The urge to let the emotions out

[JNChell]

Hi everyone, and Happy Turkey Day! I hope that everyone reading is counting their blessings and recognizing reasons to be thankful.

I had to see S3’s mom last night for the first time in close to a year. It was dramatic, but not between his mother and I. It was his reaction during and after the exchange. He completely freaked out and had a meltdown. He screamed at me that he was going to shoot me with a gun. I recorded the majority of it on voice memo.

I have to be strong in front of him. Especially when the meltdowns happen. I have to be strong at work and my reactivity has gotten me in some tight places. I’m learning tools in real time and it’s been hard. A lot of these tools require harnessing our emotions and taking them somewhere else while utilizing other tools to keep those emotions harnessed in the meantime.

This is where I’m struggling. At the most inopertune times I just want to break down and cry. I want to let it out. I have a need to expose of some things through simply crying.

My psychologist is great, but she backs off when I start to get emotional. I don’t know if she’s afraid that I’ll act out, which I won’t, I’m all in with my therapy, or that I see her at the end of her work day and she is clearly exhausted from talking with clients all day and trying to process one to the other. I understand.

One thing that I wish that she would allow me is to cry through my emotions. Maybe I should tell her this. I guess that I’m seeking a bit of advice here. I should follow what my T tells me, but is it ok to take some lead for myself? Is it ok to tell her to not back off when the tears start to well?

[Panda39]

Hi JNChell,

I don't think there is anything wrong with crying... .having that emotional release can be a good thing.

Do I think crying in front of your son who is having a meltdown is a good idea?... .probably not.  I think in that moment you need to be there for him.  But do I think it's okay to take some private time after your son is calmed down and let it out.

The year I left my marriage... .my year of breakdowns and breakthroughs, I cried for a year, in the shower, in the car, at work, in my room at night, while out on walks... .anywhere except in front of my son.  For him I needed to have it together, to create a secure environment during a year of great change. I got what I needed and so did he.

I also found that as I had revelations and there were many that I also cried... .the crying actually signaled to me that I had made a discovery, that I had hit upon something important.

You might talk to your Therapist about how you feel about crying or not crying in front of her.

Panda39

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.  I am sorry you are struggling but not that you are feeling and releasing some of the pain.  For that I am very happy for you.   

I would definitely say something to your T.  You are not meant to be taking care of her in your sessions ya know.  Be direct with her and let her know what you want.  She may have a reason that makes sense for backing away... .and it better not be because she is tired!

[JNChell]

Hey, Panda39. I’m glad that you showed up here. The past few days have been an eye opener on just how complex the situation is. I held it together in front of our Son. His mom didn’t and it made things worse.

We exchanged him at a gas station and he clearly wanted to stay with his mom. He was crying and went into toddler meltdown mode. When I was trying to talk him down and get him into his car seat, his mom positioned herself (in her vehicle) where he could see her. She was crying dramatically. S3 escalated quickly. I motioned for her to just leave. Thankfully she did without confrontation. S3 was so upset. He was hyperventilating and gagging. I felt so bad for him. He was so upset. I can’t imagine how he was feeling inside. He was raging. He was dysregulated and that scares me.

Do I think crying in front of your son who is having a meltdown is a good idea?... .probably not.

You’re right, and I never do this. I’m thinking now that his mom does. From what I’ve been able to gather, his mom has a lot on her plate and is stressed to the gills. What she is doing is noble, but it’s too much for a single parent to take on. I worry about S3 being in the mix of it all.

The year I left my marriage... .my year of breakdowns and breakthroughs, I cried for a year, in the shower, in the car, at work, in my room at night, while out on walks... .anywhere except in front of my son

I’m sorry for this, and I understand what you’re saying. I’ve read about your background. You’re a resilient panda that takes no  ! You did well in not crying in front of your Son. I believe that showing emotions (in context) in front of children can open the gateway to codependency or worse outcomes. We need to protect our children from the beef that is between mom and dad. In saying that, I wonder how many kids are made to be a part of a drama triangle so early in life. My guess is many. The drama triangle becomes a way of life for them while they’re developing. Where is society headed?

the crying actually signaled to me that I had made a discovery, that I had hit upon something important.

I’m glad that you pointed this out to me. It is a signal. It’s very significant and it’s an indicator to where we are emotionally. Crying is normal in given situations, but it’s a  when it’s frequent. It’s a sign of worry, sadness and having no control. I’m worried that my son is feeling this way. I understand that he’s young, but I also understand that he is at a very vulnerable state. His mom had a meltdown while he was melting down. She tried to show it to him. Maybe in her mind she was loving him by showing him the same emotions that he was trying to process. Projection.

Yeah, I need to tell my T to let me cry. I guess that I need to take her out of her comfort level.

[JNChell]

Hey, Harri: Thanks for chiming in on my nonsensical journey.

Thank you for being pragmatic and straight forward. I’m the same way, but you have better word-smithing skills than I do. You’re a better communicator than I am.

[Panda39]

I assume your son bounced back after some time with you.

I'm concerned about parental alienation.  Your son's reaction to seeing you was over the top and your son's mom was reinforcing his behavior with her own during the exchange.

Panda39

[JNChell]

Yes. He bounced back once we got home. He was smiles and sweetness. I’m not bashing his mom. He loves her and she loves him, but where is this going for him? Does that make sense? Parenting shouldn’t be a competition. I can’t grasp that at all. In fact, I reject it.

I’ll be sending our Son a birthday card in the mail explaining to him that his presents will be here when he can come back. I hope his mother reads it to him. He’ll be 4.

[Sirnut]

Hi JNChell,

Coming back to your original question, I do think it can help to let the emotions out - your instincts seem right about that. It’s far better than keeping it in. The thing is, you need a safe environment to do it where you’re not hurting or manipulating anyone else, just expressing what you’re feeling so that you can get it out and make progress in healing.

For me, when my relationship breakup first hit me, I had a strange sense that it left a certain number of tears inside me, and that sooner or later I would have to cry them out. I’m sure there’s no scientific basis for that, but that’s how it seemed at the time and that’s largely how it’s worked out. I think I still have a few tears left deep inside and it will take time, but I think I’ve cried out most of them now. I needed to do that with people I could trust.

Please understand that this is something I could only write anonymously. I am a middle aged man and I’ve always been known as someone who is emotionally robust and certainly not a crier, at least before this life event happened to me around a year ago.

Crying isn’t the objective in this, but it can be a byproduct of being emotionally honest. The way I approached it with my counsellor and with a couple of trusted friends was just to say, I’d like to tell you about what’s happened, I’m not embarrassed if I cry in front of you and I don’t want you to be embarrassed either.

In all cases that worked, and it has helped me enormously.

[JNChell]

Hey, Sirnut. I’m happy to talk with you again! As always, you make great points that make me think.

It’s far better than keeping it in.

You’re right. Sometimes the problem is when this stuff wants to come out. Most times it’s not in the comfort of my home. I’m safe there. Most of the time it’s when I’m “out”. Environments where I have to stuff it. I welcome and invite a snotty and tearful mess inside my home. I wish it would happen, but it’s yet to come. I think I’m starting to understand why. Stillstruggling has started some really good conversations about this.

I needed to do that with people I could trust.

I’m very happy to hear that you have a good support group. What a blessing. What you stated here is wise and I’m glad that you brought it to the board. It’s an important aspect to healing and growth. My T is very adamant about me having a support system. I’m working on that.

Crying isn’t the objective in this, but it can be a byproduct of being emotionally honest. The way I approached it with my counsellor and with a couple of trusted friends was just to say, I’d like to tell you about what’s happened, I’m not embarrassed if I cry in front of you and I don’t want you to be embarrassed either.

Being emotionally honest is my favorite part of this paragraph. I’m going to keep that statement with me, if you don’t mind.  You’ve shown a great amount of courage and self respect in these actions. I’m glad that you found some safe shelter with the folks that you described.

Thank you, Sirnut.