My young adult daughter suffering

[Parents! Get help here!]

My young adult daughter recently disclosed to me she has been diagnosed with BPD. She is seeing a therapist, and has been putting effort into going to appointments, making slow progress however still attending after a lot of convincing to accept help. She has struggled since a young age with anxiety(social and general) recieved a diagnosis of ADHD in early elementary and generally has had many ups and downs, more so the past 2 years. I'm hoping to find some practical advice mainly on how to help and support her, calm the chaos that is our family life now,as well as communicate with other parents who may be facing the same struggles as most of my friends see her as being very manipulative, controlling and demanding of me, which is hard to hear when turning to others for support.

[Momma 16]

My young adult daughter recently disclosed to me she has been diagnosed with BPD. She is seeing a therapist, and has been putting effort into going to appointments, making slow progress however still attending after a lot of convincing to accept help. She has struggled since a young age with anxiety(social and general) recieved a diagnosis of ADHD in early elementary and generally has had many ups and downs, more so the past 2 years. I'm hoping to find some practical advice mainly on how to help and support her, calm the chaos that is our family life now,as well as communicate with other parents who may be facing the same struggles as most of my friends see her as being very manipulative, controlling and demanding of me, which is hard to hear when turning to others for support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Momma 16  

Welcome to bpdfamily. I'm glad you've joined us for support and understanding how you can support your daughter, you are  not alone.  

Your daughter sounds self aware by gaining a diagnosis and recently disclosing to you. This is a big step forward, I hope you find some relief knowing you can learn how to support your daughter.

It is a slow process, treatment is not a race, slow steps forwards and some backwards before going forwards again. The road to working towards managing disorder was not linear for my DD, just like life. They can however through learning skills, tools and therapy find a life less traumatic. It takes courage and determination on their part, its a tough path and it takes listening and patience on our part.

You say your daughter has struggled since a young age, more so in the past 2 years. Can yo share her recent struggles these last two years? This may help parents provide practical advice how you can support her, calm the chaos in your family life, through the tools, skills and lessons we learn here.

Welcome again, we are here walking with you.  

WDx

[DremNCWgrl]

Welcome Momma16!

That is so exciting that your DD is willing to accept help!  In many cases, including mine, that is a huge hurdle!  I hope you find this community supportive and that your DD continues to stay on an upward path!

[Momma 16]

Hi there,
In response to the questions asked in the reply Sept.11, myself, oldest daughter and youngest daughter moved from their childhood home after the sale of it, I hung onto it as long as I could being a single mom. We(the 3 of us) moved into an apartment staying in the same city they grew up in for a year while waiting for my youngest to graduate high school with plans on moving to a different city(close by) with my current boyfriend of 4 1/2 Years. We waited to move in together for 3 years, making my daughter well aware of our plans. My daughter met and started dating her current girlfriend about 5mths before we moved from the apartment,not in my opinion the best influence on my daughter,however, that is her choice! My daughter started skipping school, smoking drugs (which I do not condone) leading to her not graduating. We moved and she did end up completing her high school education at a different school which her girlfriend also attended (Yay! For my daughter for completing though) Myself and boyfriend did allow them to live with us, set some firm boundaries/ rules in regards to that however, 5 months after, none of the goals we had set out for them in regards to school/working were met, as well as many other rules disregarded,so we ended up telling her girlfriend she could no longer stay with us, our house, living conditions with them arguing, making messes and not cleaning up after and just being plain disrespectful were an absolute nightmare! After her girlfriend left to live with her grandparents, my daughter also went to stay with them, telling them heaven only knows about family life with us. Presently, my daughter is still staying with her girlfriend and her grandparents as well as couch hopping at friends houses. She recently missed her therapist appointment, asking me to call and reschedule for her. She is telling me she really wants to do something with her life for the better and turn things around for herself, however, she is insistent that I move back to our old city as she does not like where we live now. I see no benefit in taking steps backwards as far as moving back, as it would be very easy for her to access certain friends, girlfriend, with lifestyles I do not approve of or see beneficial to moving forward in life, my daughters as well as my own. I’m really at a loss as to what to do to encourage, help and support my daughter in moving forward towards independence. I/we (my boyfriend and I) provide a home, food, security as well as I still provide financially as best I can for her to purchase bus tickets to get around in hopes she’ll turn herself around. I really want to believe her when she tells me she wants to get on track, however I have a hard time trusting her now and believing her. I tried to set some boundaries with her as far as speaking/texting respectfully to me, no swearing at me and calling me names, and that has improved somewhat. Any help and or advice would be greatly appreciated, I’m feeling very overwhelmed and guilty for moving in with my boyfriend and refusing to return to our old city by times like my daughter would like me to do. Help!

[wendydarling]

Hi there Momma 16

Thanks for sharing more with us.  

I hear you, it's overwhelming, your daughter is making emotional demands of you, to move back to her previous home town, you are happy with your partner 

I'd like to share with you this lesson as you say you feel guilty, I felt fear of losing my daughter 3 years ago, I, we changed this as she wanted help, reached out to the medics like your DD has.

5.09| "FOG" - fear, obligation, guilt

Is your daughter still wanting to help herself in treatment, if so focusing, supporting her can go a long way, as I have learnt, small steps and more learning to our right  

WDx

[Only Human]

Hi Momma16 

I'm new also and wanted to welcome you and say that you are in good company. The people who post here are supporting me every single day.

most of my friends see her as being very manipulative, controlling and demanding of me, which is hard to hear when turning to others for support.

I can relate to this very much. Most of my friends are not able to support me. I'm lucky to have one friend who has a family member with a personality disorder so she understands my unique struggle, pain, frustration, and hope.

Hugs to you.

[Momma 16]

Thank You for your words of understanding, it is really an emotional roller coaster daily with my daughter, never knowing what to expect from her,never knowing what she is going to do,she has and does say some very mean and hateful, disrespectful things about myself and my boyfriend, how I/we have ruined her life by moving in together and she can't live with him so telling me pretty much to make a choice, get a place just her and I for a year or she will commit suicide. Sometimes I just feel like I am in a very tough position and feel very alone trying to figure things out with her. Again, thank you for your kind words of understanding.

[Only Human]

Oh Momma 16, I do understand the daily emotional rollercoaster! It must be very stressful for you when she threatens suicide unless you do what she asks.

In a recent post of mine, Kwamina posted the following:

Dealing with threats of suicide isn't easy, even when you believe the other person isn't 'serious', caution is probably advisable. We also have some resources that can help you with this:

Dealing with suicidal ideation in others

Here's an excerpt:
Quote from: JoannaK on August 10, 2008, 09:49:44 AM
How To Be Helpful to Someone Who Is Threatening Suicide
 
Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.
Be willing to listen. Allow expressions of feelings. Accept the feelings.
Be non-judgmental. Don't debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or whether feelings are good or bad. Don't lecture on the value of life.
Get involved. Become available. Show interest and support.
Don't dare him or her to do it.
Don't act shocked. This will put distance between you.
Don't be sworn to secrecy. Seek support.
Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance.
Take action. Remove means, such as guns or stockpiled pills.
Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention.

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I found myself doing everything in my power to make my DD25's life easier, to make her happy, to ensure her she is loved, cared for, and wanted. I did these things in hopes of helping her to avoid a crisis, and in turn, neglected my own happiness, peace, and self-respect.

My daughter also says some very terrible and disrespectful things to me. When we were on better terms (when I was doing what she wanted, when she wanted, enabling and rescuing her) she was great to be around. She's funny, thoughtful, generous, and kind, she thought I was the best mother, employee, friend, woman.  

My daughter was diagnosed around age 17 and I initially rejected the diagnosis after reading some very hopeless information on the internet. Earlier this year I found a great therapist with experience with BPD and she helped me see that there is hope. It takes a lot of work, their work and ours. As hard as I tried, I could not make my daughter help herself and so I did all the work and then I became resentful.

Are you seeing a therapist?

I found BPD Family just a short time ago and I have learned that all the things I was doing were not helpful at all. The articles and workshops/lessons here are incredibly helpful and based on solid knowledge and understanding of those with BPD and those who love and care for them.

How old is your daughter?

[Momma 16]

Hello all,
In response to a few questions from my last post, my daughter will be 20 right before Christmas next month, and yes, I am in the midst of finding a therapist as well as a local support group for people with family members with mental illness. Had a really rough day a few days ago with my daughter, lots of yelling, accusations, beating on walls as well as on her own head, cursing, name calling, threats(suicidal) and eventually leading to her putting her hands on my shoulders in a threatening manner at the top of our stairs leading to the front door landing. This led to her leaving, in the middle of a snow storm and bussing to friends, we have had very limited contact( through texting) since. I am very deeply hurt, disappointed and saddened by this last interaction with my daughter, however, I do feel somewhat relieved that she has not been home the last couple days as I feel more at ease in my own home... .until the guilt kicks in, what did I do? What could I have done differently? Constantly asking myself if she’s safe, if she knows I love her and want what’s best for her even if that means me not being part of her life as I seem to be such a big trigger for her, do I allow her to come back home? And if so, what are some reasonable boundaries and expectations( she’s not working or in school, hangs out with friends and smokes marijuana, as well has me questioning if other drugs are involved) Any advice? Help!

[wendydarling]

Hi Momma16     I'm sorry to hear things have escalated, your daughters hands on your shoulders in a threatening way is most concerning, is this the first time you've physically felt threatened by her? Your DD kicked off big time, the saving grace she was able to leave, you've both time out, that doesn't take away the hurt and disappointment you feel.

Am I right, your DD continues to make demands going back with her to her home town, to leave your partner... .You ask what did I do, what's the trigger, what boundaries to set if you agree she comes home. Is this still her major issue/trigger, her threat she's focusing on you, to save, rescue her? Is your DD still in contact?

A broad house of support is critical, to moving forwards. I'm glad to hear you are seeking out a therapist to guide you through and group support and your family here, we're walking with you  

WDx

[Momma 16]

Hello,
My daughter and I have had limited contact since our last interaction when she put her hands on me, and no, sadly and in all honesty, that was not the first time I felt physically threatened by her, but the first time she has ever made any physical gesture/attempt towards me and my biggest fear is that it may not be the last if the situation arose. I am still and do provide what I can financially for her ex: paying her phone bill, supplying bus ticket money and as suggested most recently by my therapist, buying her gift cards to go get groceries so that way the responsibility is on her to meet some of her needs as I can no longer rescue/save her, it is taking a toll on me, my ability to work as a caregiver to my full capacity as well as some of my personal relationships (mainly with my boyfriend) I have wavered back and forth about moving back to our hometown, as my daughter wishes, just her and I, to see if that would be what she needed to move forward, however, this last interaction solidified to me that it would not be the best choice, for her or I. She had an appointment with her new therapist the other day, which she had requested, however, she text me 20mins. before the appointment saying she missed her bus and was not attending. Again, solidifies to me that she is just not willing to accept help so I guess it wouldn’t really matter what I do, if she’s not ready, she’s not ready. However, as her Mom, I worry about her constantly, and am having a very hard time just letting go. I just hope for her safety and well being and hope she knows I’m there for her when she is willing to accept help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders