This is not an easy time, any advice?

[Coastered]

So I get to move my story down one forum, it seems like I need to detach and move on without her.  I lost her and I do not know how to cope.

Well I obviously failed my BPD partner as she has upped and left, engaging in an extensive smear campaign including my friends and family which makes her out to be the innocent victim in all of this and me as the abuser (story of the relationship, nothing was her fault).  Multiple mutual friends of ours have removed me from FB so I guess her story, to my silence, has won the day.  I have had a few threads on here when we were together but either my own inadequacies or my own frustrations just ended up pushing her away.
She had left me around ten times in all; I never left her, but I always came back.  This time seems, and is, different this time though.  She has blocked me everywhere and does not make an effort to contact me.  I do miss her but I feel that she has removed all feelings from me and with the smear campaign made it impossible for her to backtrack anyway.  In case you have not read my previous posts, she left me last month for my inability to drive (I just failed my test), she picked up all her stuff, sent me some horrendous texts and then blocked me everywhere.

The next day I thought, rather stupidly, sod it!  I activated an online dating profile and her friend saw it and told her, then I got a stream of texts calling me unfaithful and the same as the rest of her previous partners and posted a lot of lies about me on social media, the break up then became about the profile and not the reason she gave to me a day before when she had already packed up her things and left.  Of course on social media this looked so much better for her but I get the nagging doubt she had intended to return for the eleventh time and now she felt abandoned as I sought out companionship after she left me again.  Ohhh, the mind of a Borderline!   Yes I know it was not wise to activate a profile (even if just for me)  but I wasn’t thinking straight.




Fast forward now and all ties have been severed and she has not made any effort or had any desire to contact me.  The switch has gone straight to the off position for her.  I have not made any contact with her, besides I am blocked anyway however my feelings are still in the now and I have been left dazed, hurt, confused and really do not know what the relationship ever was.  It was violent, turbulent, and abusive yet there were times which really made me feel so special and they are the thoughts that I just cannot get out of my head.  I do love her and am quite happy to see her as a friend but she wants absolutely nothing to do with me and I am having a very difficult time accepting that.

I also believe she was seeing someone else thought-out our time together anyway, although I have no proof, she would deliberately cause arguments so she could leave my house and go to her home.  I was baffled how someone could storm out of the house and drive back to their place and not talk for a few days over the slightest thing.  It seemed like an excuse to go somewhere and remain silent.
I have invested so much heart and soul into this partnership and to be discarded without so much of an adult conversation is leaving me in limbo.  I have accepted that the relationship is over but I still think about her, still want to help her and still wonder what she is doing.
Has anyone got any tips on how they detached?  It’s been around two weeks with no face to face contact and I feel I am starting to lose my mind.

[mama-wolf]

Coastered, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'm not familiar with the background of your story yet, but wanted to be sure and respond to let you know you're not alone!

Well I obviously failed my BPD partner as she has upped and left, engaging in an extensive smear campaign including my friends and family which makes her out to be the innocent victim in all of this and me as the abuser (story of the relationship, nothing was her fault).  

Multiple mutual friends of ours have removed me from FB so I guess her story, to my silence, has won the day.  I have had a few threads on here when we were together but either my own inadequacies or my own frustrations just ended up pushing her away.

It sounds like you're beating yourself up an awful lot over this relationship.  Would a friend of yours put it this way to you?  Based on the description you have given, it's clear you have made a lot of effort to make it work.  Believe me, I was there.  I drove myself into the ground trying to make my marriage work with my uBPDxw.  In the end it wasn't enough, and I have spent (continue to spend) a lot of time grappling with that internally, even though I was the one who ultimately chose to end the marriage. 

What my T and many other wonderful individuals here continue to encourage me to do is to show myself a little compassion... .and I'm going to say the same to you.  This is not your failure, this is a failure of the relationship and that is not a reflection of who you are or of your worth.

The smear campaign is especially hard to deal with.  I posted a thread of my own about that on this board.  It's so frustrating to have who-knows-what being said about you and potentially believed by people who can't or won't give you a chance to explain your side of the story.  But that just gets into the same JADEing that inflames arguments with the pwBPD anyway.  I will again share the wisdom others have shared with me here:  Anyone out there who knows you but will summarily change their opinion of you based only on her word is not likely someone you need in your life.  This is also very recent and a very painful time, and once the dust settles some folks will understand that.  Doesn't really make it easier to go through, but it can help.

She had left me around ten times in all; I never left her, but I always came back.  This time seems, and is, different this time though.  She has blocked me everywhere and does not make an effort to contact me.  

I do miss her but I feel that she has removed all feelings from me and with the smear campaign made it impossible for her to backtrack anyway.

my feelings are still in the now and I have been left dazed, hurt, confused and really do not know what the relationship ever was.  It was violent, turbulent, and abusive

yet there were times which really made me feel so special and they are the thoughts that I just cannot get out of my head.  I do love her and am quite happy to see her as a friend but she wants absolutely nothing to do with me and I am having a very difficult time accepting that.

It's really hard to remind ourselves of the truth of how bad things have been and will likely continue to be when we have those happy memories to hold onto.  It can be a very important exercise to stop and look at why we continue patterns that create so much pain.  Do you see a therapist?  Not only could that help you deal with what you're going through right now, but it could help you explore the impact the relationship has had on you overall, as well as other elements of your background that have an influence on your choices that you might not be aware of.  I'm certainly finding this is true for me!

Continuing as friends might one day be a possibility, but it sounds like you both have to process the change in your relationship first.  I would think it's extremely rare for anyone to be able to immediately switch tracks from romantic relationship to friendship without some period of adjustment.  And you may find in that period of adjustment that you are better off with no contact at all.  That's for you to decide in your own time.

 I have accepted that the relationship is over but I still think about her, still want to help her and still wonder what she is doing.
Has anyone got any tips on how they detached?  It’s been around two weeks with no face to face contact and I feel I am starting to lose my mind.

Of course you still think about her.  You are going through grief over loss and abandonment just as most of us here are or have been.  You may have accepted that the relationship is over conceptually, but there is a whole emotional process of grief that you're working through as well.

I have been reading a book which has been highly recommended here and I really think you might find helpful.  It is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.  It breaks down so much of what you're thinking and feeling right now and helps to put a lot of the emotional--even physical--turmoil into words that really help you understand what's happening.  It also has exercises to help you heal as you are dealing with the effects of these phases.

Please do keep us posted.  Sometimes it just helps to get it all out so it's not bottled up inside.  We're here to listen!

mw

[Conflictedlover]

Hi,
     I am sorry you are going through all of this. I am going through something very similar only my relationship has become so abusive I have to leave the person I love. It seems like you are blaming a lot of things on yourself. I want you to know that none of this is your fault and that you did the best you could. Sometimes even if you give someone with BPD the whole world they still don't see it as enough and that isn't your fault. I know it can be really hard to detach from someone that you feel so much love for, like I said I am going through the same thing. However, we need to do what is best for us too. You said that you acknowledge the abuse but that there were good times too. And honestly I think the fact that there were good times is one of hardest things to deal with. I picture in my head all the time memories of my s/o and I laughing the day away not a care in the world. And sometimes that almost lets me forget the bad. But it's still there. Looming over me like a dark cloud.
You didn't fail your BPD partner. You did what you could to make her happy. And your real friends and family will realize that you would not be capable of some of the things said in her smear campaign.  
I know it is really hard but with time the pain will get better (I know super cliche). There are also some really good articles on this sight about picking yourself up after a failed relationship and understanding what was really happening.
I just want you to know that it wasn't your fault and that we are here for you. It's going to be okay.

[Mutt]

Hi Coastered,

      She has blocked me everywhere and does not make an effort to contact me.  I do miss her but I feel that she has removed all feelings from me and with the smear campaign made it impossible for her to backtrack anyway.

Sometimes friends and family members are baffled at how their pwBPD will burn bridges with their former partner and then go back to them weeks or months down the road as if nothing happened.

I was baffled how someone could storm out of the house and drive back to their place and not talk for a few days over the slightest thing

If you are baffled by how she acts couldn't the same be said about family member and friends? I'm just saying never say never.

[Coastered]

Thanks everyone.

I got a massive setback  today, I was made redundant and everything just got on top of me.  I slept a lot and just kept on dreaming about her, I would then wake up and feel devastated.

I then emailed her about her last bits she has here including her engagement ring and asked her to pick it up.  I told her I loved her and always will.  

She won't reply and now I feel guilty, disgusting and have just gone back to day one.  I feel totally worthless.

[mama-wolf]

I got a massive setback  today, I was made redundant and everything just got on top of me.  

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult day.  Can you tell us more about the setback?  What do you mean by being made redundant?

I then emailed her about her last bits she has here including her engagement ring and asked her to pick it up.

I'm sure it was really hard to email her about this--especially the engagement ring.  Do you have a plan for what you will do with these things if she does not respond?  Are you able to get them to a family member of hers?

She won't reply and now I feel guilty, disgusting and have just gone back to day one.  I feel totally worthless.

I really cannot recommend the book I mentioned before strongly enough.  I think you might find it a massive help.  Here is a link to more information about it... .

mw

[Coastered]

Being redundant means you have lost your job through no fault of your own.  They just haven't got a job for you anymore.

Thankyou.  I brought the book yesterday.  I have it in my house.

As for her things.  I have no plan.  She just ignored that point previously and no doubt will do again.

Thanks again

[mama-wolf]

Being redundant means you have lost your job through no fault of your own.  They just haven't got a job for you anymore.

Ah--OK... .this was what I thought you meant, but I wasn't sure if you had immediately lost your job or whether you were given notice of upcoming severance.  Either way, I know it's extremely hard news to receive... .especially so given your current circumstances.

Thankyou.  I brought the book yesterday.  I have it in my house.

I'm really glad!  It has given me some great perspective and even basic vocabulary to articulate some of what I have been feeling and going through.

mw

[once removed]

im sorry youre having a hard time Coastered. they say sometimes when it rains, it pours. did i read correctly that you lost your job? that is a big, added blow.

bad dreams can be common during grief, i had them myself, and i know how rough they can be, how they can hang around all day. they do pass, eventually, and things do get better.

[Coastered]

I am still feeling so empty.  I feel like emailing her and letting her know how I feel, what she obviously means to me and that I love her but I fear it will fall on dead ears.

I miss talking to her, I miss her being around and it does indeed hurt that she feels very little if anything in return.  I know she's been liking 'victim mentality' posts from mutual friends which is upsetting.

The question is, should I just take a cold bath and not contact her?  My thought process is, if I let it all out on the line, my feelings, something may switch.

[once removed]

My thought process is, if I let it all out on the line, my feelings, something may switch.

do you mean in a good way?

if shes smearing you, now may not be the best time.

i had pretty strong urges to contact my ex after we broke up. what helped was the people around me reminding me that i could contact her any time i wanted, but that now may not be the best time, better to sleep on it.

what do you think?

[mama-wolf]

I am still feeling so empty.  I feel like emailing her and letting her know how I feel, what she obviously means to me and that I love her but I fear it will fall on dead ears.

It can be a therapeutic exercise to write it all out, even if you never send it to her.  As once removed indicated, now might not be the right time to communicate these things to her.  BUT it can help you put words to some of the feelings swirling around inside, and--maybe more importantly--can serve as an outlet to relieve some of the pent up emotional pressure you are carrying.

Harley Quinn started a thread for this exact purpose... .you can get to it here.  Maybe start there and get some feedback from the community while you're at it?

My thought process is, if I let it all out on the line, my feelings, something may switch.

This gets to the question of what your ultimate goal is.  Are you hoping to get her back with this message?  Hoping you will at least get her to respond to you and/or stop posting the things she is posting?  It might be a good idea to focus more on yourself for a bit... .understanding and expressing your feelings in a safe place like this community, practicing some regular self-care for a while, and then maybe see if you still want to reach out.  Detaching is really hard.  I struggle with it myself in other ways.  You're going to make it through this... .

mw

[Coastered]

A little bit of an update.  Last night one of her friends contacted me and told me that 'she' was seeing a deeply troubled individual who has major depressive issues.  He's not a looker at all and 'he's' punching well above his weight (her words).

Not sure what to make of that, so she has dived into a relationship after telling me she would not date again and with someone (on paper) that is apparently not a catch.  Her friend said she always thought she was lucky to have me.  (define luck).

I know some people get upset when their ex finds this perfect match who is drop dead gorgeous but I am a little bit put off with being replaced by someone so apparently poor?

I was also told to fight for her by her friend.  Kinda hard when you are blocked everywhere and her perception of me is skewed and incorrect.  Not entirelly sure I want to go through the madness again even though I still (and probably) always will love her.

[Cromwell]

Hi Coastered

its just a driving licence that has caused her to leave for a 'new' guy (btw: does he drive?). Maybe win her love back by letting her know when you finally pass?

[Coastered]

I passed two months ago now.  Pretty sure she is aware.  No contact for whatsoever for just over two months

[Coastered]

Besides if it was not the driving licence it would have been something else.

[Cromwell]

Besides if it was not the driving licence it would have been something else.

Hi Coastered,

You set up an online profile with a view to start dating after the break up where she blocked you from social media.

At that point in time, you were/still are single and free and id advise that if a new relationship is what you want, to go ahead and live your life without feeling obliged to pander to her needs.

The suspicion I have here is that she is content trying to get along with someone new but doesnt like to think you could do the same. Many people on here have experienced a break up, gone through a few months of confusion and hurt of the replacement, then only to find just as they start to move life in a new direction, the ex comes back with renewed interest, either to triangulate or because the new person "favourite person" novelty starts to unfold from the seams. And yep, they were also blocked, painted black and all the rest thinking theyd never hear again. In your case youve had a bit of a smear campaign and I dont know how make or break that is for you to not ever think about reconciling, but in my case, my ex also did a lot of damage and when she got back in contact for a recycle, she behaved as if nothing had ever happened wrong between us. From my side, I also felt I loved her and missed her, but ultimately, it temporarily took away this emotional confusion and hurt by going back each time.

According to Schreiber, the choice of partner being a shock is not uncommon, it is an indicator of having found a more easier target to control than the partner that has been discarded. It sounds like you have had strong feelings for her, but at the same time you dont come across here as a walk-over. Could this tie in with the friends opinion that she was "lucky" to have you?

[Coastered]

That was an absolutely brilliant post.  Thank you.  It resonates so strongly with me and had summed up everything I thought I knew.

Thank you.