I'm in trouble again :(

[Step3]

Hi all.

First, I need to thank Once Removed for your advice on how to handle the push pull. I didn't up and move back home and my girlfriend and I have been doing much better. I accept that when she needs her space or is upset with me that it's just best for me to respect her needs and be there for her when she's feeling ready for us.

I'm in a little trouble right now. She called me and is worried because her dad wants to meet up with her and a lawyer to discuss what she needs to do if he were to pass away. This scares her because her mom did the same thing with her sister then shortly died after the legal meeting. Her mom was very young when that happened.  So when she told me that story I realized she's scared it will happen again but with her dad. I tried to comfort her and told her I can see why she's scared because it seems like it's happening again. Then I told her how my family has experienced similar situations so I have an understanding of what she's going through. I let her know im here for her and that we should check on her dad to see how he's doing. At that point she was upset and told me I don't get it. Then hung up. Afterwards she text me not to compare my family's situation to hers ever again. I apologized and told her her feelings are valid and I respect them. She told me her gut told her not to tell me but she took a chance anyway. That hurt my feelings but I feel worse because she's not feeling safe with me.

I truly feel bad that she's going through this. I sense she feels alone and I'm not sure how to make this better. Any advice?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

some people really appreciate others relating their own experiences to them. some people dont. im usually in the latter camp myself. it feels like someone is hijacking my moment to talk about themselves, or i feel obligated to comment on their story, when i want the focus on me. or it feels like theyre telling me they know how i feel, when we cant ever really know how someone else feels. im a little sensitive/high maintenance about it, and i know that.

okay. so all of that was the furthest thing from your intention. it may be similar to how she received it.

why not just apologize?

if you were to apologize, what might you want to say?

[Step3]

Once removed,

Thank you for such s quick response. I did send her this after she told me she took a chance by telling me... .this was my response.

"I appreciate you sharing how you feel about this and also that you turned to me to talk about it. I understand that you are afraid because it has happened with your mom and it feels like it will happen again.  I sense you feel alone and my response wasn't helpful. I feel like I have an understanding, however you don't feel heard, so I want to understand better. I understand you are afraid and that's a real fear because this situation has happened before. I hear that you're concerned you could lose your dad because he's doing exactly what your mom did. I would be scare and sad too.

 I hear that you didn't feel safe sharing but you extended yourself anyway which was very vulnerable. I hear that you're reliving a very painful experience because of what happened with your mom and sister. I can see why you're afraid. I'm sorry I brought up my family and said "it seems like... ." I was wrong for saying that and bringing up my family."

She did respond and said "this isn't about your family."

I told her she is absolutely right and I apologized for hijacking her experience by bringing up my own.

Ughhh, I am so nervous.

[once removed]

theres a lot of "i understand" and "i would feel" and telling her how she feels.

if you think about it, its a little bit cold and clinical. one thing i ask myself when im using the communication tools is "does this sound like me? is this how i talk to my friends?"

it takes practice to bend the communication tools to our own vocabulary in an authentic way, but thats when it connects and works the best.

if it were me, id say something self depricating... ."geez im a jerk, talking about myself like that. id be happy to drop that, and just listen and support you."

I told her she is absolutely right and I apologized for hijacking her experience by bringing up my own.

like that. it doesnt need to be more than that. you had great intentions, they didnt meet her needs in this particular case, it happens. when it does, its up to us to "get it" and show we get it.

[Step3]

Yeah, you're right. It is a lot of me telling her how she feels. And very clinical, I sound like I'm trying to be a therapist and I'm far from that. It doesn't sound like a very loving girlfriend thing to say. At this point she's pissed and not responding so I'll check on her tomorrow and hope she'll feel safe talking to me after the meeting.

I really wanted to be there for her. She puts on a tough front but she's deeply sensitive especially when it comes to her mom and dad. She's seen too much loss in her life. I feel so bad because she tried turning to me and I let her down.  I didn't mean to, but that's how it feels for her and that's all I care about.

[once removed]

And very clinical, I sound like I'm trying to be a therapist and I'm far from that.

i think we pretty much all do at first. its kinda like where you learn an essay style in elementary/middle school, then you get to high school and you have to learn a new one, and its rigid and stilted and you hate it... .but then you learn it, master it, and bend it to suit you. we have had hundreds if not thousands of members report that their partners accused them of "talking to them like a therapist". think of the communication tools as structures, not scripts.

hey, at least you didnt say "thats silly, nothing is gonna happen to your dad" 

I really wanted to be there for her.

sometimes the best way to be there for someone is to listen... .and to help give them the space to talk... .asking validating questions can work wonders. its engaging and shows we are listening without trying to solve things for them.

have you seen/read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

[Step3]

Once removed,

Thank you for putting the link in your reply. I read it. It even says not to add personal experience and the video says not to try and find a solution. All of what I did. I text her a little while ago to and asked how she's feeling, I apologized again for bringing in my personal experience and told her I'm here for her. She hasn't responded so I'll wait until she's ready.

On my end, I'm a bit distressed about it. I meant well and of course thought in my mind that nothings going to happen to her dad, which I would have never said but tried to let her know I care and that didn't go well. It sucks to be ignored when I was just trying to be there for her.

Now I feel bad because she thinks she can't trust me with her most vulnerable feelings. I confirmed that for her.

[once removed]

two things about people with BPD traits... .

1. they are generally distrustful of others. what might be a light incident for us, or even a non thought, can be proof to our partners, in the moment, that we cant be trusted, that nobody can. it has a little less to do with us (not that we never contribute, i know i did), and more about a distorted world view.

2. they are highly sensitive souls that need a gentle touch and extra validation.

i think youll be fine. trust is something that is built and sustained over a long period of time. one blow up may seem bad at the time, but it usually blows over and what weve worked hard to build takes precedent.

we are all learning and no one gets it perfectly. just keep plugging away and practicing. the two of you can bounce back.

[Harri]

I don't have anything to add here but I do want to comment and say thank you.  Seeing examples like this is so good.  I still struggle with validation and not hijacking someones moment, though I do not like it when it happens to me

Thanks for working his out here Step3   and thank you Once for your input on improving things.   

[Step3]

She acknowledges that she's highly sensitive and I love that about her even when it hurts me. I'm so grateful for your advice once removed, i learn so much from you and everyone who gathers here to improve.

Thank you for the reassurance. Her and I are going on a trip tomorrow. She finally contacted me to let me know she's going to busy packing tonight. I'll do my best to be loving and understanding towards her. She's the oxygen to my heart. I've never loved such a beautiful and crazy making being in my life.

Thank you so much.