Brutal break up - need support please

[CharlieRose30]

Hi Everyone,
I'm hoping you can help me as I am so confused and broken right now, I don't know how to cope.  I'll try to keep this brief...
My uxbwBPD of three years broke up with me out of the blue about six weeks ago.  I'm hoping someone can help me determine what is going on, and how I can help myself move on.  I'm feeling helpless and lost.

We had just (four weeks prior) moved to his home city from mine, where we had both been living together.  We had planned this relocation for over a year, and were so excited about it.  However, he started distancing himself from me, started picking little fights, getting extremely angry etc not long after we arrived.  He had recently begun taking antidepressants so I put this behaviour down to him transitioning onto them, as well as stress from moving.

We found a house,  started working, everything was going according to plan.  Then, he decided he did not like the job he was in, so raised a complaint against his employer (!) and quit, a week after he started.  The same day he quit, he came home and broke up with me.  Saying he 'had to do what was right for him' and placing the blame on me, calling me a bad girlfriend who didn't treat him right(believe me, I did!). Two days earlier, we were talking to his family about getting married next year.  We had also been planning to try for a baby in early 2019.  I was shocked. I knew nobody in this new city and found it so traumatic and devastating. He started being more and more cruel towards me.

There are clear patterns with him - in the time I've known him, he has had 5 different jobs, and with each one he has left on bad terms (he has made  complaints about someone at each place, accused people of bullying). It's always someone else's fault.
Throughout our relationship he has broken up with me numerous times.  Just when I think things are going ok.  Stupidly, I always run after him, trying to fix things.  He will claim the breakups are all my fault and I have to change something (always different) about myself in order for him to stay. So I do/did. And we have a period of peace/what I believed to be peace, until it all breaks down again. Rinse and repeat.
He has tumultuous relationships with his family, constantly pushing people away and not talking to them for years at a time.

Only now that I'm away from him can I see the patterns that were in play in our relationship.  It was a rollercoaster.  I found myself walking on eggshells around him to try and keep him happy/anticipate his mood.  He was emotionally abusive, and accused me of being controlling, having low self esteem, having no confidence, hating him, being no fun, the list goes on.  All things that I can honestly say, are not true.  In retrospect, I believe this to be projection, and that this is how he was feeling about himself. But I'm doubting myself. He really had me believing that the relationship problems were 100% my fault. 

I moved back home and initially he would call constantly, in tears saying he missed me but in the next breath, being extremely hurtful (saying I don't deserve the happily ever after/he's angry he stayed with me for so long/he'll never look at me the same way).   Eventually I told him I couldn't speak to him like this anymore and since then he has gone cold and angry and almost silent. 

About two weeks after I left, I believe he started seeing someone.  This is the kicker for me.  I am here devastated, barely able to function and he is off with someone else seemingly without a care in the world. It really hurts.  Can someone help me make sense of all this please?  I'm really struggling.

[once removed]

hi CharlieRose30,

i can hear the pain in your post, and im glad you reached out. i hope youll stick around as part of the family here, because in my experience, nothing was more critical to my own recovery than having a strong support system. i want you to know that things really do get better.

About two weeks after I left, I believe he started seeing someone.  This is the kicker for me.  I am here devastated, barely able to function and he is off with someone else seemingly without a care in the world. It really hurts.  Can someone help me make sense of all this please?  I'm really struggling.

my ex was in a new relationship about that quickly as well. it feels incredibly, painfully, surreal to witness and experience. it is of little comfort to know that overlapping relationships are a coping mechanism that some people, including some people with BPD traits, will use, rather than fully grieve and do the hard work of healing.

Only now that I'm away from him can I see the patterns that were in play in our relationship.

likely, as the pain subsides (which is a process), you will continue to see this. our article on Surviving a Breakup (a good place to start) tells us that unbeknown to us, there is usually a great deal boiling underneath the surface for our ex partners, a great deal of which we may not be privy to, though in hindsight, sometimes some of it becomes a little clearer. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)

since then he has gone cold and angry and almost silent. 

has there been any continued contact since?

[CharlieRose30]

Hi Once Removed

Thank you for responding, I really do appreciate it.

has there been any continued contact since?
[/quote]

There’s only been small amounts of contact for the last week or so. Short messages regarding  some belongings and a Merry Christmas from him. I miss him so much and all I want is to speak to him but he’s like a different person now, so it’s easier for me not to be in contact. How can he not be feeling the same as me? It hurts that he doesn’t miss me like I do him. It’s hard seeing/speaking everyday and now just nothing. 

That article was an eye opener, particularly this:
“If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.”
This resonates with me at the moment. Our break up has brought to light just how different our experiences are/were. While I’m dreaming of our future together, he is feeling like he can’t get away from me fast enough. It makes no sense.

I think I’m still a little bit in denial. I have moments where  I just stop and wonder how on earth this has happened. I can’t believe he’s thrown it all away, when we were so close to having everything we had dreamed of (or was it never his dream?). Yes he was hard work at times, but he could be so lovely too and I just want to shake him .

[Mindfried]

CR30

Here are your answers in two songs: Lady Gaga-I’ll never love again. It’s how you are currently feeling. Song #2 is by Leona Lewis-Better in time. That in my opinion is the only solution. Watch the videos on YouTube. Have some tissues near by. Also have faith that as painful as this is and it may never fully go away you are better off and it will get better in time.

[Beneck]

unbeknown to us, there is usually a great deal boiling underneath the surface for our ex partners, a great deal of which we may not be privy to, though in hindsight, sometimes some of it becomes a little clearer.

What can that "boiling underneath" be? Is it about the perceived rejections from the non-BPD partner accumulating and "triggering" the BPD partner's trauma?

[once removed]

What can that "boiling underneath" be?

i think there are stages of relationships, especially the beginning and the end, where two partners often arent on the same page, even if it doesnt feel that way. with BPD, that can just be more extreme.

it’s easier for me not to be in contact.

space can be hard, but good. it is in the long and short run, preferable to rehashing things or fighting, or opening yourself up to rejection, or a host of things.

This resonates with me at the moment. Our break up has brought to light just how different our experiences are/were. While I’m dreaming of our future together, he is feeling like he can’t get away from me fast enough. It makes no sense.

i found it shocking too, that things played out under my nose, and that my perception could be very different. its a huge shock to the system, and it can feel pretty traumatic.

I think I’m still a little bit in denial. I have moments where  I just stop and wonder how on earth this has happened. I can’t believe he’s thrown it all away, when we were so close to having everything we had dreamed of (or was it never his dream?).

at a certain point in my journey of grief, i told myself that this was going to be a long journey, with extreme ups and downs, and i tried to prepare myself for that the best i could, and i tried to, as best i could, detach a bit and kind of just observe them as they happened. you will be surprised how far anticipating that this will be a difficult journey will go. things will still hurt... .you may still be caught off guard by waves, but you wont be so surprised when it happens, or judge yourself for not being further along, that kind of thing.

and of course, you will need that strong support system. it does get better, and we are here to help you get through this.

[CharlieRose30]

I still have so many questions circling  in my head. I don’t understand why this happened right when things were about to take off for us. Also, the timing of him quitting his job, then leaving me on the same day seems so bizarre. We had worked so hard to get to this point, and he burned it to the ground, without much of a second glance.
I feel  like I need answers from him or validation that he knows how much he hurt me, or something!

[Luan]

I feel  like I need answers from him or validation that he knows how much he hurt me, or something!

That might be the hardest thing to get right now. If he is emotionally disassociated from you, asking those things can drive them further away.

Our break up has brought to light just how different our experiences are/were. While I’m dreaming of our future together, he is feeling like he can’t get away from me fast enough. It makes no sense.

Unfortunately we all all make sense to ourselves, that what being human is. His actions make sense to him, and understanding that will take some space and time.

I wanted the same answers, thinking that the love cannot just disappear, and really it hasn't, but it has been subsumed by a greater force that demanded these events to take place. Do you think the move itself had any impact on his actions?

[Coastered]

He really had me believing that the relationship problems were 100% my fault. 

This is very common.  Nothing is ever their fault and when I say nothing I really do mean nothing.  They accept no blame, they are the true victims and this is why they never ever learn or change.

To change you need to learn.

[Tsultan]

I echo Coasterrd in that untreated BPDs do not take responsibility for their behavior unfortunately and often blame others instead. My exBPDbf was very convincing because he came across very strong and confident. I had to get support from others to validate my motives in regards to our conflicts.

It sounds like you have already learned a good deal about the disorder and are starting to get a clear head. That’s what it took for me. Learning about the disorder was the beginning of the gift of forgiveness... I still love him but I need to love myself more at the moment and that means limited contact if he does reach out to me. He too dropped out of my universe because I set a boundary. 8 mos ago. Won’t answer texts, phone calls etc. it’s a real mind f   someone said on another post in regards to closure that they needed to “stop the bleeding “ so that stuck with me and now I try to remember that whenever I am tempted to reach out again.

Take care of you right now and try to something good for yourself every day. It’s not selfish it’s self care.

You are not alone. Unfortunately this is all normal behavior for them.

Hang in there. It does get better.

 
Tsultan

[Fie]

Dear CharlieRose30,



I am so sorry. I think I have a fair idea of what you are going through. I have had a relationship like that. He was BPD / NPD.

Have you read 'the journey from abandonment to healing' ? It helped me understand why I felt the way I felt, and it helped me to feel less alone.

I still have so many questions circling  in my head. I don’t understand why this happened right when things were about to take off for us. Also, the timing of him quitting his job, then leaving me on the same day seems so bizarre. We had worked so hard to get to this point, and he burned it to the ground, without much of a second glance.
I feel  like I need answers from him or validation that he knows how much he hurt me, or something!

I so much understand that you are wondering about all of this. I was, too (the fact that I am very analytical didn't help).  By doing so however, you are focusing on him. Not on you. And this is about you here. We want you to get to feel better and to get trough this. Also ... maybe acting this way is just part of who he is. Erratic. You did say it was not the first time he left you. Or his job. Some people just don't know what they want ... add the fact that they are hurting, from something real or imagined, or in the past, and we get a chaotic lifestyle. We can keep on wondering why they are doing all of those things, but that won't help us - they are just doing it and that's it.

Now, how about you. Do you have a support system ? A therapist ?
What are you doing for self care ?
Do you have family you can rely on ? Or friends ? A pet ?
Hobbies ?

One thing is sure, you have us here.

[CharlieRose30]

Do you think the move itself had any impact on his actions?

I do think the move impacted his actions, however that is only in hindsight.  It was a stressful time for both of us.  But when we broke up, all that stress was easing.  I wonder if he felt overwhelmed that this move signalled the start of us going down the marriage/babies/settling down route, even though he insisted that was what he wanted.

Now, how about you. Do you have a support system ? A therapist ?
What are you doing for self care ?
Do you have family you can rely on ? Or friends ? A pet ?
Hobbies ?

I have started seeing a therapist, which seems to be helping.  I have trouble focusing on myself rather than what he is doing/feeling/thinking etc so I hope she can help me a bit with that.
I do have a good support system, I have moved back to where my family are and my friends have been very supportive... .however I feel like they are getting tired of me talking about it.  I don't know if that's true or not, but I have a hard time reaching out and asking for help when I need it. 
I've been thinking about adopting a puppy actually, but it might be a bit much for my current state!  As for hobbies, I'm trying to go to the gym as much as I can, I've taken up knitting (!) and am trying to keep myself busy.

Honestly, today has been a bad one for me.  I can't seem to snap out of the sadness, it's overwhelming me today.  I'm ruminating and keep thinking 'if only I had done this/been more that etc' then he wouldn't have left me. 
I know in my brain that this break up is not all my fault, but today I can't shake the belief that I am to blame, and that he was right all along.  It's making me question everything.  Was any of our relationship real?  Did he ever actually love me? How did I not see through him?

I'm angry with myself for getting so caught up in him and his happiness that I lost myself, and I'm angry with myself for still missing him and being heartbroken when he has written me off like I never existed.

I almost contacted him earlier, and I still am resisting the urge to reach out.  Can anyone talk me out of doing this please?

[once removed]

I have trouble focusing on myself rather than what he is doing/feeling/thinking etc so I hope she can help me a bit with that.

you are used to having him in your life, and this all feels very sudden. its a huge adjustment.

I can't seem to snap out of the sadness

you cant snap out of mourning and grief, CR30. be gentle with yourself, and let yourself cry when you need to.

I'm angry with myself for still missing him and being heartbroken when he has written me off like I never existed.

a word of advice that helped me a lot in my own recovery: this isnt a contest. this is your grieving process. the more you tell yourself you should or shouldnt feel a certain way, the more you try to fight off feelings of longing, they worse you will feel, and the more they will persist.

what helped me (this is going to be more challenging right now, obviously; things are very raw) was learning to observe my feelings without judgment... .just notice them drift in and out, and come and go. you would be surprise how much, with practice, it can take the edge off.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[Tsultan]

CharlieRose30,  

Oh how I remember those urges too!  Before my awareness and education of this disorder I remember a time when I was coming home from a 2 week training session in CO. I arrived at the airport and started driving home.  I missed him so much because I had been away from home for 2 weeks feeling homesick and he was my "home" even though he broke up with me yet again just before I left.  It was like my finger just took over and dialed his number.  

As I mentioned earlier, he has scratched me from his life 8 mos ago one final time.  I think I dodged a bullet. I am pretty sure that I could be strong enough now to resist him. There was a time when all bets were off.  I couldn't resist his charming ways and his big presence. He is 6' tall and comes across confident and sure of himself and for me that is very attractive.  His voice used to make me melt.  I just had to go through what I had to go through.  I am out on the other side today a stronger person for it.  I have learned a lot because of this relationship and I can say I am a better person for it.  I had to keep trying until there was no try left.  That's just how I am and I know it.  And that's okay.  When I do decide to let go usually there is no going back.

I also remember obsessing on him so much throughout the day it was exhausting.  I had to force myself to think about something else.  I thought I was going crazy.  I would pray to God to release me of the obsession.  

Then one day I "accidentally" ran into him at a park where we used to meet.  We couldn't avoid each other.  He asked me to walk with him so I did.  We talked just like always, enjoyed each other's company and parted ways.  All I could think about for the rest of the night was how much I missed him, how much I wanted to be with him - ugh!  It was like I had to start ALL over again grieving.  I texted him the next day to tell him I enjoyed seeing him, I sent him a Christmas card.  I of course got no response.  So, it was from that point on that I decided to quit contacting him.  It was like closure had begun to happen for me.  That is where I am today.

I am not sure if that story has helped you or not but it's my experience, strength and hope.

It will get better and time does heal.  It's painful I know. Try your best to feel the pain as it comes.  This is what I did and it helped me get through the process.  

I come here EVERY day still to read the posts so I can reassure myself.  I will do this as long as it takes.  It's getting better.  It will for you too.

Take care,
Tsultan

[Fie]

How about trying this ? It worked for me.

https://youtu.be/Bbx696KeNaI

Think about this... .he would have left you anyway. Even if this time you would have reacted perfectly to everything. It's what he does.

Let us know how it goes.

[CharlieRose30]

I really really miss him. This is the first New Year in a few years that I’ve been on my own and I’m so so lonely and the loss of him feels like a physical ache. Im trying to keep busy but all I want to do is call him and hear his voice.
The longer I go not contacting him, the more I start thinking that this is some silly mistake, and that he’ll ‘snap out of it’. I’m almost convincing myself of this just so I can reach out to him. I feel like this is all just too much for me.

[once removed]

CR30, it may help to accept that this is going to be a hard, long road, through mourning and grieving, to detaching and healing. things got easier for me when i radically accepted that... .i anticipated that things might get worse before they got better, that i might have a good day followed by several disastrous days, or vice versa.

recovery is a bull you have to take by the horns. in my experience, nothing was more critical for me than building a strong support system.

it would be a good step to book an appointment with a therapist, and perhaps see a doctor for a meds evaluation.

it would be a good step to surround yourself with friends and family, as much as you are able.

it would be a good step to stay in regular touch with the board and talk it out, work through your feelings, and ask questions pertaining to your recovery and BPD. we understand what you are going through. its good to be connected to a community that can relate to you. additionally, id really encourage you to post in the threads of others. it will help build your support network, it can go a long way toward reducing feelings of loneliness and isolation, and helping others is personally rewarding.

what do you think?

[Fie]

Hello CharlieRose30,


Did you try out the video link ? Did it help a little ?

This is so tough, I know. My relationship broke off some weeks ago, too.  

Do you have a job, do you have to go back to work after the holidays ?


Fie

[CharlieRose30]

Thanks for the responses.

I have been seeing a therapist regularly, and have a good support network to lean on. I’m hesitant to go on medication at this point.

Fie, I watched the video and it helped a little at first, I might rewatch it again.

I guess the trouble for me right now is that it feels like I’ve Been written off completely by him. As if our relationship never existed and it’s as though he’s drawn a line under our time together and moved on, just like that. . I’ve been through break ups before, and they were tough. But this is on another level.

I also feel like I’ve become who he always accused me of being in the last few weeks. My confidence is shot, I’m feeling so insecure and down on myself and am blaming myself for a lot of this again. It’s like what he accused me of for so long has actually come true. I don’t know if that makes sense.

[once removed]

its really blindsiding to have a long term partner suddenly in another relationship. its a whole layer of disbelief and shock, added to the grief.

there are lots of things one can do to rebuild confidence... .though when things are fresh and raw, theyre the last things in the world youll feel like doing.

one of the best pieces of advice i got was to not just get back into my old hobbies (which help remind you of who you are) but to try new hobbies and skills. they go a long way toward building confidence.

what do you think?

[CharlieRose30]

Thanks for the reply Once removed. I think getting into some new hobbies is a good idea, thanks for the suggestion.

I guess for me, my whole life has been flipped. I relocated to another place for him and for us, and all our future plans were based around that. And now, I’m back home without him and even worse, with him hardly even speaking to me. And with no job and no home. Because I gave all that up to try and make him happy... And according to him this is what I deserve, and it’s my fault this didn’t work out. I apologise for the rant, I’m not sure if anyone will read this. But I’m feeling so frustrated.

Why does he get to walk away from our relationship with no consequences for his actions? He’s just moved right on. I know he’s not truly happy deep down but I do know that right now he’s not feeling a fraction of the pain I am.

I also know I really need to focus on me rather than him but I find that so hard. Does anyone have any advice on that?

[once removed]

I also know I really need to focus on me rather than him but I find that so hard. Does anyone have any advice on that?

it is good to focus on things that are in our control, and over time and through healing, it is good to shift to rebuilding our lives, but "focus on yourself" is not a solution to grieving a significant loss. when i lost my dad, no one told me "what you really need to do is focus on yourself". grief necessitates acknowledging, working with, mourning that loss. dont apply a pressure that says thinking of him = bad.

by the same token though, there are tools to limit and manage the process when it is not constructive, or when its overwhelming.

dealing with ruminations: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0
mindfulness approaches and reframing troubling thoughts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=137440.0
not allowing others to rent space in our head: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.msg732928#msg732928

[Tsultan]

CharlieRose30, What helps me is saying the Serenity Prayer over and over. Sometimes I wonder if I wore it out!   

It got my mind off the thing I was obsessing about and it also made me think what can I change? What don’t I have the power to change. It brought peace oh and Serenity.  Hmmmm

It is important to feel those feelings. I found out it actually takes more energy to not feel them. I can’t selectively only feel the one I like either. Turns out someone said if you don’t feel the pain guess what? You rob yourself the ability to feel joy too.   I find this to be true.