You try to help and every question you ask is met defensively

[mssalty]

Helplessness... .please help me.  (Which you do because the consequences of not helping are worse.)

You try to help by asking questions to troubleshoot the problem.  Person immediately assumes these questions, no matter how innocent  are an attack on them.  

You try to clarify that you were trying to help and they get angrier at you and say you’re asking stupid questions.  You say you’re coming into their problem cold and want to make sure you understand everything.  They keep talking and defending even while you’re not arguing.  Every question you ask is met defensively.  

End result is that you do what they ask with the best of intentions and they walk away mad at you because you didn’t simply walk in and say “voila”.  

And in their mind “you never want to help me” is reinforced.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you may have recently been frustrated by a situation like this.  Can you give us more detail on the specific situation? 

RC

[Chosen]

mssalty,

Have you tried validating before asking the questions?  I have been frustrated in similarly incidences as you, and I realised my problem was I didn't validate their needs before asking questions which are intended to "help".  Sometimes, I think pwBPDs are not voicing out so that their problems would be solved (I mean, if we could magically do that, it'll be good too, but then another problem will pop up which will frustrate the pwBPD, because ultimately it's not "issues" that lead to problems, it's their emotional response to the issues, whether real or perceived).  They are simply voicing out their frustrations in hopes of being validated, so they could talk themselves through solving the issues.

For myself, I sometimes get stuck in the "rescuer" mentality, and wish to be the one bringing solutions for my uBPDh's problems.  But it's not what he wants, and if I try to do so, it usually backfires.  In that case, the best thing to do is just to validate their frustration and let them solve their own problems.

[isilme]

There is no one-size-fits all way to address this.  You pretty much have to be willing to walk away and let them fail if they are in "you're the enemy" mode.

I try to help H.  He feels my offer of help implies I think he is stupid, wrong, doing something incorrectly - BECAUSE HE feels he is stupid, wrong, and unsure of how to do something.  But he can't accept his feelings come from an internal place, and he can't process them in an internal place, so he has to expel them onto me. 

So, I can try to use the tools to move past this and see if he can change his attitude.  Sometimes, he can.  Or, if he's fed up, if he will let me try (usually it's a tech issue that frustrates him most, with mechanical issues following a close second).  Sometimes, he will storm off, and I will attempt to fix the issue.  Sometimes he will demand I fix it, and then try to rant at me about how things "should" work, etc.  If possible, I try to ask him to leave the space where the work needs to be done so I can focus, and tell him I need time to look up solutions.

Or, I take the cue from his words and behavior and find another task to engage in, saying, "not sure how I can help, but I'm here, let me know if I can lend a hand, I'll be doing dishes/mowing lawn/going t store, back at certain time." 

I let him know I think he can handle it, but if it takes more than one set of hands I am there. 

I guess the thing is, if you get the feeling you're just about to be yelled at, why stick around?  It does you no good.  It does not solve the problem.  It does not help them learn to manage their emotions.  So step away.  It's okay in most instances if we let them fail at certain tasks.  Just to an assessment - what are the consequences of this person failing at this?  Long-term fallout?  Shorterm? 

We often "help" to prevent them from having a meltdown.  But, our "help" can often trigger the very emotions that cause a meltdown.  Ask if you are helping to help, or to prevent a meltdown later.