i've been really ambivalent about getting back together with my uBPDbf at the end of September. i feel like he bullied me into it, to some extent. he no longer lives with me, and that's helped a lot. at first, we set up "dates" and were both very sweet to each other and the step back felt constructive and good.
but then shortly into it, any time things would flare up a bit, i noticed that i had a very short fuse. i've gone off on him about what was presently happening, but i would also get upset about past issues, even issues that i've never mentioned as problems in the past. while i've been somewhat glad to be starting to express my needs and feelings, they've come out in really messy ways. i'm not proud, and i don't like the chaos.
i feel like i'm constantly being triggered and i can no longer keep it together.
his constant neediness is making me numb. his constant worry about what so-&-so thinks about him, who unfollowed him on instagram, what *i* must have done to make so-&-so think that or unfollow him... .i just can't! it's constant emotional drama and i am so worn down.
physical space helps, but it feels like a band-aid. he bombards me with texts over the slightest change in the atmosphere and i have to assure him over and over that i love him and everything is ok.
that alone is making everything not ok. it's making me not want to hang out with him as much.
i crave peace and an end to chaotic feelings.
his parents came to town for Thanksgiving and he didn't invite me to join them. it hurt, but i knew that i would feel weird around them after all he and i have been through, so i didn't tell him it hurt to not be invited. i went to a friend's potluck instead, which was wonderful, but i was definitely a bit distracted with hurt and confusion with "why am i in a relationship that feels so strained? why am i in a relationship with someone who i actively try to avoid at times?" perhaps for this reason, i had a bit too much red wine and left the party earlier than most, walked home, and passed out by 11pm.
the day after Thanksgiving, uBPDbf was upset with me that he didn't hear from me enough on Thanksgiving and that i didn't reach out to him to meet up after dinner. text bombarded me with how disappointed he was that we didn't meet up, even though we had no plans to do so. i let him know that i was asleep by 11, and that i'm sorry he's feeling upset, but if he wanted to meet up we should have made plans to do that before Thanksgiving. that helped a bit.
his parents left town yesterday and he had me over for leftovers. i couldn't stay the night because i have a big deadline coming up fast and needed to get back to work. we had a nice dinner, but i could tell he was feeling a lot of emotional turmoil and neediness. and i know i'm not reacting great to this. it's making my defenses go up rather quickly... .it's a turn-off. and it makes me mad, i feel like he's trying to manipulate all of my time when he knows i have things to do that are important to me. as soon as i left his place, he started text bombarding me with all the "this isn't working" "you don't care"... .etc etc. and it just makes me so upset because now i'm at home trying to get my work done and i can't concentrate because the texts keep coming and i'm feeling like i let him down by refusing to put him first.
as i'm writing this he's text bombing me. i've shut my phone off, but i keep getting notifications on my computer (i thought i turned that
cloud off! ) i can't get my work done, but i'm also clearly making things worse with him! i tried to call him and calmly talk it out, but i very quickly got triggered and started getting really angry. i knew that was just bad news, so i got off the phone.
this part of Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality feels like what is happening right now:
at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event. However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up.
anyway. i feel really confused. i know i do love him. but i feel extreme ambivalence when i see him lately, i feel like i've been cold and distant. and i know he feels that very much. i feel like i'm making things worse by not having a clear sense of what i want or how to move forward. and i don't feel in any state to be the stronger one and enforce boundaries effectively- and lovingly.
