Approaching the crossroads

[Ozzie101]

Up until now I've posted solely on the Bettering a Relationship board. But a part of me feels like I'm moving into new territory.

My uBPDh and I have been married 2 years. It's in the last 5-6 months that things have taken a turn. Looking back, I can see signs of trouble (moodiness, overboard emotional responses to some things, etc.) but for the most part things were great.

We're at a point now where he's dysregulating on what feels like a daily basis. Either he's lashing out in anger or pouting and being depressed. His behaviors are very childish. He lies. He changes his views and opinions on a dime. I'll make suggestions for dinner or send him a link to recipe sites. He doesn't look at them or give much input other than "Oh, I don't know. Whatever is fine." Then, I choose. He complains. "This isn't good (even if he's loved it before). I don't know why we're having this." Well, I gave him ample opportunities to say what he wanted or come up with another plan. Or he'll blow up at me hours later for not ordering an appetizer at dinner. "Why didn't you say you wanted one? That would have been great." Yet it's my fault for not just knowing.

A lot of his anger centers on my family. The thing is, I understand why he feels the way he does. Certain things they have or haven't done can come across the way he's interpreting them. But, I know them well and I know that's not what was meant. He won't hear it, though, and keeps bringing up every perceived slight.

As far as I'm concerned, he believes I "always" side with my family. He never gets to win. I never support him. None of that is true. I've called people out on things when they've handled something poorly. I've gone to bat for him with them. But, yes, there are some things I won't do. When my father (doctor) and my brother-in-law (also doctor) both refused to call in a prescription for my husband (a psychiatric drug way outside their specialties and neither one is his doctor), he went ballistic. They offered other advice, like to call his PCP but he took it as them refusing to help. In this case, it was unethical, potentially dangerous and possibly illegal. But to him "you do that for family." I disagree. He'll hold it over them for all time.

If I don't cut people off or verbally rip people to shreds for things that upset him, then I'm not supporting him.

He also criticizes my relationship with my 8-year-old stepson -- something I work on and that I think is actually very good. It's not where he wants it to be, though he can't tell me what that is. And that's my fault.

His rages have gotten better but for a while there, he would throw and break things, yell, bang on furniture or walls, tell me he felt like hitting me (he's never done it).

He's threatened me with divorce many times. The few times I've reached my limit and said "Fine," he's backpedalled so fast my head spun. Suddenly he turns tearful and clingy.

Each day, I don't know which husband I'll come home to. The fun, loving normal one or the one who berates me for any tiny misstep.

Result? I'm exhausted. I've got a consultation appointment with a therapist tomorrow morning, hoping having an impartial, trained person to talk to will help center me. But for quite a while now, I've been feeling myself pulling away. I rarely feel sexually attracted to him now. When he complains, I point out that it's hard for me to feel sexy or attractive (never told him I'm not attracted TO him) when he's acting like he can barely stand to look at me. We do have sex but not as often as we used to.

Last month, he and SS went on a long weekend trip. I should have missed them but it was, honestly, a relief. I got to be alone without any worries of other peoples' moods and emotional states. I could choose what I wanted for dinner without second-, triple- and quadruple-guessing myself for fear it would trigger an episode. It was heaven. I'm counting down to his next solo trip.

It shouldn't be this way. I vowed to love and support him for better or worse. I feel like a horrible wife and horrible person. Yet the ranting, the outbursts, the insults, the condescension, the unfair accusations against me and people I love, all of it, I feel myself shutting down and emotionally stepping away, mentally preparing to be on my own again.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone been there? Does that mean I'm already "gone" or is there still hope?

[formflier]

Result? I'm exhausted. 
Can anyone relate? Has anyone been there? Does that mean I'm already "gone" or is there still hope?

!

To the conflicted board. 

From reading your story I think we can have a positive influence on you and help get YOU to a place where you are not so exhausted anymore. 

I totally get what you mean about loving the peace... when you get alone time.  Been there... done that... look forward to that again.

Am I correct from reading your story that it's been getting worse.  There was a comment about weekly dysregulations... .I got the vibe they didn't use to be as bad.

I'm really glad for you that you are going to see a T.  I have a psychologist I see weekly and have done so for a long time now.  Really helps get perspective.

Big picture:  The more you can focus on you and being healthy... .and let him be childish or be an adult, the better off you will be.  Let him do his thing and you do yours.

Once he realizes that childish tantrums don't get him what he wants... .they will most likely die down some.  (that was a very simple statement about a very complex problem... .expect to find lots of nuance here regarding "what he wants")

So... last thing for now.  What do you think has led to things being worse (assuming I got the right vibe)... .in the last little while here.

Best to you... .

FF

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, formflier!

For the first year and a half, our marriage was fine. He would occasionally get kind of worked up about something, but it flamed out quickly.

There have been a lot of stressful events in the last several months:
1) I had a (non-life-threatening) health issue that required several procedures.
2) I had a serious car accident (I walked away without a scratch but it could easily have gone the other way).
3) He was adopted as a newborn and recently found his biological family. They're wonderful and he's developing a great relationship with them, but it is still stressful.
4) An anti-psychotic his psychiatrist put him on caused weight gain and that's a HUGE trigger for him.

Plus general work stress.

He talks about stress a lot and accuses me of adding to it -- and his favorite phrase is "Not helping!". I do try to help, and I point that out to him. But I'm limited in what I can do. I do my best. But for him, if it's not what he wants or thinks he needs, then it's worthless. And whether it's me or someone else, we're "useless" or "a loser."

And he threatens to cut people off for the smallest things. His ex-wife was slow to respond to something regarding their son. His reaction? I'm going to call my lawyer and get full custody. And I'm going to tell S what a fat, horrible loser his mother is and how awful her parents are. So, seemed ready and willing to completely mess with an 8-year-old's mind just because she wasn't acting fast enough to please him. Or threatening to completely write off a friendship of 25 years over -- again -- a slow response.

Before, dysregulations were mild and might happen once every other week, if that. I didn't even think anything was really wrong. Just chalked it up to mood. Now, it's almost daily. And the violent way he lashes out and the things he says, I know it's not "normal."

[formflier]

   I do try to help, and I point that out to him.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

OK... .here comes "judgmental" formflier.  I'm an ESTJ... .so it kinda just pops out.

You didn't get "here" to this bad place in your marriage with one thing and it will take a series of steps to get to a better place. 

You likely "got here" by trying to help and thought you were being "helpful" by pointing out to him... .how helpful you were.  Seems reasonable. 

However... .did he "feel" like you were helping?  (big pause... don't argue... just think for a bit)... .  nope... .back up... .stay with it.   Don't argue or say he should have felt something else... .or his feeling was wrong.

Did he "feel" like you were helping

Now... .read the article again in the link.

When you "pointed out" to him that you were trying to help... .what did you "do" to him?

FF

[Ozzie101]

Really good point! That's something I've been working hard at -- trying to see things the way he does and not invalidating him. Very difficult but I'm trying. You're right. Arguing about that with him was itself harmful and invalidating. The point isn't if I was helping. Did he feel I was?

I did admit I wasn't able to help the way he needed and apologized for it many times. But I doubt that helped.

[formflier]

Read it again... .a couple times.

What can you do or not do... .most of the time... .to not invalidate?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Recently your partner has begun dysregulating on nearly a daily basis. He's angry, depressed, pouting, lying, changeable and complaining. He's focused his anger upon your family, the doctors in particular, for not prescribing meds that he wanted. Though he's not raging as much as he had been, you're exhausted and you wonder which side of him you'll be seeing when you come home. You've felt yourself drifting away and you don't feel attracted to him. When he was out of town for a weekend, it was a relief. You feel guilty for feeling this way, but you don't like how he has behaved to you and with your family.

He has had a variety of stressors and you've tried to help, but he's felt that your help was "not helping". You're quite perplexed at what you can do to help him and he's very critical of others and willing to cut them off for insignificant reasons.

You ask if anyone else has been in this same position. I'll say absolutely yes! Things are much better with me and my husband now, with what I've learned here.

Yes, it's easy to invalidate a pwBPD, but it's also very difficult to live with someone when they're so troubled. You've been married for a relatively short time and now the honeymoon phase is definitely over and you get to see the other side of your husband.

It takes a lot of work to learn how to relate well with a pwBPD and it's a lifelong challenge. There's no shame in choosing not to pursue that challenge, but if you want to improve things, it's indeed a possibility.

Cat

[Red5]

Hello Ozzie101, and welcome to the “conflicted board”!

I am sure you have heard of the book; “Stop Walking on Eggshells”... .

Well I came across it on YouTube the other day, the “audio book” is some eight hours of playtime... .but you can access it on your phone or computer... .I’ve been re-reading / listening to it for days now... .so here is the link !

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5QY4JZJonCs

I seem to keep replaying from the 1:25.00 mark forward over and over... .as I struggle myself... .to understand my own pw/BPD’s endless behaviors... .

It is a ginormous file and it does take a few moments to download, so give a few seconds to load and play,

How this helps... .kind regards,

Red5

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, Red5. I actually just read that book last month and keep it for reference. It was a big help in understanding my husband's behavior and state of mind.

I realize I made a lot of mistakes and a lot of what I did was invalidating. It's the big thing I'm working on. Since I stopped arguing back so much, keeping calm and trying to validate his feelings, his rages haven't been quite as bad. So, I am hopeful.

But I'm also seeing more and more that while I do share a part of the blame for things, a lot of his behavior is emotionally and verbally abusive. I'm scared that could lead further down a road I don't want to get deep into. It already scares me when I look back at some nights, remember what he said and how I responded (agreeing, admitting I'm stupid, going along with his demands that I make lists of how I've failed).

[formflier]

What I hope you understand is that invalidation is FAR MORE powerful than validation.

A "figured" that is often tossed around here is that 1 invalidation equals 10 validations.

Said another way, for many people it's easy to invalidate them and hard to find the "validation target".  (have you ever tried to validate and had him be grumpy?)

I'm not so good at validation.  I work on it and at least try to consider it now.

I'm pretty good at avoiding invalidation.  My relationship is so much calmer.

Most of the time I avoiding invalidation by staying quiet or at least having a long pause.

FF

[Ozzie101]

I can see that. And I know that's a big part of why I messed up early on. The feelings=facts concept and others were completely foreign to me. Now, after reading the book and participating here, I have a better idea on how to approach things. It's definitely a work in progress.

[Red5]

Good morning Ozzie101,

But I'm also seeing more and more that while I do share a part of the blame for things, a lot of his behavior is emotionally and verbally abusive. I'm scared that could lead further down a road I don't want to get deep into. It already scares me when I look back at some nights, remember what he said and how I responded (agreeing, admitting I'm stupid, going along with his demands that I make lists of how I've failed).

This is where I’m at now in my own marraige to uBPDw, for years prior to ‘discovery’ of this thing we call BPD, .I was doing it ALL wrong... .I did as you describe... .I fought back against the seemingly endless ‘insanity’... .endless fights, I was ‘invalidating’ with all my mental strength... .which escalated in intensity each passing week, month and year.

Then as I began to search for the ‘reason why’... .I stumbled onto BPD, and started reading... .learning, and trying to at long last implememt means - tools to try and correct, effect change in the marraige... .but it hasn’t worked out over the long term... .I have come to believe that my uBPDw may be too far gone in all of this... .

I had a good degree of hope for a while, but uBPDw eventually crossed a ‘rubicon’... .a ‘deal breaker’... .long story, so things are now nose diving... .

Each pw/BPD is quite different but yet the same, hopefully in your relationship... .the more you learn and use the coping mechanisms - tools, you will be able to establish a baseline of livable peace in you relationship with your own/BPD.

Formflier is very knowledgeable and experienced... .he has lots of good advice... .I encourage you to try some of his well used tools ; )

Hang in there Ozzie!

Kind regards, Red5

[Ozzie101]

Thank you!

So, regarding validating/invalidating, how would people approach this one:
Husband: Your sister is the favorite child. Your parents only care about appeasing her. They don't give a damn about you or us.
Me: You think that?
H: Absolutely. Don't you?
M: She does get her way a lot. I can see how you would think that way.
H: But you don't think they prefer her?
M: I can understand that perspective, considering how the holiday plans worked out. And it would hurt to feel pushed aside.
H: Your parents don't care about us. They only care about your sisters.
M: <crickets>
H: Say it. Say your parents prefer your sisters. Say your parents don't care about you.

That's an example but it has happened and other similar conversations. In one (that's happened a couple of times) he's tried to get me to say that I was molested by my father or grandfather. Didn't happen. I barely kept from blowing my lid at that one. I try to stay quiet, hedge, validate his feelings without agreeing, but he picks up on it and backs me into a corner, demanding that I flat-out repeat what he said, word-for-word. It's never something I agree with and I can't bring myself to do that.

[formflier]

Thank you!

So, regarding validating/invalidating, how would people approach this one:
Husband: Your sister is the favorite child. Your parents only care about appeasing her. They don't give a damn about you or us.
Me: You think that?
 

Instead:

Me:  I'm listening.  Help me understand your views on this... it seems important to you.

Anytime you get "put on the spot" for an answer... .flip it and listen more.

him:  Don't you?

me:  Goodness... this is the first I'm thought of this, so I'll give it some thought. 

pause:

me:  This seems important to you... so it's important to me, can we talk more about it tomorrow after dinner?  At the moment I'm not able to give this my full attention.

FF

[formflier]

When thinking about validation... .stay away from agreeing or disagreeing.

There is also a concept of "validating the invalid" (which you don't want to do)

switching gears... .think about times you use the word "why".  Find them... get rid of that word.

Why is for courtrooms... .understanding is for relationships.


What's the backstory here?... .help me understand how this subject comes up.

How would you handle it if he came to you and said?

"The troll in the back yard got a new unicorn.  Don't you agree the pink horn is wonderful?"

Seriously... .give it some thought about your reaction to that

Then compare it to his mind reading powers being applied to your parents.

FF

[Ozzie101]

I'll try those next time that comes up. And I'll watch the "why."

I've been trying to validate feelings but not the invalid but obviously I struggle with the wording -- and he picks up on that and corners me, wanting a full-on declaration. That's where I get tripped up. But you've given me some good phrases and tips.

Family comes up a lot and is his main trigger. He's an only child who never really connected with his parents. They were very controlling and rule-based.

My family is large and close-knit. While we don't all get along all the time, we do love each other and enjoy being around each other. I'm aware that the family gatherings are overwhelming for him and have been supportive in his desire to skip some of them and have happily agreed to go out of town for some holidays. He has said I'm too attached to them. Can't understand why I enjoy talking to my parents and grandmother or why I care about my sisters' kids.

He was adopted as a newborn and recently found his biological family -- very nice, normal, loving people who are thrilled to have him in their lives. It's been very positive for him but also stressful. Anyway, he's told me that since meeting them, he's starting to actually understand why I might like being around family. It's not always misery. Maybe that's progress.

Thing is, he's certain they look down on him for being divorced. That they don't like him. They don't care about him. I used to insist that wasn't true but now I'm trying to find ways to validate his feelings without agreeing with them. He can read bad motives into anything. My parents only stay three hours for dinner? They hate him. They'd spend more time with the other kids. They give him the Yeti cup he's really wanted for Christmas? Well, they gave him the light blue instead of dark blue so obviously they don't know him.

In short, they can't win.

It's been suggested to me on the Bettering Relationships board that his attitude to my family may be projection, yearning and jealousy. He wants the big, loving close family I have. He wants to be a part of it. Yet, it's not the family he grew up with and it's a reminder of that. And no matter what, they'll always love me more than they do him. So, he takes any opportunity to bash them and try to put a wedge between them and me.

I don't know. Maybe that's true. It does make sense.

Anyway, it comes up a lot. Any incident, real or imagined, involving them will spin around in his head and the slightest trigger can bring it out. Even something seemingly unrelated. He'll then rant about it for hours and try to force me to agree with his point of view or to agree to call them and tear them apart or agree to cut them off completely. I try to change the subject or to postpone and he comes back with "See? You won't agree with me. You will always side with them. You love them more than you love me. I've done everything for you but you won't stand by me." I can see where he's getting that and I understand that, from his point of view, his feelings are very real and he's twisting facts to support them. The fact that I'm not supporting them makes him feel like I'm rejecting him and against him. Yet I cannot agree with what he says or do what he wants me to do.

When he's said something true, I've agreed. When he's had a legitimate problem, I've confronted the person involved to work it out. I'll readily admit when a family member falls short or is less than perfect. No problem there. But he doesn't recognize those things. They don't count.

It's like being caught in a trap.

[formflier]

It's like being caught in a trap.

What if you didn't "take the cheese" in the trap?

We will give you suggestions, but my hope for you is that you try to understand the "mindset" that I used to give a proposed response (like to your example you gave me) vice you "memorizing lines".

We'll certainly try to understand the dynamics going on here better... .but most importantly if we understand accurately that the dynamics are no longer working... .STOP them.

examples.  Is talking about your parents love or hatred of him working?  Do you think "one more" conversation will help?

There is another thing I'm hoping to get you to (although this will likely take a while)... .  Now he does things and you react. 

What if you lived the life that was healthy for you?... .and let him do what he does... or doesn't do.  In other words... .let him react to you.

FF

[Ozzie101]

Yes, that's exactly what I want. The conversations get us nowhere and I see that. I guess I need to learn how to stop them -- or how to just walk away or something. They're not productive. I just haven't figured out how to stop them. I have succeeded in controlling my emotions, staying calm and neutral and not arguing back. That keeps him from going nuclear but doesn't stop the conversations themselves. He'll keep going. The only options I can think of are to just leave the room (when I'm pretty sure he'd follow) or pick up a book, turn on the TV or something (wouldn't go over well). Is there something I'm not thinking of?

And you're right. Memorizing lines isn't the answer. It should be getting the right mindset. That's a very good point.

[formflier]

  I guess I need to learn how to stop them

Is your function in life to stop arguments from happening?  Is that even possible?

How many people does it take to argue?

Kinda a trick question... .kinda a serious one to think through.  Spend some time on this question...

-- or how to just walk away or something.
 

Detaching strategies are important. 

Sometimes "I'm not able to talk right now... ." is all you can do.  Sometimes more. 

I'm less interested in how you do it... .and I'm more interested that you stop circular, inane, ridiculous, (you can fill in some adjectives if you want)... .conversations.

How many times around does it take to confirm a circular conversation/argument?  (again... serious question)

They're not productive.
 

I'm glad you see this. 

What would be productive?

I just haven't figured out how to stop them.

 

Circle back to first question... you will find your answer.

How many people does it take to argue?


FF

[Ozzie101]

You're right. When I respond to his irrational statements and attacks, I'm keeping things going. That's why I've lately been pulling back -- not engaging. I can't say it's worked very well just yet. My non-response just makes him angry. At the same time, he's not getting as worked up as he used to so maybe that's a sign it's working -- at least somewhat.

I wish I knew what would be productive. The thing is, I know I've made mistakes. There have been times I've been insensitive. Or where I haven't supported him enough. That makes me feel guilty and like he has a good point. And I know he has some legitimate gripes and concerns that need to be addressed. But I know none of it's coming out in a healthy way. His behavior is abusive and that whatever I might have done, I don't deserve the way he's treating me.

I wish he would agree to therapy so maybe we could both work on developing a healthier relationship. I had a consultation with a therapist this morning who recommended some experts for him but he's always been so against talk therapy that I fear what his response would be.

[formflier]

You're right. When I respond to his irrational statements and attacks, I'm keeping things going.
  
At the same time, he's not getting as worked up as he used to so maybe that's a sign it's working -- at least somewhat.

I wish I knew what would be productive.

 

I'm getting really heavy in this thread... .and I've dumped a lot on you, yet you seem to be "getting it"... which is why I keep tossing stuff at you.  

You have a lot to reflect on.

The key in the bolded part is "I".  Think about that.  Who is in control of the "I"?  Why is that important?


It is working.  He didn't get this way in a day... and it will take a similar amount of time to unwind.

It would be great if he went to therapy.  You don't control that.  Communications is problematic at the moment.

I recommend you focus on you.  Find out just how much power and control YOU (and only you) have over the conflict in your relationship.

There will come a time to address therapy for him... .him doing and not doing things.  Let's cross that bridge when you get there.

How does that sound?

Last thing.  Consistency is key.  So... .if for a week you ignore his "bait" to argue... then one time you take it and argue... .that is really bad.  That's why gambling  can be addictive.

I used to be able to find links about "intermittent reinforcement"... .at the moment I can't.

Be consistent!

FF

[Ozzie101]

I really appreciate the feedback.

I've read about intermittent reinforcement and remember a lot from college. I know consistency is vital. Not always easy when in the heat of the moment but it's something I'm working on -- that and staying calm.

You're right. I need to focus on me and my role in things. I also need to really figure out my lines in the sand -- my boundaries. What am I willing to tolerate -- or not?

It's a lot to digest. And it will take a lot of work. But I need and want to have goals in mind for myself and to do my part to work towards a healthier environment and frame of mind.

[formflier]

And it will take a lot of work. 

Yes... .and yet it will also create a lot of time and space for you.

What if you had all the energy and time you have "spent" on arguments... .back in your "wallet"?

How valuable would that be to you?

Would it be "worth" the "hard work".

How hard is it to keep your mouth shut?  (trust me... it's gets easier with practice)

FF

[Ozzie101]

Absolutely.

I'm getting better about keeping my mouth shut. I don't argue back, even if he says something I don't like. I just need to keep it up.

[AskingWhy]

Ozzie, can anyone relate?

Oh, can I!      Your description of your H sounds so much like mine, pouting, divorce threats, anger, double-binds and all.

When H dysregulates, he rages, breaking objects, upending and trashing furniture, and punching holes in walls and doors.   These actions used to devastate me to sobbing tears, or responses of rage of my own.

Now I calmly acknowledge to myself that H is a sick man and don't engage.  I leave the room to let him deal with his tantrum.

My H is moody, enmeshed with his adult children, has no real identity to speak of (he takes to heart the opinions of his close friends and children), is jealous of my family and their financial comfort (H's family lives in poverty due to FIL's uNPD; BIL and W are drug addicts), and is jealous of me and my financial comfort. I was able to retire well early and H is jealous.

Whether or not there is hope for your marriage is up to your goals.  Do you want to stay married?  Two years is a small investment, as I have been married for more than 20 years and, looking back, H was always volatile and unreasonable.  It was only until I stepped back and recognized H wasn't the sanest man around.

IMO, being married to a BPD man is like being married to a toddler--or a teenager.  They are volatile, nasty, angry and moody.  They go from happy to angry for the slightest triggers.  I have learned that my H often projects the rage he feels toward his first W (she cheated on him while he was overseas in the military) and took the children.  H also had a horrid FOO, and his F spent all of his meagre earnings on himself and gave little to his W and his children.

As for the illegal act your H expected of your F and B on writing prescriptions for someone not under their care, my H wanted me to falsify a document for one of his children so she would not have to pay out-of-state college fees.  I flatly refused.  I am sure due to splitting that he does not even recall what he asked me to do.    

BPDs are like that.  They want what they want, and they want it now--whatever it takes.  They have no boundaries.  My H flies into rages, threatened divorce at least once a week--now it's once a month--telling me how horrible a W I am, I am an old hag and no one will want to date me after he leaves me, and on and on. My response is essentially, "So I am.  What's it to you?  If you want a divorce, have me served."  I no longer beg to talk it over, I no longer take the fall for something that's not my fault, and I am comfortable now in the event that we do part our ways.

I have found several books on BPD helpful.  You may have already heard of them.

"Walking On Eggshells."  Randi Kreger.  This is the first book to reach for.

"When Hope Is Not Enough."  Bon Dobbs.  This has helpful strategies for interacting with a BPD family member or spouse.  

I am glad you are aware that your H's behaviour is something you did not cause.

If you are not already in therapy, you may wish to find one for just yourself as I find this is helpful to me.  Make sure your T knows about BPDs.  

[formflier]

Now I calmly acknowledge to myself that H is a sick man and don't engage.  I leave the room to let him deal with his tantrum.

AskingWhy,

Can you catch us up with more detail on the history here.

What did you do "in the old days" when he wold dysregulate?  How long would the tantrum last?  How would you feel after?  things like that.

Now that you leave the room.  How long does it last?  How do you feel after?  etc etc

FF

[AskingWhy]

AskingWhy,

Can you catch us up with more detail on the history here.

What did you do "in the old days" when he wold dysregulate?  How long would the tantrum last?  How would you feel after?  things like that.

Now that you leave the room.  How long does it last?  How do you feel after?  etc etc

FF

I leave the room and let H deal with his mess.  I make sure the pets and grandchildren are safe and away from any broken glass, plastic or splintered wood, but otherwise I totally disengage.  I immediately stop talking to H, and don't help him clean up the disaster he has made.  H almost immediately stops the tantrum to begin cleaning up.  I feel so much better disengaging and letting him own up to the violence. 

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, AskingWhy

I've read Eggshells but will look into the other.

As for my marriage, that's one thing I'm trying to figure out. I love him. But like you said, 2 years isn't a huge investment. No kids. I'm at a point now, like you, where if he said "Let's end it" my world wouldn't end. I have a strong support system and I've always been independent. I don't want to end it but if I have to, I can. In a way, I guess that's good.

[Ozzie101]

Also, I had a consultation with a therapist (BPD specialist) yesterday. It went very well but now I have to decide whether to continue. H has always been against either one of us seeing someone (they're fakes, only after money, sharing private info with a stranger). I can't go without telling him. But sometimes he's more receptive to the idea. I'm hoping if I can get the timing right, I can tell him I plan to go. I feel it would help me a lot.

[formflier]

Big picture value I would hope you consider.

"I am responsible for my own medical care."  I put mental health under that boundary... .value.

FF