S37's anger has burned nearly every bridge

[Herrin]

I am a woman long divorced from the father of our children. Our eldest just turned 37. He has had difficulty for a very long time. He is not formally diagnosed. He fits the criteria and description of someone with BPD and displays increasingly worrisome bouts of what seems like narcissitic rage. I was the target this morning. As long as it's been, I continue to be affected by these episodes. I really need support and know that support communities can be very helpful. My son has been unable to keep a job. He is verbally abusive, and has sent emails, texts and postings on social media to many people he knows from his past - these communications are hateful and scary in their intensity, and have been increasingly more and more public. He refutes or excuses away all of it. He completely refuses to acknowledge the effect and consequence his behavior has on others.  His stepmother and brothers girlfriend are also particularly attacked regularly. His father continues to be available to him and help him. However, today, his father cancelled a breakfast they had planned on and his fathers reason was that I had shared with his father the most recent communications from our son. My son absolutely exploded and raged at me. I feel that my confidential sharing was used inappropriately by the father. I am shocked and angered at feeling like I've been thrown under the bus in this way. Our son doesn't care that this is his fathers decision, and is blindly furious with me.I love him so much and this is so painful to experience, but also feel that I need  to protect myself. I've tried detachment, estrangement and recently he tried to trickle back in touch with me... .ultimately to ask for favors. I communicated with him that I am not going to help him out anymore... .it's been years of financial support and help... .there's no end to it, no gratitude. I fear for our son. I fear his years of stuffing down, denying, and living without any positive feedback of successful employment, friends, schooling will erupt in ways that may put him or others at risk. There has been gradual trending towards more vicious, hateful anger. He has burned almost every bridge.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Herrin,



I'd like to welcmoe you to our family I'm glad that you have decided to join us. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time, it's difficult when misdirect anger is directed at you and you're going through a smear campaing where a pwBPD will project themselves on others to absolve responsibility for their actions. It's a tough spot to be in and it can feel like there's nothing that you can do there is hope.

and has sent emails, texts and postings on social media to many people he knows from his past - these communications are hateful and scary in their intensity, and have been increasingly more and more public

Usually these are extreme for a pwBPD has he done in the past? A pwBPD don't handle stress very well at all, you mentioned that he's trying to trickly back in asking for favors, it sounds like he could have his back against the wall for him to act out like this.

What does he want? What were the circumstances that led you to go no contact with him?

It helps to talk to others that have gone through similar situations as your own and can offer you guidance and support, you're not alone.

Here's a short video on ending conflict that I found really helpful:

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

[Lollypop]

Hi there

I’m so very sorry your going through all of this turmoil. It sounds complicated and a bit of a roller coaster ride for the whole family. I’m glad you found us.

He completely refuses to acknowledge the effect and consequence his behavior has on others

Sadly we can’t change others.

We are left with the only thing we can change and that is ourselves and how we react to them. You’ve said you’ve tried everything. That’s what brought me here too - I was at a wall not knowing how or if I wanted to even try to find another way. I thought, well - nothing else has worked let’s try this.

I got to work here and, honestly, I know that you can help yourself learn how to interact with your son. Using these new skills, others will watch and see their benefits. They learn from you without even realising and positively respond - including your son... Everybody can get along a bit better. At present, you are all bouncing around emotionally and reacting - you’ve said your son is “blind furious” - he isn’t thinking straight.

None of us makes good decisions when we are highly emotional. Calm is needed. You can find a way to be calm in the presence of the turmoil of your family. You can become the parent they need right now.

I’m not offering a magic quick fix to a your problems. What I will say is that we’ve found a way forwards, we have a healthier relationship with our son 28 despite the problems (he’s a quiet BPD).

I've tried detachment, estrangement and recently he tried to trickle back in touch with me... .ultimately to ask for favors. I communicated with him that I am not going to help him out anymore... .it's been years of financial support and help... .there's no end to it, no gratitude.

I’ve no expectations from my son as I can’t change him. I don’t give him money - but when I told him I did it using the new skills I learnt.

We all want the same in life and that’s to FEEL loved and BE understood.

I encourage you to read what you can here and post up often,

I’m glad you’re here.

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

I join the others in welcoming you here and assuring you that rhis is the right place to find help. Seeing your son spin out of control like this must be terrifying. My DS24xpwBPD rages sometimes albeit not as severely as yours. What helps is reminding myself that it really isn't about me. He is acting out of pain and I am just the safe target. I am learning bit by bit to stay calm in the storm. I hope you will also start to find a peace that comes from within and does not depend on external circumstances. I think it is good you are sticking to your boundaries. Enabling him won't help you or him. I also see such great love in you. I love the way LP put it. You can be the parent he needs. I hope you keep posting. It helps