Starting to date again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone, I am returning to this community after about six weeks of successfully detaching and going no contact from my exwBPD. Over that time I decided to focus on my weekly therapy sessions (so much progress there) and decidedly 'non-BPD' stuff, which involved taking a break from this community. But now that I'm on firmer ground I want to reconnect with you all. My previous posts were on the detaching board, but I feel I have graduated to the lessons board

My goal is to share my progress, continue processing lessons learned, and get support as I move forward slowly in building new relationships, mending old ones, and developing a healthy perspective on my past. In doing so I hope to help others here who are suffering by sharing my experience, so they know they are not alone.

To jump right in, I've become confident enough to have some dates from a dating app, and I met a girl I like. I think we have chemistry and am interested in getting to know her better and see where it goes. On the first (and only so far) date I tried to kiss her after a few drinks and lots of chemistry, and she said she doesn't kiss on the first date. I feel lucky about her saying that, because it slowed things down -- I am not even sure I am ready for physical intimacy beyond a kiss. Our schedules have prevented us from seeing each other for several weeks, which I feel has bought me some time. I think part of the reason I'm attracted to this woman is that on our first date and subsequent texting -- we've been texting almost daily  -- she has been consistent, careful, and not in a rush, but also warm, open, honest, and thoughtful. Maybe being through BPD hell finally taught me what I need and want in a relationship.

But tonight is our second date, and I'm pretty nervous. I keep imagining what will happen if we end up back at her place. Will I fall apart and become overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and pain and end up crying? The last time I was intimate with anyone was with my ex and that was the last time I saw her, in May. I've never gone this long before (6 months; I have always had a very high libido) but something inside feels broken, and sex and intimacy, instead of being connected to love and caring, feels more associated with addiction, jealousy, control, manipulation, futility, confusion, grief, emptiness and, in the end, failure and detachment.

I shouldn't overthink it, let time continue to heal me, enjoy getting to know her better and focus on her the person, knowing I probably won't get 'lucky' anyway and it's up to me how close I want to let myself be to her?

[atalosstoaccept]

Hi everyone, I am returning to this community after about six weeks of successfully detaching and going no contact from my exwBPD. Over that time I decided to focus on my weekly therapy sessions (so much progress there) and decidedly 'non-BPD' stuff, which involved taking a break from this community. But now that I'm on firmer ground I want to reconnect with you all. My previous posts were on the detaching board, but I feel I have graduated to the lessons board

My goal is to share my progress, continue processing lessons learned, and get support as I move forward slowly in building new relationships, mending old ones, and developing a healthy perspective on my past. In doing so I hope to help others here who are suffering by sharing my experience, so they know they are not alone.

To jump right in, I've become confident enough to have some dates from a dating app, and I met a girl I like. I think we have chemistry and am interested in getting to know her better and see where it goes. On the first (and only so far) date I tried to kiss her after a few drinks and lots of chemistry, and she said she doesn't kiss on the first date. I feel lucky about her saying that, because it slowed things down -- I am not even sure I am ready for physical intimacy beyond a kiss. Our schedules have prevented us from seeing each other for several weeks, which I feel has bought me some time. I think part of the reason I'm attracted to this woman is that on our first date and subsequent texting -- we've been texting almost daily  -- she has been consistent, careful, and not in a rush, but also warm, open, honest, and thoughtful. Maybe being through BPD hell finally taught me what I need and want in a relationship.

But tonight is our second date, and I'm pretty nervous. I keep imagining what will happen if we end up back at her place. Will I fall apart and become overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and pain and end up crying? The last time I was intimate with anyone was with my ex and that was the last time I saw her, in May. I've never gone this long before (6 months; I have always had a very high libido) but something inside feels broken, and sex and intimacy, instead of being connected to love and caring, feels more associated with addiction, jealousy, control, manipulation, futility, confusion, grief, emptiness and, in the end, failure and detachment.

I shouldn't overthink it, let time continue to heal me, enjoy getting to know her better and focus on her the person, knowing I probably won't get 'lucky' anyway and it's up to me how close I want to let myself be to her?

[once removed]

good to see you back and diving into the lessons, aalta!

I keep imagining what will happen if we end up back at her place. Will I fall apart and become overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and pain and end up crying?

do you mean if you have sex, or just if you go over to her place?

[Insom]

Hi, atalosstoaccept.     Welcome to the Learning board.

How did things go last night?

[atalosstoaccept]

Thanks for the replies Insom and once removed!

good to see you back and diving into the lessons, aalta!

do you mean if you have sex, or just if you go over to her place?

if we have sex. but as you can read below I kept it together  

Hi, atalosstoaccept.     Welcome to the Learning board.

How did things go last night?

We got to know each other better over drinks. We talked about why we like each other. I really liked that she stable, warm, honest, confident, and is careful with relationships. We even (very briefly) touched on my ex - I basically just said I was in a very 'crazy' relationship that lasted about 1 1/2 years. I heard the magic words 'I am not into drama or emotional rollercoasters' so that really put her on my good side. Although I don't know her too well, I feel she is almost the opposite to my ex and that makes me feel more safe around her. 

Even though she said she only wanted to have one or two drinks, she suggested we order a bottle of wine after already having a glass, and she invited me back to her place and we had sex. I then left and came back home.

Today other than being hungover I was pretty nervous about it as it was the first time since my exwBPD 6 months ago. I texted her and it took her a while to text back, but I was happy when I heard back from her. I feel the sex happened earlier in the dating than I expected, but I was relieved that it felt nice and I was mostly focused on her and enjoyed it. I would have preferred it happened more naturally as opposed to after so much to drink. I'm trying not to overthink it though and let things unfold naturally.

One thing she said that stuck with me was that she doesn't have a problem letting a relationship go if it's not working. She seems very mature, but I don't want to put her on a pedestal either. One thing is she makes more money than I do and I wonder if I can keep up with her lifestyle and if we have enough in common. We definitely have chemistry.

All in all it went well and I feel it was a step towards healing from what happened in the last relationship. I'm glad she texted back today. I think we will see each other next weekend (during the week has proven a bit tough and like I said it's one time in my life I'm happy to take it real slow in a relationship).

[gotbushels]

atalosstoaccept   

Will I fall apart and become overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and pain and end up crying?

if we have sex. but as you can read below I kept it together  

Following on from the discussion with once removed, I think it's good on you that you kept it together.    I think that's a big deal and you can be proud of that. Moreover, none of the things you feared seemed to happen either.

[... .] feels broken, and sex and intimacy, instead of being connected to love and caring, feels more associated with addiction, jealousy, control, manipulation, futility, confusion, grief, emptiness and, in the end, failure and detachment.

I didn't read one of those issues from what you wrote--I think you can be proud that none of this actually happened with this recent intimacy you experienced. Yes, there seems to be quite a bit of fragility in what you mentioned, but that's different from those things you listed that you seemed afraid of.   

I would have preferred it happened more naturally as opposed to after so much to drink.

Yes, a lot of us do!

I'm trying not to overthink it though and let things unfold naturally.

Good advice to your self. I try to follow this myself to some extent, so I'm with you here.


Good on you, and I hope you're enjoying your peace.   

[atalosstoaccept]

gotbushels  

Following on from the discussion with once removed, I think it's good on you that you kept it together.    I think that's a big deal and you can be proud of that. Moreover, none of the things you feared seemed to happen either.I didn't read one of those issues from what you wrote--I think you can be proud that none of this actually happened with this recent intimacy you experienced. Yes, there seems to be quite a bit of fragility in what you mentioned, but that's different from those things you listed that you seemed afraid of.  

Thank you for saying that. I am proud that I gave myself time to heal and process what happened and fought the urge to become bitter and resentful. I learned it's just not in my nature.

Yes, a lot of us do!

Hehe, it's nice to hear, we're all human and don't always do everything just like we would have wanted right?   

I think I'm the kind of person that is constantly worried I screwed up or am not doing things right. It's something I've been working through in therapy and has origins in my childhood experiences. I told my therapist that I think everything is my fault, and my ex thinks nothing is her fault, and my therapist was like 'a perfect match!'  

Good on you, and I hope you're enjoying your peace.  

Thank you, indeed I am enjoying it. I still feel a lot of insecurity, but mostly I'm so grateful I made it through what at many times I didn't think I was going to. It's scary what an affect these kinds of relationships can have on us, and sad to think it's happening all the time... .

[once removed]

Although I don't know her too well, I feel she is almost the opposite to my ex and that makes me feel more safe around her. 

what, at first, did you like about your ex?

[atalosstoaccept]

what, at first, did you like about your ex?

I liked that she wanted to talk about really philosophical things, like the meaning of a movie we saw, or about psychological compatibility and opened up about her current and other relationships. It was very intense and intimate emotionally, and I felt I had a lot to offer her to 'rescue' her from her current relationship. She shared so much with me, and it felt so natural texting with her for hours and guiding her through her breakdowns and crisis with her boyfriend at the time.

So I guess I felt powerful, useful, wise and helpful. I was not in a very good place at the time, getting over an infatuation and drinking too much, wondering where my next job would take me. It was intoxicating to be along for all of the drama in her life, and at the same time I felt like I was doing good by helping her get away from her current bf, who she kept saying was a hermit and didn't pay attention to her.

My therapist mentioned to me it seemed like I was competitive, always looking for someone who was a challenge. It's not a pretty picture, but I do see how previous relationships were a pattern of trying to fix someone or 'attain' someone difficult. I'm still trying to sort through that and am very conscious of it now. I am trying to find someone who makes me feel loved and secure, and who I can trust. Looking back, I don't think my ex ever really made me feel loved or cared for, if I really thought about it. I feel the jury is still out on whether the girl I'm seeing now does that for me, but it's only been two dates so I should give her a chance? 

[Insom]

Hey, thanks for the check-in, atalosstoaccept.  It sounds like you had a fun night out. 

I feel the jury is still out on whether the girl I'm seeing now does that for me, but it's only been two dates so I should give her a chance?

So, how do you feel with the girl you're seeing now?

[atalosstoaccept]

Hey, thanks for the check-in, atalosstoaccept.  It sounds like you had a fun night out. 

So, how do you feel with the girl you're seeing now?

I feel... .impatient. I was diagnosed with ADHD but I wonder if the impulsivity and impatience have more to do with emotional disregulation stemming from my sensitivity and traumatic childhood (reading a book called Emotional Intensity and Sensitivity which is quite an eye opener).

Back to how I feel with her. I feel anxious when she doesn't give me immediate validation or feedback when we are apart (most of the time, it's only been two dates... .). It's like I want to say 'let's get on with it cause I'm not getting any younger here!'. But I bring the impatience to the table and trying to keep it at bay given it's role in poor relationship choices previously. Plus, she has been up front that she is busy and worries she doesn't have enough time for a relationship, so it's something that is out in the open.

When I'm around her I feel paid attention to and important. I also feel at ease and not judged. When I found a non-existent bar on my phone and led us to it, she was like 'hey no big deal' which made me feel nice. I'm not sure I feel all that cared about, but I think it's natural after only two dates maybe. I also feel relief she shows zero signs of BPD, just a healthy sort of self-confidence and self-protectiveness and caution.

[once removed]

stable, warm, honest, confident, and is careful with relationships
... .
really philosophical things, like the meaning of a movie we saw, or about psychological compatibility

these are all attractive qualities in a new partner, and make for initial chemistry. its good to emphasize what you like in a person, not just what you want to avoid, as well. you make some direct comparisons between the two; remember that this girl and your ex are very different people. the fact that, or ways in which, she isnt like your ex, are not necessarily ideal reasons to date her. im probably not like your ex either  

It was very intense and intimate emotionally,

i think a lot of us equate the two. intensity can happen right off the bat. and that can be a sign of short term chemistry. intimacy is something that is slowly built over time, over trial and error, over a series of relationship stages.

I was not in a very good place at the time, getting over an infatuation and drinking too much,
... .
a bottle of wine after already having a glass, and she invited me back to her place and we had sex.

be careful, aalta. there may be old coping mechanisms at play here. think this through.

[atalosstoaccept]

these are all attractive qualities in a new partner, and make for initial chemistry. its good to emphasize what you like in a person, not just what you want to avoid, as well. you make some direct comparisons between the two; remember that this girl and your ex are very different people. the fact that, or ways in which, she isnt like your ex, are not necessarily ideal reasons to date her. im probably not like your ex either  

Thanks for helping me keep perspective. I have to be patient but also realistic and remind myself I'll be ok no matter how this particular relationship turns out.

i think a lot of us equate the two. intensity can happen right off the bat. and that can be a sign of short term chemistry. intimacy is something that is slowly built over time, over trial and error, over a series of relationship stages.

I hadn't thought about it that way. but do you mean intimacy is something that *should* be built slowly over time, or can *only* be built slowly over time? sorry to get pedantic on you, but I want to really understand the distinction you're making.

be careful, aalta. there may be old coping mechanisms at play here. think this through.

there you go once, ruining all my fun

seriously though, your point is well taken and the irony not lost on me. the biggest worry I have is that her and I have been intoxicated on most of our first two dates. I tried to make the second date more daytime and wholesome but she canceled it saying she had a cold. I'm hoping the third date will be more sober... .

[once removed]

can *only* be built slowly over time?

that. i met my very best friend to this day, on my first day of sixth grade. we hit it off from the start, clicked, and never looked back. but we did not start off with the friendship or closeness that we have today. we didnt even have that a couple of years later.

relationships move in stages. you can spend a day/night with a person, talk from sun up until sun down, share your whole life story, feel super comfortable (thats how a lot of us felt about our exes). not really know them. not have real intimacy or trust. those things are tested, honed, refined, forged, or broken for that matter, over a long period of time.

there you go once, ruining all my fun

no judgment. just keeping it real on the Learning board ;)

I'm hoping the third date will be more sober... .

its not a bad idea... .dates over drinks arent a bad thing, necessarily, any more than dates over coffee. they lower our inhibitions, they can be a crutch, and those things can be double edged swords.

[atalosstoaccept]

that. i met my very best friend to this day, on my first day of sixth grade. we hit it off from the start, clicked, and never looked back. but we did not start off with the friendship or closeness that we have today. we didnt even have that a couple of years later.

that's a great story, you must feel very lucky to have a friend like that  

its not a bad idea... .dates over drinks arent a bad thing, necessarily, any more than dates over coffee. they lower our inhibitions, they can be a crutch, and those things can be double edged swords.

dating reminds me of what my ex told me she did in the couple months during which she cut things off for good (have several one night stands, an affair with a married person, sleep around until finding a suitable next partner to move on with and show off to friends and coworkers and tell me he doesn't trigger her like i constantly did). like she did it all way faster and more intensely than me... .she even told me once that it was not a competition, when I wondered how she could move on so quickly. my therapist told me i eventually will have to stop 'boycotting' things because they remind me of her. dating is a big one.

i do wish she hadn't told me all those things but i guess it's not the things that she did that hurt me, or even that she told me, but the way that i had begun to think about life, as though prevailing in the relationship with her was the key to my survival. i'm a sensitive and empathetic person, and I picked up on her pulling away constantly and made my own miserable attempts at getting away (it was long distance after all, with plenty of crazy breakups and 'breaks'), but nothing like the way she dropped me and went full on and directly into casual sex with multiple partners and a whole new relationship. at that point i felt destroyed and like she had vanquished me in our epic struggle over who was right.  looking back it was so pointless, and i feel such shame for devoting that much energy to such a childish and misguided dynamic. i've been working on forgiving myself and not constantly re-hashing it and doing post-mortem after post-mortem.

it's these memories that haunt me as I try to do things that remind me of her. going on 7 months since seeing her and still think about her all the time, to be honest. it's just that it doesn't hurt me nearly as much. i hope i will stop thinking about her soon.

[once removed]

she even told me once that it was not a competition

it isnt. other peoples success or failure has no bearing on us. i had some of that going on too, though. with my next relationship i had major expectations that it be successful. it wasnt. most wont be.

my therapist told me i eventually will have to stop 'boycotting' things because they remind me of her. dating is a big one.

thats wise advice from your therapist. its good to be gentle, not take on too much too soon, but generally, the sooner we can go to those old haunts, restaurants, listen to those old songs, all that stuff, the better.

its really hard not to compare a new relationship to the last. probably impossible, on a lot of levels. but you want to make sure the best thing about a new partner is "she isnt my ex". focus on getting to know her as a person better... .invest in what you like about her.

i've been working on forgiving myself and not constantly re-hashing it and doing post-mortem after post-mortem.

i dont know how far we get with forgiving ourselves. we got into and stayed in relationships that met us where we were at. there are lessons we can learn going forward that we can take into new relationships and other areas of our lives that will take us far. my own narrative/post mortem of what happened in my relationship evolved many times over the years. it all looks pretty simple now. i get why it broke down. i see that i was very immature, we both were. today im at peace with it, but i can still learn lessons from it to this day.

it's these memories that haunt me as I try to do things that remind me of her. going on 7 months since seeing her and still think about her all the time, to be honest. it's just that it doesn't hurt me nearly as much. i hope i will stop thinking about her soon.

things may not yet be resolved, but they can be.

a member once compared the post mortem to when a football team watches their old games. its the same premise. theres a lot to be learned. i might suggest opening a new (separate) thread, laying things out, and getting some feedback on it. others might have some input to offer that helps with perspective.

[atalosstoaccept]

a member once compared the post mortem to when a football team watches their old games. its the same premise. theres a lot to be learned. i might suggest opening a new (separate) thread, laying things out, and getting some feedback on it. others might have some input to offer that helps with perspective.

Thanks once. I will open a new thread soon.

By the way, the girl I had sex with on the second date is no longer responding. But I accept it. One of the big lessons I already learned from my BPD relationship is how important it is to let things go, especially when they don't make sense and are beyond our control. It was nice getting to know her and even if I never hear from her again, I do wish her the best  

[once removed]

something may have come up, aalta. its good that you didnt flood her or chase.

[gotbushels]

By the way, the girl I had sex with on the second date is no longer responding. But I accept it.

In a twist, atalosstoaccept accepts.   

One of the big lessons I already learned from my BPD relationship is how important it is to let things go, especially when they don't make sense and are beyond our control.

Yes! Knowing to let go on what, with whom, and how--it's not always easy, so good on you for making this choice.

It was nice getting to know her and even if I never hear from her again, I do wish her the best  

I think your attitude here is a good one to have. I agree with once removed and support that you didn't flood or chase (too much).