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Author Topic: how to keep my sense of myself while validating  (Read 378 times)
professorplum

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« on: November 16, 2018, 09:17:14 AM »

My wife has BPD, but does not accept the diagnosis.  

Yesterday, I was at work.  We had a family meeting about our daughter, which my wife was at in person and I called in over the phone.  By the end of the meeting, I could tell my wife was upset.  

I texted her right after the meeting and asked if she was ok and thanked her for going in person to represent us.  She wrote back that "none of it matters" and "it was a waste of time".  

I tried to put myself into her shoes and take a stab at why the meeting made her feel that way.  She said that wasn't how she felt.  So I apologized for presuming, and asked her to please tell me how she did feel, if she had time.  She texted back that "it doesn't matter".  i replied that I would still liike to know.  

By that time I was coming up on a lunch meeting at work with a busy afternoon ahead, and I didn't just want to go off line and disappear.  So I wrote to tell her I was going to leave for lunch soon and that I hoped her traffic was good.  (as a way to say that I was going to be offline for a while) I was busy the rest of the afternoon and was looking forward to talking to her to find out how she was feeling when I got home.  She never texted back.  

When I got home, she disappeared to her room, so I went to ask her about her feelings.  And instead she reamed me out for not being a friend, for not asking after her, for not writing to see if she was ok.  It seems that she was stewing about it all afternoon.  

So, I tried to put myself in her place and validate.  I said, "you were feeling in distress and alone and were wanting me to be a friend and follow up with you, and when I didn't do that it hurt." and "you were upset by the meeting and wanted me to check on you and to care that you were ok, and I didn't do that".   Then I said that that was understandable and that I would look for opportunities to check up on her that way in the future.  

But it wasn't enough.  She wanted me to see the situation totally the way she saw it.  And I didn't see it that way.  I felt that I _was_ concerned about her, that I had followed up with her right away, checked on her and asked how she was feeling three times, got essentially rebuffed three times, so decided to wait and talk to her about it later.  She kept pushing me to agree that I had acted horribly, that I wasn['t a friend, that I didn't care about her and certainly didn't act like I care about her.  

I thought the deal was that it was possible to validate someone's emotions and experiences and still not necessarily agree with them in every detail.  I have my own opinion and view on events.  How can I deal with her, make her feel heard and validated, and still hold on to what I feel and believe?  

I'm not willing to concede that I don't care about her.  And I think my actions bore that out.  I'm not going to argue with her about it. But do I actually have to say "yes, you're right, I don't care about you" to validate her feelings?  that seems to be what she is aiming for.  

thanks in advance for any help.  
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2018, 09:44:45 AM »

That's something I've been struggling with as well. I strongly believe my husband has BPD -- not diagnosed, but he has most of the signs and symptoms -- and I've just recently figured it out. So, I'm new to this. I've been working on validating, too. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. On the plus side, his raging outbursts have been reducing in frequency and intensity.

On the minus side, we really do see some things differently and it's very hard to validate without agreeing when I disagree with him. For instance, my response to an advisor who may not be the right person for us is to find someone new. His is to trash that person and bad-mouth them to everyone possible so they lose clients (which, by the way, is something he wants ME to do). I think that's excessive, especially if I don't think the person is incompetent, just not the best fit for us. If he confronts me on it, I try to hedge and say I understand why he's upset and say we should find someone new. He then calls me on careful wording and will ask a point-blank question. If/when I disagree, he rails about how I don't take his side and don't really support and care about him. Again.

I, too, would like to know how to do this better. I can't and won't flat-out lie. I won't support or play into behavior I think is harmful in multiple ways. But how do I not make him feel abandoned and unsupported?
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Harri
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« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2018, 12:06:37 PM »

Hello  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I'm not willing to concede that I don't care about her.  And I think my actions bore that out.  I'm not going to argue with her about it. But do I actually have to say "yes, you're right, I don't care about you" to validate her feelings?  that seems to be what she is aiming for.  
No, this would be validating the invalid.

When we talk about validating feelings we do not mean you validate the facts (which may often be untrue).  You would say something like "It is awful when you feel like you are not being paid attention to" or "I would hurt too if I felt that way".  Can you see the difference?

You're right that it is important to not lose touch with yourself, your feelings and thoughts and even your sense of reality.  Validating another person does not mean you invalidate yourself.  Sometimes there just isn't anything to validate and you are better off using SET though if a person is already dysregulated, there is often no talking with them and you are better off leaving them to settle themselves and self soothe.  

EDIT:  you might find this article helpful  Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

EDIT AGAIN!:  This has validation examples that are very helpful.  See what you think.  Validation examples
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AussieBrit

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« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2018, 12:32:08 PM »

Dear Professorplum,
One thing I have learned through counseling and experience is that empathy and validation are difficult skills to learn. Counselors, psychologists, psychotherapists and everything in between have to train and practice this skill their entire lives so it is important for us to not lose too much heart when we feel like we’ve not quite managed it.
I have often struggled with validating my partners opinion without invalidating myself and I have found that it is often a fine line.
Harri has offered a great insight and I agree that sometimes it does not matter how validating or empathetic you are and it is better to step away to allow your partner to self soothe. I also understand that stepping away to allow that feels impossible because you may feel responsible for your partner feeling the way they do or responsible for making them feel better.
I would ask you not to concede to how she portrays you in those moments. Do not loose sight of yourself. You are who you are and you’re a good and caring person. I have made the mistake of turning validation into enablement, again this I believe is a fine line. But often short term pain such as walking away and establishing that boundary will be more productive in the long term. I have found that establishing that leads to more productive conversations later.
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professorplum

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« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2018, 08:05:23 AM »

 
Excerpt
EDIT:  you might find this article helpful  Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

EDIT AGAIN!:  This has validation examples that are very helpful.  See what you think.  Validation examples

Harri, Thank you for the links, both very useful.  I guess the thing that I'm not doing is setting a boundary/stopping place for what she asks for.  To not validate the invalid. 
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Harri
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« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2018, 03:30:46 PM »

Glad they helped.  After you read them post some examples or ideas you have and we can all help you work on them and give opinions.  I always have opinions to share!     It is one thing to read it is another thing to apply as you said.
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