Rollercoaster Ride of emotions then and now - need help detaching

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Coming to grips with what is officially the end.  maybe ill hear from them again, maybe i wont but now they are with someone else.

Im sure this is a common reference but I really feel like i was on a rollercoaster for most of this year and now that im off, and im not allowed back on i seriously dont know what to do with myself.  All of my time, effort and energy was focused on this person for so long, both good and bad and now I feel empty inside.  it became the focal point of my life.    since it ended less than a month ago, each and every single day has been spent thinking about them from beginning to end, there has been different emotions.  its mostly sadness and depression but also having brief periods of feeling relieved, feeling like i dodged a long term bullet, that it will be good to meet and date new people, that she can proceed to drive someone else insane, etc.  but those feelings are all so fleeting, im lucky if they consume minutes of the day.

I need encouragement to stay out of contact with this person.  I know it will only make things worse for me if i reach out.  i was speaking with a life coach about everything that had gone on; the chaos, the unhealthy nature of the relationship, the undiagnosed but all too present BPD traits, and they pretty much summed it up like this: "she left you to be with someone else, you dont ever contact her or chase her again.  she has to reach out to you now.  thats it, you're not going to reach out".  I agree, but its scary how strong the urge is, even when im not sure what positives can come from it.

how long did others feel like they needed to grieve, get mentally healthy enough, etc in order to begin dating and seeing other people again?

need any and all encouragement from those who came out of this successfully, tips, advice. 

thanks

[Al Kaseltzer]

Coming to grips with what is officially the end.  maybe ill hear from them again, maybe i wont but now they are with someone else.

Im sure this is a common reference but I really feel like i was on a rollercoaster for most of this year and now that im off, and im not allowed back on i seriously dont know what to do with myself.  All of my time, effort and energy was focused on this person for so long, both good and bad and now I feel empty inside.  it became the focal point of my life.    since it ended less than a month ago, each and every single day has been spent thinking about them from beginning to end, there has been different emotions.  its mostly sadness and depression but also having brief periods of feeling relieved, feeling like i dodged a long term bullet, that it will be good to meet and date new people, that she can proceed to drive someone else insane, etc.  but those feelings are all so fleeting, im lucky if they consume minutes of the day.

I need encouragement to stay out of contact with this person.  I know it will only make things worse for me if i reach out.  i was speaking with a life coach about everything that had gone on; the chaos, the unhealthy nature of the relationship, the undiagnosed but all too present BPD traits, and they pretty much summed it up like this: "she left you to be with someone else, you dont ever contact her or chase her again.  she has to reach out to you now.  thats it, you're not going to reach out".  I agree, but its scary how strong the urge is, even when im not sure what positives can come from it.

how long did others feel like they needed to grieve, get mentally healthy enough, etc in order to begin dating and seeing other people again?

need any and all encouragement from those who came out of this successfully, tips, advice. 

thanks

[Mindfried]

Hi AS,

I went through the rollercoaster ride for 4 years. Constant break-ups and make-ups. This past July after coming off a family vacation with her and her two sons she texts me when she gets home and says she never wants to hear from me again then immediately blocks me.  So many broken dreams and promises. I have had a few random nasty texts from her with the last one being 3 months ago. Although I think about her everyday and miss her everyday I know in the end I am better off. I did not respond to her texts because it would have just led to more conflict. No matter what I did it was never good enough. I have learned and trained myself to go out and do things, movies, day trips, reading in the park, spirituality, etc. I seemed to have found inner peace and have less stress and frustration. I smile more now. I do know what you are going through because I had the same emotional feelings. The only advice I can give you is to stay strong, it will take time. No use dating until you are ready because you will just think of her while you are out. My opinion is no contact is best because once you engage, again any progress you have made just reverts back to day one. Hope this helps a little and merry christmas.

[CookieMonster80]

Hey AS 

There is so much in your post that I relate to. It's now been a month since my breakup and a rollercoaster ride is the best way to put it. Like you, I was putting all of my time and energy into making her happy, that I forgot to take care of myself. I'll admit everyday is a struggle not to reach out and send a text to see how she is doing, but your life coach is right, let her reach out first if you want to hear from her. I know it's hard, but time will make it better. Allow yourself time to grieve the relationship and focus on yourself. Get back into hobbies you were once interested in or connect with friends.

As for how long is takes to consider venturing into another relationship, I think it depends on the person. There are some days I am ready to start making those connections, but other days I feel like I need time before I can let someone into my life again. The last thing I would want is for me to become involved with someone else, only to be thinking of my ex. Stay strong and continue to work out your feelings and emotions on here as many of us have gone through similar situations and can offer a great deal of support!

[Red5]

Hey AS 

There is so much in your post that I relate to. It's now been a month since my breakup... .

I was putting all of my time and energy into making her happy, that I forgot to take care of myself.

I'll admit everyday is a struggle not to reach out and send a text to see how she is doing, .

Allow yourself time to grieve the relationship and focus on yourself. Get back into hobbies you were once interested in or connect with friends.

As for how long is takes to consider venturing into another relationship, I think it depends on the person.

Stay strong and continue to work out your feelings and emotions on here as many of us have gone through similar situations and can offer a great deal of support!

Me2!... .and good advice!

I am hearing & reading about the length of time the "Victorians" grieved... .which was a year and a day... .as in you have to go through all the "firsts"... .without your partner... .in order to try to heal... .ie' first birthday, anniversary, Christmas etc'... .without the significant other... .got to get through them first, before you even think about looking for a new partner, love interest, "mate"... .

Red5

[Hopefulgirl]

I know that most people in this board, or maybe everyone, can relate to what you're saying. When I was first discarded I didn't want to reach out and when I did it was met with either mild kindness or awful things that I can't seem to forget even to this day. I wish I could go back in time and change what I did, I wish I had not reached out. All it did was put me back in the cycle of hanging on with my fingertips to a relationship with somebody who sucked me in again with a bunch of Storytelling, only to be dropped on my head yet again.

She might not reach out to you for a long time, if you sit around and wait for that to happen I know it's stressful and depressing because you miss her. But honestly I think she will only reach out to you if the relationship with that new guy goes sour. He's probably on her pedestal right now, and eventually when all the layers are peeled off of her personality he'll be in the same position you are right now.

If you reach out to her she might think you're just trying to stir the pot and it might become a war of words, in that case she will win because, and I'm sorry to put it this way, you are obviously more attached to her than she is to you because of the BPD and she doesn't have much to lose if she's moved on.

 I know the feeling, you always think about what you could have done or how they're doing and despite thinking that you dodged a bullet you still miss them, sometimes so terribly you feel like you're losing your mind. I don't know what your situation was with your ex or how severe her case was or how deeply you were in love but from my experience eventually I realized that I was only reached out to when there was need of me and when there was no longer it was the silent treatment all over again and the hurt and anguish of missing someone again. Feeling like the hole in your heart gets bigger and smaller and can't heal properly.

Sorry to sound so very negative about it, I just have regrets about staying in contact with someone with BPD who discarded me because mine didn't believe in "closure" and I thought that I was smart enough to be able to handle it the second go-around or the third but it just turned into the same mindf**k to be blunt.

Someone posted a question about dating again a couple of days ago. I think it had some good honest advice.

[Ruskin]

Hey Al K,

in line with other just concentrate on yourself, good thing Christmas is around the corner, as that might help keep your mind of her, i'm sure your days may be fuller with family friends and festivities

Just keep your self busy while you still think of her and when you feel ready to date go for it.  It's normal to overthink things... you spent months thinking of & caring for her, thats normal and that why you do it -- liek a brain routine

You need program the new normal by change.  I'm very early into that myself

(part of this idea is from a point i saw in a "De mars coaching" video on you tube)

happy holidays to you and savour the delicious escape you have had

[Red5]

(part of this idea is from a point i saw in a "De mars coaching" video on you tube)

I watch that guy too... ."Danny Dog Productions" 

Red5

[Al Kaseltzer]

I know that most people in this board, or maybe everyone, can relate to what you're saying. When I was first discarded I didn't want to reach out and when I did it was met with either mild kindness or awful things that I can't seem to forget even to this day. I wish I could go back in time and change what I did, I wish I had not reached out. All it did was put me back in the cycle of hanging on with my fingertips to a relationship with somebody who sucked me in again with a bunch of Storytelling, only to be dropped on my head yet again.

Yeah I am afraid reaching out will only make things worse, and im positive it wont change the way things are at the moment.  I have already made mistakes left and right, and I just feel like there is nothing i can do at this point about what has already transpired, what happened has happened.  but being in the present right now, i can control whether i continue to make mistakes.  i can stop myself from reaching out.  because if i do reach out and it goes badly, i am going to be sitting here in a few hours telling myself how "i knew it would backfire, why did i do it, i only made it worse, etc".  im trying to be present with myself, let thoughts sit for a day or so, etc.  Anxiety is the root of this.  it tricks my brain into thinking that something good can come from taking action or that if i dont do something now, i will be losing an opportunity. when in reality no action is the only thing left to do.

She might not reach out to you for a long time, if you sit around and wait for that to happen I know it's stressful and depressing because you miss her. But honestly I think she will only reach out to you if the relationship with that new guy goes sour. He's probably on her pedestal right now, and eventually when all the layers are peeled off of her personality he'll be in the same position you are right now.

If you reach out to her she might think you're just trying to stir the pot and it might become a war of words, in that case she will win because, and I'm sorry to put it this way, you are obviously more attached to her than she is to you because of the BPD and she doesn't have much to lose if she's moved on.

Absolutely 100% true, all of it.  and reaching out for me would be under the circumstances that I know it wont do any good in the present moment, rather some sort of bookmark for the future.  But you are right, I am more attached than she is, and it only shows weakness on my part. 

I realized that I was only reached out to when there was need of me and when there was no longer it was the silent treatment all over again and the hurt and anguish of missing someone again. Feeling like the hole in your heart gets bigger and smaller and can't heal properly.

That may be the worst part of it, looking back in the past at any time when we briefly would rekindle things.  I always had this initial high when i'd hear from them and re-connect but then it just felt like it always died off again. Its true, its not as if going through these cycles make it any easier, as if to say, well we've been here before, I wont feel too bad.  Each time around it becomes just as painful, if not more.

I am trying to use anger to move on at the moment.  because for all the things i did wrong in the relationship that i continue to ruminate and obsess about and wish i could fix, it doesn't come close to what was handed to me from my ex, throughout and at the end. 

[Cromwell]

Hi Al Kaseltzer

when the novelty wears off and our 'faults' exposed, there is nothing to beat yourself up for ruminating that you didnt do the right thing, because once you are painted black you might as well drop a tonne of gold at their feet, it would still be converted into a bad action from a 'bad' person. It is nigh impossible to do the right thing in those circumstances, and that cycle is inescapable, it has nothing to do either with us for it beginning or ending.

do you ever come across people that are so depressed that it is like the whole world is wrong and that everyone, thing, or person is faulty. It is an entrenched mindset that self perputates more problems. Its the same with our exs, the best thing I could manage on her "im having a bad day" was to stay out of her firing arc. I did some miracles when she needed me most on the worst days and id be able to momentarily get her at least to smile and laugh and interrupt her chain of thoughts - which by the way - i discovered were not manifested in origin source from me, but stuff in her life that cumulated and she never got over.

myself part of the cycle - was just an available emotional bin for it because it heaped up too much. A surrogate source of therapy really, except it was presented in a more difficult to decipher way.  (you dont love the therapist or at least, should refrain from claiming to). The words were directed at us, the 'faults' we had magnified out of all proportion to divert attention from the real problem she couldnt change; herself, let alone the past that no-one of us can rewind and change.

dont beat yourself up, im sure when you met her it was hard to fully appraise just how troubled she was based on the apperance. Its just part of the inherent risk of getting to know anyone and put the jigsaw pieces together to a picture that might not look in the end as we saw on the box cover.

[Red5]

... .do you ever come across people that are so depressed that it is like the whole world is wrong and that everyone, thing, or person is faulty.

It is an entrenched mindset that self perputates more problems.

Its the same with our exs, the best thing I could manage on her "im having a bad day" was to stay out of her firing arc.

I did some miracles when she needed me most on the worst days and id be able to momentarily get her at least to smile and laugh and interrupt her chain of thoughts - which by the way - i discovered were not manifested in origin source from me, but stuff in her life that cumulated and she never got over.

... .myself part of the cycle - was just an available emotional bin for it because it heaped up too much.

That's a very good summation Cromwell,

I read that to the pw/BPD, we; the "Non" become a vessel, in which the pw/BPD deposits all their "bad stuff"... .and there is nothing we can do to stop it... .

All the inner (child wound?) stuff, possibly years and years of 'loathing'... .poison, and inner struggle... .gets served up to us, and right into us... .the "vessel"... .but unlike the pw/BPD, we have a bottom... .so when the "vessel" gets filled up, and starts to overflow... .its right about then that the discard starts... .as we (Non's) cannot take anymore of their bad stuff in... .

Many of us, have been absorbing all this "bad stuff" from our love relationship significant other for many years... .and it is very harmful, it effects both your mind, and your health.

Its very sad, but also extremely interesting to see it in real time, should we become "awakened" to what has been happening.

... .her firing arc'

I am an aviation ordnance technician by trade (retired)... .the above remark, made me think of some of the endless ammunition, and explosive stuff I had to know, and study... .since I was nineteen (I'm fifty-two now)... .anyways, ammunition (ordnance) is stored in magazines (think shore based, a whole different affair onboard ship), most widely used type of "mag" is an earth covered type, with blast door in front... .so what ever is stored in there has an "explosive weight"... .ie' how big would the "kaboom" be if it were to all detonate at once... .the possible damage area is know as the "explosive arc"... .and the amount of ordnance stored inside is called the "NEW', .or "net explosive weight"... .which when "added" together equaled the explosive quantity distance (EQD), or the "arc" of destruction (possible).

Crazy for me to even think this way... .but I was always trying to estimate my uBPDw's "NEW, & EQD"

I could feel her inner turmoil, like make the hair on me neck tingle... I knew when she was about to "blowup"... .and I also knew about how bad it would be after so many years of being around her... .so I knew what the possible damage would be when and after she "went off"... .

I could actually gauge her "NEW, & EQD"... .crazy eh'... .

Hang in there Al Kaseltzer!

And stay out of the "explosive arc" !

Red5

[Al Kaseltzer]

I guess i also fall into the trap of wondering how it will work out now for my ex with someone else.  its like knowing what i know now, and assuming the new partner doesnt, i have a bizarre interest in seeing how it goes from afar.  None of the previous relationships seemed to pan out, mine included and so history and everything else says this one wont either.  but i have this ugly "what if" thought in my head, wondering if it will somehow work out with this new person and i will feel worse for it not having been with me.  all of this is to say that detaching from the situation and not caring about any of that is the only positive approach to take.

[Red5]

I guess I also fall into the trap of wondering how it will work out now for my ex with someone else.  

Its like knowing what I know now, and assuming the new partner doesn't,

I have a bizarre interest in seeing how it goes from afar.  

None of the previous relationships seemed to pan out, mine included and so history and everything else says this one wont either.  

But I have this ugly "what if" thought in my head, wondering if it will somehow work out with this new person... .

All of this is to say that detaching from the situation and not caring about any of that is the only positive approach to take.

Its all about simple "metrics"... .you cant change the past, but you sure as H3LL can learn from it, .and you can also learn from others past mistakes too.

So "metrics"... .its a fact that your ex had unsuccessful relationships prior to you(?) yes... .so what does the "DSM" say to us about persons with BPD, one criteria is this one... ."a history of unstable relationships that can change drastically from intense love and idealization to intense hate."

You like your predecessors failed her mark, so you like them are now to be sent off to the "breakers" for scrapping so to speak.

So we have the history, indisputable (?) and it doesn't "lie"... .history equals fact, ie' measurable metrics... .and we can use past metrics to estimate the future to a certain degree... .so the "next guy in line"... .he will fair better than you did(?), better than the others before you did(?), .will he be a "one-off"... .not likely.

So we must apply in our lives what we know to work, and we must not make it so hard to figure out, hard to understand... .maybe a little "black and white thinking"? applies here  .

So you think "maybe" the next 'beau' will be the one for her, the perfect one, the one that will be her happily forever after... .so ask yourself now,

*What has she done in the past, is it like what she did to you?
*Looking at the past results (metrics/facts), .will she be any different in the future?
*What does your gut tell you?
*What should you do right now based on what you know right now, NOT what you think will happen in the future (metrics)?

FACT... .the "history of the future" hasn't been written yet  ... .so don't go worrying about it   !

A few more dumb things I spend time thinking about... ."let your conscience be your guide"... ."believe in natural selection, as it never fails"... ."you cant control others"... ."you cant control the future"... .

Now, apply common sense, and black coffee... . 



I know... .I talk too much  ... .

Red5

[once removed]

hey guys, who among us have relationships that panned out either... .we arent on this board because we are in healthy relationships.

I guess i also fall into the trap of wondering how it will work out now for my ex with someone else.  
... .
but i have this ugly "what if" thought in my head, wondering if it will somehow work out with this new person and i will feel worse for it not having been with me.

this is a common fear expressed here Al, its one i lived with, and ill tell you the same thing that i always say.

if your exs new relationship works out, it has no bearing on you.
if your exs new relationship fails, it has no bearing on you.

if you think about it, the same is true with all of your past exes. i have an ex from high school that dumped me. shes married with kids today, im not. we had our different paths, no regrets, its history.

so why do we do this in this case? i cant speak for you, but i know that in my case it was because of very powerful feelings of rejection that i wanted to reverse, and i believed that if my exes new relationship failed, that would reverse them. i think investing in that scenario is a risky proposition.

one thing you can be sure of is that the next relationship (yours and hers) will be "different". better, worse, who can say, but it will be different because its between two different people. i think that most of us in relationships do a little better each time... .take some of what we learned and apply it, though not always. sometimes we gather and we carry baggage into the next relationship, and sometimes, a little of both. i know my ex did a little better, and her relationship lasted longer than it did with me. i know that she brought a lot of old destructive habits into it too.

theres a fear behind this thinking, that can be tagged and worked through as part of your detaching process.

[Red5]

once removed writes... .if you think about it, the same is true with all of your past exes. i have an ex from high school that dumped me. shes married with kids today, im not. we had our different paths, no regrets, its history... .

.

Ever hear the old “country song”... .‘Thank God for unanswered prayers’... .

“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs. That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

Ah’ high school... .and the one that “got away”... .

... .works for me !

Red5

[Al Kaseltzer]

hey guys, who among us have relationships that panned out either... .we arent on this board because we are in healthy relationships.

this is a common fear expressed here Al, its one i lived with, and ill tell you the same thing that i always say.

if your exs new relationship works out, it has no bearing on you.
if your exs new relationship fails, it has no bearing on you.

if you think about it, the same is true with all of your past exes. i have an ex from high school that dumped me. shes married with kids today, im not. we had our different paths, no regrets, its history.

so why do we do this in this case? i cant speak for you, but i know that in my case it was because of very powerful feelings of rejection that i wanted to reverse, and i believed that if my exes new relationship failed, that would reverse them. i think investing in that scenario is a risky proposition.

one thing you can be sure of is that the next relationship (yours and hers) will be "different". better, worse, who can say, but it will be different because its between two different people. i think that most of us in relationships do a little better each time... .take some of what we learned and apply it, though not always. sometimes we gather and we carry baggage into the next relationship, and sometimes, a little of both. i know my ex did a little better, and her relationship lasted longer than it did with me. i know that she brought a lot of old destructive habits into it too.

theres a fear behind this thinking, that can be tagged and worked through as part of your detaching process.

helpful and agree on all points, and truly it is a risky mindset to have because who is to say how long something can last.  me and her were together on/off probably longer than we should have been, and if this new person has it last that long then we are talking about being invested in something for almost another year.  really not a good way to go about it.

[Al Kaseltzer]

is it common and something that we can struggle with after a relationship ends for the ex pwBPD to really look back at it with a distorted view of what happened?  i feel like i have come across that as something that can happen from reading up on things, seeing it mentioned on here.  i think it is something that is making me really struggle to get over this, is from what i see and gather from my ex a few weeks removed, that they really look at what happened differently, that it was me who was unsure of everything, that i didnt choose her, etc when it seems like it was pretty much the complete opposite.

still needing daily reminders to not reach out.  each day resets back like groundhog day.  whatever progress i made as the day went on, it all goes backwards when i wake up the next day, right back to where i started.

[once removed]

they really look at what happened differently

one thing that i realized and struggled to accept is that leading up to a breakup, however long that plays out, both parties are usually on different pages.

for one example, one party has usually grieved/mourned the relationship to an extent while the other party feels blindsided and shocked. i expected my ex to have a harder time, but wed been dying for a year, and it had been over in her mind for probably months. its easy to see that now. at the time, when people suggested things along those lines to me, it sent me into a tailspin.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

so theres that... .both parties experiencing different things, being on different pages. i never really understood that, but its true for the beginning stages of a relationship too.

additionally, what you see in any person that struggles to cope (including but not limited to BPD) is a tendency to blame, to view oneself as a/the victim.

still needing daily reminders to not reach out. 

heres one thing that helped me... .

everyone reminded me that i could reach out at any time i wanted... .now, in a week, in months, or years... .but that now probably wasnt a good time, and if that time ever came (it didnt), id have no doubt, no inner dilemma, id just do it. that helped me let go of the urgency. when i did it didnt matter, but my motivations definitely werent serving me at the time. writing unsent letters, working out what we want to say, can also help.

nothing i ever did out of impulse or anxiety ever served me. learning to delay gratification can really retrain us not to act on powerful impulses. we learn that these things pass.

[Al Kaseltzer]

one thing that i realized and struggled to accept is that leading up to a breakup, however long that plays out, both parties are usually on different pages.

for one example, one party has usually grieved/mourned the relationship to an extent while the other party feels blindsided and shocked. i expected my ex to have a harder time, but wed been dying for a year, and it had been over in her mind for probably months. its easy to see that now. at the time, when people suggested things along those lines to me, it sent me into a tailspin.

so theres that... .both parties experiencing different things, being on different pages. i never really understood that, but its true for the beginning stages of a relationship too.

i definitely understand this aspect, not that i like it or makes me feel better but i do get that she checked out earlier than me and even just by preparing to end it had already began moving on.  i can see that being in the case in any relationship that was nearing its end, regardless of a BPD aspect.

i guess what i meant more so was it just seems like she is looking at what happened to us as her being the victim, as if I were the one who did all the things that she actually did.  she was being wishy-washy, lied, saw someone else, ended it.  now maybe my lack of commitment or whatever behavior lead to it happening is one thing but all i know is that i never did those things.

everyone reminded me that i could reach out at any time i wanted... .now, in a week, in months, or years... .but that now probably wasnt a good time, and if that time ever came (it didnt), id have no doubt, no inner dilemma, id just do it. that helped me let go of the urgency. when i did it didnt matter, but my motivations definitely werent serving me at the time. writing unsent letters, working out what we want to say, can also help.

nothing i ever did out of impulse or anxiety ever served me. learning to delay gratification can really retrain us not to act on powerful impulses. we learn that these things pass.

love this.  based on the dynamic and underlying issues, things were never going to work out with this relationship but i really feel like anytime i did or wrote something to ease some anxiety or get something off my chest, it always seemed like a mistake.  whether it was met with anger, hostility or just no response at all, it never really seemed to do any good. i really like using the idea that you stated of knowing in your gut if and when the time is right.  if it doesnt feel right, it probably isnt. 

i think a lot of time was spent in the past knowing they would or expecting them to reach out sooner than later, be it a week or whatever.  and so the more time that passes now, the more anxiety keeps coming and the more i feel the need to do something.  ive heard it referred to as the illusion of action.

[once removed]

maybe my lack of commitment or whatever behavior

can you elaborate?

[Al Kaseltzer]

can you elaborate?

After the initial first phase if you want to call it, where we were together, but then broke up and started the on/off thing, I always felt a little reluctance to be 100% in.  I wanted her back badly whenever we were apart and wanted to be together, but seeing how she would leave just as fast as she came back, or her often being "unsure" about us i felt an internal desire to sort of take things on a more day to day, week to week approach rather than looking down the road at the future.  not necessarily to do that forever, but to me it felt like it was important or a good idea to get a solid few months of being together again in a good place, which never really happened. 

[once removed]

on again/off again is a low trust, low investment, risk averse situation, and she may have felt similarly... .may have blamed you for it, hard to say.

what led to the first breakup?

[Al Kaseltzer]

on again/off again is a low trust, low investment, risk averse situation, and she may have felt similarly... .may have blamed you for it, hard to say.

I agree, the on/off certainly doesn't make for a strong connection.  I find myself wondering why she kept coming back, and it made me think at the time there was something good with us for her to keep doing so.  i wonder how much any BPD played a role in this and also why I had/am still having such a hard time getting over it when lets be honest, it wasn't a significantly long multi year relationship.

what led to the first breakup?

we stopped and started so many times it all blends together now but early on she just wasn't sure it was the right match, if there was enough between us, enough connection.  definitely a case of me being the more interested of the two, but re-connected after a few weeks and got back together, starting the on/off thing.

[once removed]

i wonder how much any BPD played a role in this and also why I had/am still having such a hard time getting over it when lets be honest, it wasn't a significantly long multi year relationship.

there are reasons Al. why not open up a thread on the Learning board and talk about it?

[Toughluck]

I guess i also fall into the trap of wondering how it will work out now for my ex with someone else.  its like knowing what i know now, and assuming the new partner doesnt, i have a bizarre interest in seeing how it goes from afar.  None of the previous relationships seemed to pan out, mine included and so history and everything else says this one wont either.  but i have this ugly "what if" thought in my head, wondering if it will somehow work out with this new person and i will feel worse for it not having been with me.  all of this is to say that detaching from the situation and not caring about any of that is the only positive approach to take.

You are in the same situation than I am... I think alike... .

Altough I feel better now. Mostly because I do something that gets me excited and others around me also. It takes time but a new skill and a hobby Does the trick...

But I still feel you thought... . What if our ex's r/s's goes far? Most likely they won't But if they stay for like 2-3 years, that is a too long period of time to wait and detaching is impossible meanwhile if you (and I) wait.

How long were you together (sorry I missed it)?

Ps. One thing is for sure, our new guys are punching their heads to the wall every week after their honeymoon is over. If you could see that in person (and me as well)... .You would laugh and you would not want to go there