Help with restoring a relationship with my BPD Ex

[j87]

Hey, this is my first post. I’m in a very tricky  spot with my ex and I’d like to really try and mend our relationship. Thanks for any responses!

We dated for 5 months. The last month after the first breakup I started to realize that my partner, female, pretty much had all the traits of someone with undiagnosed BPD. After seeing a therapist on a regular basis she confirmed my suspicion.

We have been broken up for a month. She wanted to remain ‘friends’. We have been talking on and off and hanging out but every week there is a push/pull dynamic, so one day she will be receptive and the next we aren’t talking again. I have been very patient and caring and reading a lot about the disorder.

She seems to want to hold on to me but I imagine she has other guys lined up and might be potentially pursuing something. But I know that I’ve been one of her most stable and loving partners and that our bond was very real. I doubt any of the others would have even looked into BPD and put  all the pieces together. She holds down a job, is very creative, has friends, but it’s obvious romance is very intense for her.

Two weeks ago we hung out and she said she felt ugly around me and that I bring out the worst in her. Though I’ve  never been angry around her and have tried to validate her perspective while trying to work things out, I realize that I am bound to be a trigger. This past week we hung out once and it was good, exchanged some texts, and then she goes cold on me and gives me the silent treatment. It seems like when I show too much interest she is less attracted and/or when she gets the validation she needs she cares less afterwards. I have been giving her a lot of space, haven’t been very pushy, and have tried to be consistent, patient and caring.

I know that many will say this relationship won’t work and I am willing to eventually walk away if it does not improve. But the good has outweighed the bad. I’m am willing to do what it takes, including working on my own issues.

Any advice on how I can restore our relationship to a healthy dynamic would be really helpful. I realize it won’t ever get back to the honeymoon/idealization phase. But I know she wants a partner to stay with and because of my love for her I don’t want to give up on her. Any insight would mean a great deal to me. Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi j87,



I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to this website. The push / pull behaviour can feel like crazy making behaviour if you're the non partner.

Can I ask what led to your break up?

I know that many will say this relationship won’t work and I am willing to eventually walk away if it does not improve. But the good has outweighed the bad. I’m am willing to do what it takes, including working on my own issues.

I think that she knows that you're always available for her that's why she's not showing interest, my advice would be and I think that you have the right idea is work on your own issues and minimise contact with her. I'm not telling you to walk away or to stop talking to her completely What I am saying is don't be available all of the time, find something else to distract yourself with, hobbies, projects, working out etc.

[j87]

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for the response.

We had multiple breakups. The main issue seemed to be that she felt that I was too controlling and that we were hanging out too much. I believe I became a bit too codependent, but would never control someone. I told her we could find a balance, but even when we started to she still seemed frustrated. Two weeks into getting back together she said it felt like we were going out again, calling too often, and that she didn’t want to hurt me. Everytime  I tried to come up with a solution and talk about the issues she would shutdown and get triggered. It seems like she thinks that if a relationship is meant to be then there won’t be  a need to have these conversations. What she often repeats to me is that you don’t give me space and I feel cornered. I’ve learned to give her a lot of space and avoid the triggers and I feel like I can handle these situations and her expectations a lot better now but haven’t been given a solid chance.

I got a very short response to a text yesterday, then texted her that evening, basically saying that I found a cool new  restaurant and that I hoped she had a good day. It doesn’t require a response but I know she is doing the silent treatment. But I probably won’t hear from her until I reach out after a few days of silence, which has been the cycle often. I really just want this cycle to smooth out to a degree.

I’ll take your advice and be less available and contact her less too. I don’t want to enable this behavior but I’m also unsure of how to confront her about it. Perhaps giving her less opportunites to create this dynamic will help.

Thanks-J

[Luan]

She holds down a job, is very creative, has friends, but it’s obvious romance is very intense for her.

Two weeks ago we hung out and she said she felt ugly around me and that I bring out the worst in her. Though I’ve  never been angry around her and have tried to validate her perspective while trying to work things out, I realize that I am bound to be a trigger. This past week we hung out once and it was good, exchanged some texts, and then she goes cold on me and gives me the silent treatment. It seems like when I show too much interest she is less attracted and/or when she gets the validation she needs she cares less afterwards. I have been giving her a lot of space, haven’t been very pushy, and have tried to be consistent, patient and caring.

I have been through a very similar relationship of 4 mths, with a very similar outcome. Unfortunately, the love and care we show is the trigger, in as much as a person with BPD is being forced to reveal their true self. As they have spent a long time trying to cover up their trust issues, emptiness, abandonment fears etc, it is easier for them to go back to what they know works. I gave space, wasn't pushy, but I feel my ex has a barrier in being close with me again, fearing that her world will be too dramatic. If they are not ready/don't want to dismantle their protection mechanisms, it would seem no amount of love in the world will compel them. They have the skills to have any number of new suitors as their disposal - a much easier and more familiar path than a deeper commitment built of trust and communication.

My ex (undiagnosed) gave me the very cool detached responses, wished me well on my journey etc, only days after expressing her undying love etc. At the time it was very painful and confusing. We question every little scrap of conversation, interactions etc, but little of that matters once they have made their decision. Like someone described on here, it is like a switch goes off.

My conclusions are when you are in the relationship you may have a chance to avoid the devaluation/splitting, but once it has happened, there is very little to do but express your love and care, leave the door open for re-connection, and then get on with your life without them.

Sad, but true. All the best, and keep expressing yourself on here, because you won't find a more caring forum for the journey you are on.

Luan

[Purplex]

Hi j87, I’d like to join Mutt and welcome you to the family!
You sound like a very caring and understanding individual and I feel like you are already handling your part of the situation pretty well by keeping the pressure low.
I got some additional questions if you don’t mind.

Is your ex still committed to therapy? If so this is great, but it also means that she is probably just at the beginning of a long and painful journey to self-awareness. So patience is key here.

Do I have it right that you broke up twice?

Two weeks ago we hung out and she said she felt ugly around me and that I bring out the worst in her.

Did she elaborate on that?

She seems to want to hold on to me but I imagine she has other guys lined up and might be potentially pursuing something.

How would you feel and react if it came to that?

I know that many will say this relationship won’t work and I am willing to eventually walk away if it does not improve. But the good has outweighed the bad. I’m am willing to do what it takes, including working on my own issues.

I think this is a great attitude to set the course for the best possible outcome but also protect yourself.

[j87]

Hi Purplex,

Thanks for the encouragement. My ex tried therapy years ago but gave up. I doubt she ever got a proper diagnosis, I think she mentioned someone said she was B Complex. But she has made no efforts to confront her issues through therapy. She realizes that something is off, and more recently said she felt like she was going through a metamorphosis. Right now I think she is just going out with friends and drinking often. I’m sure she’s in pain, but her leaving people and vice versa seems to be what she is used to. I don’t know what would be a wake up call for her to get therapy. Maybe I should gently suggest it.

Yes, she broke up with me many times in one month. The first time it happened  I talked her into reconsidering but the next day she did again. A week later I spent the night and she did it the next day. The day after she invited me over and we were together for two weeks. Then it happened again. A week later she invited me over again, but then told me to leave and exploded with rage. We tried remaining friends, one night she invited me over and I caved and came over. We managed to stay friends during that. Now I am just trying to maintain contact as a friend but it is very hot and cold.

She said I bring out the worst in her because she feels angry and upset around me, feels like she acts like a child. She wants me to call her out for her bad behavior  but I think if I were to in a critical way she would leave.  I think because she is comfortable that I won’t leave during these moments, it naturally comes out now that I’ve seen a side of her that she hides so perfectly from others. I’m not sure how to express my boundaries without upsetting her or her blaming me for her actions.

If she were to bring up seeing other people around me I would be hurt, but willing to give her a chance. But I wouldn’t sit on the side for too long, because I don’t deserve that. Its very tough for me because she has tried but what she gives me to work with is so little.

Thanks for your advice!

[Mutt]

I’ll take your advice and be less available and contact her less too. I don’t want to enable this behavior but I’m also unsure of how to confront her about it.

Think supply and demand if you have something that you have plenty of you don’t really want it. If something is rare then you want that thing. - you probably feel that way right now.

She said I bring out the worst in her because she feels angry and upset around me, feels like she acts like a child. She wants me to call her out for her bad behavior  but I think if I were to in a critical way she would leave.  I think because she is comfortable that I won’t leave during these moments, it naturally comes out now that I’ve seen a side of her that she hides so perfectly from others.

You did that she knows that there’s something off with her but she’s not ready to do the work. You can’t control someone else you can only control how you act and react.

Intimacy triggers the disorder it’s not your fault that she gets triggered she’s suppose to manage herself it’s not someone else’s responsibility.

I think that you have the right idea with not being critical or at least package it differently with SET show support, validate her feelings then communicate your truth.

Id feel confused with the mixed messages and I’d feel really hurt hearing about someone else being in the picture.

[Purplex]

I feel like her getting therapy, acknowledging her problems and wanting to change is utterly important for things to get better. No matter how enganged and supportive you are, there is only so much you can do for your relationship if she is not willing to contribute her part. But her comment about the metamorphosis could be a hint that she is at a turning point right now. She might decide to keep behaving in a familiar pattern (leaving and distracting herself if things get to stressful) but maybe she is slowly opening up to the possibility of adressing her problems. I have no personal experience with getting a pwBPD into therapy, my guy already was in therapy for some time when we met and it helped alot. This is why I'm putting so much emphasis on the issue. But there is information on this side about how to proceed and maybe some other members can offer their experiences. It's certainly a very sensitive task though, so if you decide to bring it up be prepared and extra careful.

She wants me to call her out for her bad behavior  but I think if I were to in a critical way she would leave. 

Walking on egshells is not going to help either, especially in the long run. I would suggest to look into the communication tools offered here, carefully respond to her request and see what happens. What do you think?

I’m not sure how to express my boundaries without upsetting her or her blaming me for her actions.

It's important that you phrase your boundaries so that they are about you, not about her. She might still be upset and angry at you since this is a change in dynamic between you two that she isn't used to. That's why you need to be prepared to still follow through and accept her reaction.

If she were to bring up seeing other people around me I would be hurt, but willing to give her a chance. But I wouldn’t sit on the side for too long, because I don’t deserve that. Its very tough for me because she has tried but what she gives me to work with is so little.

I understand. It's so damn hard to let go even if you are hurting when there is still some hope left. But this is where I finally drew the line with my pwBPD. I made clear that he was exceptionally important to me, but that I wouldn't put myself in that situation any longer. Of course I was hoping for him to come around,  but he couldn't. I was heartbroken but I still left and moved on. It took three months for him to change his mind. The thing is - I didn't expect that. I was ready for either outcome and determined to accept the consequences of me setting this boundary. And I only came back because he was ready to accept it too.

[j87]

Thanks for the insight Purplex

I’m definitely going to try work out those boundaries with her and be more open if I get the chance. I know she is wanting to get help, but thinks she may only need medication for depression. I’ve mentioned therapy to her before in a subtle way.

Right now I’m just worried because of all the ups and downs we’ve had in trying to maintain a connection, even though I’ve been stable. I’d like to reach out in a few days if I don’t hear from her, but I’m also afraid to be ignored and rejected yet again. Its a no win situation, but ultimately I’ve always offered compassion and she has seemed to appreciate that. I feel like the more time goes on the more distance there is. I end up missing her more, but perhaps she has just been weaning herself off of me.

I think if it comes down to it I will ultimately do what you did. I’ll state my feelings  and say I’d like to work things out when shes ready, but until then I won’t be able to offer the same time and support.

[Purplex]

In general, medication should be used as a supplement to psychotherapy not as a replacement. While medication might help to temporarily alleviate the symptoms, psychotherapy is mandatory to tackle the underlying issues and teach coping skills to fall back on in stressful situations in the long term. Psychiatric drugs, especially antidepressants are not intended or suitable as a long-term measure and offer no cure, only stabilization. Nevertheless, it’s a start and it’s good that she wants to get help, but to me it seems like she prefers to take the seemingly easy route. If she follows through with that, a good psychiatrist will urge her to seek therapeutic help as well.
How did she react to you mentioning therapy?

Right now I’m just worried because of all the ups and downs we’ve had in trying to maintain a connection, even though I’ve been stable. I’d like to reach out in a few days if I don’t hear from her, but I’m also afraid to be ignored and rejected yet again. Its a no win situation, but ultimately I’ve always offered compassion and she has seemed to appreciate that. I feel like the more time goes on the more distance there is. I end up missing her more, but perhaps she has just been weaning herself off of me.

I agree with Mutt’s approach here. Since you are always available, she gets what she wants out of your relationship and doesn’t even have to consider your interests or wishes. She probably didn't even get the chance to miss you. Maybe it’s time to take a step back and focus on yourself for a bit. Stability is not so much about keeping everything the same, but beeing consistent and thoughtful in your actions and communicate them well. Change can be executed in a stable way too.

I think if it comes down to it I will ultimately do what you did. I’ll state my feelings  and say I’d like to work things out when shes ready, but until then I won’t be able to offer the same time and support.

Honest but firm, sounds good to me. Just be prepared to let go if it really should come to that. You wont know if she will come around or not, so keeping an open mind is fine, but don't wait for her.

[j87]

Thanks Purplex,

She said in the past that when she went she didn’t stick with it, and didn’t think that they could understand her. She seems to think that her experience is so subjective and that people should be able to deal with their issues on their own.
.
I’m starting to think that it’s a case of my having been friendzoned on top of the BPD. She’s obviously lost attraction for me and probably thinks I’m the desperate one, even though I haven’t resorted to anything close to asking to get back together. The fact that I was there for her in her dark moments after the breakup helped her and I thought I was showing her I wouldn’t abandon her. But now she seems to be in a more positive state, going out with friends, no signs of her issues for a week or two. I thought showing her I was accepting of who she is would prove my worth. But now she probably thinks she’s doing me a favor. she’s beaten down my self esteem so methodically, and now I feel like she thinks that’s just who I am. Meanwhile she acts like she’s perfectly fine.

I spoke on the phone with her today. Suggested grabbing a coffee  tomorrow and she said maybe, text me tomorrow. She is a bit busy but obviously hesitant. I think that if I hang out with her I’ll try to be the confident and attractive person she met and then maintain a lot more space and show less interest. Hopefully she’ll see that shes losing me. I’d rather her experience the peson she was originally attracted to and then let her experience my inceasing absence if she shows no interest. Maybe that makes sense?

Thanks -J

[once removed]

so how is it going? any update?

[j87]

Hey Once Removed,

She was busy this friday, so we didn’t hang out, just briefly texted. Its my impression that she isn’t into the idea because she was dogsitting and could have easily made time. I haven’t texted or spoken to her since. Its my Birthday on tuesday, so by 4 days of no contact I’ll see if she wishes me Happy Birthday at least. And I don’t think I’ll initiate much contact after that. I think she needs to get the impression that she’s losing me and reach out to initiate something?

Its really impossible to understand what to do in this situation because if I don’t contact her for a while she may just move on and think I don’t care. It’s not as if I have been split as a bad person, she rarely does that and often reconnects. I think I’m seen as a friend who obviously wants to spend time together  and maybe she knows I want something more. And perhaps her feelings shift about me day to day.

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. This has been a really important relationship to me and we truly connected on so many levels.  Thanks-J

[j87]

Update: 1/14/19

She called yesterday, after a day of NC, asking for a favor. Wanted me to move her bike, but I didn’t have the key. She knew this but somehow forgot. She sounded sweet for a moment, then asked how I was in an almost forced and cold tone. I can’t tell if it was a way to see if I was still there, but it was a very short conversation and she seemed more interested in her bike than me. Its my Bday tomorrow so I’m going to wait to hear from her.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? Am I holding onto hope where there is none?

[Purplex]

Hi J,
first of all I wish you a happy birthday and hope that you can put all the trouble aside for a while, focus on you and enjoy your day!

Now my thoughts on the situation.
It's obvious that she is struggling with beeing close to you because closeness brings forth a lot of her insecurities and it seems like this led to her ending the relationship. Of course she could have different reasons and there might be other issues involved. But as long as she avoids talking about it and does show no interest in working it out for herself or with you, you won't know for sure.
The only thing you can rely on, is that she wants no relationship, only friendship, because that's what she told you and this is what her behavior seems to suggest as well. At least for the moment.
You on the other hand want her back, so this sucks big time. But remember that you can't change her thoughts, feelings or behavior as long as she is not willing or ready to change herself, no matter how hard you try.  You are in control of your own actions and reactions though and I feel like it's time to draw some boundaries and stand up for yourself because your needs and wishes are important as well.

What is your plan moving forward if she does/doesn't reach out today?

[once removed]

It seems like when I show too much interest she is less attracted and/or when she gets the validation she needs she cares less afterwards.

Its really impossible to understand what to do in this situation because if I don’t contact her for a while she may just move on and think I don’t care.

this is sort of the way it goes in a situation like this, where one party has broken up, and the other party is trying to reconcile the relationship. it can be highly confusing, because the person who did the breaking up will often push for friendship, be in contact for a while, and then once thats established, fade away a bit. thats a pretty normal course of events.

one thing that is also true is that its very difficult to read the mind of the person that did the breaking up. it would seem like if you dont show interest, she would think you just moved on, and continue moving on herself. but right now, she likely knows youre interested, and she is likely trying to move on. you pursuing her can fuel that, but the tricky thing is, you not pursuing her is likely not a threat to your chances. attraction in this case doesnt necessarily work that way. why? because you need a little room to create doubt and second thoughts in her mind. that can happen any time that she recalls the reasons she was attracted to you in the first place. if you couple that with her considering the possibility that youve moved on, it can be powerful. the reasons she ended the relationship may be further removed from her mind. the attraction might feel fresh and exciting instead of old news.

does that make sense?

are the two of you friends on social media?

[j87]

Thanks Once Removed, Purplex,

What you’ve both said makes sense. I feel that I missed my opportunity the last time we hung out because she was interested in me and I texted her the next day to meet up, and a few more times last week with no result. She sounded like she was tired of my actions or neediness. I think after a month of this push/pull she is frankly exhausted and doesn’t want to try again. This is the longest weve gone without seeing each other. I think at this point she would probably pursue a replacement. The majority of her friends are single guys right now, and she used to invite them over and get attention from them while I had to sit back and watch...

If she does reach out I’ll be nice and say thanks. And if she doesn’t then I’ll just be silent. Perhaps I’m not even on her thoughts enough for her to remember, or its intentional, or she thinks its an invitation for me to pursue her more. Who knows. Maybe she will remember eventually and feel bad. Either way I think I just won’t say anything for a while. And hopefully she will realize that she’s pushed me pretty far away and that loss will create some attraction as you say.

We are connected on instagram. She always seems to post stories when there’s a communication gap between us. I don’t watch them but can see the previews.

I guess besides cutting off contact for a while and waiting for something is there much else to do? Does it make sense to reestablish a casual conversation after a week or so of us not talking?

[CryWolf]

Hey J,

Happy birthday! any plans?

I want to second OR with the information he provided. Also, its normal for you to think that your ex isnt thinking about you. I thought the same too. Although, it feels like it, she will think of you.

I think giving her space, and letting her attraction grow on her own doing is the best position right now.

[once removed]

think of it less as cutting off communication, or showing her shes losing you, and more about just backing off and giving/taking space. use that space to dig into something new and exciting in your life, learn the tools here, etc. to get back to the best version of yourself.

Does it make sense to reestablish a casual conversation after a week or so of us not talking?

it all really depends on the nature of the conversation. light, fun, upbeat, confident, these things work best. dont just make conversation to make conversation, and dont force it. be in your zone, and have a point to it.

[Purplex]

The majority of her friends are single guys right now, and she used to invite them over and get attention from them while I had to sit back and watch...

She always seems to post stories when there’s a communication gap between us. I don’t watch them but can see the previews.

Interesting. This is exactly what my guy did/does. He also has a lot of female friends that he invites regularly and during our 3 months phase of no contact he posted a lot of status updates on whatsapp that were more or less clearly intended to provoke a reaction from me. Maybe this is her trying to get your attention as well. 

I guess besides cutting off contact for a while and waiting for something is there much else to do?

Exactly what once removed said, use the time to learn more skills, meet friends, distract yourself and concentrate on your own wellbeeing.

Does it make sense to reestablish a casual conversation after a week or so of us not talking?

If you can really keep it casual and wont fall back into old patterns maybe. Otherwise I would wait for her to reach out and go from there. If you feel like you need to clarify things, this is also still an option:

I’ll state my feelings  and say I’d like to work things out when shes ready, but until then I won’t be able to offer the same time and support.

I agree that you are probably a lot more often on her mind then you think.

[j87]

Thanks everyone,

I texted her last night about covering her bike with a tarp, since it was locked up. After not hearing from her the whole day I decided to do that since it was what we spoke about last. She didn’t say thanks, but sent a nice birthday message. I was with a mutual friend last night, so it’s possible he texted her to remind her, since he saw how I was so affected by it. So I don’t know what to believe.

I think its over at this point. I had my chance but I don’t think I showed her I changed enough in time. She changed a bit herself  but I think she’s done with it. In the end I think i’ve ended up in a really bad state. Lots of anxiety and sadness, and I think about it all every hour of the day. I’ve never experienced a loss like this. Things are just getting worse.

I won’t contact her for a while. I doubt she cares since it probably just stresses her out. If I do initiate a  conversation I’ll make it good.

How do her traits of BPD play into this as opposed to a regular breakup? Will she let go more easily? Will she finally realize that she could lose me for good and do something? I would think her fears would motivate her, but maybe she’s finally convinced herself that it isn’t healthy for her to be with me. I really don’t know.

[once removed]

i think, regarding your question(s), BPD traits dont make a lot of very specific difference in your circumstances. if shes a jealous type, she might freak out if she caught wind of you with another girl, that kind of thing. BPD doesnt necessarily predispose someone toward moving on more or less quickly.

human nature still applies to BPD. reconciling a relationship requires a lot of finesse. all of the normal things like chasing, pleading, begging, wearing our heart on our sleeve (i was the king of some of that in breakups past), as well as things like passive aggression, rehashing the old relationship fights, generally dysfunctional stuff, can hurt chances. the best, strongest card we can play is getting back to the best version of ourselves, the confident, attractive, upbeat person they were attracted to in the first place.

[Purplex]

Don't beat yourself up about what you should or shouldn't have done. You didn't miss your chance, you tried your best and were ready to work it out and make a change. She wasn't. That's not your fault!

I think the whole issue isn't so much about you or your behavior, but about her fears that get triggered by the closeness of yor relationship. Fear provokes a fight or flight reaction. You offered to fight together but she decided to run away. And dragging her back will only fuel this fear and her urge to withdraw. Extending a supportive hand and hoping for her to grab it eventually is all you can do. But you need to be able to provide enough stability for the both of you. This is why its even more important to pick yourself up and get your confidence and independence back. And if she doesn't reach out, you are still going to be ready for whatever comes next.

I agree with once removed that it depends more on her personality then on her BPD traits how she is going to handle the breakup. I know this is easier said then done, but try to ruminate less about her possible reactions and concentrate on you. What can you do to distract yourself? To feel better?   

[j87]

Thanks,

This all makes a lot of sense.

I’m not sure how to move on. I try to redirect my thoughts, and be positive, yet I still blame myself. Knowing myself, a year from now I’ll still be just as lost. And I’m certain I won’t find love like this for a long time, nor will I be willing to make myself vulnerable.

If I had known this was how she was, I would not have done this. I acknowledge my role but I doubt anyone would have been prepared for such an event. Experiencing intense love and then having it destroyed is no gift. I don’t think it is a gift for her to awaken me to my fears either. I doubt most people want to be abandoned and hurt by someone they love and would take it pretty bad. I think my fears will only grow. I find no solace in knowing that I will experience intense pain for a long time and she will most likely recover quickly because that’s what she knows. I’d rather have not lost than loved at all in this circumstance.

Maybe its too soon to tell the outcome, but I’m not sure I could ever trust her again.

Is there anything positive to take from this?

[once removed]

j87,

im speaking based on the assumption that you are essentially giving up hope, and that nothing will change. i agree it may be too soon to tell the outcome; please know you will have support however things go, and whichever path you choose.

Is there anything positive to take from this?

i dont like the use of the word "gift" either. my breakup was the hardest thing i ever went through. it was not something, at the time, that i wanted, and i struggled like i never have before. today im a lot more resilient in grief, and so in a lot of ways, it may always be the hardest thing i ever went through.

if you stick around here, and remain consistent in seeking support, if you really work the stages of grief and mourning to completion, and if you afterward dig into the lessons that these relationships can teach us, then i can assure you not only will you get through this, but you will emerge far stronger, far wiser, better equipped, and not only fearless, but with a far greater capacity for love.

i can imagine that is of cold or no comfort right now. it wasnt for me either. put it in the back of your mind and embrace it when youre ready. the idea that that could happen sustained me in my darkest moments. those darkest moments today are ancient history, but even now, i have so much to show for it. if you embrace and fight for your recovery, you will as well.

[j87]

Thanks Once Removed,

 I  appreciate your insight.

I’m feeling a bit better tonight. I reached out to friends and family today. Basically have been hearing the same thing from everyone for a month now—you don’t deserve this.

There was certainly a good deal of what I would think is emotional abuse. Yet something like  2/3 of the relationship was better than a dream. But this is the state now, so I guess I really just need to accept both as her.

Is it normal for people like this to just fade out without a goodbye? I would think it goes against her character. After the second breakup she wrote me a very heartfelt letter. But I know she has the capacity for intense anger too.  I’m going to keep up the NC for now. I do want her to know that I still care though. Perhaps this is a test of sorts? Maybe she is waiting for me to confirm I’m done. or show I still care. Maybe she is protecting me from her true motives to end things.  But I would also think that  showing my limits through NC  would at least show my strength and character.

As much as I don’t want to let go, if someone is not there for me then I don’t want to  maintain a false hope. I’m  trying to grieve right now. But that could be interrupted by some sort of contact. I want to leave the door open despite the issues because I believe in her and am not expecting it to be perfect by any means. But I think letting go is the only healthy move at this point. Another chance would be a  surprise and I would be cautious I think.

[j87]

Update:

I’m starting to wonder if she is just waiting for me to contact her. Often it has worked this way in the past, I text her and eventually she reaches out. Its been 2 days of no contact, but more or less the least contact we’ve had in one week. I can definitely feel the distance, and have not asked to hang out in a week, so maybe its given her some space to reconsider.

I don’t know, I might cave in and try for a casual text conversation, nothing requiring a response at first.

I feel in better control of my emotions now. But I know her need for not sleeping alone will or has probably pushed her to find someone. I think if that goes on much longer she will probably feel some shame and not want to hurt me.

Hence I’d rather restore a dialogue of some sort than solidify our drifting apart. If that makes sense?

[once removed]

Is it normal for people like this to just fade out without a goodbye?

you have to remember that you and she are on different pages, seeing and approaching this differently.

it can be highly confusing, because the person who did the breaking up will often push for friendship, be in contact for a while, and then once thats established, fade away a bit. thats a pretty normal course of events.

friendship with an ex is a very different relationship than a romantic relationship, or usually even the friendship that came before the romantic relationship.

on your end, you want to get back together. mentally speaking, youre more caught up in the day to day process than she is. if a day goes by and the two of you dont speak, its a bigger deal for you. it feels urgent and you feel the distance. it can make you want to act to close that distance.

if you think about it, you likely dont think that way about your other friendships. if a day, or maybe even a week goes by, you might notice, but its not an urgent thing... .its you and your friend doing your thing, and youll catch up soon. you feel secure/content about where things are.

that is closer to the page that shes on. shes less, or not, caught up in the day to day process. shes more content with where things are, that the two of you are on good terms, friends, and that she can reach out when/if she wants. so that natural distance, that transition, starts to sink in.

generally speaking, this is normal. its also not a bad thing, in terms of it being a threat to your chances. it feels scary, i know. the tendency is to project about whats going on in her head or not. the reality is that really nothing has changed.

your best bet is really to adjust to the distance. to be less caught up in the day to day process, and less in her head, get a bit lost in building up your life. it is emotionally going to be a better place from which to operate from trying to get her back. the more you can ride out the waves, the urgency to do something, the more you will ultimately adjust, and the stronger position youll be in. at that point, when she reaches out, it will be for a reason, and you will have something to show for it. thats going to be a lot more attractive long term than talking to her every day or every other day.

make sense?

[j87]

Yea that makes sense.

I guess I felt the last time I saw she was being more flirtatious, open, and generally comfortable around me. So I thought I could sense her wanting to reconcile things. She had invited me to stay over her place a week before, even though it didn’t go that well we had at least been a little intimate. We’ve been ‘friends’ for a few weeks now, and it seemed like the drama was dissipating and she was becoming more trustful. But now its lost a lot of momentum.

I guess I sense the connection slowing down, and her losing interest. No more phone calls too. So I’d like to reinvigorate it. But I can see that maybe she is feeling differently and that there is no rush. But the other side is that  I know that she tends to rush relationships and is impusive.

I’d like to just ride it out for a while, but its getting closer to being  broken up for 2 months, and I think when she finally ends things she doesn’t look back. I’ll  try to consider my options and not act impulsively myself.

[once removed]

one of the common pieces of advice here is to consider the old iteration of the relationship "dead", and to grieve and mourn it. and then to consider any new iteration of the relationship as a new relationship.

thats the transition youre working toward. its an awkward one. its also a necessary one.

thats what riding out the urgency means here. getting to a new headspace. letting things play out a bit and take their course.

acting on the anxiety or urgency is just fighting for the old relationship. she (at least mostly) doesnt want that.

a new relationship with you will look a lot more attractive. the transition has to happen before that can take place. if all goes according to plan, thats where her interest will be.