Severe emotional abuse of 5 year old, advice please.

[Solidshadow]

   I've posted here before, but it was a while ago. I have a 5 year old stepson whose mother has severe symptoms of BPD. DH and I have him roughly 40% of the time after an expensive and messy court battle where the judge refused to hear the case and simply threw an arbitrary roughly 50/50 parenting plan at them and told them to sign off or else after BM withheld the kid for 8 months, lied about domestic violence, lied about child abuse, and even denied paternity after she FIRST named him as the father and filed for child support when DH filed for custody. It is a long distance plan and the child attends school in the mother's district, 50 miles away.

    She has been in almost constant violation of the parenting plan, but always minor violations, and things that are difficult to prove. The parenting plan is vague, but we have her on withholding time, withholding medical info, withholding school info, failing to communicate reasonably, badmouthing DH, dragging the child into arguments etc. But she always does it in sideways ways that may or may not qualify as contempt. For example, she will withhold time, but never the normal time listed on the CO. Instead she might agree to exchange a weekend, DH will give his up, and when its her turn to give her weekend up she will change her mind or insist she never agreed to it or it later turns out she traded him a weekend that was his anyway or doesn't exist. Another thing she did was DH has the entire summer break. She once changed DH's address and phone number with the school so he wasn't notified that SS's first day of school was delayed by a week. She didn't tell DH about the change, had DH bring the child to school on the "first day" and then quietly snuck the child out of the building while DH was figuring out the date had been moved and refused to return him for the remainder of summer break. She's obviously constantly badmouthing DH infront of his son, but "my 5 year old said" is not good evidence.

        DH is still paying off the bill from the first custody battle, and has been dragging his feet on filing  because he's terrified that if he tries anything she's going to come up with some fantastic web of lies and he's going to end up with even less time than he already has.  Or he is concerned her already extremely unstable behavior will get worse and she will take it out on SS which she has a history of doing which DH and I always end up paying for-- she gets upset over something and then SS comes to our house empathically announcing how much he hates daddy and in tears screaming about how he's hurting mommy and he's not allowed to have a daddy and mommy is going to die because he went to visit and spends the weekend extremely emotionally distraught and impossible to deal with after the crap she puts in his head.

     Well, we've finally had enough. We are filing for contempt, but its really not enough and not fast enough and according to the lawyer it wont do anything anyway, she'll just get a slap on the wrist but it will build a paper trail. In the meantime she is completely destroying SS and DH and I have no idea how to respond to him when this stuff comes back to us... I am just going to describe the most recent issue, but there are dozens of these... .

      This whole ordeal is giving me crippling anxiety and i'm so tired of running over better ways to respond when this stuff happens in my head. Actually, I think this time I'm just going to ask for instructions. Also let me preface by saying, I am familiar with parental alienation, I am familiar with Craig Childress and I have read divorce poison. I have read about emotional validation on this forum and practice it when I can. But its not enough. SS does recognize there is something wrong with his mother, he responds quickly to prompting and has announced it several times himself in response to something she had done, he's also constantly asking us why mommy always lies but it doesn't make him any less affected by her behavior. He's still 5, he's still completely enamored with mommy, and he's still terrified of doing something to lose her love. In other words it makes it no less upsetting or any easier to deal with. SS is only 5. It's good that he's a little bit too young for parental alienation per se to effect him, at this point the BM's behavior is just resulting in a very confused child with a lot of behavioral issues but still very hard to deal with.

 So BM had a little text flippout at my DH over thanksgiving break. Per the court order, she gets thanksgiving day and black Friday, but she doesn't get thanksgiving weekend. On my DH's years, he gets the entire weekend. This is her year. So DH texts her to confirm exchange time and place for Saturday. BM sends back about 100 messages about how its her time and he cant have it, then some BS about how he agreed to give it to her in some conversation that never happened, then something about how since he had the weekend last year she gets it this year, followed by some nonsense about how they haven't been following the CO anymore so how can he expect her to follow it now and something about Christmas last year that didn't actually happen either... .And finally a rant about how dare he drop this on her at the last minute and how he better not expect her to agree to anything ever again. She never actually asked him to trade the weekend, she just ranted for a good hour.

This is what happens every single time there is a day or holiday or anything in the CO that is unfavorable to her. Her behavior looks pretty ridiculous since its supposed to be a 50% plan but due to the way its written its more like 65/35 in her favor, the way she acts you'd think she gets one day a year and my DH is stealing it. Of course, the other thing that happens is that every time she gets upset with DH, SS starts exhibiting all kinds of unusual behaviors where its pretty obvious she really tore into him for it. So what did SS5 say/do this weekend?

"Mommy says im not allowed to listen to you daddy." "Mommy says I'm not allowed to have fun at daddy's." This stuff is minor, but it keeps getting worse. Than DH asks SS to do something, SS refuses, DH takes something away, SS starts crying, and eventually comes up to DH and says "Mommy doesn't love me anymore, she says she only loves her parents and wishes she never had me." and somewhere in trying to calm him down out comes "Why do you say you're my daddy when my other daddy put me in mommy's stomach?" Who is his other daddy? No, its not a stepfather believe it or not. It's Grandpa, the BM's father.

So... .What are sane responses for this stuff?

I really wish it started there but the SS's shattered mind party was just beginning. Sunday night SS5 has a meltdown over a blanket. DH decides he's had it and SS is going to bed early. This results in a kicking hitting screaming child shouting "I don't need you! I only love mommy! I hate you! Go away and die alone!" at DH. Tantruming child is calmly and immediately carried to and locked into his bedroom where he promptly begins banging on the door and calling for me while wailing. I come in, I'm pretty mad but I realize he doesn't see DH and I as the same. When he's in trouble with one of us he usually asks the other one what to do about it. Now the really disturbing stuff starts... .

"I don't want to be like mommy. I want to be like you and daddy but she's controlling me. I'm sorry I hurt daddy but she's making me do it. She's my mommy so I have to do what she says." So I explain that he controls himself, which seems confusing to him, and ask what the BM said to him.
 He replies "Mommy says she's going kill you and Daddy. She hates both of you. She really hates you. She had a bad day because of daddy and she was so angry she turned red and ripped all the books up and kept hitting herself in the face. Then she started choking herself until she puked and it was all red and she said it was because of daddy." "I'm really scared, mommy said I have to help her kill daddy or I don't love her, i'm supposed to kill daddy right now and she said if I don't she's going stop loving me and leave me somewhere to die. "

HELP?
 How am I supposed to reply when SS says stuff like this?
 Yes my DH filed for contempt but lawyer says he doubts they'll do anything, its all just hearsay. Please don't tell me to read books or put SS in therapy. I just want to know how to respond when he says/does things like this because the BM has been abusing him again.

[ForeverDad]

For example, she will withhold time, but never the normal time listed on the CO. Instead she might agree to exchange a weekend, DH will give his up, and when its her turn to give her weekend up she will change her mind or insist she never agreed to it or it later turns out she traded him a weekend that was his anyway or doesn't exist.

I too faced that dilemma in the early years of separation/divorce.  After a few sabotaged trades I insisted that they had to be in writing since she always denied verbal trades.  For a while I told her that for trades I had to get my traded time first since I couldn't count on getting my time if after she got what she wanted.  Of course she wanted times without giving enough advance time for me to get my end first.

SS does recognize there is something wrong with his mother, he responds quickly to prompting and has announced it several times himself in response to something she had done, he's also constantly asking us why mommy always lies but it doesn't make him any less affected by her behavior. He's still 5, he's still completely enamored with mommy, and he's still terrified of doing something to lose her love. In other words it makes it no less upsetting or any easier to deal with. SS is only 5. It's good that he's a little bit too young for parental alienation per se to effect him, at this point the BM's behavior is just resulting in a very confused child with a lot of behavioral issues but still very hard to deal with.

The month before my divorce was final my son, then barely 6 years old, told a strange story... .

(2008 notes) We were in Chick-Fil-A Monday evening February 25 and my son said his mommy was adopting a child.  Then off he ran to play in the playground.  After we got home I asked him about that.  I expected him to clam up or say I don't want to talk now, as he says very little of his life with mommy.  Just a little slips out now and again.  His barrier was down for a minute:

Me: Let me ask, you said something, did you say you were going to be adopted or something?
Yeah.
Me: Who's going to adopt you?  Or were you talking about someone else being adopted?
My mommy's adopting another child... .
Me: Oh, really?
... .who loves my mommy... .
Me: Oh, real... .
... .and listens to my mommy and behaves to my mommy... .
Me: Wow.  Well, you behave her, don't you, pretty much?
Yeah... .
Me: I think you love me, right?  I love you.  Does she love you?
And I said, I love you mommy.  And she said, she didn't hear me, I love you mommy, and she thought I said I don't love you mommy.

(the next day... .) he said if he didn't call mommy she would adopt another child and if he didn't call her she won't let him call me.

I told my lawyer but he said there wasn't much I could do.  Spin forward to early this year, he's a teen now in high school... .Twice she declared she was disowning him.  Within a couple days she reclaimed him but the hurt was done.  Then this summer she didn't want him to get driving school education, he supposedly wasn't ready.  (By then I had custody and she couldn't block it.)  She seized his phone, he was sure it was gone forever but she returned it by the time the first class had ended.

This yo-yo life isn't good for kids.  But getting the professionals to respond to these incidents they don't consider to be 'actionable' is virtually impossible.  I did find out that if schools reported incidents with a problem parent then that might get more action than from reports by the reasonably normal parent.

Solid boundaries and insightful validation are invaluable but it will probably take years of effort.

As for the scary stories your stepson tells, hmm... .does your H have a counselor?  I guessing his mother would refuse to allow the son to have counseling.  News Flash:  Most courts love counseling.  If one parent asks the court to approve it, it's likely to be granted.  The crucial thing is to ensure the problem parent doesn't go shopping for a compliant, gullible counselor.  One way to handle that issue, one the courts approve, is for the reasonably normal parent to be proactive, research and build a short list of reputable, capable, experienced counselors and then (what the court sees as having both parents involved) have the problem parent select from among those most excellent professionals.

If your H has a counselor, maybe he could bring his son with him sometimes (ahem, when you're not available) and unofficially dad's T could get to know his son a bit.  The T shouldn't treat both father and son, but the T could be aware of the extreme conflict and recommend another most excellent counselor for when dad could get son into counseling... .although knowing mother would try to control it.

[david]

He said/she said doesn't work well in court. I would start recording what SS is saying. Gather evidence. Eventually it may come in handy.

[ForeverDad]

Depending on the situation, courts may frown on recording the kids.  It could be interpreted as putting the kids in the middle rather than simply documenting incidents.  So be sure your proactive experienced lawyer agrees or tells you how to avoid any potential pitfalls.

While I did record my child at times, I did it without my son knowing that.  (I figured I had to record in the moment for documentation but that I'd decide what to do with them later.)  CPS was okay with it.  My lawyer kept it away from court until years later.  The recordings dealt with exchanges and the games the ex tried to put me though just to jerk me around.  The court thoroughly criticized mother for all her "disparaging" comments to father in the child's presence.

I know a lot of people fear recording in case it will get them in trouble with the courts or other professionals.  Court is busy and doesn't have the time to listen or verify their authenticity.  However, what may not be presented in court can often be used to inform the evaluators or the police, for example, of the reality on a 'family dispute' call and that recordings are helpful to determine the ex's allegations & claims are insufficient to justify carting us reasonably normal parents off for a weekend in jail.  It is your decision whether to record or not but be assured that in my dozen years here I recall only a handful of members here reported the conflict got so bad that their court ordered them to stop recording incidents with the kids... .and none went to jail over it.

[david]

Yes, you need to talk to an attorney as to the implications. It may not be allowed in court but it might be good for a custody evaluator, etc.

[Turkish]

5 is hard.  I have D6 and S8, but I've not gone through what you are going though.  I know you said not to recommend books,  but have you checked out The Power of Validation?

That he is being honest and open with you is good.  It sounds like he trusts you.  You're neither Mommy who lies and traumatizes him with her Waifish behaviors,  nor dad whom he doesn't trust due to his mom's lies.

Do you ask him questions? "That sounds like it may hurt you.  Does it? What do you think about that? How do you feel when mommy says that? It sounds like it was scary when mommy did that.  If my mom did that, I'd be scared." And the like... .open it up.  Let him talk more.  5 isn't too young to throw the ball into his court. It sounds like he needs to be heard,  and he feels like you are a safe person at this point to talk to. 

[david]

Our boys were around 4 and 8 when ex ran away with them. She used alienation tactics to try to turn them against me. Eventually our oldest started talking to me. At first, I believe, he was testing the waters to make sure I would not go ballistic like his mom. Once he felt safe he opened up more. Our youngest was more cautious but was watching. They both learned they could talk to me without the unanticipated anger their mom presented. Things got easier the more I listened and learned validation techniques. Eventually they stopped talking to their mom about anything they felt important.

[worriedStepmom]

That poor child.

What do you think would happen if you call Child Protective Services?  That last story your stepson told you - that is SCARY.  She hit herself until she vomited, in front of her child?  She is telling her child that she will kill you and his father?  If I were a friend of the family and he told me that, I would call CPS.

How is your stepson doing at school?  Does he have behavior problems there?  Has he talked about his mom there?  Does he have a lot of unexcused absences?  Those could all be proof that the child is having difficulties under mom's guidance.

All you can really do right now is validate, ask him questions about how he feels, and help him put words to emotions. 

If I were your husband, though, I'd be in court demanding that the child be in therapy, and I would be demanding a psychological evaluation of the mom to ensure that she is a fit parent.

[Solidshadow]

   I am on the fence about calling CPS. I have been told that they don't take emotional abuse seriously. The mother would know the call came from us, CPS would do nothing, and she would take her anger out on poor SS. She would become even more difficult about following the too vague parenting plan... .

Hmm... .None of those are that bad. I should probably call... .I don't think CPS would help, but the mother would deregulate further and might hopefully result in more evidence to be used against her.

SS had 40 absences last year, but school attendance wasn't compulsory yet because of his age. This year he only has 4 so far.
He is however on the verge of being held back from entering first grade due to behavioral issues. We are having a hard time documenting it though, all we have is a progress report that shows a score of 69. The teacher says 70 is required to pass for the year but she says he has 2 weeks to make it up and shes confident he will. There's nothing in writing that explains how bad a 69 is.

[zachira]

Not that you are not already doing this, it is key that the child not feel caught in the tug of war between you and his mother. This means your not getting distressed about what is going on between you and his mother in front of the child, which is far from easy. Do everything you can to anticipate your distress and feel it when the child is not around. Your son needs at least one home that is calm and peaceful, and he does not feel affected by what is going on between his parents. From what you have said, it is apparent that his home life with his mother is terribly traumatizing. Can you get court ordered therapy for the child, and possibly do some therapy for yourself, as what is going on is beyond what most of us can endure emotionally without somewhere to express the feelings without affecting the child?