How to Speak with Kids

[slowsteve]

The first person to tell me that my wife might have BPD is my 17 year old daughter. 

Grandma (wife's mom) suggested this to her.

Would it be appropriate to get my daughter a copy of the Eggshells book, and talk about this with her?

I'm a bit scared that my wife might find the book, but I really think it's the right time to start talking about this with her, and perhaps her 15 year old sister.

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[once removed]

if your wife is not diagnosed, i would hesitate.

it would be one thing for all of you to say "we have this diagnosis, what can we do now? how can we best support wife, each other, and ourselves".

it can be a fine line between that approach, vs everyone against your wife, or your wife perceiving/feeling that way, which would not help anyone.

there are certainly ways to talk about these things with your daughters, and ways to support them.

thats my two cents... .lets see what others have to say.

[slowsteve]

She's not diagnosed.  But she does see a psychiatrist.  I think she tells him that her problems are caused by ADD, and he has her take Ritalin to help with this.

[Harri]

I agree with OR that keeping labels out of it, especially if undiagnosed, is generally the best way to go as a parent.  What matters is the behaviors and having a way to cope with them.  Kids can learn ways to set boundaries and use communication strategies that will help them cope and not internalize a lot of the messages mom sends.  This is something you can demonstrate to them as you change the way you interact with your wife and also teach them on your own. 

Validation goes a long way and may help with your younger daughter and son especially.  So that would mean asking them about their feelings and thoughts if they express upset or confusion about moms behaviors.  Confirm their thoughts and feelings about what they think is going on.  One thing that would have helped me growing up with a mentally ill mother was knowing that my perceptions were right/acceptable and that my feelings were normal and okay.

It sounds like the cat is already out of the bag with your older daughter but I would still avoid talking about a diagnosis if possible.  If she wants to read about BPD on her own that is up to her you can't really stop her. 

You might want to do some reading over on the Family Law, co-parenting board.  There are parents there posting how they handle certain situations with their kids.  Even though they are usually divorced, some of what they write may be helpful to you as well.