I don't think they know what love is

[Figures]

 I've been "with" my same-sex SOwBPD for just over a year.  I say "with" because by anyone's definition we're a couple.  We text each other all the time, see each other most days.  It's more than an intense friendship.  There's a great deal of flirting.

It has it's ups and downs.  Aside from the BPD they are dealing with fibromyalga and cluster headaches.  It means they can be very tired and short with me.  They can only concentrate on one thing at a time and woe betide anyone who talks when they are trying to concentrate.  They have massively irregular sleep patterns which makes it impossible to make plans.  There's been no sex or intimacy (other than a couple of kisses) but I have long suspected a history of physical and sexual abuse.  Despite them having a distant history doing hardcore pornography for a short time, take the flirting too far and you see them recoil.

I've tried to be the fixer.  When I first met them they were in a very bad place.  They'd come out of a violent 4 year relationship and had just ditched all their druggie friends for a new start.  A year on, I'm genuinely pleased with the progress they've made.  They can now socialise and even the mood swings have become less severe.  Gone are the days when I popped out their house only to return an hour or two later to find they'd disappeared to family for days, leaving all my stuff locked inside.  I used to be able to set my calendar by the day they used to split me black and block me for days.

I feel like I've been unpeeling an onion.  I don't know what it is but their actions have caused me to want to know why?  Whether that has been reading up on BPD and understanding why they act the way they do, or finding out about their past and what's caused them to come to this point.  I want to respect their privacy but at times it's come close to the line (and I don't like myself for that)

I've genuinely felt that they do love me, but that their 'd up past have given them trust issues.  Everyone thinks we are an item and are surprised when he says we're not.  We've kissed twice but that was shortly followed a couple of hours later by being split black.  I've taken the lows on the chin but the push and pull impacted my own mental health to the point I questioned if I was just *wishing* for it to all be true.  I felt like I was some bunny boiler.  After one low 6 months ago when they told me that they'd never loved me, just saw me as a friend, I decided to go into no contact.  That lasted 4 days (everything is so accelerated with BPD) but it ended up with them acting like a break up rather than the end of a friendship.  A relationship coach believed that they were just emotionally unavailable after their abusive relationship and it was 50/50 between enjoying their friendship for what it was with a hope that it might change or moving on.

Since then I've worked hard on being less co-dependent.  I won't pay their debts but I will still feed them when their benefit money runs out towards the end of the month.  I drive them around but despite the panic that often overcomes me, I make time to do things for me and go and see friends.  I let them contact me rather than chase them.  If  I don't hear from them (due to them sleeping) I'll go and do things with other people (although only for a small amount of time).  Of course, I'm feeling anxious that entire time and don't really enjoy time apart.  But I've told myself that the things I've done for him (and put up with) are not done to try and appease or pull him closer but because my own sense of ethics tells me it's the right thing to do.

The last few months have been good (by comparison).  It's felt like things have really changed but I don't know what's causing these changes  (as I've tried hard to be consistent in my approach towards them).  They are starting to trust me.  They've sorted out their debt problems, finally got diagnosis for their illnesses.  It felt like they were starting to overcome their BPD.  Yet,  I asked a favour for them to come and film an event I was doing so I could show it to my sick father only for them to fall asleep and miss it.  That wouldn't be uncommon (I put it down to their chronic fatigue than BPD).  but that weekend they lent me their phone (a sign of massive trust) and I found that they'd been on a dating app for several hours when they told me they'd been asleep  (I did not go and look at any messages but part of me wishes I had broken the trust given to me).  I'm still not sure if I was meant to find that or whether they were testing my trust.

It concerned me but I never said anything.  I wondered if it was just a cycle of them being self-destructive / mini BPD episode as a result of missing the event.  If anything they've been even calmer since.  They've done more for me, been far more open.

And yet, I often catch a glimpse of the distinctive chat colours of the dating app when I'm round  (as if I'm meant to see it).  I've reiterated unemotionally how I feel  (that I believe they're not ready but would one day like a relationship with them) but not pleaded.  They've said it's only friendship  (and in very black and white thinking want to demonstrate it's always been that way) and want me to see people.  I fear that they are setting up the groundwork to replace me.  I find myself wondering whether to break their trust and contact a couple of people that they ghosted in an attempt to understand if I'm part of some familiar cycle.  I ask myself why I'm taking this emotional abuse whilst simultaneously knowing this is not something I feel they are doing intentionally.

The thing I've come to realise, and it's a hard thing to accept is that they don't understand what love is.  It's been so abused and twisted over the years that they don't recognise what we have.  I'd hoped  (and still do so in many ways) that once a lot of the current issues were resolved it would give them space to think and see what we have honestly for what it is.

But maybe I'm the crazy one.  I realise you can't make someone love you, but I feel like if he could just see it for what it was... .  He's the one contacting me every day to come over,  he's the one flirting and sending mixed messages.  He chases... .  I still let myself get drawn in a good way.

I wonder if the answer is to just walk away now or to 'call their bluff' and go on a date with someone  [Just to prove one of us right].  I'm asking myself what my exit strategy is.  They've got a benefits appeal coming up next month and have shown trust by asking me to come with them  (resulting in a lot of things I've known being finally being admitted to) I've told myself that my own sense of ethics means walking away before that isn't something I'd be happy with myself over.  Doesn't mean I will leave afterwards but it gives me space to sort out my head, maybe get some therapy and come up with a plan forwards.

But the realisation that they've never experienced love and so are unable to process it is a hard pill to swallow and both a piece of solace and sadness.

[Cat Familiar]

You've been very understanding and supportive of your SO, but there's not much reciprocity there. You're doing so much to meet his needs, but it seems there's little awareness from him of yours.

You've assisted him in repairing much of his life, but all he's offered is friendship, not a romantic relationship, in return. You have so much compassion for the difficulties that he's been through, but it's starting to dawn upon you that he really doesn't have an understanding nor an appreciation for a loving relationship. At this point, you're wondering if you should continue on this path.

I think therapy is always a good option, and is mandatory when we are involved with a pwBPD. Even therapists who treat pwBPD often seek therapy themselves. Find a therapist you feel comfortable with and discuss these issues. 

I believe you deserve far more than you're getting.  

Cat

[Euler2718]

Blecch. I hope you figure it out. If someone's "with you" the dating apps should not be accessed, in my world, anyway. You're not "emotionally safe" if someone's looking for your replacement while they're with you, right? And I don't buy that someone's using match.com to find friends though I guess it's possible. Is there any way you can feel safe? I think that's something you should have. Mostly, BPDs are not going to be able to do their part, though. I'll check back and see what others have said but I empathize. My BPD never did that as far as I know but was always pushing me away (she was high functioning, so my story has less trauma than yours). Congrats on becoming less codependent.

[JNChell]

Hi, Figures. I’ve been here for a while but I’m new to this board. I might as well dig my heals in here. It sounds like the validation that you desire is almost non existent. Healthy validation is important.

It sounds like your SO experiences a lot of physical pain. Is there any chance, from your POV, that this contributes to intimacy issues? Is your SO proactive in managing their pain?

You mentioned that you feel like you’ve been unpeeling an onion. From what I’ve learned here thus far, people need to be able to peel their own layers back. Is your SO doing this, or are does it feel like a struggle for you? Like you’re trying to awaken something inside of them?

These are the obvious things that stand out from your post. You care about this person, you’re sad, you’re also angry, your needs are not getting met and you feel an obligation to take care of this person. All of that sounds very time consuming. Is there any space in there to take the time that is needed to care for yourself?

[WitzEndWife]

First, Figures, I want to say that I've been in your shoes in some way or another in my past. Not with a person with BPD, but definitely with folks that experienced some form of mental illness or emotional immaturity. I have to say that, now having had all of this experience under my belt, it's important to take inventory of your needs. Be honest with yourself. Is this relationship giving you what you need?
Giving and giving to a person who isn't able to reciprocate is like planting, weeding, and watering a garden that never grows or bears any fruit. If your joy is simply in the planting, weeding, and watering, knowing you will never receive anything in return, then okay, but I suspect, given your message here, that you do want love and intimacy in return for your caring.
You have an enormous capacity to care and there are many people out there who would certainly appreciate it and reciprocate. That's just something to consider while you're thinking this through.
If you're not being intimate with this person, perhaps your suggestion of going on dates with others would do you some good - if only to help you decide what you really want.
I've personally been the kind of person to subconsciously shove my needs down as not being as important as the needs of my SO, and I've learned that there is no reason to think my own needs are not just as important as theirs, whatever theirs might be. That doesn't mean we can't be helpful and caring to people, but we have to decide how we're going to have our needs met as well. Our needs are absolutely important. Take care. 

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Figures,
Now the holidays are over, how are you doing?

Cat

[Figures]

Things were going OK until yesterday.  The cynical part of me thinks that was because he needed me due to not having money and because of the appeals hearing.

We had his benefits appeal hearing on Friday.  It was brutal.  My SO was a mess and started crying before we even went in.  He wouldn't make eye contact and I had to answer a lot of questions for him.  The doctor was very unsympathetic.  When talking about a time my SO was suicidal, he questioned how serious he was by asking "Well, did you buy the rope?"  We won though  (mainly for his BPD which was in full force on the day).  I felt validated for all the work I'd put in and my SO seemed genuinely grateful and now he has money bought us takeaway.

It was SO's birthday on Sunday.  Usually he doesn't want me around when he's seeing family (I've met most of them but he likes to keep us very apart, mainly because they bring a lot of drama with them and you can see why he developed BPD) but he told me to stay when his sister came round.  Again, I felt this was a sign of trust.  Whilst he was exhausted from Friday's appeal, he seemed in a good place.  The fact the last time he'd been to court was with his ex when they lost their case against a company, and I'd been with him and won, gave me some solace that I could demonstrate to him that I was not his ex and history was not repeating itself.

What's occurred to me in these last few weeks in mentally preparing for his appeal is that his understanding of relationships is warped.  For most of us there's a sliding scale starting as acquaintances and work colleagues going all the way up to romantic partners and family.  My SO is missing the middle bit.  At the far end, romantic relationships and family is just full of red flags  (I'm almost certain that there's some prolonged sexual and/or physical abuse in his past), but everything between that and a casual friend is missing.  So, if you become a good friend, you automatically skip to the area with red flags, get seen as a threat and he splits you black.

He's told me in the past when talking about this tourettes-like tick he has when he starts saying racially offensive words and laughing (with a laugh weirdly that's not his own) that he knows he does these things but just cannot stop himself.

And as usual, things feel like they are going really well only to turn sour.  It feels like we've turned a corner, only to then take one step back.  In the past I've been guilty of trying to seize the forward momentum, pushing to fast, and causing him to pull back.  I'd vowed that this time, I'd just let things play at their own pace.  Having been allowed to sit beside him whilst all his medical secrets were discussed showed a level of trust to me.

I go out on Mondays.  I see my SO afterwards but Monday evenings I make some time for myself.  I really have to force myself to go because I worry that things like last night will happen.  This is typically when he goes on the dating app, but he's not done it since New Year.  He doesn't know I've found it and part of me wonders if it's genuinely to just chat to people because he's bored (particularly as he's struggling with his gender and he could theoretically chat to other non-binary people) or because the fact I'm not doing something with him makes him fear abandonment and seek a temporary "replacement".  His profile says he's just after friends.  But some things seem wrong.  Some fields that you'd only fill out if you were looking for something more are filled out, and this time he'd straightened his hair and updated his picture and his age.

The problem is that he doesn't know how to have a proper friendship, so those fields he's filled out may have no intent behind them other than the BPD's tendancy to overshare (or in his case, not know what's appropriate to share for the level of relationship he's looking for). 

Yet, I find myself not trusting him.  I've had this in the past on other issues and I've been proved wrong  (such as when he said he was sleeping and I thought he wasn't).  Seeing him tell his sister his version of the appeal gives me insight of how he warps the truth, so my doubt, whilst there, is minimal.

I tell myself that, so what, no-one else will put up with his escapades.  Sooner or later it'll come out the woodwork and like everyone else, they'll get discarded or will abandon him.  But I still loathe the short term emotional pain.  His emotional abuse (however unintentional) means I fear his abandonment and whilst I can be logical about it and know it's something subconscious he's doing out of fear rather than malicious, and force myself to do things for myself... .the emotions I feel are very real.  I still feel that somewhere in all that crap, is a sane person that given time and support can find their way out.  He's improved massively in the last year and I feel that given time and emotional stability he'll be able to work things out in his head, get the treatment he needs and become a functioning adult.

I've found that he suffers emotional dissonance when he gets emotionally unstable.  The way I describe it is by way of the example of a puppy dieing in a potato field.  You and I get upset that the puppy has died, my SO develops a hatred of potatoes
 (that will have always been the case in his eyes, whether he loved them yesterday or not).  That's because the emotion of the puppy dieing is so massive he can't process it.  It means he makes extremely poor decisions when he's upset  (practically polar opposite).

I've mentioned his gender issues, and given the things he said in his appeal, I'm lead to believe that what's driving it, isn't so much a feeling of being in the wrong body, but hating himself (probably due to social exclusion from straight males when he was young for being gay) and thinking he'd find more inclusion as a woman.  I'd support him whatever he chose but what's worried me is that A) As he's become more emotionally stable around me he's been far more male  B) He's sadly not going to find more social inclusion as a trans female.  C)  he says he gets on better with females yet all his current small group of friends are male.  D) The more male he becomes, the more emotionally abusive he gets and I suspect he doesn't like or fears that side of his personality.

This came to a bit of a head last night when he and another friend were out with me and talking about a group of individuals that had been abusive to him last year.  In the past he's split them black (and rightly so) but last night he raged he'd like to run over one of their heads with a car.

Now this bothers me.   I don't think he's remotely serious  (he doesn't drive for a start) but the escalation of violence concerns me greatly.  Not for my own safety (I do weapons-based martial arts) but wondering where this will end.   I'm seeing massive red flags.  I wonder if some of this is just me finding fault / transferring some of the hurt from him being on the app again, but it's clear that something's up.  Obviously the appeal churned up his emotions but he's a quiet borderline and so bottles everything up.

I feel I need to say something.  He kept saying leading up to the appeal that he was worried that they'd section him  (the appeal was just going over his medical history rather than doing a psyche profile.  Plus, that's not in their power)  so obviously there's something he's bottling up he knows that's not right.

But I suspect I'll be split black and blocked for a time for saying anything.  The mere thought of it wears me out even though I know it's been 2 steps forward and 1 back over the last year.  Here we go again, I think

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you're a great and supportive friend to him and that you're worried that as things are becoming more stable in his life, he's escalating with regard to violent imaginings.