Aversion to sex

[amazingcharis]

Have any of you developed a sexual aversion towards your BPD spouse or partner?  If so, how are you handling it and their response to it? 

My husband’s over-the-top rages and physical abuse stopped some years ago when I finally got to the point where I could tell him I would separate from him if either happened again.  However anger, denial, verbal abuse, inability to be “present” in the marriage and many of the other BPD behaviors are still pretty much a part of our daily life.  We’ve spent many years in counseling and therapy with very good and knowledgeable professionals; but since he is in total denial about all the things that have happened in our marriage, he hasn’t cooperated with any of them. 

It’s not just that I’ve lost my sexual attraction to him; I've developed a real aversion to having sex with him and it doesn’t help that he keeps pressuring me.  I’ve tried talking to him about how I’m feeling and his response is one of anger and denial that there should be any reason for me to feel the way I do.  He accuses me of being in rebellion against him and God and of breaking my marriage vows to him because I don’t want to have sex with him.  He accuses me of being unforgiving.  Since he’s always denied ever having done anything harmful to our relationship, I’m not sure what he thinks I’m unforgiving about.  When I ask him what he feels I haven’t forgiven him for, he has no answer.  He tells me that y not having sex with him, I’m driving him to adultery, although he claims he hasn’t committed adultery yet.  He puts it out there as a threat hanging over me.
 
I would love to have sex restored to our marriage, but I can no longer emotionally handle sex with an abusive husband who is in denial about it.  How have others of you handled this in your relationship with your BPD spouse/partner?

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[Notwendy]

I can understand your feelings and I don't have a good solution to this. I can tell you mine though.

It was a huge disappointment when sex became a difficult issue in my marriage. For me, emotional bonding is an essential aspect to intimacy and not having that ( along with raging and criticism in the bedroom ) makes it hard to want to be intimate.

I did a lot of reading about sex in marriage and while I don't like to stereotype people, I did come across the idea that- women tend to feel connected emotionally through talking and men feel connected through sex. Sex is connecting for both,  but it is kind of chicken and egg. We want to feel connected emotionally - then have sex and for me, having sex allows them to feel connected emotionally.

This was an impasse. I needed the talking, he needed the sex- but the talking was the challenge. Talking about anything emotional often didn't go well. Sex or no sex, I wasn't going to get that. I realized that- if there was no sex, then the one and only possible way my H might try to connect to me would be completely cut off.

I was not at the point of wanting to leave the marriage and so recognized that if I cut off all means of connection, then, there would be no hope of things getting better. I also think that, if someone is to be married, cutting off sex really leaves them in a bind- emotionally and biologically. He isn't going to lose his sex drive or need for connection with you just because you won't have sex with him. How does one stay faithful to their marriage vows and ignore their own needs? I didn't think it was right to do that to a spouse.

I will be clear- you are not obligated to do things you don't want to do. This is your heart, mind and body and you should not allow anyone to do something to you that you don't want. However, you may want to think about the impact of your feelings on the potential direction you want your marriage to go if you wish to try to stay together.  It isn't just about a biological drive, but the fact that not having sex with him cuts off a pathway for him to feel connected to you. Clearly, there needs to be more than this to repair a marriage - counseling, personal counseling for you if he won't go, but for me the idea of agreeing to sex while you work on repairing things seemed  less damaging overall to waiting until things are better to have sex.

[Bnonymous]

Hi amazingcharis,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think notwendy is spot on about the chicken-and-egg of it.

I haven't been through this with my current (BPD) boyfriend, but I did go through it in my marriage (my ex-h doesn't have BPD). In fact, I think it is the biggest factor in why the marriage ended. He needed sex to feel close and could only face talking after sex; I needed talking to feel close and could only face sex after talking. Sadly, we didn't manage to break that impasse and the marriage came to an end.

Like notwendy, I tried to break it by agreeing to sex when I didn't really want to. But, for me, this was disastrous. I resented him for it. I resented myself for it. And he picked up on this, so felt rejected when we did have sex as well as when we didn't. Every sexual experience between us, instead of drawing us closer, banged another nail into the coffin of our marriage.

I suspect that, with an issue like this, it's possible that the best way to work through it is to work on other issues first. Can you identify the reasons for your aversion? For example, if you feel pressured, are there any ways to take that pressure off? If  you feel angry and resentful towards him, are there any (constructive) ways to express and work through that anger and resentment? If you feel that you can't trust him anymore, are there any ways you can build trust between you? You might find that, if you resolve or improve some of the underlying issues, the aversion might pass.

Much of this depends on him, unfortunately. If he can't accept any responsibility for how the things he does impact on you and your marriage, then it is likely to be very difficult to work through them.

Notwendy is correct that this is cutting off a pathway for the two of you to feel connected. Maybe one thing you could do is search for other pathways to walk together? Are there other things you could do that might make him feel close to you? For example, could you spend time on mutually enjoyable activities (walks, movies, sports, gardening, whatever works for the two of you)? And how do you feel about non-sexual forms of physical affection, such as hugs? Are you averse to these too? Or does he make it difficult to express affection physically by taking any kind of touching as an opening for sex?

It's a difficult situation and very understandable. I can't have sex with someone unless I feel emotionally close to them and free from pressure - to do so would be damaging to me and to the relationship. If you feel that strongly, then you're right to continue to refuse. If you feel less strongly, it might be worth considering notwendy's suggestion - try agreeing to sex and see if it improves anything. It really depends on how strong this aversion is and where it is rooted.

[Notwendy]

I also did the "keep the peace" sex when I didn't want to and it was detrimental to me to do this. This was before the rages and verbal abuse stopped and I was doing it to try to avoid them. I would not recommend having sex when you don't want to at all out of fear or peace keeping. This will lead to resentment.

The decision to keep sex in the marriage was more of a becoming willing to, rather than a denial of feelings of not wanting to. The verbal abuse/rages had stopped. I had to consider if I wanted to end the marriage or stay married. I see cutting off sex as doing serious damage to the marriage and if I truly felt that way, it was a form of ending it. It puts the other person in a bind- stay faithful to a sexless marriage or cheat.

Marriage is a strange predicament. One one hand, it's a person's body, their choice- but that choice also affects another person if we have made the commitment to be monogamous.

I also have had personal counseling, marital counseling and 12 step co-dependency groups to help me work on both the marriage and myself. With the MC we worked on keeping sex in the marriage but also the ability to say no, and not say "yes" when you mean no. The in between was "willing".  We may not have the desire but are we willing to be a participant in this at the moment. I could get to willing- but that doesn't mean saying "yes" when you mean "no" at times.

I had a very wise MC who worked mostly on me, didn't put my H on the spot for much, but I was the one who was motivated to have change. We can't change another person but sometimes working on ourselves- our own emotional growth- can bring improvement in our relationships by how we relate in them.

[Bnonymous]

Excellent distinction, notwendy! "Willingness" is a really useful concept here.

I was struggling to express what I meant in my final paragraph - this captures it perfectly.

Notwendy said "It puts the other person in a bind- stay faithful to a sexless marriage or cheat."

It's worth noting that this isn't necessarily the case - there is a third way *IF* both parties are comfortable with it and that is to try an "open marriage" arrangement where the partner who wants sex can seek it elsewhere with their spouse's agreement. At the very end, as a kind of Hail Mary last-ditch attempt to save the marriage, me and ex-h tried this. It didn't work for us because he didn't want sex per se; he wanted sex with ME... .

But that is only something to consider if both parties are genuinely comfortable with it - it would likely be very harmful if not. It may not be something you are willing to consider, amazingcharis and I'm not suggesting it, just pointing out that it's a third-way option for some couples (though perhaps not most).

It doesn't sound like it would be helpful in your particular situation anyway, as it sounds as though the issues that led to your aversion are the biggest problems here, rather than the aversion itself.