Mom in jail again

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mom got pulled over yesterday and was sent to jail now for maybe the 6th time? I can't count anymore. It's not even for anything serious crime either. The first time she was arrested it was because she didn't get her car registered, never paid the ticket, and then had an outstanding warrant. She paid the warrant, family bailed her out of jail and urged her to take care of this kind of thing in the future so that it didn't happen again. Unfortunately, she got out, drove on a suspended license, got another ticket, didn't pay it, and went back again. This has been going on now for about 4 years back and forth, always for unpaid tickets and old issues she hasn't paid for or taken care of.
A year or two ago my sister (22 at the time) ended up taking out over 2k from her own savings to pay for all of my moms tickets, warrants, and bail to just get her started over. And then she was arrested again a week before my sisters wedding. Family, again, bailed her out so she could be there. It drives me nuts. Every time she gets put in, she'll frantically call my dad screaming in panic that he has to get her out and if he loves her he will do anything to get her out of there. My dad has kind of checked out a lot and basically does whatever my mom wants to avoid an argument. Other than that he just avoids her. So when things like this come up, my dad feels obligated to beg family, friends, or whoever for money, and will tell them whatever story my mom gives him as to why she's there to gain sympathy. It's horrible. I know it embarrasses my dad, but if he doesn't do it, my mom will lose her mind at him 1000 fold when she gets home and so he just does it anyway.
  
A while back, after meeting with the judge after an arrest, she was sentenced to community service and apparently never completed it, but no one knew because she was at the courthouse alone and never told anyone about what she needed to do to take care of it. Because she never completed it, there was a new warrant, and was then arrested when she was pulled over again yesterday. I guess she doesn't even currently have a drivers license? It is mind boggling to me that this can continue to happen over things that are so silly, and yet it literally re-traumatizes our whole family and puts everyone in crisis every time it happens. I am angry that family continues to pay hundreds, and even thousands of dollars to correct these silly, common sense mistakes instead of letting her learn by letting her stay in jail for the 10 days or however long she needs to stay there. It might be what she needs to actually stop doing this. It just seems to happen at the most inconvenient times, like my little sisters wedding, for example. My mom was bailed out for my sister's sake, not my mom's. We wanted my sister to not have to worry about family drama on her wedding day... .and now with Christmas coming up next week I don't doubt my dad will be calling around  begging for money so she can spend Christmas with us. It's just a double edge sword. On one end, I obviously would like my mother to be able to spend Christmas with her family, but on the other end this pattern will not stop until people let her deal with her own consequences. I think we are all afraid that if we did actually make her stay in jail that she would get out and wreak havoc on the rest of us. Especially if she misses Christmas. We mostly worry about my brother and sister, who still live at home, and the kind of wrath they would have to endure if we chose to let my mom deal with her own consequences. We all know she would take it out on them and my dad. Not to mention the inordinate amount of guilt we would all feel on Christmas Eve and Christmas if our mom is in jail and we are deliberately not doing anything about it. No one knows what to do here and I'm trying to find some peace today. I'm feeling extremely depressed and disconnected - I don't feel like I can take care of myself much and I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I'm getting on and posting today because it's about all I can think of to take care of my mental state at the moment! haha I know this will blow over and that as long as I continue to work on healing, that things will get easier. I'm trying to understand how to set boundaries for if this happens again, and what I can do to protect myself from these triggers that seem to bring up a whole lot of pain about my mom and her irrational behavior. I have decided I need to separate myself from my mom for a while until I can really recover. Right now, I am barely in the "remembering" stage, so things are pretty raw and hurt a lot. I feel like its important for me to set boundaries during this time so I can work through some of these memories without being bombarded with new painful ones. Is it unkind of me to not want to speak to my mom right now? I love her, but i'm really feeling tired. I need a mental vacation but don't know when or how to take one just yet. At least not until after Christmas, because I know i'll most likely see her then. Any one have advice about how to set mental boundaries when you know you still need to interact with your loved one with BPD? What kind of "shields" can I put up to protect myself from her stories of victimization that are guaranteed to start flooding in the minute she gets out of jail? I'm just not ready to listen to her make more excuses right now. Thank you in advance for any support and advice. I'm trying to find a solution to this rather than focusing on the problem, but i've never been through this before so solutions feel hard to come by. Boundaries feels like the only answer. I know I can't fix her, so I need to figure out how to mentally protect myself from her behavior so it doesn't continue to eat at me all the time.

[Lou_june]

My mom got pulled over yesterday and was sent to jail now for maybe the 6th time? I can't count anymore. It's not even for anything serious crime either. The first time she was arrested it was because she didn't get her car registered, never paid the ticket, and then had an outstanding warrant. She paid the warrant, family bailed her out of jail and urged her to take care of this kind of thing in the future so that it didn't happen again. Unfortunately, she got out, drove on a suspended license, got another ticket, didn't pay it, and went back again. This has been going on now for about 4 years back and forth, always for unpaid tickets and old issues she hasn't paid for or taken care of.
A year or two ago my sister (22 at the time) ended up taking out over 2k from her own savings to pay for all of my moms tickets, warrants, and bail to just get her started over. And then she was arrested again a week before my sisters wedding. Family, again, bailed her out so she could be there. It drives me nuts. Every time she gets put in, she'll frantically call my dad screaming in panic that he has to get her out and if he loves her he will do anything to get her out of there. My dad has kind of checked out a lot and basically does whatever my mom wants to avoid an argument. Other than that he just avoids her. So when things like this come up, my dad feels obligated to beg family, friends, or whoever for money, and will tell them whatever story my mom gives him as to why she's there to gain sympathy. It's horrible. I know it embarrasses my dad, but if he doesn't do it, my mom will lose her mind at him 1000 fold when she gets home and so he just does it anyway.
  
A while back, after meeting with the judge after an arrest, she was sentenced to community service and apparently never completed it, but no one knew because she was at the courthouse alone and never told anyone about what she needed to do to take care of it. Because she never completed it, there was a new warrant, and was then arrested when she was pulled over again yesterday. I guess she doesn't even currently have a drivers license? It is mind boggling to me that this can continue to happen over things that are so silly, and yet it literally re-traumatizes our whole family and puts everyone in crisis every time it happens. I am angry that family continues to pay hundreds, and even thousands of dollars to correct these silly, common sense mistakes instead of letting her learn by letting her stay in jail for the 10 days or however long she needs to stay there. It might be what she needs to actually stop doing this. It just seems to happen at the most inconvenient times, like my little sisters wedding, for example. My mom was bailed out for my sister's sake, not my mom's. We wanted my sister to not have to worry about family drama on her wedding day... .and now with Christmas coming up next week I don't doubt my dad will be calling around  begging for money so she can spend Christmas with us. It's just a double edge sword. On one end, I obviously would like my mother to be able to spend Christmas with her family, but on the other end this pattern will not stop until people let her deal with her own consequences. I think we are all afraid that if we did actually make her stay in jail that she would get out and wreak havoc on the rest of us. Especially if she misses Christmas. We mostly worry about my brother and sister, who still live at home, and the kind of wrath they would have to endure if we chose to let my mom deal with her own consequences. We all know she would take it out on them and my dad. Not to mention the inordinate amount of guilt we would all feel on Christmas Eve and Christmas if our mom is in jail and we are deliberately not doing anything about it. No one knows what to do here and I'm trying to find some peace today. I'm feeling extremely depressed and disconnected - I don't feel like I can take care of myself much and I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I'm getting on and posting today because it's about all I can think of to take care of my mental state at the moment! haha I know this will blow over and that as long as I continue to work on healing, that things will get easier. I'm trying to understand how to set boundaries for if this happens again, and what I can do to protect myself from these triggers that seem to bring up a whole lot of pain about my mom and her irrational behavior. I have decided I need to separate myself from my mom for a while until I can really recover. Right now, I am barely in the "remembering" stage, so things are pretty raw and hurt a lot. I feel like its important for me to set boundaries during this time so I can work through some of these memories without being bombarded with new painful ones. Is it unkind of me to not want to speak to my mom right now? I love her, but i'm really feeling tired. I need a mental vacation but don't know when or how to take one just yet. At least not until after Christmas, because I know i'll most likely see her then. Any one have advice about how to set mental boundaries when you know you still need to interact with your loved one with BPD? What kind of "shields" can I put up to protect myself from her stories of victimization that are guaranteed to start flooding in the minute she gets out of jail? I'm just not ready to listen to her make more excuses right now. Thank you in advance for any support and advice. I'm trying to find a solution to this rather than focusing on the problem, but i've never been through this before so solutions feel hard to come by. Boundaries feels like the only answer. I know I can't fix her, so I need to figure out how to mentally protect myself from her behavior so it doesn't continue to eat at me all the time.

[Harri]

On one end, I obviously would like my mother to be able to spend Christmas with her family, but on the other end this pattern will not stop until people let her deal with her own consequences.

Yes.  You have this right.  Unfortunately that means your father and brothers will have to deal with her behaviors should your family decide not to bail her out.   You might offer to take your brothers in during that time if possible (I am not sure of your situation) but beyond that or getting them out of the house as much as possible, I am not sure there is anything you can do.  how old are they?

I'm getting on and posting today because it's about all I can think of to take care of my mental state at the moment!

    Reaching out some place safe is good!

Is it unkind of me to not want to speak to my mom right now?

No I do not think it is unkind.  I think it is a common reaction to some pretty chaotic and frustrating behavior.    

Any one have advice about how to set mental boundaries when you know you still need to interact with your loved one with BPD? What kind of "shields" can I put up to protect myself from her stories of victimization that are guaranteed to start flooding in the minute she gets out of jail?

Mental boundaries!  Yes, those are important.  Knowing that you are separate from your mom and that her emotions are hers to won is critical.  Part of the healing work we have to do here is self-differentiation.  People who grew up in dysfunctional homes often have problems with this and don't really know where they begin and end in relation to another.  Her reactions and responses are hers to own, we can not control them nor should we try.  Her feelings are her own and we can not and should not try to manage them for her. 

What you describe regarding calling relatives to bail her out and asking others to help is a dysfunctional form of triangulation.  It plays into what I was talking about above with self-differentiation.  You can read more about the drama triangle here. 

There is a lot to talk about here so we can dig in if you want.  In the meantime, breathe!

[Turkish]

When I was a teen,  my mom let registration lapse... .I didn't have the means to rescue her.  You do. ( You Did)  So do your siblings.  Sleep does her husband,  your dad. Is rescuing her yet again going to result in she changing her behaviors?

For what it's worth,  I rescued my mother financially years later in multiple ways,  but it didn't result in she changing her behaviors. 

[Panda39]

Boy, does your mom's arrest history sound familiar.  My significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) has much the same story.

She was also arrested on a traffic warrant, she's had 3 evictions, dragged their divorce on for 2 years and has been arrested for fraud twice... .in other words has spent a lot of time in courtrooms.

The first arrest for fraud my SO bailed her out and her reaction when she was released? Was to yell at him for not getting her out sooner  Ummm he had to borrow money and see a bail bondsman so that took some time and bailing your spouse out of jail isn't something they teach you in college!

She has been rescued over and over... .enabled.  Like a child, she needs to experience the natural consequences of her actions to learn the lesson each situation has to teach.

By the time she went to court the most recent time for felony fraud, she had no spouse, maybe one friend (lucky for her, her friend was an attorney - this friendship like all of her others has since ended), either she didn't tell her family or they were unwilling to help.  In other words she wrote a really big bad check, and was in big trouble with very little support.  Ultimately there was a plea deal with a differed sentence.  She received probation for a year, had to make restitution, and could have no more trouble with the law for a year (if she met those conditions the conviction would be removed from her record).  The court gave her "the stick" (probation/repayment of the money) and gave her "the carrot" (do what you are supposed to do and your record will be cleared).  That method worked for that year and seems to have made an impact as there have been no further issues since then (that we are aware of   ).

Everyone rescuing your mom has changed nothing, so maybe your mom like my SO's uBPDxw needs to learn some things the hard way.  Unfortunately, you can't control her or those that repeatedly rescue her. You can control you and what you do, so do what is right for you.  Just because everyone else is "walking on eggshells" around your mother... .enabling her, doesn't mean you need to. (I know easier said than done... .it's hard to change long standing learned behaviors and it's hard to push against long standing dysfunctional patterns within a family.  You might find that the family wants to keep you in the dysfunction because that is where everyone is comfortable)

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in seeing the behaviors you are seeing.  I was shocked when I first arrived here at how similar our stories are, but also relieved because I knew the folks here would get me and my story.

This is a link on Family Systems that you might find helpful... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108970.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[Lou_june]

Yes.  You have this right.  Unfortunately that means your father and brothers will have to deal with her behaviors should your family decide not to bail her out.   You might offer to take your brothers in during that time if possible (I am not sure of your situation) but beyond that or getting them out of the house as much as possible, I am not sure there is anything you can do.  how old are they?

 
They are 19 and 15. Technically, my brother can leave with friends if he needs to, he has a car so he can get away, my sister is the one who is stuck and has the most odd relationship with my mom because they are joined at the hip. My mom and her are very close but its to the point where my sister doesn't have a whole lot of freedom. They are very kind to each other from what I've seen - but still - my mom has kind of glommed onto her so they do everything together. My sister currently doesn't go to school very often and probably won't graduate. She has a lot of social anxiety and depression. Thankfully, she does meet with a therapist, but it's hard to ever tell her that my mom is a lot of the reason why she feels so stuck. It's a very codependent relationship for both of them and she's not quite ready to hear the truth about everything just yet. So we are just being patient with her, loving her and trying to spend time with her as much as we can.

My mom did get out yesterday, the judge let her go. My mom says she "explained the situation" and he dropped the community service and only made her pay $200 to get out so she left. I don't know what "situation" she explained but whatever she said to the judge worked - although it most likely wasn't true. She was totally fine and crying "happy" tears when she got out... .not because she was out of jail but because she says she was "meant to be there at that time because she met some amazing women that needed her there". This is an excuse she gives every single time. Somehow her breaking the law and getting arrested was a calling so that she could go give advice and cmentor a bunch of other women who have also broken the law. ? It would be awesome if she valued her family as much as she values some of these women she meets in jail! Hahah she seems to care more about being a role model to them than she does to her own kids but whaaatever. I have to just take a breath and know it's all just smoke and mirrors. Just a way for her to deflect ownership and the reality that she was in jail because she made some poor choices.

 The plus sides of this is that my other sisters and I were in frequent communication yesterday and it feels like we are finally starting to be able to talk to each other about how we feel about these situations without being judgmental or getting angry with each other. I have one sister that has still been super protective of my mom depending on the situation, but we've seen a pattern in all of us that the longer we are out of the house, the less we feel like we can tolerate and excuse the behavior. It feels really good to be able to confide in my sisters and share common frustrations without worrying what they will think or hurting their feelings.

We all agree - no one can bail her out again. At least none of us will. The good news at this point is that she's been arrested so many times that the judge said the next time there won't be an option for bail. So that makes keeping that boundary easier! haha

I spent some time last night actually writing out some boundaries using the D. E. A. R. method. Not sure if you guys are familiar with it but it stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Repeat?

It helped TREMENDOUSLY with giving me a sense of peace and control over something that has felt so chaotic for so long. It's true, I can only control myself - I can't control her. But since i've had such a hard time "self-differentiating" like you mentioned, I haven't been able to really see where to draw the lines. I wrote down a boundary for her yelling, for lying and manipulation, for her being disrespectful of my personal decisions for myself and my own family, and for the jail situation (basically just stating that I will not bail her out and that I might need a few days after she gets out before I am ready to talk about it). I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I was done and for the first time feel like I can actually DO something to keep from exposing myself to this toxic behavior over and over again. And I don't feel mean about doing it either, I feel super comfortable and excited to be able to discuss them with her if/when the time comes.

Thank you again for your comments. This page has been a huge heaven sent in helping me have a place to go to talk about these things and figure out how to recover. The fact that anyone relates to this is still crazy to me! I always thought my mom was the only one and never told anyone about how she was because I didn't think it was possible for anyone to get it. Here I am, 28 years later and FINALLY seeing it all for what it is. It is such a relief.  

[Harri]

my sister is the one who is stuck and has the most odd relationship with my mom because they are joined at the hip.

It is common that a pwBPD views their child as an extension of their self and that can lead to a lot of co-dependence/enmeshment.  It is good that your sis is in therapy.  Do you think her T is aware of the issues with your mom?  I wonder if she would be able to identify it just based on the behaviors and thought patterns of your sister.  That you support her with love and understanding and give her time away is great. 

This is an excuse she gives every single time. Somehow her breaking the law and getting arrested was a calling so that she could go give advice and cmentor a bunch of other women who have also broken the law.

Wow.  I do this somewhat annoying thing where I can find the silver lining in almost everything but that is pushing it even for me. 

I spent some time last night actually writing out some boundaries using the D. E. A. R. method. Not sure if you guys are familiar with it but it stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Repeat?

Excellent!  We do use DEAR hear but it is part of DEARMAN.  DEAR is an excellent tool.  Where did your learn it?  I found boundaries very freeing too. 

(basically just stating that I will not bail her out and that I might need a few days after she gets out before I am ready to talk about it)

This is good.  I like how you take care of your needs, protect yourself and still let her know you will be back.

It is great when you find out you are not alone!  And then when you discover certain 'more unique' situations are shared by others?  Wow. 

I am glad you are here.  Keep talking with us. 

[HappyChappy]

This must be frustrating to say the least for you. Good news you got a common sense judge, because your mom is hardly Al Capone. My BPD would always kick off drama if she wasn’t the centre of attention, which is A typical for a BPD . Your BPD kicked off drama just before your sisters wedding, might not be a coincidence.
The way my T explained it, is a BPD is use to drama, its their safe place their comfort zone.

My BPD would always run out of petrol (gas) and need us to come out, when someone else had a function on.  We put a fuel container in her boot and one day said no one was available to pick her up. She stopped doing it, over night. Might this approach work with your mom - i.e. leave her in jail a while ?

As they say about a BPD if they can’t get attention by being the heroin, they’ll get it by being the villain.  People who were abused as a child, tend to lack respect for authority. I've made good money challenging authority. BPD tend to take more risks than most, so her behaviour makes sense unfortunately. If your mom is truly BPD, helping her out of prison and back into a car won’t fix things. Could you prevent your mother gaining access to a car ? Or maybe just get her hooked on "Orange is the new black" ? Wishing you peace.