Adult child (DD21) with BPD

[smallbluething]

Came here because my relationship with adult daughter with BPD has been very difficult recently. She lived away from home for a while but has been back for nearly a year with her boyfriend also living with us. This has resulted in me feeling deeply unhappy, used, helpless etc - you all know the drill I'm sure.

Ironically she was supposed to spend the Xmas holidays with us at our beach house but had a tantrum and decided not to come at the last minute. This was a blessing in disguise because I think we both needed a break from each other and it is giving me time to gather my thoughts, and to research BPD (hence my presence here).

I've come to the conclusion I have been trying too hard to 'fix' or 'rescue' her and that it is probably time to step back from that - not least because it is so bloody draining it is driving me into the ground. I found the stepping back thread here very interesting.

She still has a driving test booked so I'll still try to help her prepare for that, and there are a couple of other loose threads to tie up (around trying to get her back into education).  But beyond that I think it is time to say 'Que sera sera' for a bit, and let her deal with her problems and the consequences of her actions herself.

I also need to set a few boundaries around how she behaves with others at home. I think her nearest and dearest (especially me and her BF) tend to cop the worst of it. I've been reading the stuff about validation, SET wise-mind etc and will try to put it into practice. I may have got our relationship/interactions wrong up till now but my 'superpower' if I have one is that I'm a fast learner so hopefully that (and this website & books) will help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi smallbluething

Welcome to the family. 

I'm glad you've join us for support as you change your approach with your DD and learn the tools and skills here with us    I'm sorry your relationship with your DD has been very difficult recently and left you feeling deeply unhappy, driven to the ground. It's so tempting to fix, rescue, (lots of heads nodding with you here, we've been there) though they need to be the adult they are and they can only do that and learn how if the responsibility lies with them, where it belongs, that's when we can learn where their limitations lie and can support them as they problem solve.

What kind of behaviours are you dealing with, you mention setting boundaries at home. It helps to understand what's driving the behaviours.

I hope you get comfortable and settle in and read and post in other threads.  Ask questions about anything. 

WDx

[Only Human]

Hello smallbluething,

Along with wendydarling, I welcome you to the family and echo what she said about nodding heads around here.

My DD25 has lived off and on with me since she returned after living with various others for a year. I've observed that she "lasts" about three months in each living situation before things fall apart in the most dramatic ways.

In all, she's had three boyfriends who have lived here with us and I can totally relate to feeling deeply unhappy, used, helpless, and for me, like I was a prisoner in my own home. I'd walk on eggshells around her (sometimes still do, it takes time to learn new ways) until I'd get fed up and kick her out - after about three months! I enabled, rescued, inserted myself where I didn't belong, all in an effort to "help" her.

She's been back home this time since April this year and the boundary I have sent is "no live in boyfriends." Her 4-year-old son, my grandson (GS4), also lives here and I'm doing my best to affect change in myself, for a better future for us all and especially my GS.

I applaud you for recognizing that it's time for you to step back. It will help her and you.

I also need to set a few boundaries around how she behaves with others at home.

Here is a link you may find helpful when thinking about setting boundaries.

Setting Boundaries and Limits

It has taken me quite some time to understand that setting boundaries is more about my values and what I'm willing to do, or not do, to uphold those values, and less about asking someone else to change their behavior.

Keep sharing with us, we've got your back.

~ OH

[smallbluething]

Thanks for the kind replies. The behaviours I am dealing with are mainly flying off the handle, getting upset at other family members for little or no reason, slamming doors telling them to get f***ed. Also difficulty getting her to do chores around the house, and issues with intermittent alcohol abuse.

The other thing she does is trying to get everyone else to do stuff for her, buy stuff for her, and go along with whatever she wants. There is a lot of wheedling involved. If she is given a chore she will sometimes half do it but will try to get her boyfriend to help her.

Her reaction to my (likely misguided) attempts to help her are a confusing mix of eg wanting to get her driving license but refusing to do practice driving with me or book her lessons with her instructor. She also storms off or runs away at the first sign of an difficulty, like when she recently attempted an interview for a course which she felt didn't go as well as she hoped - she stayed away from home for a week (couch surfing with her boyfriends friends - dragging BF with her) and lost it when I tried to talk to her about it when she came back.

I know that she is battling very low self-esteem, feels like a failure, and has some insight into the fact that she is pushing people away with her behaviour. She most regrets the lost of a close relationship wth her sister and is often very needy, wanting hugs and validation from her sister, who for her part is a long tired of DD's behaviour and not enthusiastic to interact.

I should probably add that she has mild learning difficulties - always struggled at school and was diagnosed with ADHD. She also was sexually assaulted at 14 and has ongoing PTSD/anxiety relating to that.

[Only Human]

Hi again,

Thanks for sharing more about the behaviors you're dealing with. It's a lot going on and it really sounds like, as you say, the unintentional break was a blessing in disguise. We all need time to catch our breath, to relax, rejuvenate. You're dealing with a lot at home and time at the beach sounds amazing.

You say she has some insight that she's pushing people away with her behavior. Has she been diagnosed and, if so, is she accepting of the diagnosis?  

my 'superpower' if I have one is that I'm a fast learner so hopefully that (and this website & books) will help.

It's great you're learning all you can about BPD and that you've come here for support; experts will tell you a strong support system is critical. Do you also have a therapist?

Are you still at the beach house?

~ OH

[smallbluething]

I'm still at the beach house and will be for another week - enough time to decompress and regain perspective I hope.

I did try family counselling with my daughter but it didn't go well. I will probably have some individual sessions on my own in the New Year. It has been suggested by psychologists she has seen that she has BPD but not a very formal diagnosis. She does have some acceptance that she has mental health issues (including potentially BPD). It is hard to get her to stick with therapy though.

[Only Human]

Another week at the beach - great! When I first got here I thought, "Man if only I could take a month by myself to just really get into this stuff." There's a ton of information here, and it seems you've been reading a lot, learning a lot, you've got a plan to begin using the tools, bravo! I hope it has brought you some hope.

The stepping back thread, feel free to jump into it, and others. It helps us all to know others are on a similar journey, we're all rooting for each other, and for our children. It takes a village, and BPD Family is my village.

~ OH

[Only Human]

I think I'm getting tired, I forgot to say that keeping up with therapy is difficult for many with BPD. It takes a lot of trust to open up to a therapist and pwBPD are inherently distrustful. By learning all we can, using the tools here, we can model for our children and "get out of their way" long enough that they might see the value in looking inward for solutions.

Yep, I'm tired - hope that made sense!

~ OH

[smallbluething]

Yes I picked up from a few posts here that sticking to therapy is difficult for BPD people. I'll just have to do my side of it and also get out of the way as you suggest. I'll check out the stepping back thread.

[wendydarling]

Hi smallbluething

By learning all we can, using the tools here, we can model for our children and "get out of their way" long enough that they might see the value in looking inward for solutions.

That's a great way of putting it OH "get out of their way" while being supportive. Smallbluething, I read your post on Stepping Back thread about job seekers allowance, my DD is presently on disability and has to reapply by 14 Jan, I think they'll move her to job seekers allowance, has your DD been on job seekers allowance before?

It is hard to get her to stick with therapy though.

what kind of therapy is recommended?

WDx

[smallbluething]

Hi smallbluething
 Smallbluething, I read your post on Stepping Back thread about job seekers allowance, my DD is presently on disability and has to reapply by 14 Jan, I think they'll move her to job seekers allowance, has your DD been on job seekers allowance before?

Hi wendydarling - I only just saw this post. She hasn't been on jobseekers or any kind of centerlink allowance before because she lives at home as was under 22 years (and we also earn more than the threshold for her to have it). It will be interesting to see how that goes! However she *did* get into vocational college so would be applying initially as someone in training (if she sticks with it). I have tried to let go of any expectations for her re college but I have made sure she has some support mechanisms in place she can draw on if she is struggling without my getting too involved.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[smallbluething]

Just a quick note to say thank you to everyone who responded to my first post with such kindness and empathy.
I am feeling so much better to have found a like-minded community.

I have been practicing stepping back more and most of all letting go of my expectations. The latter especially has lifted a weight from my shoulders and this plus a break from my daughter has left me feeling much better in myself. After re-uniting with my daughter in the New Year and deliberately biting my tongue and attempting not to get involved too much I was pleasantly surprised to see she had actually taken charge of a couple of things herself (following up with vocational college and re-booking appointment with tutor).

I still have a lot of work to do - I need to talk less and listen more and resist the urge to give advice. I'm also trying to reinforce the idea that she needs to take charge (eg of school, driving practice etc) but that help will be here if she asks for it.

I am prepared for things to fall in a heap of course and I know there will be more storms ahead but I feel that at least I now have a toolbox to go to to help me deal with such problems and a place (here) to share ideas and learn from others.

[Only Human]

Hi smallbluething,

I'm so glad you're feeling better. Like you, I'm so grateful to have BPD Family to support me as I journey on.

It's wonderful that your DD is "taking care of business." What a relief that must be for you 

You're on top of it, and wise to understand there will be more storms ahead. Keep going, filling that toolbox - BPD Family is a magical place 

~ OH

[Only Human]

How are you all doing, smallbluething?

Have you begun therapy yet? What's going on with vocational college? Has your DD been keeping up with "taking care of business?"

Sorry for all the questions - we care about you and would love to know how you're doing!

~ OH

[smallbluething]

I've had a couple of lousy days where I've been less successful at the letting go and acceptance side of things.

DD21 bailed on the driving test which didn't really surprise me. She has also been spending a lot of time couch-surfing down near where her boyfriend is working - he was living with us but has been staying with family near his new job during the week. She doesn't like to be without him but where she is with his friends she spends all her time smoking weed and then when she does come back she's in a bad state (unwashed, dirty clothes etc, sleepy) and a bad mood .

She still seems intent on starting the course which was originally supposed to be next week, but the start date has been put back a couple of weeks (by the college), but she is mucking her tutor about with times of sessions because she would rather stay where she is (it is a bit of a trek to the tutor from there). I guess I hope she'll start sticking to a schedule for everything better once she actually starts but at the same time I'm trying not to have expectations because there is a greater than evens probability of it falling in a heap.

I tend to get anxious when she is away getting wasted - she doesn't contact me except when she wants something, and doesn't answer the phone though will reluctantly respond to texts. I think there is an element of shame here as she knows I don't like it when she's getting wasted. The other day she asked me 'are you proud of me?' when she had organised an appointment to the doc to get some new medication. I said I'm happy she got some medication but I didn't go overboard because I know there is a strong chance she won't stick to taking it (and with all the weed she uses it may well not work). She still seems to want my approval in some way and I think her hiding away at other places is partly because she feels she doesn't measure up.

I am trying to put the acceptance and mindfulness into practice. It isn't always easy and I've had a bit of a wobble lately but I have succeeded somewhat. I'm also working on putting worst-case-scenarios out of my mind! Again difficult to break old habits but I'm trying.

[Only Human]

I've had a couple of lousy days where I've been less successful at the letting go and acceptance side of things.

I'm sorry to hear you've had a couple of lousy days, smallbluething. It's not easy doing what you're doing but you're doing brilliantly! Lowered/non-existent expectations, leaving the responsibility for driving lessons/tutor where it belongs, being mindful, accepting what is, is.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the "element of shame." Our BPD children look outside for approval and she wants yours.

Keep going, smallbluething, you're making great strides - it's impressive, really 

~ OH

[smallbluething]

Thanks for the kinds words Only Human - it does take time to change our habits and learn new ways of doing things doesn't it? One reason I've been regularly checking into the board is that it help keep me on track by reading your wise words and those of others around here.

I also truly appreciate seeing how other people are dealing with similar challenges such as letting go, practicing acceptance,  resisting that urge to rescue or step in, or reflecting on things that didn't go right and how to do better next time. It is like the best coaching!

[Harri]

Hi smallbluething!  I haven't had a chance to introduce myself yet and I wanted to say hi.   

I really like what you wrote here:

I also truly appreciate seeing how other people are dealing with similar challenges such as letting go, practicing acceptance,  resisting that urge to rescue or step in, or reflecting on things that didn't go right and how to do better next time. It is like the best coaching!

Isn't it though!  The collective wisdom and experience that is available here is incredibly helpful.

Glad to have you with us though I am sorry you had to find us.  You are in good hands here.   

[smallbluething]

Thanks Harri - I'm constntly dipping in here and finding new tips, even if I don't have time to contribute.

[wendydarling]

Hi smallbluething

I too am sorry you've had some lousy days, it helps to pop by like you have for a pick me up, we all need that. Do you think your DD's seen a change in you, her asking if you're proud of her, she's looking for validation? My DD asks for a double helping (she's been through DBT), it works  

Oh and I've been itching to ask you, what, who is the smallbluething? Now we know you have a beach house, so it's not the big blue sea, is it a small blue boat? Is it seaside related?

Hope you're feeling better today?

WDx

[wendydarling]

Silly me, your avatar.   Put your glasses on WD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[smallbluething]

Hi smallbluething
Oh and I've been itching to ask you, what, who is the smallbluething? Now we know you have a beach house, so it's not the big blue sea, is it a small blue boat? Is it seaside related?

Thanks WD - sorry for the late reply - I took a bit of an online break. Small blue thing is from a song by Suzanne Vega - kind of reflected how I was feeling - blue and curled up in a ball.