Can't see a way out

[trail runner]

Hello... .I am new to this message board.  I have never contributed to a message board before, but I trust this is a good place to be.

I have lived with my spouse for 18 years.  We have 2 amazing boys, 14 and 16.  His illness was always present, but over the years progressed to the point of severity that finally brought him to a diagnosis of bipolar.  I am an avid researcher (have had to be) and know in my heart the real diagnosis is BPD, maybe both, but the BPD has been the most abusive to me all these years.  All of these years, I have absorbed the horrific behavior and words he has projected onto me.  My survival instinct was to research and attempt to gather the help around us that would hopefully heal our situation.  But my husband never believed anything was wrong and that I was to blame for all that was missing in our marriage.  And because he is naturally engaging and humorful and intelligent and can be the life of the party when we're with family and friends, I always felt like I was the only one who knew the truth of what was happening.  The kids would see because he would rage, over and over, in an absolute unreasonable fashion, but this was just normal to them and they had their own internal processes going on but they didn't have to deal with him as a spouse did.  There were times when i would have to physically come in between my husband and the kids when he raged, but it was when he started shaming them (like he did me) that the mamma bear rose and began to stand up for us in a way I hadn't before.  By standing up for myself and the boys, our marriage ended in divorce and I became ostracized by his family who I had had close relationships with for 18 years.  No one believed, and if they did, it hit too close to home and they couldn't, wouldn't accept that their son or brother's illness was the center of our family's dysfuction (as well as my enabling of it all these years.) We had to sell our amazing business because he couldn't tolerate an ounce of stress.  We had to pull out of social circles.  But, the worst thing of all, even more than the abuse from his illness and trying to always counter the effects by seeking help and maintaining a stable and joyful atmosphere in our life with the boys and because i never wanted a day to pass without truly living and making the most out of everything... .the worst thing of all was not being believed.  Any attempt at therapy was money spent on the therapist trying to gain my husband's trust.  Of course marriage therapy doesn't work without first addressing the illness, but we hadn't found the right therapist yet.  And when we did, my husband pulled out, like he did in any situation or friendship when he was being confronted with the truth of what others were experiencing due to his illness. 

The other part of this story is that I enabled his behavior and disregulation because I had a strong need for equalibrium and to keep our family unit intact.  That was my biggest dream: to have an intact, close family unit the whole way through.  I still can't create a new blueprint of the future, because this dream is too strong.  Ironically, after our divorce this last year (we had been separated for 3 years prior), he hit bottom and realized he wants to get back together and spend the rest of our life together.  I know he does.  I know that even the divorce was a measure of his illness, because I know deep inside, his true person, loves me and knows we have a "good" thing and that, as he said, I know him better than anyone in the world and have stood by him and he doesn't know how I've kept myself and our family and life together in the midst of everything.  So, we are slowly spending more time together with the kids, the four of us, but I know we can never approach deeper subjects, because that is where I encounter his BPD traits and is the root of my continued re-traumatization and intense fear that is ever present in my body.  I couldn't even see a text coming in from him without panic surging through my body these last few years. 

So, I know I am getting weaker because I can't see a way out.  I so desperately want an intact family, but I can't live with him or be in relationship with him unless he recognizes this BPD part of himself and gets into DBT therapy or something that can help him see his patterns of thinking and also why I have been so fearful of him all these years.  He tells my that his abuse of me is only "my interpretation of my perception".  Anything I express of my own experience is met with deflection and "gas lighting", complete dismissing of my own truth and reality.  He's got many good qualities and can come off as such a great guy, so again, I feel isolated in being the only one who knows the truth.  And not BELIEVED.

When he was finally diagnosed with bipolar, other people listened at that point.  But I know my experience can only be found in the books on BPD, like the Walking on Eggshells book as well as BPD Demystified, etc.  I read these along with others and felt completely heard and liberated and validated.  I think that if he were actually diagnosed with BPD, others would listen.  But this will only happen if my ex-husband wants it to happen and wants help.  I am not apart of that anymore; however, I feel in an even worse position because I can't let go of my dream of an intact family unit but he is no where near coming to terms with his illness.  But if I pulled out completely, it would make co-parenting impossible in my mind and created an even worse situation at the moment.  The only way I have even been able to be around him again is because when he hit bottom this summer, he shifted somewhat and he seemed a little safer to be around.

I'm sorry I have rambled on. Just trying to give a glimpse of the overall picture.  I'm wondering if anyone has anything in their experience that is similar to mine or could lend some insight. 

Thank you and Happy New Year to you all.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi trail runner, and

it sounds like youve really been through the wringer, and im glad you reached out. there is hope; ive seen members turn their lives and relationships around.

your divorce was finalized a year ago, do i have that right? i think you mentioned a prior separation, how long ago was that and for how long?

lastly, how recently did he mention he wanted to reconcile the relationship?

[Yellowpearl]

Hi trail runner, i'd like to join once removed in welcoming you to the family. I'm sorry that you have gone through all of this turmoil with him, and all the distress caused you over the years, but i'm glad that you are reaching out.

I know how isolating it can be when you notice and are on the receiving end of all of these BPD behaviors and you point out how others don't see it and how that makes you feel you are alone in all of this. Many of us have gone through the same thing and it isn't easy. It can feel like we are going crazy! What happens is that pwBPD usually carry out a lot of these behaviors to the ones they are most closest to or intimate with. Those closest can be a trigger for the BPD, whether its triggering their fear of abandonment or fear of engulfment.
 

  But this will only happen if my ex-husband wants it to happen and wants help.  I am not apart of that anymore; however, I feel in an even worse position because I can't let go of my dream of an intact family unit but he is no where near coming to terms with his illness.  But if I pulled out completely, it would make co-parenting impossible in my mind and created an even worse situation at the moment.  The only way I have even been able to be around him again is because when he hit bottom this summer, he shifted somewhat and he seemed a little safer to be around.

I very much understand the wear and tear this decision has on you in whether to let him back in when considering co-parenting and wanting to keep the family intact. Does he feel safe to be around currently? If there were 2 main things you'd like him to work on what would they be?