I've barely spoken to my mom with BPD since her last outburst 6 mos ago. Now?

[major_psych]

Six months ago, I confronted my mother about having BPD for the first time, while on a trip to see her mother out-of-state. I did so because she had been acting weird around her family and she asked me why I wasn't very talkative. It didn't go well. I should've held my tongue.

She stormed off, and 45 minutes later came back screaming and crying. She said things to me that I knew where untrue, but they were still so hurtful in the moment that I questioned if they *were* true. I started to question her accusations about my character and the other stuff she said, and upon going to bed I had nightmares- it was that bad. I don't usually get nightmares.

The day we got back, I went back to my house and haven't seen or spoken to her since. She texts me sometimes, writes me letters, and she has even called the store I work at. I have repeatedly texted her to stop and I think she gets the message that I won't talk to her until I decide I can.

My question is for those who have a parent with the disorder. Naturally I worry about my mom. I worry about her ability to hold her job, and her ability to function living alone with just her dog. She doesn't have a history of self-harm, but you never know, right? For those who've distanced themselves from a BPD parent, are you able to make them know you care about them while staying away from them? I know I'll talk and be with her again at some point, but it's going to be quite a while.  Just looking for advice from anyone who's been in a similar position. Thanks. 

[RiseUp]

Hello,
I have a mother with uBPD. I am in the process of trying to cut her off so I dont have answers for you but want you to know that I understand you and share your pain.  This is tough emotional guilt I carry.  My mom just had double mastectomy and so Ive worried about her but she seems to be the same old person, not affected by cancer.  I have a 2 year old and it doesnt seem to be easy to let her know I love and care but keep a distance.  We seem to fight, she is the witch or waif and I get upset, build up boundaries and the cycle starts all over again when she breaks down the boundaries that are so tiresome to keep up.  I dont think I can do it anymore.  I have to come to terms that she will be just fine.  Its not up to me anymore to make my Mom happy, its on her.  I told her I love her but I have to take care of myself and now my toddler.

[Harri]

Hi major_psych and welcome to the board. 

You definitely are not alone.  A lot of our members are either managing no contact situations or are thinking about it. 

Telling someone you think they have BPD usually goes about as well as it did for you.  Getting someone to see and admit that they have a problem is difficult and that is not even considering getting help and sticking with it.  Therapy is hard for anyone.

Have you directly told your mom that you want space?  Prior to going no contact how often did you see and talk with your mom?  Do you live close?  I'm just trying to get a feel for the situation. 

[major_psych]

Thank you both for your responses. @RiseUp I wish you and your family the best. Nothing will set your straight like having a child and that comes first. @Harri thanks for the advice.

I'm in college, living an hour away from my mom. Before this incident, we saw each other twice a month for lunch, or I'd visit her at home. Earlier this year we started to repair some things and I became more comfortable with her than I'd been in years. I confided things in her that I previously never thought I would.

Unfortunately, it crashed hard in this incident. I've felt strongly that I need to avoid her words and her presence because she can be so manipulative. I'm adamant about keeping my distance and I'm okay with it. It doesn't really bother me anymore. I do believe I can resume a relationship with her in the future.

What bothers me is my concern for her well-being. I haven't told her directly that I want us to keep our distance, but I am considering doing so.

Funny thing: In her letters to me, she has directly projected much of her own experience on to me. For example, she's told me that "I know you're in a great deal of emotional pain" from being separated from her. In a letter soon after our incident, she even said something like, "I sense a great deal of resentment and animosity from you. I'm going to keep my distance from you." It's funny because it's so backwards, and because she tries to contact me regularly.

Anyways, I think a simple statement telling her I care about her, but want distance from her for now, would dispel much of my concern. Until now I've been very hesitant to tell her anything on my mind but I think it would help. Thanks again.

[RiseUp]

Hello,
I really feel our situations are similar.  When I was dating my husband, I was terrified of the "meeting".  And it didnt go well.  I did warn him but you know its hard to prepare for this type of behavior.  I still gave her a chance later to attend his PhD graduation and meet his mother to plan for our wedding.  Well, that was a disaster, just the worst, it got to the point where I gave her the phone number to the airline and taxi service and told her she could leave early because we were not spending one more day with her.  That was the first time I stood up to my Mom, boy was that empowering.  That is what brought me to this website and I had the breakthrough moment. 
Consequently I didnt invite my mom to my wedding and I dont regret it one bit, but it was hard.  I had a good therapist, support group and this website.  The survivors guide helped, I followed all the steps.  I also read the books suggested here, I found the Understanding the Borderline Mother resonated with me A LOT.  Stop walking on eggshells is short, I think I read that first.
I went no contact for awhile just because that event was so horrible and she blamed me for everything - it was the way I looked at her, the way I said this, she was being protective and worried, etc...   And oh boy did she use things that I said in the past against me. 
Eventually I started contact but she has never taken responsibility for her actions. She has apologized but not said why or what she is apologizing for.  So the event keeps coming up in small ways.  I have been finding it hard to go no contact again even though I need to.  I think for the same reason, I worry about her.  I have basically been her emotional support my whole life - that has been my role, its really hard to turn it off.  But now I have a wonderful husband and smart wonderful daughter that I want to have a wonderful life with and I have to end this toxic relationship before it damages my marriage and really my mental health.  My mom hung up on my daughter two nights ago, we were in the car and my daughter wanted to call her.  So we did.  My daughter was sweet, said "I love you Nana" but when my mom started questioning me about when she could visit and not talking to my daughter, my daughter then said she wanted to talk to Oma (my husbands mother), my Mom got upset - because she was jealous, and hung up on us.  I couldnt make out what she said, but it was a huff and puff and hang up.  So I have to protect my daughter.  It doesnt take away the guilt I have.  I am finding it though extremely helpful to go back to my roots here - reading the books, reading the lessons going over the survivor program.  It is giving me comfort and strength. Maybe that can help you too.
Good luck!

[Harri]

Until now I've been very hesitant to tell her anything on my mind but I think it would help. Thanks again.

I think it would help too.  This way you both know what is going on.  I would not get too personal however as to why you need distance.  All too frequently things get turned around on us or are used against us.  A lot of us learned the hard way to keep things simple and to leave out information that is too personal.

It sounds to me like you have a good handle on things over all.

It is interesting how the projection is showing up.  I agree you have a pretty clear indication of what your mom is feeling, not that it is up to you to fix or soothe her though.