How to Respond to: 'I shouldn't have bothered you'

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'd appreciate some useful reminders/mantras when after spending hours listening, responding to a crisis, sharing advice or encouragement, my sister's response is almost always 'sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you'.

What I hear when she says this is that my effort was unwanted (though she sought me out) that it was unhelpful (I feel this way a lot) that she is unappreciative of my actions (also feel this way a lot) and that she didn't feel my love because now she's apologising after I've tried so hard to help.

What's going on in her head? It's such a common response, and it really frustrates me. What's a constructive way to respond? It also normally follows that she disengages after saying this. So I can't really tell how she is and times of acute mental health unrest, I'm now feel unappreciated and unable to do anything else because she's begun to 'unbother' me aka pull away.

Any advice or similar experiences?

[SistaSista]

I'd appreciate some useful reminders/mantras when after spending hours listening, responding to a crisis, sharing advice or encouragement, my sister's response is almost always 'sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you'.

What I hear when she says this is that my effort was unwanted (though she sought me out) that it was unhelpful (I feel this way a lot) that she is unappreciative of my actions (also feel this way a lot) and that she didn't feel my love because now she's apologising after I've tried so hard to help.

What's going on in her head? It's such a common response, and it really frustrates me. What's a constructive way to respond? It also normally follows that she disengages after saying this. So I can't really tell how she is and times of acute mental health unrest, I'm now feel unappreciated and unable to do anything else because she's begun to 'unbother' me aka pull away.

Any advice or similar experiences?

[HappyChappy]

There is a book called “I hate you , don’t leave me.” which illustrates what your sister may be doing. Basically its call  push-pull. They pull you in, and then as a negotiation tactic they push you away. The term "treat them mean and keep the keen" comes to mind. It’s a very effective way of getting us to do what they want us to do. Your post illustrates how it works in a way. The fact your sister has intimated you have not helped means you are on here working harder for her. The solution is for you to re-frame all this, and see it for what it is.

Someone with BPD will feel entitled to your time and help, but will struggle to show appreciation in the way we know it. For example, I did most of the helping my parents out , but my BPD mom would credit it to her golden child.  Even though he wasn’t even living in the same country, my BPD proudly tells me he cut the hedges. Its bizzar once you can see it for what it is. Its just how BPD are. If you want appreciation, help someone that is capable of giving appreciation , such as the good folk on this forum. I appreciate that is not what you want to hear, but very few people with BPD have managed to change their underlying behaviour. The good news is we can change. Talking Therapies or CBT can help with that. Have you looked into anything like that ? I have to say, I was always bowled over by how appreciative my friends were of help, I now realise thats normal, my BPD wasn't normal. Peace be with you.

[Harri]

Hello SistaSista!  Glad you found us and decided to post.

I agree with HappyC that your sister is possibly displaying push//pull behavior when she says that.  In pwBPD, their reactions are mostly under the surface, sort of a knee jerk response.  Her reaching out is an attempt not just for help and support but to get close to you.  somewhere along the line, something threatens her and she may feel too vulnerable and will then push away.  She might feel guilty for taking up your time or just not be able to handle the closeness or anything else.

The thing to remember is that her action and reaction has very little to do with you.  If you can approach these conversations with that in mind, it will help as you do not personalize it when she pushes you away.  It is not fear of you but fear of her own internal reactions and emotions that cause her to push you away.

Does that make sense?

[SistaSista]

Thank you to both of you! These are both helpful and supportive responses.

To hear that this push/pull response is about her feelings of vulnerability and unhealthy mental processes is good to remember. I am especially prone to take on responsibility that is beyond my abilities because she has displayed suicidal tendencies and when she is in more chaotic times of mental distress I microanalyse my own responses as if I can somehow mitigate her mental deterioration. But it's not my battle to fight, I can only support her.

I'm excited to join this supportive group!

[Harri]

Glad to have you here as well.  A lot of the behaviors people with BPD display can hurt and be confusing and often are not planned and deliberate no matter how they may seem on the surface.  I am not saying that for all people, just most (IMO).  Other factors can influence the behaviors and the question of intent as well.  

Regarding intent, the only reason I mention that is to help decide what is motivating the behavior and how deliberate it is.  Knowing that can change how you respond and what actions you choose to take regarding boundaries.  BPD occurs on a continuum and there will be obvious outliers.  Sometimes NPD is co-morbid with BPD and that can change the whole dynamic.  NPD behaviors tend to be more thought out and more deliberate.

Anyway, poke around, read, jump into threads, ask questions... .get comfortable.  

[batcon]

SistaSista thank you for asking this question-
knowing that this particular encounter is one others have with BPD family, as well as the responses about push/pull have both been instantaneously enlightening. "like: oh- yes this, this is what's happening."
and thanks all for answering.
 

[Harri]

 batcon, hi and welcome back!

Knowing what causes the behaviors helps to depersonalize them and that makes it easier to not react and instead choose our response.  It is a relief isn't it?