I love him but can't live like this.

[Bubblesbaby]

Hi there,
This is my first post. I have searched and searched for a group where I can talk about what's been going on with someone who actually can understand.
I have been in a relationship for five years. It is a second relationship for us both, with us both having kids from previous marriage. I have always loved him. We were always insanely close however there relationship was always up and down like a rollercoaster. For a few years I thought maybe I was the one to blame, and I kept making excuses for his behavior. He would go from being the most amazing kind person in the world, my best friend, to a complete monster who would hurt me and almost get a kick out of it. There has been some you times he has broken me and my spirit, things he has done and said that I have tried to forgive him for and forget. But it's been very hard.
In May last year he had a few very bad episodes, one where he rang me at work screaming down the phone that I was cheating on him(we had only met for lunch an hour previously and he was in a great mood) and called me every name imaginable and told me he was leaving me. When I got home from work he had everything gone including pictures of the kids etc. Two days later he came back as he always did after episodes like that and apologised profusely. A few days later he had moved back in only to turn up at my work the following week shouting at me again that he had seen me looking at another colleague in a flirty way. Name calling, insults, shouting, twisting things... .every second or third day he would erupt and I spent my time walking on eggshells. It was only a few weeks later a friend of mine who knew someone with BPD told me about it. The more I researched the more I realised I was reading all about him and his behaviors. I made a mistake of gently suggesting that he go for CBT following a bad period where he lost his kids as his behavior was so awful that they refused to even speak to him anymore. He got very aggressive and started throwing insults at me and telling me how inadequate I was that I couldn't give him a child ( we had two miscarriages and fertility issues). He said some awful things and I eventually kicked him out. I told him I refused to be treated like that. I started putting up boundaries and he escalated his behavior.suicide threats, suicide attempts, stalking, harrasing me at work and at home, constant texts and calls, calling my parents about absurd accusations. The list goes on. Then he finally got some help. Everyone in his life told him he needed help. His psychiatrist put him on medication and he started seeing a therapist. A few weeks passed and he was more stable however I could see it emerging as time went on. Then he had another few big episodes, aggressive and scary. His doctor upped his meds, put him on a waiting list for dbt. They have diagnosed BPD.
I've had to put up boundaries. It's killing me. I love him but can't live like this. My family tell me stay away from him and they don't understand how torn I am or how this is not his fault, that he is I'll. My friends have berrated me for putting up boundaries as they tell me I'm stringing him along and playing mind games with him which is going to make him worse. I feel so alone in all of this.
Sorry for the extra long post, that's the short version haha. If you have read it all you deserve an award!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, Bubblesbaby!

That sounds like a very difficult situation with a lot of heartache and I'm so sorry. You'll find that people here can definitely understand what you're going through. We've all been there (or at least in the general vicinity). It's very hard for people who haven't lived with it to truly understand.

That's very good that he's been diagnosed (many here, including me, have spouses or partners who have not) and that he's getting professional help.

I definitely understand your feelings and reluctance to leave. I've been tempted to leave my H over the last several months, yet I love him. I love the relationship I thought we had. And I want to give him the chance to get better. At the same time, I don't want to live the way I live and I find myself getting more and more resentful, fearful and angry at the way he treats me. It really is like being torn in two.

Are you still living together in the same house? Have you sought any therapy or help for yourself? For instance, have you talked to a domestic violence counselor? His threats and behaviors sound very concerning and someone specializing in DV can be a big help to you in finding ways to keep yourself and your children safe.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

What you describe with your husband is concerning to say the least.  You said you had to set boundaries and his behaviors increased.  That, unfortunately, is common.  After initiating boundaries, an extinction burst can occur where you do see a temporary increase in the undesired behavior.  The good news is that in time, his behavior may settle down. 

Ozzie asked if you have sought help for yourself.  It can be very helpful to do so as this type of relationship can be very stressful.  We can also support  and listen to you here as well.  Don't underestimate the benefits of posting here.  We have a lot of articles for you that might help but I think the best place to start is by reading threads and jumping in and posting to others.  Not only will you build a sense of community but it is good to see you are not alone. 

So I hope you dive in and get comfortable and read and post.   We get it here and can support you in your choices.

[Copycat2018]

Hello,
Thank you for posting about your situation. It sounds very difficult and what i wonder about is, did you look at the tools offered here and tried to apply them?
I mean we are trying to do something positive, for ourselves and for others in similar situations.

I personally looked at my own conduct and found that often i harbor a lot of resentment because of what he had done to me, for which he never never took any responsibility ( unlike what you desrcribe that he did apologize) and i found that i was invalidating very very often simplyout of anger over these acts that are so hurtful yet unacknowledged by him.

Maybe you could look at the list of tools provided here and start using them?

Another suggestion i have is that he finds a specialized therapist, not everyone will do a good job. Knowledge of this condition and how to deal with it is crucial, that is what i understand from what i learned here... .
So make sure he has a good therapist specializing in BPD.
Hope this helps!