holiday weekend that you have a reasonable amount of control over?

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thank you RC.i’ve been thinking a lot about whst you said—you are right-that was a big ask. I had reached my limit. I’m so confused-how do we say what we think/believe/want to a pwBPD?  For example, my g/f has been blaming me for no sex etc... the truth is that there is a fight weekly that she provokes. Band she always has her kids in her bed not theirs. They are ages 3 and 5. Like right now—i am on the couch downstsirs. I was cooking for yhanksgiving-we had a great dsy-i took your advice and didnt bring anybrough topics. We had do e flirting moments. But i am so pissed. There is no room for me in the bed. I am exhausted. I could sleep in her room(she’s onthe bed in the guest room-its more comfortable)but i dont want to. Does it say something thst i choosenotbto sleep upstairs?

She doesnt seem to be in tune with some of my feelings/needs. She is going out of her way tho to prepare for my family coming to her house for thanksgiving. I evencooked dinner tonight. At what point andhow do i get to say that i want to be appreciated?  Honestly im so confused anymore about what i want because i dont even know whats “normal” to want? Im so used to being on my own. But i feelalone. And im depressed. I told her yesterday and she listened well.

So what do i do about this sleeping? I want to go home but i live an hour away. How does she not even notice thst i’m not there?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Also: i did establish goals for holiday weekend:1) laugh with hee hitls; b) laugh with my family; c) honor my mom’s memory by sharing stories/photos; d) drink lots of alcohol; e) positively validste her where i can.

My therapist thinks i should end this relationship. That makes me sad too.

[Radcliff]

I'm glad to hear that you're reframing the weekend in terms of things that you can control, but am sorry for the sadness you're feeling.

The sleeping arrangement is not something you can fix this weekend.  You mentioned going back to sleep at your place.  On those nights when she sleeps with her kids, would you feel better if you were back at your place?  Have you had a discussion with her to understand why she wants to sleep with her kids?

RC