Ruminating (and triggers)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ruminating seems to be one of the biggest obstacles in moving on and detaching.  in most instances for me, it is ruminating on the end of the relationship, and going over it and picking it apart piece by piece.  the worst part of that is thinking you are uncovering details but really not being sure of anything. whatever particular detail happened, it did take place just as you remember it i suppose, but now thinking there was other things happening below the surface makes it hard to look at it the same way.  in some cases, maybe it should be looked at the same way, and to not put any more emphasis on it then needs to be.  but it also makes every reaction i instinctively had at the time now seem like the wrong thing to have done in hindsight, which doesnt help with that thought and feeling of this all being my fault, my responsibility, my inability, etc.

in other cases, it will be ruminating on one completely random memory that is so irrelevant to the overall relationship and what eventually happened.  i find it unsettling how a pleasant memory can be triggered by just about anything.  its almost like this warped thinking that "yeah, she just ran me over with a truck this afternoon, but wow our breakfast together was really nice this morning."

i have fond memories flood into my mind constantly based on things as common as making coffee, coming across a movie they liked on tv, driving past a restaurant we went to.  even when its a real stretch, im not talking about places or things we did together a hundred times, im talking about once or twice. 

do others feel like the passage of time is the only way these things subside or lessen, or is there anything else that can help. 

[Al Kaseltzer]

Ruminating seems to be one of the biggest obstacles in moving on and detaching.  in most instances for me, it is ruminating on the end of the relationship, and going over it and picking it apart piece by piece.  the worst part of that is thinking you are uncovering details but really not being sure of anything. whatever particular detail happened, it did take place just as you remember it i suppose, but now thinking there was other things happening below the surface makes it hard to look at it the same way.  in some cases, maybe it should be looked at the same way, and to not put any more emphasis on it then needs to be.  but it also makes every reaction i instinctively had at the time now seem like the wrong thing to have done in hindsight, which doesnt help with that thought and feeling of this all being my fault, my responsibility, my inability, etc.

in other cases, it will be ruminating on one completely random memory that is so irrelevant to the overall relationship and what eventually happened.  i find it unsettling how a pleasant memory can be triggered by just about anything.  its almost like this warped thinking that "yeah, she just ran me over with a truck this afternoon, but wow our breakfast together was really nice this morning."

i have fond memories flood into my mind constantly based on things as common as making coffee, coming across a movie they liked on tv, driving past a restaurant we went to.  even when its a real stretch, im not talking about places or things we did together a hundred times, im talking about once or twice. 

do others feel like the passage of time is the only way these things subside or lessen, or is there anything else that can help. 

[once removed]

is there anything else that can help. 

there are a host of things that can help.

if you think about it, ruminating is kind of the same thing that we do when we see a movie like the sixth sense. you wonder what in the world you missed, and how. you add a couple of things up. you rewatch the movie to see what else you missed. maybe you rewatch it several times getting a little more each time.

i liked using pen and paper. there was some structure to it. i tried to ruminate with purpose.

but sometimes it can get downright debilitating, too... .you cant focus, and ruminating can lead to more ruminating. i took sam-e (a natural supplement mood stabilizer) to get my body back in order and because of the intense depression, and it worked brilliantly... .the first noticeable thing that it did was seriously scale back my ruminations. it made all of that stuff seem much smaller in my head.

there are tools for managing ruminations, like setting time limits, or more extensive methods like the filing system: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304053.0;prev_next=next

[JNChell]

once removed, I like your example here. I’m a stickler for watching movies like that over and over until I feel like I’ve got the story and have picked up on all of the little things for it to make sense. This is a great analogy. I’ve also taken Sam-e and it was very helpful. In fact, I haven’t taken it for some time and plan to start implementing it again. The positive results show up very quickly. I currently take a supplement named “Calm Support”. It really helps with anxiety. Not trying to hijack the thread. Just wanted to chime in.

[JNChell]

Hi, Al. Ruminating is tough stuff but it’s normal in these situations. Time will help to alleviate it. I know that it doesn’t feel like that right now, but it will. Time will grant you space between you and what is currently causing pain. It will ease.

However, be mindful about the fact that time will not heal you. That part has to come from you. Time is like pain management. It’s not a cure.

[Al Kaseltzer]

but sometimes it can get downright debilitating, too... .you cant focus, and ruminating can lead to more ruminating. i took sam-e (a natural supplement mood stabilizer) to get my body back in order and because of the intense depression, and it worked brilliantly... .the first noticeable thing that it did was seriously scale back my ruminations. it made all of that stuff seem much smaller in my head.

Absolutely, definitely feels like it is getting to that point of debilitating.  I think at times i keep asking myself why i feel like i have to dissect everything.  i know we want to learn and figure out what happened, and its for our own benefit moving forward.  i just always come back to the feeling that here i am obsessing over every aspect, the how, the why and meanwhile the other person seemingly has not a care in the world for what happened or one moment of reflection.  i know that is probably not true, but thats what it feels like.

thank you for the "Sam-E" tip Once Removed, that is exactly what im looking for!  never heard of it before, but going to look into it and get myself some.  will also look into the link provided.

JNChell, thanks for the tip on Calm Support, i will look into that as well.  Anything that i can do to lessen my anxiety and depression is what im looking for, as it all relates to the endless ruminating.  and if it can be done on supplements as opposed to rx meds i would at least like to try that first.

and good point, i guess i dont expect their to be something that will just magically cure my thinking, i certainly play a major role in that.  posting here has helped for starters, especially getting feedback from those further removed (and hopefully doing better) than myself.

[JNChell]

i certainly play a major role in that

This is self awareness and it’s important to possess it. See? You’re already on your way. If you’re comfortable in doing so, will you elaborate on this a bit more?

[crushedagain]

I think it's human nature to remember the good things in the past and overlook the bad. At least that's been my experience.

Ruminating over things and wondering where you went wrong is typically something someone does when they weren't the one who ended the relationship. The person who broke up or disappeared wanted out and they are not cursed with such thoughts. They are busy engaging in their new life.

I, too, have struggled with rumination, and while it has diminished greatly since a year ago, I still have those "what if" sort of thoughts. But my logical brain understands there's absolutely nothing I could have done and that things would have always ended with her. She'll never be able to hold a relationship together with anybody.

[Al Kaseltzer]

i certainly play a major role in that

This is self awareness and it’s important to possess it. See? You’re already on your way. If you’re comfortable in doing so, will you elaborate on this a bit more?

well i just mean that i dont expect there to be a magic pill i can take that will make my sadness, and hurt feelings, ruminating thoughts, etc all just disappear.  i wish there was, i just bought some Sam-e and will begin taking that to hopefully alleviate how i have been feeling.  but i play a major role in my own recovery, in that i have to want to get better and move on.  i have to be able to drag myself to the gym and start working out, or get myself out of the house on the weekends.  my inability or desire to not let go now and any other times we broke up in the past has not helped me.  i dont want to be still feeling the effects of this relationship a year from now, when the relationship itself lasted less than a year.  there is nothing wrong with that, and i very likely will never forget this, but i dont want to be stuck in the mud, struggling forever.  maybe im not grasping the magnitude of these types of relationships and i am indeed in store for a long uphill climb. if thats the case, so be it, but at some point i need to just let it all go.  it was never the greatest relationship ever anyway, if im being honest with myself.

[crushedagain]

What I'm learning, Al, is that a great part of the pain is from my own disappointment that my hopes and dreams did not pan out - that she turned out to not be the person I had hoped for and wanted in a partner. My great expectations led to bitter disappointment. Perhaps I was completely unrealistic about things from the start, before I really got to know who this person was.

I am dealing with a serious health issue right now and I am reminded that if I were still with her she wouldn't even be emotionally supportive of me. That's one of the huge things I realized about her - she was so selfish that when I was in a time of need it was almost like a burden (I got the flu and saw the true side of her), but her needs were always expected to be tended to immediately.

When I look back on my previous relationship before her, I felt a sense of unconditional love, a woman who truly was there for me. This past one was not, and though I still long for that companionship and miss the intimacy, each day I realize more and more that she is NOT the kind of woman I want or need in my life. A lot of my pain is due to loneliness.

[Al Kaseltzer]

Crushed,

Agree wholeheartedly.  There was something about her that I put way too much hope into from the beginning. Before we really knew each other that well, I was already feeling like there was a lot of potential. I may have also had unrealistic expectations or maybe there were traits that invited me to think this way. And while it never went as smoothly as I wanted it to, there were periods of time where it felt like it was peaking and everything was great. Enough to keep chasing it; it really is bizarre how much it resembles a drug addiction.

I would agree loneliness plays a factor in all of this as well. It's the idea of something is better than nothing. Having her, with plenty of highs and lows, was better than having nothing, not to mention it was a constant adventure.  But realistically it's not supposed to be that way.

[Luan]

The ruminating is also trying to desperately make sense of something that will never quite make sense. Very left brained, western analytical, trait.When you factor in all the effects of dealing with a mental health condition, you begin to understand you could not have acted differently, and even if you had, you would have still got the same result. Example: my uBPD told me how much she valued my honesty through the relationship, then she used the same things I was honest about against me on the way out.

It has been six or so weeks for me since splitting, I can say I am much less anxious, but still ruminating, still feeling love, still would have her back in a flash. Running 3 or 4 times a week is great, amazing how your thoughts melt away when you are focused on putting one step in front of the other. Nature is fantastic. Meeting other women, and just allowing their uniqueness to imprint upon you, without the need to take it any further.

The answers we want cannot come from a mind that is necessarily disassociating from us, and not from our ruminations, so from where? When we don't accept reality, we suffer. I want to count the relationship I shared with my ex amongst the many blessings I have had in my life, and I think being devalued delays that particular approach until we can stop taking their actions personally.

[Al Kaseltzer]

The ruminating is also trying to desperately make sense of something that will never quite make sense. Very left brained, western analytical, trait.When you factor in all the effects of dealing with a mental health condition, you begin to understand you could not have acted differently, and even if you had, you would have still got the same result. Example: my uBPD told me how much she valued my honesty through the relationship, then she used the same things I was honest about against me on the way out.

thats one thing that i definitely have spent too much time ruminating on.  the thoughts of having done this or that differently, or my reaction to something having been different what it would have meant, or if it would have changed the outcome in the end.  as others here and in various threads have said, a pwBPD traits is still in many ways like us, their senses, impulses and emotions heightened perhaps.  its a fine line between thinking that it was all out of our hands no matter what we did, and what could have been very easily avoided problems at the time.

[Al Kaseltzer]

I think the biggest thing to hurdle now is the realization that healing and moving on will take more time than I expected. I also now see that it isn't necessarily going to be a case of each day gets a little easier. Sure a month from now I expect to be in a better place overall, but I feel worse today than the last few days. It was a matter of thinking about something briefly and then anxiety and my mind took over and has pretty much paralyzed me for the last few hours. The avalanche of "what a fkn idiot I was, if I had only done this and that" has been picking up momentum oday for sure. The further removed, it's scary how insignificant I am making everything she did throughout and at the end, as if none of it ever mattered.

[Luan]

Hi Al,

I know the feeling well. Even though it has been nearly 2 months for me, I still have these thoughts. They do lessen over time, primarily because you realise it was not your doing. They take umbrage at things that are innocuous, a friend (female) gave me a hug - that was cause for a major meltdown - but her seeing her ex towards the end of our relationship was absolutely fine.

You sound a bit like me - wanting to have control of outcomes. Thinking that if all the elements are in place, the result will be certain. Well, take two magnets, turn one around, now nothing will force them together. All you can do is turn yourself around and hope that the attraction returns. It was when I became deeply connected to her, and began to rely on her love, that things went badly. Up until that point I had kept her at a gentle distance because of some behaviours. As soon as I got more serious about our future, she backed out, even though that is what she said she wanted. Could I have done things differently? No, not without the knowledge I have now. It is a hard lesson in life.

She is frightened by the very thing she wants. Fear of rejection and commitment, yet it was all she talked about. Go gentle on yourself, you touched her deepest hurts, so you had to become the object through which they are expressed. You get to see a little of their pain, you want to fix it, but they won't let you. If only... .

[Luan]

... .but these boards are good and bad. Now I'm ruminating. I miss everything about our relationship, she brought colour and vibrancy into my life, and of course I want it back. We played music together (both musicians) and that was magical, we went bushwalking and camping together, did all the things that couples do. I was so busy enjoying the attention that I did not see the small signs that she was giving, or things she would say that I would overlook. It is amazing what we can bypass when we are in love and enjoying our ego's being bolstered.

I did not consider things enough from her point of view, but she was not good at voicing that. In hindsight I should have stopped when a flag went up, and found a way to talk it through without judgement. Let her feel she was safe to express her feelings without fear I would not like her. If she had just said, for example, 'I need you to hold my hand when we are at the party' I would have done so. But no, I waltzed around feeling a million dollars thinking I had it all, while she was feeling more insecure.

Aaarrrggghhh! I miss her every day, and every night. I've told her that, and said I am ready to talk and listen whenever she wants. Nothing. I know I have to continue letting go, but I know I'll always be thinking about her.

Life is bittersweet, I empathise with you Al.

[Al Kaseltzer]

Luan,

i agree, a lot of times since ive discovered this board, these stories on here help calm me down a little bit, perhaps reinforce that some of what i experienced was kind of abnormal and that maybe long term things are better off this way.  the after the fact process of putting pieces together that lead me here can't be disputed, to what degree these traits effected everything that went on can be debated though.  sometimes reading on here all day leads to more rumination from myself.

i just think its going to be a while before i stop beating myself up.  i did the best i could with the experience i had, i tried to embrace the love i received and i tried to give it back.  there were times when i simply needed to do more.  maybe someone with more experience or more compatibility would/will have a better relationship with her.  that part haunts me right now though.

[once removed]

... .but these boards are good and bad. Now I'm ruminating.

a lot of times since ive discovered this board, these stories on here help calm me down a little bit, perhaps reinforce that some of what i experienced was kind of abnormal and that maybe long term things are better off this way.

the boards here, or any support group, are really what you make of them. i didnt stick around because it harms me or keeps me stuck.

in a support group, one dynamic thats easy to fall into is injury immersion, which is where the initial feelings of comfort we get from sharing similar stories begin to inflame feelings of victimhood and injustice and we can get stuck there. we all play a collective role in this and whether we are supporting/challenging each other to rise above.

alternatively, you can learn skills for life and relationships here. you can support others, and challenge them to heal and grow and become the best versions of themselves, and in helping them do that, grow yourself. you can work through and apply the stages of grief and Detachment with a solid roadmap and real support, feedback, and perspective.

eventually, you can learn from mistakes made, and the lessons you want to take into future relationships (and apply them as you do).

for now Al, or anyone for whom things are fresh, i might table most of that stuff (lessons to learn), and focus on my grief and healing. when i was going through it myself, the notion that i had any bearing on how things played out, that i could have done better, made mistakes, felt catastrophic and sent me into a tailspin with feelings that everything was all my fault, that i was solely responsible for losing my ex, that id never have the opportunity to go back and save it. it wasnt constructive. later in my recovery, i embraced all of it and i still learn lessons to this day. to be frank with you, when youve grieved a relationship and determined you arent going back but moving forward, you dont care about the loss, you just want to learn what you can take from it. thats the final (Freedom) stage of Detaching. its the final stage for a reason, but its one we want to help each other reach.

[Al Kaseltzer]

for now Al, or anyone for whom things are fresh, i might table most of that stuff (lessons to learn), and focus on my grief and healing. when i was going through it myself, the notion that i had any bearing on how things played out, that i could have done better, made mistakes, felt catastrophic and sent me into a tailspin with feelings that everything was all my fault, that i was solely responsible for losing my ex, that id never have the opportunity to go back and save it. it wasnt constructive. later in my recovery, i embraced all of it and i still learn lessons to this day. to be frank with you, when youve grieved a relationship and determined you arent going back but moving forward, you dont care about the loss, you just want to learn what you can take from it. thats the final (Freedom) stage of Detaching. its the final stage for a reason, but its one we want to help each other reach.

would you think any or all of this grieving and healing would be harder, and bring about worse obsessive ruminating because my ex is already in a new relationship?  its not one of those things where we are both kind of taking time apart.  its like full blown, you would never have known that me and her were spending time together 4-5 weeks ago.

and just as its on my mind, im sure ive come across it before, but how typical is it of a BPD trait to really jump straight into a new relationship that quickly. i guess i never experienced it before in general and im not saying its not done by others as well, but coming across something on social media, i am just kind of in shock to see that within a month or so it looks so much more than just hanging out with someone.  and despite all of the help ive gotten so far, i just feel like i got kicked in the gut today.

[once removed]

would you think any or all of this grieving and healing would be harder, and bring about worse obsessive ruminating because my ex is already in a new relationship? 

well, it was for me. my ex overlapped the relationship.

a breakup is not totally unlike a death in some ways, yet the person you are grieving walks. throw in that person jumping into a new relationship, especially if you arent done, and sure it hurts worse. and who needs all that thinking about it?

and just as its on my mind, im sure ive come across it before, but how typical is it of a BPD trait to really jump straight into a new relationship that quickly. i guess i never experienced it before in general and im not saying its not done by others as well,

ill put it this way:

its something you commonly read about here. its also something members commonly do themselves. it happens in general pretty commonly. and it always hurts to witness. it is a kick in the gut.

i think it happens for a few reasons.

the first is that the person doing the breaking up (if thats the case) has usually grieved the relationship to some extent. theyre in a different place.

the second is using dating as a coping mechanism, or to short circuit the grieving process.

for some people, dating is their norm... .so doing it is a matter of "getting back to normal". that can be a good or a bad thing really.

are you watching the relationship on social media?

[Al Kaseltzer]

are you watching the relationship on social media?

in the beginning i was looking at her social media, i guess when i had some hope.  about a week ago i noticed a new photo with someone else, at that point i consciously stopped looking at her instagram.  i happened to see another different updated photo on facebook earlier today and that is kind of what sent me on a tailspin.  so it goes without saying, i need to steer clear of FB and anything else out there as well.  the thing is, i knew this was going on, its one of the main causes for the relationship ending in the first place, but seeing photos sent shock waves of anxiety through me.

[crushedagain]

I understand the pain seeing your ex with another man would cause. I don't do social media so I don't risk that. I think it is self-torture for people who look.

I don't have any statistics to back it up, but I have heard on multiple occasions that women in general, not just BPD women, usually have something lined up by the time they initiate a break-up. They've been planning it, so they're ready to hit the ground running.

[once removed]

seeing photos sent shock waves of anxiety through me.

i struggled with this too... .didnt even matter what i saw, id ruminate over a plain old profile picture for hours.

it just kinda rips open the wound. it is a good idea to stay away, an out of sight out of mind kinda thing.

how you holding up today?

[Al Kaseltzer]

Hanging in there OR, thanks for asking.  Yeah I would say I was already in a rough spot but seeing those photos just sent me backwards. It's just the hope being crushed and it doesn't feel like it now but that's what I need to help detach. Maybe the possibility or probability of getting back together in the past is why I never moved on any other time.

Thinking about all the ebbs and flows, It's just weird how much of a struggle it was for it to be good, how chaotic everything around her seemed, and my want to just ignore all of it. We both played a role in the problems and dysfunction though. I just feel like I have a lot I need to get sorted out with myself.

[Yellowpearl]

What helps me think is " a year from now you won't even think about it." "you're thinking about it daily now, but in a year, it will be more like once every few months" Al, I feel you totally. I feel I have a lot to sort out too. I saw the photo of them together too and now he  has changed to relationship and it sent my anxiety through the roof, made the pain 10x worse. Thank god I didn't reach out before seeing that. What i'm thinking is as time passes, this will just be a distant memory.

I had an ex a few years back, he cheated and disappeared. I was humiliated beyond belief. I went to work everyday for 3 months with severe residual anxiety from the aftermath. Then slowly, I started to do things for myself. I worked on some projects like painting my apartment, and remodeling a bit which helped the intrusive thoughts and ruminating die down a bit. A year later, it was a like a distant memory, it still sucked that happened to me, and I didn't think fondly of the person anymore, and I stopped feeling uneasy and anxious and in constant pain. I started feeling like myself again, yet I don't think I really processed it or learned why I fell into certain traps, why I tolerated certain behaviors. So sadly, I'm a very similar situation now again and realizing this time I need to actually do the work and process what happened ALONG as difficult as it is along with working on some projects and start heavy self care again when I get the strength to.

[Cromwell]

What was very tricky to make sense of is "why" was I ruminating to the level of it intruding so much.

The issue is that regardless of the real why - is it pining for lost love, is it anger from abusive behaviour - is it anxiety of what could still happen in future - a blend of all 3, or is the real reason being evasive.

A year on and whilst I have moments where I still think of "her" or more accurately - the whole scenario, what has laid the hurt to rest is the knowing that there cant be any reconciling, there is no future - therefore, stuff like guilt, love, whatever enmeshments had occurred, they have became obsolete in a practical, moving forward with optimism way.

It isnt history as long as there is confusion and uncertainty combined with even latent wish to carry on and I think because I had willingly went along with reconciling so much in the past with nothing more than "hope" that it would work out, only to find more hurt each time - it is breaking out of that habit and cycle, admitting 'defeat' here - the more I learned about the disorder, the more I leaned towards making the sensible choice rather than the emotional based choice. Not easy when Ive learned that a lot of the choices ive made in life have been emotionally driven ones. The consequences before, I could deal with - but to continue on in this, and I have tried beyond reason, are destined to folly.

I dont think anything would have changed until the day I decided to ghost her, go NC, that day was when things changed - it was about me, my wants, my needs - it was 'selfish' and self preservation.

Because in the midst of it all, the biggest damage here is related to an erosion of the self. She never got to see the real me, never expected I would have done what I had, her set narrative was "we will be together forever" and the going back each time after each new torment she created was proof of it. But, it wasnt really 'me' and this is where I found the courage to show the real self and not play a role that had been expected and created. My ex lacked the real empathy to have seen that she was loved, cared for, she labelled it instead as desperation, a meek "walk over", submissive boyfriend, another of a litany of exs that she enjoyed whipping.

To behave any differently would be a suicide of her sense of self, and at least from what ive learned in this time, I can understand the whys - to the extent of looking where my life is now, what just happened, and not feel shellshocked but that I went back and mentally dotted the i's and crossed the ts.

I couldnt find proper closure otherwise, this r/s is a corpse that was left unburied otherwise to rot and be a painful visual reminder.

Al, there was no mental peace until the day I firmly knew that "its over", that to look at her FB - would be pointless. She is history and will never be part of my life, regardless of what impact she had on it at one point in time.

Once the dust has settled, I started to rake through and find a lot of value and positives, it simply is - if you choose to make it - learning experience as part of the bigger picture - lifes journey. But none of this was possible to know in advance, and for the choice I made, I could equally have just continued the dance and who knows where it would have led? Love would have prevailed and all would have worked out, or a slide further towards catastrophe and the loss of the self. It got to the stage where I didnt want to gamble anymore, my own needs, wants and demands took over as priority to pandering to her needs. A turning point and a 'heads up' that it was even possible to allow myself into that state in the first place. Previous r/s didnt put me to that test so I was naive that there was a fundamental underlying issue that has now been - painfully - but equally "usefully" highlighted.

Al, once this stuff is stored into long term memory - there is only one way to deal with it - confront and lay it to rest. Distractions are just that 'distractions', but once they are gone the ruminations work there way back because in our psyche - there is something unresolved that is battling to figure out. If we say at a concious level we want to move on, but have repressed at a subconcious level that - actually - there might be a chance - cue: stagnation. cue: dating a prospective partner only to be still mentally attached to the past, even if its more to do with trauma than it is pining for love, or a toxic bond, it doesnt matter, it is a hook that until removed keeps us from going forward.

I like that I went to the gym though, I could at least multi task, build a physique and ruminate at the same time. The girl I have met recently told me "I like buff guys". I changed my career and had to learn new skills, whilst still ruminating - it was distracting and productive - even if the ruminations didnt go away, it was still a form of long-term view, doing the best I could. I guess when faced with depression, anxieties/worries - it takes more than just hoping to wake up the next day and they will have gone. This has been a mental marathon for me that I was in no way equipped for, but you break down that marathon into manageable slices of measurable progress. Try not to think about her as much as what you want for your future - about doing today the stuff that makes you happy, even if a depression cloud hangs over, it wont always be like this. Ultimately it came to a point in asking "is she worth it?" was my becoming this unhappy and ill, worth what I had prematurely labelled as defining as being 'love' - supposed to look like this? It "triggered" only one thing, a move towards self love and Al, I think where you are now where Ive been, if there was a time in life to exercise some selfishness it truly is when its literally shouting from within and trying to subdue all the other inner chatter that has been in its place. If I wasnt the sort to love myself, then who exactly was the person id have expected her to love? Hey at least I proved the "we will be together forever" part, wrong, at least im not reaching out months later to meet up for coffee. There is nothing wrong in doing so - and many of her exs did, and she gloated about it (tried to make me insecure about it) - but the fact is - its not Cromwell style - I just needed to rediscover and reassert and realise that id handed out the wrong message and also that I was in an especially emotionally vulnerable place when we got together as well. I think I have more to offer and want more than to have emotionally-vulnerable as a unique selling point trait to be seen in the eyes of the 'one' as being a 'good catch'.

Be especially good to yourself right now - Al. This is the moment for recovery - demand a a bit of breathing space. all the rest will all be revealed in time.