I'm back, Mom of adolescent with BPD

[Lea2000]

Hi again BPD family,
It's been a while and I had to re-register, but I have been here many times in the past.  At the worst of times, you were here for me like no one else could be.  Thank you!  
I tried to be there for others myself, though I am not sure I succeeded.
I'm back for both reasons.  I have been on this journey with my child for over 5 years.  So maybe I can help someone as I've been helped.  But there is no end to it, and I realize I also still need support.  We are entering a new phase as my child just turned 18.  I need to keep learning, honing my validation and mindfulness skills, and supporting my still struggling "baby."  Because no matter what, that's always going to be the most important thing to me - helping my child.  Thanks for being here!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hiya Lea2000   Welcome again

I'm glad you've jumped back in here with us for support.  What's happening for you and your DD as she turns 18? I'm sorry she is still struggling.

I need to keep learning, honing my validation and mindfulness skills, and supporting my still struggling "baby."  Because no matter what, that's always going to be the most important thing to me - helping my child.

This is it, I'm right there with you and parents here.

I'm guessing your daughter is living with you …. ?

WDx

[Lea2000]

Thank you Wendydarling -

Compared to 3-5 years ago, this is really mild.  We've been through the suicide plans, the cutting, the relentless blaming and verbal attacks - all on me since I'm a single parent (truly single.). So I almost feel guilty for writing anything at all.  But I feel a slide and want to catch it - so here goes.

My kid is newly on their own.  Well, I am supporting them, but they live on one side of the US and I just moved to the other.  I had a great job opportunity and they wanted to stay behind, had a best friend for a roommate even, so it all seemed perfect.  18 years old is a great time to learn independence.  I found them a cute apartment, I furnished it, gave them everything to have the chance to learn to make their own life.  We have been more harmonious than at any other time.  But I'm afraid the best friend is taking a lot of the heat now.  That relationship has completely deteriorated.  And the first long-distance fight has just happened between us, right before they are due to visit me for almost three weeks.  Now I'm nervous.  And sad, because I guess I thought - naively - that we had something dialed in that would prevent blowups.  But what we really had was space.  And my kid had a different person to blame.  I am not blameless in the fight, I reacted to the "attack" - I'm out of practice I suppose.  Then I felt justified for my anger.  I know that is not right.  It doesn't help at all.  But I did it.  I backed up after a day, texted some mixture of validation and apology for reacting - although sincere it didn't help.  I keep asking to speak live on the phone to clear things up.  We are on day 3 of nc and I know it's not much but it had been so good for months.  Daily supportive and fun texting and talking over Skype.  I feel jerked back into a reality I just can't live in any more.  And again, just really sad.  I miss having that connection.  It had been so long and I was really proud of both of us.  I want to trust - both my kid and myself.  My child has BPD, so this will always be just under the surface, a blast can happen any time.  This time it was a surprise and I feel knocked down.  I'm hoping for some advice on how to get back up and deal with the disappointment, how to get us back on level ground, how to better support my kid as we go through this inevitable down after the high.  And how to make the visit that starts next week a success, not a slide back into what was often a tough relationship.  Thank you.

[Only Human]

Welcome back, Lea2000 

Thanks for the reminder that we all need ongoing support. You said, "maybe I can help someone as I've been helped," and by posting you've helped me.

You've been knocked off the horse, but you've jumped right back on it, awesome   

How long until the planned visit?

~ OH

[Lea2000]

Thank you for the kind words OH.  I am a little sore but back on the horse!

THE VISIT (it's now become very large in my mind!) is in one week.
I have been trying to determine how best to prepare for it.  I think I'll make a list starting tomorrow so I can really decide where to focus - not much time to waste.  All advice is welcome!  I've read so much and taken courses, etc.  But as I said, and recently demonstrated, it's not like breathing - not for me at least.  I need "maintenance" and possibly an upgrade!

I realize it's just one relatively small time period, but it's in the midst of a lot of change for DD and I, and if it goes well, it could be so good for my kid, and for our relationship.  I want to go from sad and worried to excited and confident.

[once removed]

the visit is still on schedule in spite of the fight, do i have that right?

[Lea2000]

[the visit is still on schedule in spite of the fight, do i have that right?]

Yes once removed, the visit is still on, as far as I know.  The texts indicated that DD was angry with me, but not that they wanted to cancel the trip.  The refusal to call me to discuss is their way of punishing me (my interpretation.)

Also important to note, the trip is about more than seeing me.  Part of it is a side trip to where we used to live to connect with some family and friends.  I wonder if that were not included if they would simply refuse to come at all.
But then my gut reaction is - does that change what I need to do and say?
I think not.  I have an opportunity and I truly want to make the most of it to be a good mom and ally.  For DD and myself.  So game on!

[once removed]

what is it that happened with the fight?

[Lea2000]

what is it that happened with the fight?

Dear once removed,
Thanks for asking.  Here is the background:

I am selling our house and DD had until Friday evening to go through it and take anything left they wanted.  They had taken several loads over the past few months, but we both feared there may be things left and this was the last opportunity. 

They have no driver's license, no transportation, and not getting along with the roommate who does.  But they found a friend to help and they went Friday evening.  I had already sent details to them for storage shed to take things that wouldn't fit in their apartment but DD couldn't find it.  I said I'd send it again but I am at my parent's house to take my mom to have procedure at cardiologist - not totally having fun - and I forgot to resend. But that was only a small thing. 

DD got REALLY mad that I had left so many things for the estate sale.  We had a conversation about downsizing and letting go of things from the past.  I thought we were on the same page.  For example, I had been holding on to all of their little dresses, brownie vest, etc.  Things that don't apply any more as my kid has decided since age 13 that they don't fit either male or female gender - which is why I use neutral pronouns.  (This is called Transgender Non-Binary.). So I said to them a few weeks ago - "I feel maybe I'm being disrespectful by holding on to so many girlie things from your childhood.  Is it OK with you if I give those away?"  DD actually said "Yes and thank you!"  Great.  I kept neutral things like baby blankets, and also baby album and photo albums.  Just left the dresses behind in a closet to be taken for gift or sale.  So I didn't leave everything associated with DD, just the things I felt may not represent my child now and actually didn't make me feel all that comforted any more. 

On the call this past Friday when DD is very upset with me I tried to ask them to recall that conversation.  Of course - it never happened in their mind.  I was being cruel, insensitive, throwing everything away... .  Obviously I triggered fear of abandonment. 

Talking about it and then DD seeing it in person were two different things.  I should have been more patient and understanding of that.  But for me it felt like a blitz attack, in the middle of me taking care of elderly parents.  Wish I'd handled it better.  I tried to explain and also say they were welcome to ANYTHING there, but of course that wasn't the point.  It was a stressful situation and I was going to have to take the feelings DD was having. 

I'm hopeful that I can repair things.  I just have this fear that DD will go into NC, or try to anyway.  They are not financially independent but if they had someone to help them, I wonder what lengths they may go to.  Fear sucks the life out of you! 

Sounds trivial I guess, but me moving away, selling the house, downsizing, DD making new friends and losing old ones, it's all come to a boil and of course even though we have been really good and have talked through everything at each step - I will be to blame.  I don't want to be the whipping post, but I do desperately want to soothe my child and re-establish to good connection we had.

Thanks for helping.   

[once removed]

did she wind up being able to take what she wanted?

hopefully, it will blow over, and you can enjoy your time together.

do you plan to bring it up?