The aftermath after being blocked PART 3

[2020]

Hello Yellowpearl. I am sending you positive thoughts here today. I thought I'd never get though yesterday myself! About these BPD people in our lives, or temporarily out of our lives, then back in for a bit: I don't think they are like you and I. They appear to almost need to go missing or silent for a bit. I might be wrong or unscientific about this, but I do have 10 years of experience with my current friend, and a 16 year endurance test with my pervious (suspected BPD/bipolar?) partner.

In my frantic quest yesterday to find my partner (I thought I was going to die, or go insane), I spoke to an old landlord of hers nearby. He told me a story. He said that a good friend of his had met my partner many years ago when she lived in the house next door to the landlord. They hit it off and began a relationship. They moved to a major city together. The landlord told me that she was too much for his friend and he couldn't cope with being involved with her. I asked what happened. He said they would go out together and she would just disappear for the night. Sometimes she would walk out the door at home and not come back for days. After it all fell apart she returned to town and saw the landlord. She told him that he didn't really know what his friend was really like... .blah blah. The landlord said that he couldn't figure out what was so bad about his friend as he was a quiet gentle hippie type. She has been doing this for a long time... .

What I was trying to suggest is that maybe they do this because they have to. Remember, they are very different to us. We need to get inside their brains; their way of thinking. They are like emotional burn victims. Tiny little things to you and I mean they need to isolate. This doesn't make it easy for us! I am thinking all we can do about it is try to figure out the best way for us to cope with it. The instant reaction is to take this personally, but is that correct?

I don't know where my partner is. Granted, I did have a less than 10 word email from her yesterday where she said half of  all. I think Skip has good advice. Imagine if we could be in that headspace and feel comfortable within ourselves responding like that? This is a game of chess of sorts. We need to be patient, very patient! And no, I don't like chess!

Good luck!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Yellowpearl]

I see what you mean, once. I would rather lower pressure and come off confident, strong, chill. I can see how the lighter message would accomplish this.

In the other message, I was thinking "you say you wanna be alone I hear you and do respect that part" would validate him and make him feel understood. Or does it just draw attention to his space/wanting to be alone request too much. "hope you have a good start of the new year", so say none of that, to avoid sounding okay with it or too hopeful?

The only other thing with "we can certainly talk at another time" vs "you can come talk to me when you're ready is" the 2nd one puts it in his court and acknowledges its totally up to him, the first one, i wonder if he would expect me to overpursue or start worrying about me reaching out again.Though the first one is so confident... .

[Skip]

the 2nd one puts it in his court and acknowledges its totally up to him... .

So you block your ability to send another PM in a couple of weeks - do you want to do that?

The fist is ambiguous in the matter or who and what.

[2020]

I think the first one, "we can certainly talk at another time" doesn't commit to which of you will make contact first, so it puts you in a better position, yes? The other one suggests you are going to wait for him to contact you. Are you prepared to do that or certain that is how it will be? The first one is more vague. These BPD people take us by our word. They don't like us acting different to what we say. They see it as betrayal!  Try and feel comforatble within yourself with what has been suggested. Maybe see this as an experiment? What do you think?

Ha! I see another post has happened suggesting similar... .

[Yellowpearl]

Skip, good catch, I didn't even realize that if I say the 2nd one wouldn't really give me the option to reach out to him, in case I wanted to do that in a month or weeks later.

2020, thanks for your input and insight BPD mindset. I'd been feeling very lost and your post gave me some clear perspective. The lighter/shorter one Skip mentions, also allows him to respond nicely "thanks happy new year" which could give either of us an opening to talk later. You make such good points about how people with BPD, (don't seem to like us these days!), but may almost need to isolate and that alone time to sort their thoughts and it may not be anything we can understand. I am thinking his mind must be very chaotic right now, in your situation too, it must be a scary place to be, and if we keep poking, the more they want to run and flee. You are right, its better to be extra patient when they are looking around for to be on their own. I hope your situation improves as well, i'm glad you at least heard from her, maybe we are being tested, maybe its a game of chess, and we just need to be relaxed within ourselves and how we speak to them.

Once is right too. I appreciate all of your guy's insight. I'd rather have the option for both of us to reach out. the lighter one seems best, ill update you guys what happens.

[Purplex]

Hi yellowpearl, regardless of what option you choose I would like to suggest something in addition. This might be way too much, but maybe you could add a sentence that expresses your feelings and reminds him of good times you had together? Something along the line of “I really miss doing xyz with you” or “I just remembered that day when *positive thing* happened”. Without any implications or requests. I think he might feel very pressured by your need to talk asap and this might help to get back on a positive emotional level to create a stable basis for serious conversation at a later time. What do you think?

[Yellowpearl]

Hey Purplex, thanks for the suggestion, and I agree he probably feels very pressured. i'd been thinking sending something very light or a fond memory the other week but had gone with something else instead. That could be something I can send this time, maybe it would help build a base to talk more serious later indeed. I hope it wouldn't be too much if I add this:

Thanks for getting back! We can certainly talk at another time. I just remembered when we would send each other goofy gifs around this time last year and that made me smile. Happy new year

does that sound OK? or I wonder if it makes me too vulnerable? Or maybe just add "hope things get better" (but may add negative connotation to his negative thinking) not sure

[Yellowpearl]

or maybe this "I just remembered when we would send each other goofy gifs around this time last year and that made me smile." could be an opening for weeks later if i contact him myself

not sure, im between those two, the super short light one, or the one above with the memory added.

[Purplex]

Thanks for getting back! We can certainly talk at another time. I just remembered when we would send each other goofy gifs around this time last year and that made me smile. Happy new year

This sounds great to me! It hints towards how much you care about him, it's sincere but not too heavy on emotions and doesn't apply any pressure. I would leave out the 'hope things get better' part so that he doesn't feel obliged to react in a certain way. Of course it's still possible that he keeps standoffish or doesn't answer at all. So be prepared for that. But I bet that this is gonna make him smile as well!

[Purplex]

or maybe this "I just remembered when we would send each other goofy gifs around this time last year and that made me smile." could be an opening for weeks later if i contact him myself

not sure, im between those two, the super short light one, or the one above with the memory added.

I don't think it's neccessary to hold back. Yes, it makes you vulnerable to an extend, but one of you has to take the first step and he is most likely not the right candidate for that. And if you need an opening for another time I bet there are many other positive memories you can refer to

[Yellowpearl]

Purplex, I see your point, maybe since things are rather tense right now, the good memory would help mend the fences a little more so it wouldn't be so so up in the air or difficult in talking to each other another time.

I do like the idea of him a lot of smiling at the thought of something fun/light. I just need to prepare myself if I send this one, and he doesn't reply since it is a giving a little more!

I hope this is the right one! i'm just nervous to send. It can just be hard to be emotionally vulnerable when you are hurting!

[once removed]

In the other message, I was thinking "you say you wanna be alone I hear you and do respect that part" would validate him and make him feel understood.

if we arent careful, validation can be used in ways that another person might find condescending.

in this case, its redundant, where an effective "hey thats cool, we can talk later" does communicate you hear him and show that you respect it.

[Yellowpearl]

Good point, once. Yeah, it's redundant since just by responding i'm good with it is enough to show i respect it. What about adding the light fun memory as a last sentence? Like the one i thought of above.

[once removed]

im not sure it hurts anything, but i suspect youre hoping for a response.

i think the original message communicates youre not expecting a response.

[Yellowpearl]

Would  be nice to get a response, but was hoping it doesn't say I expect one, but improves the situation a bit, in mentioning a good moment.

I'm torn. The first one is safer, yet the second one could help send a positive vibe to him and disarm him too.

[2020]

I just think perhaps you ought to stick to the script. I'm pretty bad at this myself. I tear my insides apart with the sick feeling of being amputated from my partner's life. Hard as it is I think we need to change how we act. If we change one side of the equation, then the other side will counter balance. I just know what I have been doing for years, although my intentions might have been noble, it hasn't really worked. Why not just go with the short ambiguous message suggested and see what happens? You can always send another one with a fond memory at a later date. What do you think? Can you do that? Just be cool. I know it is not easy!

[Yellowpearl]

You're right though. There comes a point you just have to stick with it and try a new way. I'm so used to wanting to show my insides so he knows how i'm feeling too, and it hasn't always gotten me much results. Least this short, light one, leaves things open. Low pressure as possible may be the best approach. if we are chill, low key, maybe that will rub off on them too. I do really like Purplex's suggestion so much, but i'm feeling this situation being so tense, I don't want to make a mistake but will save that suggestion for another time reaching out! Be cool - something new for me, but ill go ahead, give it a shot, and hope for the best.

Ill just got with the light one. if he never replies i don't feel as bad, and  he wont feel he is pressured to reply right away either.

[2020]

Yes. If I sent a more revealing-my-heart one, and I didn't get a response, I'd be thinking I blew it. I just know with myself, I have made some huge mistakes with how I approached my current relationship and its issues. I didn't even know about this Borderline stuff until a few months ago. We cannot change them, or anyone for that matter. I get the impression many of us are 'fixers' here and rescuers. These people can be very volatile. I'm thinking it is like disarming a bomb. Don't move too quick or cut the wrong wire.

Frustrating as it is, we may need to act in ways which we are not used to to get a result we want further down the track. This is a bit of a side track... .Someone once said to me that if you have a good idea in the UK and tell people, they will say, "That's not a good idea. Who would want that?" (I was born in the UK!). In the US, if you tell people your idea, they will say, "Great idea!" even if it is not such a good idea. (Probably a bit stereotypical!) In Japan if you have a good idea, you tell people in such a way that they will be telling you what your good idea is!  

What I am trying to say is I think we need to be tactical. These BPD folk are very different people to us. They are emotionally tuned differently. Perhaps as 'fixers', that is why we are so attracted by them?

EDIT: Sorry! I was just thinking the bomb thing I wrote is the eggshells all over again. It's a long road we are all on.

[Yellowpearl]

Well I sent it, nothing so far, but it's only been 12 minutes (not that i'm keeping track or anything).

I feel content with it. Hopefully it does something or gets me somewhere. Just trying not to expect anything so soon. I also get the impression many of us are fixers too, since they are like wild horses that cannot be tamed so easily, that seems part of why the attraction is there. I know what you mean, 2020, we spend a great deal wanting to talk about issues that come up, address things with them, make them feel better, and trying to find the right words. Maybe the better approach with the borderline is really a mix between being gentle, patient and non reactive without expressing too much emotion while waiting for them to come out of their bad cycles and simmer down. What I struggle with is identifying a bad cycle. Sometimes it seems they will just go silent, out of the blue when the previous day, they were in an elevated, happy mood. I think we need to learn to adapt to the unpredictability and impulsiveness. I'm still learning how but I can clearly see startling them when their in their caves might release a fire breathing dragon or a harder silence.

I like your UK, Japan, US example. You have to express yourself in a specific way to get a certain result from the targeted audience. In this case BPD persons. We need to be tactical, I agree. If we poke at a sleeping bear, we get buried.

It's tough though, it took so much out of me to deal with this mess. What bothers me is he didn't reply multiple times in the month! I felt so mad at him as sad as I felt! I was feeling like this is outright neglect and it's really hard to fathom staying cool in such a situation when you wonder if someone is deliberately hurting you (silence does this). He knows he was MIA and said that in his message. I guess I don't get how they justify this sort of thing and how can we feel validated and understand their perspective without feeling so betrayed. I still do and hope for this message cooling the waters but i'm feeling quite like i'm walking around with a broken leg. Maybe, it really is thinking of them as emotional burn victims. Sometimes I get worried, is this a trauma bond or something and hes not even supposed to come back because now i'm getting "damaged'. This all can be so discouraging.

Yet I still hope for a response and resolving this. Maybe if I continue to change how I act, and control my end more diligently, it wouldn't hit me hard like this and can be a healthy relationship eventually. I just hope so.

[once removed]

we arent always so different.

a lot of pwBPD are fixers and highly sensitive people. a lot of us are, too.

both bring similar baggage, attachment styles, coping mechanisms, to the table. its in finding ours, and cleaning up our side of the street that we can direct the relationship into healthier territory.

[Yellowpearl]

That makes sense. It’s jaw dropping when you realize how much you may have contributed to conflict with a pwBPD. i think it takes a lot of self reflection and also understanding of the BPD, not taking things so personally and being able to say we can improve too. We may be at fault too .