not being taken seriously by my UBPD wife's family

[Ruskin]

Hey friends

(I guess soon i should graduate to the ended relationship board, but i know the few that know me will be on this board,)

Well two weeks in to the separation from my UBPD wife.  Those that know my story, W has a diagnosis of ptsd but showed almost all the traits of BPD and some.
(Marriage of 9 years and a tremendous amount of typical BPD type traits and behaviour)

We separated around 2 weeks ago after an ultimatum of her going to the doctor, for her better to lose husband than have her mental health under the spot light.

Earlier in the quest for getting my W help, she enlisted her sister in her defence, kind of like "run everything past my sister" and she gets the final say... .  Jeez why do we find ourselves in these circumstances, well i put a huge effort in trying to explain things to the sister, obviously to no avail.  Its the typical story of the FAO not really being able to accept the thought that something is not right with their family member.  This is despite laying it out on the perverbial plate.  Now i should say to begin with it Seemed like the sister was on my side, i thought there was a chance of through her we could of got her help, but in the most recent conversation, 1st after the two weeks since i moved out, its clear that the family loyalties have returned -- Which is understandable.

What i did not like was i got a completely mocking message, with comments like i walked out on her, i was effectively the bad one and that her sisters will be there for her (4 sisters in addition to my wife)

Its almost funny to hear that they will be there for her, as in fact they have abandoned her many times in the past (due in some cases to BPD type behavior from my W)  There has been many times where i have helped foster reconciliations with W and sisters knowing that they had got caught up in W BPD splitting.  The sisters had often cut of contact with her for years at a time due to not wanting to put up with issues.

But here we are i get a crappy message from one sister, and to be honest although it hurt me on some level (i'm here venting) i'm not really surprised the way the sister is to me and i don't really hold it against her -- (although some of the advice she gave my W did not always help and often made things worse).  I noted one other sister of W ignoring me too --- ok, fine again

Jeezz once your get to know more about BPD it's amazing how you can see the parallels with that other have gone through... .

So thats where i am.  Further down the road of knowing that no reconciliation is possible.  I will just be viewed by W and her sisters as a write off, they will blindly follow the view of a UBPD person.  i do wish the truth is shown one day, although i do know that it may never come to light.  I never put such energy and determination into anything in my life as i did to trying to be a good husband for my wife.  It feels like my lifes work, i tried but all i did got burned up bad, failed

Well time for me to concentrate on myself now, almost got some accommodation lined up for me finally, that will be a relief... .

I guess soon i should graduate to the ended relationship board, but i know the few that know me will be on this board,

wishing you a good evening
Ruskin

Fine,

[Cat Familiar]

It's frustrating to be painted black to friends and relatives, despite one's best efforts at being a good partner. I know from personal experience.

However, with families, as you understand, it's circling the wagons to "protect" their own. Certainly the sisters might have some awareness of the reality of the situation, as they've been dealing with her forever. But to expect them to come to your side is a bridge too far.

Likely some of the truth will be known, but you won't have the validation that you wish from her family. Blood is thicker than water. 

[defogging]

Cat is correct on this one.  Don't expect them to agree with you or be on your side... .ever.

I've gone through this.  In the past I reached out to my uBPDw's family for their assistance.  They agreed with me she needed help, we had discussions about how to approach her to get help, we decided uBPDw's mom should be the one to approach her about it, then... .nothing happened.  That was two years ago. uBPDw and her family still live in the drama triangle and try to draw me into it but I don't have much contact with her family at this point, by my choice.

The only thing you can do is stop caring about what her family thinks.  I'm currently in the middle of the biggest smear campaign I've ever been in.  I've exposed all her b.s. to my family through video/audio recordings and they're firmly on my side.  They hear her out and then tell me everything that's being said about me.  I'm certain she is smearing me to her family as well, but I couldn't give two $hits about that anymore.

Take care of YOU, and leave the crazy people to deal with each other.  Hopefully you have a support system you can lean on to get you through it.  Best wishes to you.

[Red5]

Yes Brother Ruskin, the above comments are quite correct, "blood is thicker than water"... .or else, the "ink" on the marriage certificate.

The foo will back the pw/BPD (npd) every single time, and will buy into, lock stock and barrel;  everything the pw/BPD (npd) tells them, even though its been rewritten more times than the King James Version... .

And I will add, even after pw/BPD (npd) has been 'abusive' to the foo, several times, over the years, many incidents of dysfunction... they will still come to her rescue... .amazing to watch... .but it is happening.

Best to let it all go, and just take care of yourself.

Distance yourself from it, sometimes easier said than done, as I am finding our right now for myself... .

Tough stuff my Brother, I'm going through the exact same thing right now too, in real time!

p.s.

I guess soon i should graduate to the ended relationship board, but i know the few that know me will be on this board,

Hey, you can make a pit stop with me on the "detaching board" first ; )

I'll save you a place at supper !

Hang in there, Red5

[Ruskin]

It's frustrating to be painted black to friends and relatives, despite one's best efforts at being a good partner. I know from personal experience.

Thanks Cat, yes the family bond is quite something.  I'm heading across to see mine this Christmas, which i'm looking forward to.
Ruskin

[Ruskin]

Cat is correct on this one.  Don't expect them to agree with you or be on your side... .ever.

I've gone through this.  In the past I reached out to my uBPDw's family for their assistance.  They agreed with me she needed help, we had discussions about how to approach her to get help, we decided uBPDw's mom should be the one to approach her about it, then... .nothing happened.  That was two years ago. uBPDw and her family still live in the drama triangle and try to draw me into it but I don't have much contact with her family at this point, by my choice.

The only thing you can do is stop caring about what her family thinks.  I'm currently in the middle of the biggest smear campaign I've ever been in.  I've exposed all her b.s. to my family through video/audio recordings and they're firmly on my side.  They hear her out and then tell me everything that's being said about me.  I'm certain she is smearing me to her family as well, but I couldn't give two $hits about that anymore.

Take care of YOU, and leave the crazy people to deal with each other.  Hopefully you have a support system you can lean on to get you through it.  Best wishes to you.

Hi Defogging thank you for your message and advice.  Sorry to hear of your issues, noted a few other threads of yours too.

Thanks for your advice, i'll work on that, i'm getting a bit more confident in my judgement and plans.  Yes i guess i am a bit niave to think that her family would trust my judgement over hers.

Looking to the future now, i know there may be plenty of stuff slung at me in coming months but time to look after myself, recover and self develop! 
thanks,
Ruskin

[Ruskin]

Distance yourself from it, sometimes easier said than done, as I am finding our right now for myself ... .

Tough stuff my Brother, I'm going through the exact same thing right now too, in real time!

p.s.
Hey, you can make a pit stop with me on the "detaching board" first ; )

I'll save you a place at supper !

Hang in there, Red5

Cheers for your words Red5, valued thank you.  I'll look out for you on the detaching board.

Hope life treating you a bit more fairly these days.  I'm having a catch up on the board today, ive been a bit ill the last few days, was infected with an annoying cold type bug, how annoying.

thanks
Ruskin

[Red5]

Hope life treating you a bit more fairly these days.  I'm having a catch up on the board today, ive been a bit ill the last few days, was infected with an annoying cold type bug, how annoying.

thanks
Ruskin

Being part Indian; Black Feet... .via dear old "absentee" Dad >: )

My "inner Indian" does call out to me now and again... .everything you've ever heard about Indians and alcohol is indeed true  !

So seeing as you are under the weather, .and the moderator may pull me 'aside' ... .but I'll share this... .

'Hot toddy'

... .A hot toddy, also known as hot whisky in Scotland, is typically a mixed drink made of liquor and water with honey, herbs and spices, and served hot. Hot toddy recipes vary and are traditionally drunk before retiring for the night, or in wet or cold weather. Some believe the drink relieves the symptoms of the cold and flu—in How to Drink, Victoria Moore describes the drink as "the vitamin C for health, the honey to soothe, the alcohol to numb." In recipes used to help with a cold, tea and honey are often used with lemon juice and whiskey... .

Don't know if you ever partake, but it sure does sound good to me

Cheers!, Red5