I need help

[Pcan]

Hello I’ve been married to a BP for 11 years and I’ve endured just about everything except physical abuse I need the strength to get out

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Pcan,




Have you definitely decided that "getting out" is what you want to do? Leaving a relationship with a pwBPD can be difficult in all sorts of ways, but, if that is what you want, you will receive a lot of advice and support from members here on how to do it in a way that best protects you and minimises fall-out.

Can you tell us more about your situation? Are you living together currently? Do you have any kids?

[Enabler]

Hey Pcan,

Welcome to bpdfamily. 11 years is a long time and by the sounds of things you've suffered a lot. The Family has a wealth of knowledge and experience and I am sure we can help you work through the situation.

Would you be able to provide the board some more information around where you've been, and where you're at now. The more information you can provide the better the picture we will have and better we can tailor any discussions.

Please take a look at some of the articles in the Tips and Tools drop downs above, there's tons of information to help you understand your situation better such that you can make awesome choices.

Sometimes slowing down and considering the choices and paths in front of us is the best thing to do, other times it's totally the right thing to do to act quickly and decisively. It's 'better' that you are physically safe, however, I am sure you'll agree that it's no less torturous being mentally abused. I look forward to working with you.

Enabler

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you reached out for help. 

As Bnonymous said, leaving a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) can be challenging.   I moved your thread to the Bettering board because this is the board where we most frequently learn and use tools that can make things better for us.  Sometimes those things can improve the relationship but really it is about helping us in difficult circumstances which is important whether you are planning to leave or want to stay.

So I hope you settle in, read, jump into other posts and just make yourself comfortable here.  We can help you as you decide when and how you want to leave.

[Pcan]

Thank you all for reaching out.
We have a 9 year old daughter together which loves him to death. The bulk of our relationship has been about helping him through his drug abuse. Of course I was going to be the one to save him. His angel he would call me. Needless to say a huge enabler. This year tho has been different in the sense that since he opened a store in April. He has been spending most of his time there.
A few months ago I found out he has been talking to (hanging out) with some girl 1/2 his age. (He’s 43 she’s 21) and ala though he has told me he will cut ties with her he still hasn’t and the distance between us has grown.
I am torn to pieces. Dealing with major depression and anxiety over the inevitable split and how this will affect my baby.
Holidays making it so much harder

[Bnonymous]

Hi Pcan,

What's the situation regarding the drug abuse now? Is he still using or is he in recovery?

I'm sorry you're dealing with depression and anxiety. You say "the inevitable split" - can you tell us more about how you feel it's inevitable? Do you mean that you can't see any other way to go forward? Would you want to save the relationship if you could find ways to do that?

[Pcan]

Hi.

He has been seeing a therapist on and off for several years. Still has relapses about once a quarter at times more often. This has caused me to constantly be on top of checking on him, causing us to fight a lot because of it. The trust is a big issue.

The straw that broke the camels back is the situation with the girl. I feel disrespected and hurt. Therapist is suggesting separation even if temporary and he’s on board. My denial is causing the depression and anxiety but at the end of the day, it does make sense. Although for me It’s hard to accept because i took my vows seriously. Considering medication for the depression in hopes I’m better able to cope

[Bnonymous]

Hi Pcan,

I can understand how you'd feel hurt and disrespected. What's the nature of his relationship with this girl, do you know? It sounds as though it's crossed lines for you anyway (and your feelings matter here).

It seems you have mixed feelings about a separation: You say it's your denial that is causing your depression and anxiety, but also that the therapist's suggestion of a (perhaps temporary) separation makes sense to you. Can you tell us more about that? Does it feel like the right thing for you in the circumstances or are you unsure?