i am at breaking point

[KSS77]

I recently discovered that my husband is more than likely BPD after 25 years of being together.  It seems to be getting worse, and I am at a point where I don't think I can get passed my own anger.  He gave me the book Stop Walking on Eggshells , and now I believe he thinks he can blame everything onBPD?  I don't think it is right that he cant take any responsibility for his own actions just because of a mental disorder?  Maybe I am just too angry and cant make it work anymore.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Steps31]

At least he is recognizing it, but he has to do the work as well, not just give you the book... .
Do you feel it got worse over time or did some events cause it to flare up?

[isilme]

KSS77,

I'm sorry you have to be here but glad you found us.  Your feelings are totally normal ones to have.  I discovered BPD about 10 years in (we're at about 23 total together in a few months). I was at a bad spot, at a breaking point, and close to leaving through either moving out or extreme self-harm.  This site helped.  You don't have to decide to stay or go today, tomorrow, or even next week.  Give yourself permission to learn more, feel your own feelings regardless of his, and see if the tools can help.

No.  BPD does not excuse things.  But it explains things.  I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I see it as a disability.  My H, I really do feel on good days when I am in an okay place, he gives what he has to give.  But BPD seems to make his full effort equal about a 10 on a scale of 100.  He only has 10 units of effort and coping to give, but he gives them all.  I, on the other hand, as a codependent, and as a childhood survivor of two BPD parents (no wonder this felt "normal" to me), I have learned extreme emotional control, and so I may have 100 units of effort and coping before I am spent.  

If H was in a wheelchair, I'd easily understand his physical limitations.  Reading about BPD is not to excuse them, but once we see their emotional limitations, it's a bit easier (sometimes) to take less personal hurt the very personal things thrown at us.  

Step one for us is usually to work to un-enmesh from feeling we have to fix everything, fix all their emotions, that we can't have a good day if they are having a bad day, etc.  We fall into caretaker roles, and often, from a point of self-preservation, enable them to cope badly by trying so hard to keep things "perfect" so they won't blow up - but this is an impossible task.  The real reasons for blowing up are their broken internal workings.  My H has yelled at me, but listening to the words, he's really yelling at his mom.  I accidentally reminded him of something his mom does (I was not doing it, he assumed I was) and ended up having a bag of broccoli thrown at me before it sank in how serious he was, regardless of how ridiculous I thought the issue was.  

Knowing about BPD is knowing how to protect yourself and your feelings, and in the long run, work as much as you can to force your SO to learn better coping skills, or at least remove yourself as you can from being the coping tool.  They seem to use us as external emotional processors, so their own skills are never developed or continue to atrophy.

I hope you find some help and comfort here.  Feel free to speak your mind, share your experiences, and weigh in on other posts.  All of us have had similar enough experiences we won't dismiss you.  (Hugs)

[once removed]

hi KSS77, i want to join Steps31 and isilme and say

tell us more about whats going on. whats getting worse?

[CryWolf]

Welcome to the group, I'm sorry it had to be under these conditions but you've found a welcoming and safe place among us.

Adjustng with the news that a loved one has a serious mental condition takes lots of time and lots of questions within. I understand your frustration at the moment.

I want to echo isilme and steps with the information provided. Please continue to share with us. 

There tools provided on this page that can be helpful in your relationship. Please ask, ask, ask us anytime and we are here for you.

[KSS77]

Thank you for your replies  I will jump back in once I let all of this process a bit more! Still just angry and hurt right now.

[once removed]

hope to hear more from you soon KSS77