My wife has BPD and I believe intimacy anorexia

[kevinwr102258]

This is my first post.  I have been married for a little over 2 yrs and believe my wife has BPD as well as other issues.  We have gone through 3 counselors of which she quit all of them.  She accuses of silly things like hiding her glasses and then rages.  Another favorite tactic is silent treatment where she will go to the spare bedroom and come and go from there for days without saying a word to me.  I think she is also intimacy anorexia as I believe she would be happy staying isolated and just come out say on the weekend.  I am wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[johnnyutah]

I am new to this and wish I had more advice. Your story is very similar to mine. Hopefully you find some helpful advice on here. I will be interested to see what people have to say about your situation.Good luck!

[RolandOfEld]

Hi and welcome to the board! 

Yes I myself could tick most of those boxes and I'm sure most of the members here could, too. You will find a very supportive and understanding community here.

My first suggestion to get the best out of the board is to post on other threads to get more context on your own situation.

How did you come to the BPD realization? Have any of the counselors mentioned BPD to either you or her?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[esmerelda72]

Hi
I can completely get that.  My BPD gf is like a river of lover and then a cracked dry desert.  and i dont know when its coming or when its triggered.  I have gotten used to (but dont like the fact) that we could make love intensely cosmically and deeply in the evening and she cant even cuddle me when we awake in the morning.   Currently we are having major issues because she says me wanting a little snippet of time together as a couple, apart from all the busyness that comes with family, kids (hers) and life is too much.  that i am too demanding.  its like she craves intimacy with me, gets it deeply and then runs as far away from me and it as possible.  i also believe that she uses her 'mothering' as a shield not to deepen intimacy with me (her daughter sleeps in our bed and when i raise this as an impact she categorically refuses to see how that impacts).

so i suppose what i am saying is that i wish i had an answer to this for you, but i just dont.  i find myself craving and hungry for little bits of her time and then chastises for asking her for a date (which she never comes on).  im navigating myself through a daily mind field with her and slowly recognising that less and less my most basic needs get met.

its a sad situation to find yourself in a relationship that has a few amazing highs that seem to keep me hooked, and lots of lows and roller coastering that absolutely mess with my own head andwell being. time  to make a choice.

[kevinwr102258]

someone asked me how I knew she was BPD, at least two of the three counselors told me that she was BPD with also some other issues like attachment avoidance, and paranoid.  Now I am going through the divorce process which is painful in itself but in my research the common theme is BPD divorce is extremely painful.  My wife is passive aggressive which makes it all the harder to move on.  In North Carolina you have to be separated for a year before you can get divorced and my wife / her attorney is basically saying "we will get back to you soon" on their response to the settlement statement but that has been months ago.  You can't confront them because that may feed them and give them what they want, plus you don't want to get into legal problems for harassment.  So that leaves you helpless and waiting for the process to crawl its way through the court system.