Healthier Dating: How do you know when it's time to date again?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

for some people, dating is a "norm"; getting back to dating after a relationship ends is part of "getting back to normal".

others embrace the single life for an extended period, focusing on themselves, or at least staying out of committed relationships.

still others find that the best way to get over an ex partner is to quickly find a new one.

lets explore some questions as a group:

• where do you fall between the three historically?
• is there such a thing as dating too soon? how do you know the difference?
• does the length of time of the previous relationship make a difference in how long to wait until dating again?

[once removed]

for some people, dating is a "norm"; getting back to dating after a relationship ends is part of "getting back to normal".

others embrace the single life for an extended period, focusing on themselves, or at least staying out of committed relationships.

still others find that the best way to get over an ex partner is to quickly find a new one.

lets explore some questions as a group:

• where do you fall between the three historically?
• is there such a thing as dating too soon? how do you know the difference?
• does the length of time of the previous relationship make a difference in how long to wait until dating again?

[itsmeSnap]

where do you fall between the three historically?
All over the place, for me its not about time but about meeting a new person. Its not like I go out to meet people to get over it, but when I do I think less often about the previous relationship, which I have sometimes held on for years after it was over. it can be as little as a few weeks.

is there such a thing as dating too soon? how do you know the difference?
The difference I think is when its too soon you're trying to "replace" the other person or "show him/her how well I'm doing" instead of thinking of a fresh new start.

does the length of time of the previous relationship make a difference?
To me time hasn't really been an issue.

At some point I did avoid romantic relationships outright because I wanted to focus on my studies but it felt "forced".

my 2c

[gotbushels]

where do you fall between the three historically?
Probably dating is the norm. I used to sometimes feel that I'm less of a person if I was single; I learned a lot of people feel that way - I know that isn't true and it's still OK to feel that way. I feel much more comfortable single or dating today.


is there such a thing as dating too soon? how do you know the difference?
Yes I think so. If someone seems to be fleeing one relationship to get into another, then I think that's a good sign that this person is dating too soon. Of course, I'm thinking of my UexBPDGF as a good example rofl. If someone seems to represent parts of a tripod (with reference to drama triangles), and they're searching for a third-limb to appear stable, then that's too soon--perhaps like they depend on a person to maintain some psychological homeostasis. That's different from that natural human tendency to seek intimate relationships.

Yes, I think nons can definitely date again, but then it's a question of leaving food on the plate. Going forward, non's have this unusual opportunity to increase their emotional maturity. Given emotional maturities attract--and the opportunity to grow emotional maturity, then it implies you can attract more emotionally mature women. Therefore, if you can date a woman whom is physically attractive to you, and increase your odds of emotional maturity in that woman, then why wouldn't you? Yes emotional growth often takes time and effort, but the payoffs could be very large--specifically in your relationship life.

For nons dating too soon, I think if you haven't processed the wheat, grown to get more of what you want, learned what your contributions to the dysfunctions were, these are all signs you could be dating too soon. That compares with Masterson's idea that fragmented selves "never developed the capacity to mourn and recover from a loss." If the non has been gifted this capacity to mourn and recover, use it!

Naturally, the corollary person is the one who is afraid to date. If you don't date and take those risks, then you can't get that feedback on your 'performance' in relationships.


does the length of time of the previous relationship make a difference?
I think so, and you want to look at the specifics of your own relationship. Assuming this means the relationship with the BP, I think the following.

If you had a short relationship then it could mean that your emotional health had such intolerance to the BP that the relationship disintegrated in 1 to 3 months. Perhaps you're so 'emotionally healthy'. Good news.

In another iteration, the BP could be on the 'healthier' end of the trait spectrum, and has learned on some level that her possibly NPD-traited composite isn't healthy for her, thereby causing destruction of the relationship sooner. Not good news.

Or perhaps she was a BP that wasn't good at enlisting caretakers lmao.

Using the services of a T as the observing third party could probably help with inventorying here. Then taking the results of that, you can see what work you may want to do. If you dated someone with a serious mental illness, I think you owe it to yourself to see how you can do one better.


Enjoy your peace and have fun dating. 

[Mutt]

where do you fall between the three historically?

I used to fall in one category but today I don’t think that it’s a fast and hard rule whereas I used to think that way.

I fall in between the first two my last break up I didn’t think that I needed to stop for a long time and reflect because I took a four year break after my break up with my ex pwBPD I didn’t think needed an extended break or to learn anything from it other than apply what I learned from my last break up.

What I mean by that is that I wanted to reverse the break up. I didn’t want to be on standby and do everything that my ex at the time wanted me to do I started moving on so that it shows to her that the window to get back together has a time limit.

Also if I wanted to reverse it I had to figure what I had done wrong how to fix it put in the the effort and do it quickly - I didn’t stay idle hoping that she would change her mind and want to get back together or hope that things are going to work out on their own.

is there such a thing as dating too soon? how do you know the difference?

I’m pretty sure that some members have experienced talking to family and friends looking for support and they didn’t quite know what to stay - so they may have suggested to get back on the horse and start dating again.

That will soothe anxiety and distract you from the grief and pain but when is that too soon? Let me ask you a similar question what if you had a long term partner and they died and family and friends are trying to help you get over that grief by suggesting that you date? Is three weeks too soon? Is a month too soon?

does the length of time of the previous relationship make a difference in how long to wait until dating again

There’s a formula of it takes you half of the time of the length of the r/s to process the grief and move on.

What if you weren’t given proper closure or the end of the r/s carried trauma with it? I think that once you get there you’ll sense how long it will take you to get over it. It’s heard to judge before you’re in a r/s or even when you’re in a new one. Other things to take into consideration is how healthy was the r/s, was there a lot of conflict, how was your sense of self, how was your self esteem, was there depression etc... .

[zachira]

A key factor for me in knowing when it is time to date again is the age of the person who is wondering whether they are ready to date or not, after an emotionally destructive relationship. When we are teenagers or in our twenties, most of the people in the dating pool are pretty healthy. The older we get, the more together we have to be in knowing who is healthy and the stronger we have to be to get over a relationship that did not work out, because the number of people who are unable to have a healthy relationship increases with age to a point where there are more unhealthy partners in the dating pool than good choices.

[Yellowpearl]

I need at least 6 months to a year before I start up again. If it was very emotionally damaging, then a year. I'll spend that year focusing on things I like to do or start up with interests again that I may have let go of during the relationship. I might be open to meeting someone within that time earlier but I don't go out searching for it when i'm recovering.

[gotbushels]

The older we get, the more together we have to be in knowing [... .] because the number of people who are unable to have a healthy relationship increases with age [... .]

I like the straight-talk zachira.   

[once removed]

my norm was always to take a long time out, no matter the length of the relationship.

if im being honest, that was due to the fact that i never took breakups well, and my confidence tended to go in the trash, so i really wouldnt have been in a place to attract much of anyone, even if id wanted to.

i guess the point though, is that time in and of itself wont heal anything. i see a lot these days, this attitude of "i need to be single for a while and not want a relationship and love myself". i was single for three years before i got with my ex. i was single for a year after that before continuing to make dumb decisions, and i felt i had sufficiently mourned and grieved that relationship.

i did reflecting between all of these relationships. i didnt really learn solid lessons, or apply them.

[Yellowpearl]

You're very on point onceremoved , things don't change or get better the next time just by grieving and spending a long period of time of being single to recover. You have to do the work and do a lot of self-reflection. Before I met this last person, I had a year of downtime coming out of another emotionally destructive situation. I thought since I grieved and focused on hobbies and stuff for a year, I was clear and ready for this last person until that ended up being a stupid choice too.

I think if the past relationship took a toll on one's self esteem and shattered a person's confidence, and you shouldn't even been with that person, you have to start looking within yourself deeply, ask the sort questions like: why was I attracted to them, what do I want in a person, how do I wanted to be treated, why did I tolerate xyz, what was going on with me. For me, I completely lost myself but if I had a stronger sense of self before I entered, this maybe I wouldn't have been easy prey to certain abusive or plain destructive behaviors. The stronger boundaries, beliefs and values you have, the less likely you make decisions based solely on feelings. Even though I knew internally certain behaviors are so toxic which I learned from previous situations. Just knowing that isn't always gonna help. When you're in the situation, it's a different story and you can overlook things. What i'd needed to do was develop my sense of self.

[Tsultan]

Such a great question and lots of great insight here. 

For me there are some variables to consider. I don't think time is the ultimate factor in determining when it's time to date again but definitely is a consideration.  I liked what someone posted in another post which is a year and a day.  Then I would have a chance experience one year of celebration and holidays on my own.  That way I don't project any sideways emotion on the new guy.  On the thought of sideways emotion I think it's important for me to deal with any emotions and find the root of what's going on with me at any time whether or not I'm in a relationship.

It also depends on what I do with the time I have to myself while I am in between relationships.  Am I doing any self reflection?  What lessons have I learned?  I can say personally,  as painful as this BPD relationship has been, I wouldn't have done anything differently.  I am a better person for it.  I have more compassion and a greater understanding of each individuals emotional carburetor, I've learned some things about my own temperment,  I learned how to listen and validate the other person even if I don't agree with them which I think is a wonderful gift.  More to mention which would be a great topic.

I'm not happy about the sadness I feel when I miss my exBPDbf but that is lessening with time.
I think it's important to through the entire grieving process.  I am not there yet but definitely on the downward hill side of it.

To know the difference if it's too soon to begin dating? I wouldn't want to use another person to help me forget my pain.  To me that's unfair to another human being. 

I will begin to date again when I have processed all my feelings and put them in the archive folder only to be drawn upon as needed.  If I'm still feeling any anger towards my exBPDbf I definitely know it's not a good time to begin dating.  I think if I could have a friendship with him and my feelings of attraction are no longer there for him that would be a good sign.  Acceptance of the situation and the ability to let go in love. 

Tsultan

[Mutt]

I am a better person for it.  I have more compassion and a greater understanding of each individuals emotional carburetor, I've learned some things about my own temperment,  I learned how to listen and validate the other person even if I don't agree with them which I think is a wonderful gift.

I can relate with that now I more empathy in a r/s for the other person I always try to put myself into my partners view and try to see if from her perspective.

Self awareness I had plenty of, I'm an introvert I spend a of time with my feelings and thoughts. I was self absorbed when I was with my exuBPDw because I had my own issues that were not dealt with - depression and anxiety were at the top of the list.

I speak for myself when I say this I attracted someone that is tops when it comes to BPD traits what traits do I have that attracted that - depressive. That helped me finally get help for myself and treat my depression and now I'm not fighting myself to function that takes a lot mental energy and I can see how I would be self absorbed if someone were to interact with me.

I'm thankful for the r/s with my exuBPDw because I feel happier, I took care of my depression and try to stay ahead of my anxiety with meds and fitness - you can reduce anxiety it's always there. I knew in my 20's when the anxiety was severe that there something with me that was not right but I didn't know that what I was feeling and what I was experiencing mentally was anxiety it's possible I could have live through my entire life like that. I avoided certain situations, oppurtunities etc because of anxiety it affects your quality of life if left untreated.

Validation, active listening, empathy, awareness, repairing r/s's, interpreting between the lines or being able to tell what someone wants or is going to do by their behaviours are all things that have benefit me and the r/s' that I've had with people.

I recall a session that I had with a P in my early 20's and I avoided situations and people because I have abandonment fears the P said that you can't live by yourself on an island and he was right. You learn from others what you put out there in life because it reflects back if you're not around anyone then you're not really getting a realistic picture of who you are you don't know what to fix.

A pwBPD have chaotic r/s's, have social impairments, fears of abandonment, projection etc and from that dysfunction you learn what is the most important thing in life and this is r/s's with family, romantic ones and friends. The contrast between how a pwBPD relates with others and r/s's in general couldn't be more different.