It’s finally over... maybe?

[Spam591]

After a thanksgiving blow up I asked her to go to therapy with me. She agreed but when I set up an appointment she bailed. Stating that we just need to work on communicating better. I stated that everytime I try to communicate it backfires in my face. She asked me for examples and then told me to just try it next time.

So, four days ago I approached her gently and brought up some issues I had. She immediately became defensive by arguing, talking loudly, and mocking the tone of my voice. She hung up and gave me two days of radio silence. Me being frustrated with feeling like a beaten down animal called her probably twenty times and said some very angry and inappropriate things via text. She responded with very angry and inappropriate texts.

Fast forward to this morning. She calls and I don’t answer because I’m at work. I get a barrage of accusatitory texts asking where I am. I call her twenty later and politely ask her to level with me and just talk. She states I said messed up things to her and she is now scared of me.

This afternoon fed up I text her and tell her we have three options. Divorce, take space and reconcile when things have calmed down, or start talking and working through things as a team. I told her I’m not going to be emotionally abused with the silent treatment any longer. She responds “divorce”. I start asking for the necessary info (dl#, social, etc)  to file. She states that if I do file she is “going out tonight” aka sleeping with guys tonight. Then radio silence.

So I met with my attorney and I’m having papers drafted.

I’m so upset. I just wnat to talk through things without me taking the blame. I just want to be listened to and given a fair chance. I trusted her when she said I could come to her calmly and we could resolve our issues. It could have been such a strengthening opportunity for our relationship. Instead, it blew up at me like I expected.

I texted her and told her papers are paid for and are being filled out. I don’t want to do this guys. But what I don’t want even more is to be in a one sided relationship for the next 40 years of my life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

I texted her and told her papers are paid for and are being filled out. I don’t want to do this guys. But what I don’t want even more is to be in a one sided relationship for the next 40 years of my life.

Hello Spam,

So how long have you and your wife w/BPD (dx?) been married, I am guessing there are no children ?

Red5

[Spam591]

Hello Spam,

So how long have you and your wife w/BPD (dx?) been married, I am guessing there are no children ?

Red5

3 months and thankfully no kids! We dated for two ish years prior. Since getting married everything I do has been under a microscope.

[JNChell]

Hello, Spam591. The communication is where my relationship ended with my ex. She refused. She sabotaged therapy. We have to have communication. Why do you think your ex sabotaged your therapy?

[Spam591]

Hello, Spam591. The communication is where my relationship ended with my ex. She refused. She sabotaged therapy. We have to have communication. Why do you think your ex sabotaged your therapy?

She has had extreme trauma. Like it of a horror movie. From ages five to twelve. She is doing quite well in my opinion after hearing what she has seen and experienced. I think going to therapy even though marriage therapy brings back lots of bad memories.

[Red5]

She has had extreme trauma. Like it of a horror movie. From ages five to twelve. She is doing quite well in my opinion after hearing what she has seen and experienced. I think going to therapy even though marriage therapy brings back lots of bad memories.

My first wife, we married as teenagers... .we were married for twenty-one years... .at year four she disclosed to me that she was sexually abused from age seven to twelve... .as far as she could deduce... .she started acting out at year nine-ten, .she tried therapy... .but it reserected too many demons... .I remember vividly several times, she would go see her therapist and not come home for days... .we had three small children by then... .S8(autistic), S4, D2... .

This was back in 1994-1995 time period, we went on for another eleven years until she finally took off for good, and I became a single Dad, as she basically abandoned me and the kids... .who were now teenagers... .this happened in 2006.

I should write a damn book... . 

Hang in there Spam, I know what your going through... .this childhood trauma stuff is pretty tough... .basically it’s cptsd, with extreme depression and several other disorders in there as well... .which in my opinion causes extreme BPD.

It’s all about their survival... .during and after the trauma... .liken to being tortured in some kind of pow camp, think Japanese in wwii... .terrible stuff these kids endured... .just terrible... .

Resultant that there is a hellofa lot going on in their heads... .pretty dark stuff... . 

Quite a “cocktail”... .very tough to deal with... .

Red5

[Spam591]

My first wife, we married as teenagers ... .we were married for twenty-one years ... .at year four she disclosed to me that she was sexually abused from age seven to twelve ... .as far as she could deduce ... .she started acting out at year nine-ten, ... .she tried therapy ... .but it reserected too many demons ... .I remember vividly several times, she would go see her therapist and not come home for days... .we had three small children by then... .S8(autistic), S4, D2... .



Thank you for this!

I’m literally heart broken. I love her so Incredibly much. But I don’t think she is in a place mentally to maintain a relationship.

This was back in 1994-1995 time period, we went on for another eleven years until she finally took off for good, and I became a single Dad, as she basically abandoned me and the kids ... .who were now teenagers ... .this happened in 2006.

I should write a damn book ... . 

Hang in there Spam, I know what your going through ... .this childhood trauma stuff is pretty tough ... .basically it’s cptsd, with extreme depression and several other disorders in there as well... .which in my opinion causes extreme BPD.

It’s all about their survival ... .during and after the trauma ... .liken to being tortured in some kind of pow camp, think Japanese in wwii ... .terrible stuff these kids endured ... .just terrible... .

Resultant that there is a hellofa lot going on in their heads ... .pretty dark stuff ... . 

Quite a “cocktail”... .very tough to deal with... .

Red5

[Red5]

Thank you for this!

I’m literally heart broken. I love her so Incredibly much. But I don’t think she is in a place mentally to maintain a relationship.

I know Spam... .she may very well not be able to maintain in a relationship-marriage... .due to her past that she is struggling with now... .’this is tough stuff’ my friend,

... .this lady I wrote about was just a girl when we married... .“we got pregnant”... .so we got married, that’s how things went down back then, 1984.

I loved her very very much, and I guess there is a part of me that always will.

We practically grew up together... .the more she acted out... .the more destructive she became... .the more I wanted to save her.

After all... .we had three children together... .losing that marriage was one of the toughest things I ever experienced in my life.

... .I’ve never loved that deep or experienced that level of emotional pain since then.

I remarried in 2011, and now that marriage has failed as well, .but I feel nowhere near the pain I felt when my first wife left me for good... .yes I feel abject sadness, and a whole lot of guilt... .but nowhere near what I experienced way back in the spring time of 1995... .when my first wife abandoned us the first time... .yeah it happened two times during that marraige,

I may well be “cauterized” to this type of emotional trauma now... .scared over maybe... . 

Lots going on in my brain housing group... .

I do love my current wife, even as we’ve been separated now for a whole two weeks... .but I am not really hurting like I did in 1994-95, and then again in 2006.

Guess that says a lot about my ongoing mental state ?

I think it means that I’ve erected some pretty tall walls (boundaries) around my heart after the failure of the first marriage... .

I guess I really never let uBPDw #2 in so close, afraid of being near destroyed again maybe... .I do still care for my uBPDw... .and I’ve been her ‘caretaker’ for quite a few years now, but she is who she is, and she is BPD, and I’m worn out... .

Hang in there Spam !

Red5

[once removed]

I’m so upset. I just wnat to talk through things without me taking the blame. I just want to be listened to and given a fair chance. I trusted her when she said I could come to her calmly and we could resolve our issues. It could have been such a strengthening opportunity for our relationship. Instead, it blew up at me like I expected.

I texted her and told her papers are paid for and are being filled out. I don’t want to do this guys. But what I don’t want even more is to be in a one sided relationship for the next 40 years of my life.

if you dont want to divorce, dont lead in that direction... .dont call her bluff.

do you want to try to reconcile this?

if so what are the primary conflicts in the relationship as you see them, and what are the primary conflicts in the relationship as she sees them?

[Spam591]

if you dont want to divorce, dont lead in that direction... .dont call her bluff.

do you want to try to reconcile this?

if so what are the primary conflicts in the relationship as you see them, and what are the primary conflicts in the relationship as she sees them?

I don’t want a relationship like we have. Where I’m not able to speak freely and voice my feelings. Where my partner cannot effectively work through conflict.

When there is no conflict she is my dream girl and dream relationship. She puts up walls and gets angry too quickly. She never does wrong and never apologizes. She always deflects and I’m the one who apologizes to keep the peace.

We haven’t really spoken In two days. She text me last night stating she was leaving the garage door open or on the counter.(because I’m flying in today and she is leaving to go visit family in the east coast.

[Red5]

*When there is no conflict she is my dream girl and dream relationship.

*She puts up walls and gets angry too quickly.

*She never does wrong and never apologizes.

*She always deflects and I’m the one who apologizes to keep the peace.

My life... .my marraige for the last eight years... .come January the 1st, our anniversary.

It’s tough, .and it’s exhausting.

Hang in there Spam!

Red5

[once removed]

I don’t want a relationship like we have.

okay.

in order to move your relationship in a healthier direction, you are likely going to have to lead the effort. she may or may not follow your lead. it will likely take a different approach.

are you open to that? do you want to try? or are you done?

[Spam591]

okay.

in order to move your relationship in a healthier direction, you are likely going to have to lead the effort. she may or may not follow your lead. it will likely take a different approach.

are you open to that? do you want to try? or are you done?

Yes I want a healthy marriage with her. She hasn’t called or text in a few days now. I am trying to establish that I do not like the silent treatment. I have voiced that in the past and have called and text her when she does this in the past but it does no good.

Maybe I just keep waiting it out...

[Yellowpearl]

Silent treatment seems to be one of the main issues as I’m reading through this. I know what you mean in wanting to avoid going after her as it didn’t bring good results in the past.

What was the last txt or conversation had? Did she avoid getting back to you about anything?

How long would it be till you’d see her?

[Spam591]

Silent treatment seems to be one of the main issues as I’m reading through this. I know what you mean in wanting to avoid going after her as it didn’t bring good results in the past.

What was the last txt or conversation had? Did she avoid getting back to you about anything?

How long would it be till you’d see her?

Yes, she gets upset and then goes radio silent. We never work through our issues. Then it’s me always reaching out apologizing (for literally nothing) to reactivate our relationship. I refuse to be married and committed to someone who won’t hear me out and treat me like a human.

It’s been three days now. Last text was three days ago with her telling me where she left the garage door opener. She left for the east coast and I just flew in last night and we won’t see each other for at least a week.

[Spam591]

We usually talk multiple times a day and she is always texting me. Going this long without reaching out is unusual behavior for her.

[Yellowpearl]

Her getting upset and going radio silent only for you to reach out and reactivate the relationship is exhausting for you. I can see why that would be. I would be frustrated too. This could be something that is addressed during a calm moment.

Now she did say something about the garage opener, and she’s not starting another conversation with you. Another week is a long time to go without talking. You highlighted this is unusual behavior for her. You may have to reach out if she is sending you are withdrawing, maybe still upset about the mention of filing papers she may not be confident about reaching you. What do you think? How do you feel about doing so?

[once removed]

whered she go? does she have family or friends on the coast?

[Spam591]

whered she go? does she have family or friends on the coast?

She has family on the east coast.

[Spam591]

Well guys I’ve ignored her for 72 hours now. I needed to clear my head and think about what I want.

I want a healthy marriage with her. However she refuses to go to therapy. She refuses to admit any wrong doing. She won’t respect my boundaries.


I feel like I need to keep ignoring her for another few days. She does not take me seriously. I need her to realize that I’m serious about end wow the marriage if she tried to give me the silent treatment or treat me poorly again for trying to politely communicate my feelings. Not sure if what I’m doing is going to work.

[JNChell]

Hi Spam591. I think that it’s safe to say that you want to save this relationship. With that being said, I’d like to redirect you back to what once removed has previously stated.

Are you ready to take the lead and be proactive in taking the relationship in a positive direction? I’m curious to hear back.

[Spam591]

Hi Spam591. I think that it’s safe to say that you want to save this relationship. With that being said, I’d like to redirect you back to what once removed has previously stated.

Are you ready to take the lead and be proactive in taking the relationship in a positive direction? I’m curious to hear back.

I’m ready. But I can feel what’s going to happen. I’m going to call and be give her a my way or the highway speach.

-you are going to therapy.
-we are going to marital therapy
-if you ever dare hang up the phone or give me the silent treatment again I’m leaving for good.
-you are going to apologize for calling me fat, my daughter retarded, telling me you are using me for money.
-you are signing a post nup with a time limit of 15 years (if this really isn’t about money it shouldn’t be a problem)
-You will never put your hands on me again.

Etc etc. I have about twenty more things I’m livid about and I literally cannot continue to be in a relationship like this.

[Spam591]

And I don’t think she is going to agree to any of it. In fact I think within the first two minutes she will hang up the phone on me and try to play games. I think I need to wait it out a few more days until she starts calling and texting on repeat. Then I’ll know she is in a place where she knows I mean business.

[Spam591]

Literally just got a call from my mom. She called my mom pretending to be worried about me. She can see me posting on my Instagram stories and I’m fine.

She told my mom I was doing drugs. What the heck! I’m on the beach relaxing nothing I posted insinuated anything near doing drugs. I literally hate her.

[JNChell]

Ok. I understand. Your points are valid, but we need to slow down here and articulate an approach that will be effective with a ppwBPD. Are you on board with this?

[JNChell]

Do you love her or do you literally hate her?

[JNChell]

Spam591, this is a perfect opportunity to practice grounding yourself.

[JNChell]

How are you feeling right now?

[Spam591]

How are you feeling right now?

I’m not sure if I love her anymore tbh.

I’m feeling very used financially and emotionally... I’m hurt. I feel like she controls every aspect of my life and has isolated me. She doesn’t respect any of my boundaries or wishes or desires.

[JNChell]

That sounds like a heavy load and it seems that you’re very emotionally charged which is very understandable. I wish that I could help you to find some calm. How can I do that?