Holidays

[StepMonster]

 
Thanksgiving is days away here in the states and Christmas is just around the corner everywhere. Does anyone have tips to help us get through the holidays with our DD?

She's discovered that at 15, we can't physically make her go places and her new trick is to refuse to attend family functions at the last minute. Because she's on suicide watch, we can't just leave her home alone. Has anyone come across any tools that helped them and their family enjoy (survive) the holidays?

Thanks for whatever you can suggest.
StepMonster

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi StepMonster,

What does "suicide watch" mean?

~ OH

[once removed]

She's discovered that at 15, we can't physically make her go places and her new trick is to refuse to attend family functions at the last minute.

hoo boy.

whats her reasoning?

[wendydarling]

I'm sorry to hear this. It is a biggie for many here Holidays, Christmas, birthdays …. The thought of being in social situations can be overwhelming and often made my DD feel worse, anxiety hit the roof, she wanted to hide, she’d dysregulate at the thought of it. I once found her on the floor curled up in my sisters’ bedroom under a blanket, hiding from the world. She just could not handle it and I came to realise at that time expecting her to was making everything worse for her and for me, she was very ill and she was in crisis.

As once removed asks what's her reasoning? Is there something here you can validate?

[Hyacinth Bucket]

If you're going to people's homes, could she take her phone or a book and go in a quiet room by herself? My daughter used to go take naps when we visited my parents and she felt overwhelmed. That way you could check on her periodically.

 

[StepMonster]

Suicide watch: Until we get the clear from a psych professional, we aren't supposed to leave her unattended for more than 15 minutes at a stretch because she has attempted suicide twice this year. We have to check on her constantly. All our medications, knives, and tools have to be under lock and key.

I don't exactly know why she doesn't want to attend. I know it's stressful for her. I know she's trying to get my husband and I to break up (ain't happening) and thinks that if she forces one of us to stay home, it will cause problems for us. I know BPD doesn't usually involve that level of manipulation, but she's also the child of an addict, so she has more skill at that than the average BPD.

I'm trying to decide if I should rush out and buy a TG meal for us to eat at home and just forget about seeing family tomorrow.

[wendydarling]

How long have you been on suicide watch? What is your psychiatrist putting in place to gain the "clear" what does that mean?

Is HB's suggestion an option? Mixed with staying home and family popping by to you for nibbles, film, music, chat? Where your DD knows life continues (no breaking up families, it ain't going to work) and she can look after herself, stay in her room or not, it's her decision, choice. I think it can be easier at home, bringing your life in, regularly, as you can continue your life and work with forwards, may help her? It's hard for you right now upon the hols upon. It's also good to talk, cos I've been where you are, not a DD thinking they can split a loving relationship though  

Good to talk, always.

WDX

[once removed]

bottom line: consequences for good and bad behavior.

positive reinforcement for good behavior is ideal. with acting out behavior, you dont want to send a message that rewards it or lets her know that it works.

but given the fragile nature of the situation, you dont want to just jump in with things that are overly punishing and punitive (it wont work and may make things worse); its a "consequence fits the crime" kinda thing, where she gets the idea that this method is simply counterproductive; that there are better ways.

there are also considerations here, that may depend a lot on motives. for example, does she have social anxiety? there are ways to address that that get at the heart of her motivations.

any ideas?

[jones54]

I agree that holidays are the most difficult time of year. Such a shame since they are supposed to be family oriented and fun filled. If you DD is at risk for suicide, I feel that takes the priority position. Difficult because you do not want her wishes to be able to manipulate you in doing only what she wants. Even though I have not spent a Thanksgiving with my daughter in years, I still struggle wondering who she will be able to be with or would be all alone. I am divorced and have gone to my girlfriend's family for years (DD does not care for her). Her mother goes home (5 hours away) and last time DD went with her mother she was holy hell so she no longer wants her to go.
As far as your daughter wanting to break you up, I have experienced the same thing. When my ex had an affair my DD pushed so hard to get me to divorce her and now with the new girlfriend she would be elated if we were no longer together.   Suspect whomever I would be with she would not be happy.
So hard with this disease because in many situations with the choices we are given , it often seems like with either choice we do there are more negatives than positives.
Sorry about your being put in this situation.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

How was Thanksgiving for everyone in the US?

[Only Human]

Thanksgiving has never been a big holiday for me. I divorced when my kids were young, 5 and 2.5. We didn't trade holidays like so many do - my immediate family is small, just myself and my parents, and no big feasts there. My ex's family is huge and they gather for all holidays, it's always a big deal. I happily sent my kids off to celebrate with them while I got some much needed respite from 24/7 single parenting.

This year, DD had planned to move to another state the day before Thanksgiving and I had planned to join my BFF and her family for dinner. DD has since asked to stay until January but I knew she wasn't interested in doing anything for Thanksgiving. I seriously considered getting a grocery store meal but decided against it.

So, I went to my BFF's and DD stayed here. She asked if it would be ok for her dog to come for a couple of hours (this was before she decided to stay and she wanted to see her dog before moving) so she had a day with GS, her exBF (GS's father figure, and one of DD's only in-person friends) and their dog. They made Christmas stockings, went to the dog park, and hung out at home. DD said it was mostly a good day.

I enjoyed my day with my BFF and her family.

Thanks for asking, HB!

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I'm glad you had a nice day with your friend, OH! And that your daughter didn't mind not spending it with you.

My parents and brother and his family came over to our house. It was the first time we've hosted. It was nice and relaxed. And I checked my messages and had nothing from DD. Maybe it's finally starting to sink in.

I'm pretty certain that she didn't go to the therapy appt she made on Tuesday, as the charge would have shown up on my insurance and it hasn't. I'm not at all surprised.

[Only Human]

Hooray for a relaxed holiday, HB! Too bad your DD probably skipped therapy, ugh.

[wendydarling]

How did it go StepMonster?

HB and OH glad to hear your day went well.

[jones54]

HB, don’t feel bad about not hearing from you DD. I, as well as her mother reached out to our DD on Thanksgiving day. We wished her a Happy Thanksgiving and told her we loved her. Her response? Absolutely nothing. No surprise I guess. She spent the day and had a nice dinner with other people ( as well as both her mother and I did). Such a shame she could not simply returned with a similar nice text. I guess the positive is she did not lash out at us!

[medianeh]

Not a word from my dd either.

I did text her on Friday and told her we missed her on Thanksgiving, and that I hope she's doing well.  No response.  Oh well, I tried.