A very bad weekend

[StepMonster]

My 15-year-old step daughter (lives with us full time. Won't see her mom currently) was finally diagnosed with BPD on Halloween after 2 hospitalizations. She meets 9 of the 9 criteria but even though she's been in therapy since early childhood, no one put it together before now. My husband and I have been reading all we can and trying to figure out how to get her into treatment without selling a kidney. Or how to get someone to buy one of our kidneys. Whichever.

In some ways, we are very new to BPD and in others we are experts. I'm reading the Guide. My husband is reading SWOE. We're starting to get a picture of what we need to do to improve our family dynamic. We've started talking to her about the condition. Starting to understand why none of the normal parenting tools seem to apply to her. I've already used some of the new tools. But this weekend we had a convergence of bad moods and I feel like we lost miles of ground.

I was going to give you all the gory details, but the truth is, she pushed my buttons and my husband's buttons nonstop for 2 days. My husband had to leave twice to avoid elevating the situation. It wasn't enough. We both lost our cool totally. I yelled. He tipped over a table. And in the end, she still did all the things she was being told not to do. Sunday we tried to talk about it. We both apologized for our anger, but she had NOTHING to say. This morning my husband had to come home from work to get her to go to school (because they are so helpful, he also had to ask the school to punish her for her truancy - but that's another topic).

To her dad, she does this reversion thing after a blow up where she calls him daddy and uses a little kid voice while clinging to him. Maybe it worked when she was four, but it's just creepy now. She just hates me. She'll be nasty to me until I flip the switch by buddying up to her (which I can't do while I'm still mad. She can tell) or until she wants something from me.

I'm so frustrated with myself for losing my temper. I'm frustrated that I couldn't intervene to support my husband or play interference for him. I feel really defeated today. I don't know if I need any advice, so much as I need to feel like other people go through this and it's not hopeless.

Yours Truly,
The Wicked Stepmonster

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

hi StepMonster, and

a diagnosis can be a critical step in an upward trajectory.

perhaps even more than that, a strong support system, who can walk the line between loving and firm, consistently, and are also on the same page in tackling things, is a leading indicator of recovery. this is very good news.

even so, learning and applying these tools is a lot like a lifestyle change, and will take a lot of practice to adjust to. they will take time for your stepdaughter to adjust to, especially at a trying age. there will be ups and downs, fires, blowups, or worse. but theres a lot of hope here.

im glad you reached out to us, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here. a strong support system for family members and loved ones, is likewise, critical.

how are all of you reacting to the diagnosis?

[StepMonster]

We are reacting as well as we can, I think. After being so long with "a problem to be named later", there was some relief to discover what we're up against. And it fit her to a T. So much of her behavior started making sense.

I've lived with mental illness my entire life (first my mom's and then I hit puberty and we got to be depressed and have panic attacks together) so I was expecting the diagnosis to be half the battle. For my problems, and my mom's, we mostly just need medication. Sure, sometimes we have symptoms anyway and after a decade or so we often need new meds, but it's not hard to treat my problems.

So it was really hard to realize that my kid's problems weren't going to be solved that way. It is more than a little daunting to realize that we can't really help her unless she chooses to be helped, which is not her style. Well, at least sticking with that choice isn't. She has refused to attend family counseling with us. She was kind of proud (?) when she thought it was PTSD, but BPD is more embarrassing to her. And she's a huge fan of ignoring it and hoping someone else will fix things for her.

I'm kind of terrified. My husband is running on empty. I can't really work because she needs round-the-clock supervision since her suicide attempt this summer. (I teach art part time at a museum because they offer me really flexible hours, but it just barely pays). My husband has lots of bills from his divorce. There's no way we can afford the therapist who has been recommended to us. Her mom is an untreated BD recovering drug addict with brain damage, so no help there. (Since we got SD's diagnosis, her grandparents admit that they were told her mom had it, too, but they never sought treatment for her).

I spend a lot of time reading and praying.

[Only Human]

Hi StepMonster,

I join once removed in welcoming you to BPD Family 

You've come to the right place for support and knowledge. I'm sorry for what brings you here but I am glad you found us.

My DD25 (25 year-old-daughter) was diagnosed around age 17 but had lots of difficulties beginning around age 12. You have a jump start that many don't have and have taken a very important step by joining the Family. We are here to support you, we get it.

My DD was hospitalized due to self-mutilation many times in her adolescence. She had great medical coverage through my employer and we took advantage of all services available. She moved out the day after she turned 18. Since then, she's been back in my home off and on, usually for very brief periods of time before I couldn't take it anymore. She came back in 4/2018 with my GS4 (four-year-old grandson) and I found BPD Family after she terminated individual and family counseling in 8/2018. Recently I gave her 30 days notice to move out and that date is 11/26.

As once removed said, it's like a lifestyle change. I am fairly new here and have learned so much already. Most importantly, I'm learning to take care of myself.

"My husband and I are trying to figure out how to get her into treatment without selling a kidney. Or how to get someone to buy one of our kidneys. Whichever."

I understand this desperation and also appreciate your sense of humor.

Please don't be so hard on yourself for losing your cool. Someone here once told me, "We are pushed to the limits of normal parenting" or something like that. You should be proud that you are reaching out for support as you learn a different way to communicate with your stepdaughter.

I want you to know you are not alone.

~ OH

[once removed]

It is more than a little daunting to realize that we can't really help her unless she chooses to be helped, which is not her style.

this is certainly true, but i want to emphasize that the examples we set for our loved ones can have an enormous influence.

i dont want to overstate it either, of course. as i said, this is a trying age, it doesnt sound like shes taking the diagnosis well, and sometimes things do get worse before they get better. with a diagnosis, and you and your husband on the same team (supporting her but also each other), the storms can get easier to weather, and perhaps fewer and further between as she ages.

can you tell us a bit more about what therapy has been like for her? you mentioned shes been in therapy since childhood, but her attitude is such that shes not much open to help. what has been the focus of therapy so far?  

whats going on in school? you mentioned shes being punished for truancy?

I'm kind of terrified. My husband is running on empty. I can't really work because she needs round-the-clock supervision since her suicide attempt this summer. (I teach art part time at a museum because they offer me really flexible hours, but it just barely pays). My husband has lots of bills from his divorce.

you do sound exhausted, and in need of support. it sounds, in these circumstances, like a therapist for you would be out of the question right now? are you able to lean on friends or family?

[StepMonster]

whats going on in school?

Until this year she's been an honor roll student and active in small group activities. She was enrolled in a number of AP classes for this fall - her first year of high school. She's always had days when it was hard to impossible to get her to get up and go (usually after some perceived fight with a friend in hindsight), but she liked school. When she heard me talking about home school with a friend she went on and on about how she could never be home schooled because school was her LIFE.

This summer her mental health issues escalated. The school knows she has mental health issues, since she was inpatient the first week this year. Their response has been... .intensive but not helpful.  When she came back to school she was too far behind to really catch up in the AP classes. Her grandma, who is also her girl scout leader, told the girls why she wasn't at meetings, so the whole school knows she was "locked up in the looney bin". Awesome.

The first weeks back she was constantly complaining of panic attacks and asking to be picked up early. We allowed her to cut back her schedule so she would have more study halls. When we went in to talk about accommodations, the school basically wrote her an individual education plan that allowed her to leave class for whatever reason at any time. She spends more time in the office than the classroom. Her grades have tanked. When she refused to get up and go to school, we'd call and talk to the counselor and the counselor just protected her from punishments (her action, not our request). My husband finally had to drag her to school late and demand to see the principle.

I wish I'd been there to see her face when a parent actually complained that their child WASN'T being punished. Our message that she had to be responsible for her actions was falling on deaf ears because she knew their weren't going to be consequences.

She's not skipping school like my friends did when I was in school. She's home. We know where she is. We always know where she is. But she's 15. We can't physically make her go to school.

As an added bonus, when we were getting along, she wanted to come home early just to hang out with me. I have had to put my devil horns back on so she would stay at school.

I feel for her. I can't imagine how hard it was to go back with the feeling that everyone was saying she was crazy behind her back. We have even considered moving her to a different school, though the options aren't attractive. There is an alternative school available, but I'm afraid they would just coddle her more.

Thanks for the support,
StepMonster

[StepMonster]

you do sound exhausted, and in need of support. it sounds, in these circumstances, like a therapist for you would be out of the question right now? are you able to lean on friends or family?

I do have a psych doctor and a counselor who are covered by my husband's benefits. My family and friends are very supportive. It's just hard to find time to get away or schedule anything because we can't leave DD15 alone. It's why I'm just exhausted and my husband is holding on the frayed knot at the end of his rope by his teeth. Despite working at a hospital, he can't get time off to talk to a professional. His BP ex prevented him from maintaining friendships and his family is not a source of support for him.

He feels very, very responsible for DD15. Like it would be unfair to ask anyone else to deal with her, even for a few hours. My psych PA mentioned respite care at my last appointment. I'm not sure how to make that happen, but my husband almost cried when I told him it might be an option.

We need a professional baby sitter for a kid who's almost old enough to drive. Welcome to Oz.

[StepMonster]

can you tell us a bit more about what therapy has been like for her? you mentioned shes been in therapy since childhood, but her attitude is such that shes not much open to help. what has been the focus of therapy so far?  

I'm new-ish to the situation (3 years) but they started her in therapy for oppositional behaviors when she was in preschool. She saw that person until she died. I don't know what was involved in that.

Then her mom developed a drug problem and she started seeing another therapist (J) to help her deal with that and the subsequent divorce. I think J has tried to do some behavioral work with her. She hates going and will only agree to when things are really bad. But I'm afraid J takes her at her word a bit too much and SD is a really accomplished liar. She talks to J. J talks to my husband. My husband corrects the misinformation. SD insists it didn't help. Rinse and repeat.

We finally got her into a pediatric psych PA (I never know what to call the new level of caregivers. Not technically psychiatrists. but I am so glad someone is filling that shortage.) who first used the term BPD. It's only been 2 weeks (seems like a LOT longer).

[once removed]

I feel for her. I can't imagine how hard it was to go back with the feeling that everyone was saying she was crazy behind her back.

no kidding. and to go from the honor roll and AP classes to falling behind and seeing your grades tank... .it really threatens your sense of yourself, and reinforces feelings of being a failure.

did she leave girl scouts? does she still maintain friendships at all, and how are they?

my heart breaks for you and your husband. "exhausting full time job" doesnt seem adequate. in addition to running yourselves ragged, what an emotional toll it must take.

[StepMonster]

She did not leave the girl scouts. Grandma is the scout leader and I think that makes SD feel special in the troop.

Relationship with Grandma is kind of a sore spot. This is the ex's mom. She enabled the crap out of her BPD kid until she was almost 40 and then one day totally cut her off. Our ex wife is not doing well generally, but she has been sober for more than 3 years. When her current husband left town, leaving her with 3 months of unpaid rent and no way to get around, we were driving her to work occasionally and to other appointments outside the hours of the local bus service. When SD was inpatient we had to beg Grandma to help her own daughter out with a few rides. I worry that SD sees that and thinks we're going to cut her off suddenly like that. I worry that SD sees that and thinks it's okay to treat people like that.

I'm not judging people for deciding they have to cut ties with an adult BPD child. I totally get that it can come to that, but these people didn't try to create boundaries. They didn't try to get her into the right kinds of therapy when she was diagnosed (even though they totally have the resources). They refused to help my husband get help for her when she needed drug treatment (it takes 3 to commit). Then one day she called the cops on them and they were totally prepared to never speak to her again because they were embarrassed.

SD comes home from their house and complains about how we don't live in a nice neighborhood like Grandma. Our house isn't as nice as grandma's. We don't have nice cars like Grandma. Grandma bought both her girls nearly new cars when they turned 16. Grandma is head of this committee and active in that organization and we're nobody. (I had a good job and was very community and politically active before we got married, but I had to give those things up to take care of her. That one hurts a little extra).

But I'm still glad she's in scouts. If only for the occasional break!

Step Monster

[wendydarling]

Hi there StepMonster  , personally I think you are a very SpecialMonster  

As once says diagnosis can be an upward trajectory, it was for me and my daughter, diagnosed at 26 in crisis, she'd been suffering in silence, a quiet person with BPD, which makes me smile, she's pretty flamboyant, in a loving way. Today she offers hope to others post DBT/meds.

It sounds like you've given up your career, personal passions? Is that right?

WDx  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StepMonster]

My career wasn't a big loss. I made good money, but it was hard on me emotionally and physically.

As for my passions, I'm an artist. I'll be an artist if I have nothing to create with but earth and sticks, no one to listen to my stories but the air. That's probably why I'm doing better than my husband.

[once removed]

anything happened since the blowup? i hope youre feeling better today.