Verbal Abuse

[Our abuse recovery guide]

How do you prevent yourself from being wounded by someone's horrible words? My sister knew I had major depression and attempted suicide. Yesterday she picked a fight with me for no good reason and said she wished I had completed the suicide. It's not the first time that she's told me that. This time it doesn't hurt me as much because I've heard it before. But still, how can she be so cruel to say such a thing? There has been no real apology.

How can I prevent her from hurting me again? At this point I feel like the best option is to stop talking to her completely because there have been so many times when she's lashed out at me like this.

[Nancynoel082]

How do you prevent yourself from being wounded by someone's horrible words? My sister knew I had major depression and attempted suicide. Yesterday she picked a fight with me for no good reason and said she wished I had completed the suicide. It's not the first time that she's told me that. This time it doesn't hurt me as much because I've heard it before. But still, how can she be so cruel to say such a thing? There has been no real apology.

How can I prevent her from hurting me again? At this point I feel like the best option is to stop talking to her completely because there have been so many times when she's lashed out at me like this.

[Granite Chief]

You have to learn how to detach with Love.

Have you reached out to anyone out side of your family for help? Counselor? Alanon? Support group?

[Harri]

I am not sure how to make the words not hurt.  I am sorry she that that to you.  It is harsh and very cruel.

I do think we can learn about the behaviors and that might help in lessening the hurt that can be inflicted.  Recognizing that her words say more about her and what she is experiencing and her thoughts than anything to do with you can help.  Learning/knowing that when she is angry and lashing out she is reacting to her own internal state and can't tolerate it and is therefore trying to frantically make those feelings go away in the best way she knows how... .to dump them on someone else.

Detaching emotionally, like Granite Chief mentioned and in the ways I wrote about above can go a long way.

Letting her have her own opinions, thoughts and feelings without taking them on as yours and without allowing them to change or influence how you feel about yourself will go a long way in helping.  Communication strategies might help, though if she is saying things like this while dysregualting, there is not much value in saying anything.  Walking away, taking a break etc are going to work better.  Doing nothing to escalate the situation and instead just let herself burn out will be best. 

[Nancynoel082]

Thank you, that is good advice. I've talked to my boyfriend and my aunt, and a few close friends here and there. I've also seen a counselor but can't afford her right now.

I'm doing my best to detach emotionally and all, but it is still hard. How can she say something like that? She said my whole family would have been better off if I'd committed suicide. I mean really? That is such an awful thing to say to anyone.

[Harri]

   It is an awful thing to say to someone. 

How can she say such a thing?  She is disordered and her mind and way of regulating her emotions are disordered.  There is no reason or logic to be found in this.  Nor is there excusing what she said.  She is, however, disordered and we will drive ourselves nuts trying to understand the whys and ways of these sorts of things by trying to thing 'how could she'.  She can and she did.  And it is horrible and a reflection of her.  It has nothing to do with you.

learning that and coming to embrace that takes time. 

Keep sharing keep asking keep working on things... .just try to remember that her actions and words say more about her than anything to do with you.

[Nancynoel082]

Do therapists ever tell clients that they do not have BPD even if they do? My sister said her therapist doesn't think she has it. However, my sister just sent me an article on borderline personality disorder and PTSD because she thinks she has both. Is it possible that her therapist lied to her about the BPD diagnosis?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Nancynoel082, 

I have not yet had the pleasure of welcoming you along with all the others here, so welcome!

It truly is a very hurtful thing when someone we care about,  whom we also hope cares about us, looses site of kindness and shares instead words that are toxic and hurtful. Sometimes it seems that the toxins penetrate to the very depths of who we are, and it threatens to eat away at our very soul. I'm so sorry that she felt she had to share those words with you. There is no valid reason why except what some of the others have already shared: that often there is disorder and a lack of being able to self soothe. Instead they may often feel better by hurting us. It doesn't take away the pain by knowing this, but I hope it can help with the understanding.

Definitely it is appropriate to set limits on the amount of time you spend with such a person. Self care comes first, especially when we have been wounded and need to heal. Are you able to limit the time with your sister?

I'm so glad that you trusted us enough with your pain to share it with us here.

 
Wools

[Harri]

Do therapists ever tell clients that they do not have BPD even if they do? My sister said her therapist doesn't think she has it. However, my sister just sent me an article on borderline personality disorder and PTSD because she thinks she has both. Is it possible that her therapist lied to her about the BPD diagnosis?

It is possible I guess.  The only value I can see in not telling someone of their diagnosis is if the therapeutic relationship is new and there is a good chance the patient will run.  It does not sound like that is the case with your sister however.