Ive detached

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just thought id let you all know

thanks for the comraderiship and solidarity.

over a thousand posts of learning, hard work mixed with the gamut of emotions. Let the poision out.

she is persona non grata in my life. what was left to finish beyond the physical NC, was quite a bit of work to displace out of my day to day thoughts but got there in the end.

Again, and the purpose of this post - thank you to each and every one of you, not only getting my life back but with a new sense of direction to go with it. I hope those going through the same find some hope to attach that it is possible. Im not a psychologist I cant answer a lot of questions, such as "how long will it take" - i reached out desperately for those questions to be answered of which were my own, my own conclusions in end were that a) i didnt even want answers anymore b) i might never have recovered

A lot has to do with combatting the side plate problems, sure my ex might have aggravated even been the root cause of so much depression and anxiety, that otherwise wouldnt have felt, but these things needed to be curtailed, and once I managed it, it had a knock on effect towards seeing the r/s in a different perspective too.

Its a personal quest, but at the same time amidst a backdrop of support, hints and tips and i vow to do my best each time I come here to relay what ive been through, what worked, or just simply befriend anyone who needs it, just as I got when I needed it most.

its not easy to convey how much this has meant to me, what words can reflect the happiness of getting a life back that was stuck in a state of emotional purgatory for so long. Soul Searing but ultimately not destroying. I cant be ever more grateful for the day I found you all. Thanks and to those on their way, never let go of that hope, it was the keystone of building everything else back up.

[Cromwell]

Just thought id let you all know

thanks for the comraderiship and solidarity.

over a thousand posts of learning, hard work mixed with the gamut of emotions. Let the poision out.

she is persona non grata in my life. what was left to finish beyond the physical NC, was quite a bit of work to displace out of my day to day thoughts but got there in the end.

Again, and the purpose of this post - thank you to each and every one of you, not only getting my life back but with a new sense of direction to go with it. I hope those going through the same find some hope to attach that it is possible. Im not a psychologist I cant answer a lot of questions, such as "how long will it take" - i reached out desperately for those questions to be answered of which were my own, my own conclusions in end were that a) i didnt even want answers anymore b) i might never have recovered

A lot has to do with combatting the side plate problems, sure my ex might have aggravated even been the root cause of so much depression and anxiety, that otherwise wouldnt have felt, but these things needed to be curtailed, and once I managed it, it had a knock on effect towards seeing the r/s in a different perspective too.

Its a personal quest, but at the same time amidst a backdrop of support, hints and tips and i vow to do my best each time I come here to relay what ive been through, what worked, or just simply befriend anyone who needs it, just as I got when I needed it most.

its not easy to convey how much this has meant to me, what words can reflect the happiness of getting a life back that was stuck in a state of emotional purgatory for so long. Soul Searing but ultimately not destroying. I cant be ever more grateful for the day I found you all. Thanks and to those on their way, never let go of that hope, it was the keystone of building everything else back up.

[Turkish]

When I first came here,  someone told me that time heals. Logically I believed it, but not emotionally. 

Time does help,  but even more so work on ourselves. 

[Skip]

When I first came here,  someone told me that time heals. Logically I believed it, but not emotionally. 

Time does help,  but even more so work on ourselves. 

I would agree with this. Time numbs the pain. Detaching is the first step in habilitating our ability to seek healthy partner and attach in healthy ways.

Much of what we learn in this first phase is to let go and some sense of what does not work. What we often need to learn is "what does work" and how to navigate relationship struggles in a healthy way (and how to know when to pull the cord and get out).

[JNChell]

Cromwell. My Son has a Transformer toy named Grimlock. For whatever reason, I’ve often wanted to say Cromwell. I think that we need to initiate a Cromwell transformer. Would that be selfish of me?

I’d like to touch on what Skip and Turkish are saying about time. Time is a buffer between us and our feelings. Time doesn’t heal us. You’re a very intelligent person, so it’s hard for me ask, but how do you feel about that?

[Cromwell]

 JNChell.

If he has Megatron it would suit better, your not the first to make the observation.

Yep, time by itself doesnt mean much or I suspect it doesnt. I think in the relationship I became apathy towards doing anything, it was groundhog day and 3 years felt like 3 weeks when I contrast it to what ive done in the past year.

[once removed]

youve paid it forward to an awful lot of hurting folks that needed support, Cromwell, and i know how invaluable that is in getting through. its good to be connected in something bigger than ourselves. thanks for the time and effort youve invested in others.

[Mustbeabetterway]

  Cromwell,

Thanks for sharing your positive news.  I’m so glad to hear
that you have a new sense of direction and have “gotten your life back”.

Mustbe

[JNChell]

Wait, wait, wait! Are you saying that you’re leaving the group?

[JNChell]

If you are leaving, good luck and safe travels. We’re always here.

[Cromwell]

heres what ive got access to, in the quest for answers for BPD

    All Results    
   Academic Journals    45,207
   Reviews    664
   Reports    331
   Magazines    253
   Books    76
   Electronic Resources    55
   eBooks    47
   Conference Materials    42
   News    19
   Trade Publications    8
   Dissertations/Theses    4

When I saw that I suddenly realised, hmm maybe there is a lot of other stuff I wanted to get on with instead and if not, id rather start to create it.

Ive got new problems such as a girl I like that hates the colour green and im Irish. Can you solve that one JNChell? One thing I like about this place, there is always the right answer just have to ask.

im not going anywhere

[once removed]

hates the color green? thats my favorite color.

 

run.

just kidding... .but maybe tell her shes full of malarkey.

[Cromwell]

 Once Removed.

One thing ive found is the "triggers" are actually just that I see personality traits in women that im attracted too, and these I also found in my ex.

the problem is to seperate the BPD aspect from it and not let it become packaged up and associated to anyone new. Thats where I think I failed a bit initially in dating and maybe others too. Everything can become a trigger of our ex, regardless if it was an aspect that prior to the relationship was something that was attractive quality. Maybe this is part of detaching properly too, to fully accept the individualism of a potential new partner and not let the past carry forward in hypervigilance.

[once removed]

I see personality traits in women that im attracted too, and these I also found in my ex.

surely there were/are things you liked about your ex?

there are definitely some qualities that my ex had that i would love to find in a future partner.

[Skip]

One thing I've found is the "triggers" are actually just that I see personality traits in women that I'm attracted too, and these I also found in my ex.

Cromwell, watching many members over the years I have seen this in a segment of our members. When I've drilled down, I think there are three reasons for it.

One (the most obvious) is that we are dating before we are detached and healed. Some members prescribe to the "the best way to get over him is to get under someone else’"  Carrying baggage from the prior relationship into the new relationship significantly handicaps the new relationship. And often, when we date before we have fully grieved, the next breakup is amplified by the unresolved pain of the prior relationship.

The second, not so obvious, is that if we don't really understand what mental illness really is or what pathology really is or maybe even what healthy is -- and therefore we fear the complex part of human nature.

The third is, the least obvious, is not understanding our own unhealthy proclivities  and weaknesses (like insecure attachment, for example) that ultimately cause us great pain.

[JNChell]

Skip, good post. Drilling Down, this is accurate.

The third is, the least obvious, is not understanding our own unhealthy proclivities  and weaknesses (like insecure attachment, for example) that ultimately cause us great pain.

This thread belongs to Cromwell, but I have to speak to this. This has been a very important self discovery for me. My inner critic is screaming at me louder and louder the more that I push forward through this. I think the key to a lot of this work is to not allow ourselves to be rattled by the inner noise from the past. I’m learning more and more on how to step outside of it and observe it. In different words, my T explained to me that things will continue to get louder as we progress with my therapy. It will become quiet eventually. The only way out is through.

[Cromwell]

One (the most obvious) is that we are dating before we are detached and healed. Some members prescribe to the "the best way to get over him is to get under someone else’"  Carrying baggage from the prior relationship into the new relationship significantly handicaps the new relationship. And often, when we date before we have fully grieved, the next breakup is amplified by the unresolved pain of the prior relationship.

Hi Folks

Just wanted to highlight this point I find has been key, at least for me. By the time 3 years of torment were brought to a halt, I felt more of a flake than she was. I started dating but started to recognise some disturbing things about my choice of potential partners.

a) They revealed themselves as similar flakes, and I felt magnetised to them more than the

b girls) who were mentally balanced but saw me as someone to rescue. Ie, from the r/s I left I felt like I had went from that role to needing a rescuer myself.

Im not inherently attracted to either types and despite this year being a single one, the primary objective here was not a relationship but health restoration.

there is also the little problem of having been stalked and not knowing until a suffiient passage of time what sort of trigger could result in starting a new r/s. I feel far more safer now, but i didnt back then. Its not a nice dating strategy to feel the need to disclose "oh btw, my ex with BPD might end up harassing you, just a heads up if you get any abusive messages"

This year has been about going under the radar whilst trying to recover physically and mentally from all that BS.

In the process I learned a few things, such as not taking for granted something called "peace". It turns out with a lot of time to reflect, I actually enjoy and wanted a calm, peaceful, joy filled life. not drama and destructive acts that derive from someone not having enough attention as a child.

No birthday card last year so she had the complete lack of shame to turn up at my door, 6 months of NC, cant get a hint or more accurately, courage via alcohol.

2 months to go, lets see if my message has finally sunk in that the emotional exploitation game is over. I will buy a cake again, in the same way you guys celebrate the 4th of July - no more colonisation.

JNChell, you mentioned ages ago about the feeling of having to build things up with the few rusty tools left. It is partly how I feel now, all I can say is good for you, an inspiration, there are two variants of the human species ive come across through life, constructors and demolitions. Life is easy these days ive learned to identify better the former and discard as soon as possible the latter. That really is a condesned version of all there is to it all.

[juju2]

Cromwell.

So looking backwards,

Do you have insight in to keys of your recovery, big steps, that you didnt even know at the time... .  i feel like you made it out of an underwater cave, you can show the rest of us where and how.

Blessings and gratitude,
j

[Cromwell]

juju2 Hi

I detached years ago I just hadnt fully conciously embraced the fact JuJu2.

she harassed my family though and that was the straw that broke the camels back.

from there on it was a case of put some flippers on and "Get the hell out of [subterrenean] dodge"

I found the surface, the internet, and this group. I also threw the bed out, ordered a new one, then didnt have the emotional spirit to put it together for 2 weeks. I should have though, it was the turning point, each minute of each day from the point I blocked that number was the grass shoots of progress taking place.

how about you JuJu2, do you think it will still take to the last straw until get some flippers on. If you want my insight I wish I would have got some help way back to try engineer a way out, would have let me rebuild my life faster and swam outside that reward, punishment whirlpool.