Keeping me at a distance: wants to see me but won’t

[Jbombjas]

I’m posing this on a new post... .hope it’s not a rule breaker but is a new topic maybe some other have experience with or might help someone someday... .

So after tons of back and forth and anger with the guy I have met, yesterday was finally peaceful and pleasant. But I’m bewildered again. We spoke over FaceTime and had a nice talk. Said we were going to meet up. He told me to tell him when I was ready. He told me he had to clean up and then he’d get back to me. He would check in on me and see if I was available every hour or so for a few hours. His last text mentioned how much fun we were going to have very soon together. It was all very sweet and special. And then he just disappeared. What happened? Was it just too much emotionally for him? He has done this a few times to me. But not in such a pleasant manner. But just kinda flaked after showing immediate and definite impulsive interest in seeing me. I see he is keeping me at a distance. Why is this so you think? Will this change?  Will he ever meet up with me? Is it too overwhelming for him or is he playing games. He mentioned at one point I’m a bit unpredictable and he’s trying to control the situation. I’m thinking he’s scared of what will happen. And fearful of the intensity, future and emotions. It overwhelms him. But will this ever change? I just don’t get it or know what to do.i don’t quite understand the reaction. But maybe I do. Can anyone help me understand it or have experience with the same situation in Datong someone like this.

We have had our interactions. You can read about them on my posts BPD and blocking if you want but just confused on this type of behavior in itself for now.

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[Bnonymous]

Hi Jbombjas 

I can sure see why you're confused.

Unfortunately, none of us can know for sure why he's blowing hot and cold like this. I would guess there's probably some truth to your guesses about it. People with BPD can switch pretty quickly from fears of abandonment to fears of engulfment, so they quite often do a bit of a push-pull thing. I wonder if his own enthusiasm for the meeting scared him a little, made him feel vulnerable? Alternatively, something might have happened to trigger him into withdrawing, either between you or in his own life.

His last text mentioned how much fun we were going to have very soon together. It was all very sweet and special. And then he just disappeared.

He may well have felt that he was putting himself out there, showing a bit of his heart, and so may have felt quite vulnerable. If you didn't reply quickly enough or with enough reciprocation (in his head) then he may have felt rejected and then retreated. pwBPD can be triggered like this by the tiniest of things, so we nons often can't put our finger on what actually happened to cause the change and feel like it came out of nowhere.

What was the last thing you said to him and how long did you take to reply to his last text?

[Jbombjas]

I replied immediately. He said he was thinking about how much fun we were going to have together and I said yes with prayer hands as a reply. I waited a few hours and texted him briefly again asking if it was time to get together but he never replied. There was nothing I did. I don’t think. Yes maybe he just felt pressure. One of his texts checking on me said how are you doing and I said waiting patiently. He replied with a frown and said he was sorry to make me wait. But he still kept texting. And on our call I said I wanted to see him and he said we were working up to that. It’s just so confusing to me. You say you want to see me and then backtrack and make me wait and say we are working up to it and then disappear. I don’t know what to do but I imagine it hasn’t been the right thing yet again.

[Yellowpearl]

Hey! Just wanted to say I’m going through something very similar I was blocked and unblocked and last week, once we started talking again after NC for 2 months, I gave an apology for things that happened before NC, he was excited to hear from me. He apologized too and he suggested meeting, and said he really wanted to see me etc. he even brought up his interest in going on dates even though I never brought it up. Well, he flaked out last minute and I reached out and didn’t get a reply.

It had me feeling really confused, why was he acting so excited and then suddenly pulled back. I realized it’s possible he’s very confused right now and overwhelmed with his feelings and doesn’t know how to express that. People with BPD don’t often have the relationship skills to effectively communicate if or when they are feeling overwhelmed and they can tend to be really impulsive with expressing themselves and pulling back due to fear, nerves, or any number of things.

So I think in your case he in that moment did want to see you. But he’s mixed up inside and doesnt even know himself why he never replied. It’s very confusing on our mind. It looks so much like backtracking but in their mind because they already made themselves vulnerable so maybe they don’t see what we see. To them It’s just whoa I really expressed myself now I need to go hide.

Also remember relationships with BPD are usually sporadic and all over the place. This could be a phase.

Anyhow just wanted to say I understand how tough this is as I’m going through something so similar so you aren’t alone and I hope it gets better and clearer for you soon! I’m trying to make sense out of this too!

[Jbombjas]

Thank you so much. I sure felt alone yesterday & I definitely did things wrong again in the aftermath of it all. Now I have regrets and imagine it’s over after what I did but what can I do. It’s just so confusing.  Im
Trying to understand it and do the best thing but  I’m not quite there yet so my reactions just aren’t tailored properly yet. It’s hurtful and I react. So I keep making things worse and messing it up. This time I think it’s done anyway.
You aren’t alone either. Thank you for your sweet kind reply.

[Jbombjas]

Also I hope everything works out for you. I’m sure it will. Seems you have a. Good understanding of this stuff and a form grpind even though it’s still hard. I guess this message board is healers for you. I sure am!  

[Yellowpearl]

Thank you for your hope in my case too! This message board is a healer that’s for sure! It helps just to relate to others on here and learn while the situation is unresolved I at least feel like I have some support and maybe can continue to pick up some tools and skills in in the meantime of processing things.

I understand the feeling of fear of having made things worse in the aftermath! Even in my situation during a previous blowup after making plans, he went no contact and I was very reactive and I kept wanting answers and it only made things worse. Do you feel your situation is still pretty reconciliatory? Because let me tell you, after the summer when I became reactive I never thought I’d get to speak to him again. But he did talk to me again and time really helped thaw the ice. So that gives me hope that there’s another chance this time too.

Though I’m in the same situation again he dropped in dropped back out,  this time, I’m trying not to do the same again and just give this time and not be reactive (even though it’s very confusing and hurtful). I’ve been keeping in mind the more space this person has the less reasons they have to be scared because they’ve had time to process. This may be something just to get used to with a pwBPD, all the engaging then withdrawing and the more it happens the more you tailor your expectations and it hurts less. Cause I’ll say I’m not AS hurt as I was the last time. Even though it still sucks.

From your situation it sounds like you left it on okay terms right? All he has to do is get back to you?

[MyBPD_friend]

That happened to me in the past too.
I never got any explanation or answers from her.

After multiple times this happend I went no contact and got a new phone number.
I just didn't want to deal with that behaviour and waste of time and emotions with my ex BPD friend.

I learned that they never usually chnange, even if in theraphy.

[Jbombjas]

No. I’ve reacted as a result. First saying i understand and it’s ok. I’m here. But then Basically saying a kind good bye to him in a couple emails because I’m just so confused. I see my part and intent in some of it. And then other parts is just me wanting to move forward and on kindly if that’s what it is. I imagine it’s somehing in this case that is reconcilable after He has time  but I have been the ONLY person that has chased for him back when he’s done this. I don’t want to do that anymore. And I don’t want to react in this way anymore. I want to do what is best for both of us. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to feel bad for what I’ve done. So this time I just don’t know. My
Last email was kind but it’s said good bye. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me. I never know what the right thing to do is.

Thank you for your strength. If I ever get to that point, I will learnt to react like you, or lack therof. I know with time, things will hurt, but they will become easier to understand and easier to predict even tho everything is unpredictable. Maybe I’m just not meant for this push pull stuff. I don’t know.

[Yellowpearl]

It sounds like you did what you felt was best in that moment and who can blame you for that. I understand this push/pull stuff isn’t easy and how confusing it is or how difficult it is to not react. Sounds like time would help him too. Even if you are unsure about the kind goodbye, it may have been what you needed to say in that moment for yourself, to kind of draw that line and process this. That happens sometimes too.

I also understand the pattern when he does this, being the only one to reach out and get things back on track. That’s happened to me a lot too and it’s exhausting. Ive come to learn it also depends on how forgiving you wanna be and how much it’s worth it but using skills like not being reactive and giving much space help a lot and just taking time to process!

[Jbombjas]

Wow. You sure are kind and validating and understanding! Thank you so much!  I’m a damn empath! I’m understanding to a fault! I forgive. It overrides the pain i feel. I’m a recovering addict. I had many chances to get this life right and I believe others should be too. If people didn’t bet on me
Over and over and not give up on me, I might not have the beautiful life I do now. Maybe it’s my ego, but I feel like someone should tell this guy he’s worth it & I saw him just about on day one. There is a tiny tiny tiny population of women that would stick around for this, no matter how attractive he is physically. Even if it didn’t work, I want to do right by him. Sometimes my personal selfish  interests and emotions get in the way. But all in all I want to do what is kind and right

If there is any support I can offer you I’d love too. Sure is an excellent lesson on my distress skills, independence, emotions, etc. I really get to take a good look at my character through this whole process which is difficult but also beautiful. Looks as if you do too. At least we are growing through this process and have help and support. We will survive.  Thank
You!

[Jbombjas]

I will say that finding someone who is with or has been with a MAN in this stuation and understands and been through this ss is priceless. I mean, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but it is also a choice for all of us. I appreciate it and am here to help anyone (you) that I can through this.  

[Yellowpearl]

I agree, it’s very refreshing to not be alone in this and have a support group such as this one! I appreciate your kind words as well and I hope both of our situations improve and become more clear soon. Forgiveness is a strength, I look at it that way. So is patience. Keep hanging in there too!

[Jimievs]

I'm currently in this situation with my girlfriend, and yes it's definitely hard

[Jbombjas]

Sorry not trying to single the man out here or invalidate your feelings... The struggle is the same!   I have just read different things on men and women BPDs. But in the end we are all here for support and suffer/struggle with this stuff and need help.  

He just came back. The usual. Intense anger. Don’t ever talk to me again. I am blocking you (he doesn’t tho) and I’m too
Much and he’s going to get a restraining order (he says this a lot). He will never change his mind. It’s done. Same ol. This time, tho, I’m not fighting for him. I was calm, validated his feelings and let go. So we will see. Sigh.

[Bnonymous]

That sounds familiar. I've frequently had text conversations with my boyfriend that go like this (his being the first text of the day).

Him: Don't text me. I don't want you to text me.

Him [half an hour later]: How's the dog?

Me: She's fine. Are you okay?

Him: No, I'm miserable.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that. What happened? Do you want to talk about it?

Him: No. I don't want you to text me. I told you not to text me.

Him [half an hour later]: I mean it. I'll go and ask the police to tell you to leave me alone if you text me again.

Him [five hours later]: Why are you ignoring me?


If yours is anything like mine, he'll be in touch soon as though restraining orders were never mentioned and maybe even a bit huffy that you didn't contact him (though you're right not to chase and to leave the ball in his court).

[Jbombjas]

I’m sorry but I laughed when I read that. It’s not that it’s funny. I’m just glad for any comical relief through this insanity. And I’m so so glad I found
Your support. I’m not happy you are going through a similar circumstance but I sure am happy to have found someone that seeks to share the same behavior as the boy I have met. I’m thankful to say that today, his behavior did not immobilize me. I am at the gym and doing my usual self.
Thank you for your support and stories. You are appreciated more than you know!  

[Bnonymous]

It's okay, I laughed reading it back too. It's an accepting, affectionate "aren't we human-beings a strange bunch?" kind of laugh, not a mocking-him laugh (if you get what I mean).

[Jbombjas]

Agreed. Thanks for everyone’s help. Sometimes I think we are all dating the same man!