The love of my life - II

[Sandb2015]

As I feel more capable by educating myself, I do see where I could have put a blanket on instead of gasoline on the fire.  That does bring feelings of regret and guilt. I’m dealing with that.  At the same time, I feel closer to her because of my understanding and want to be better equipped for her, us and myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

I’m feeling many things and I’m becoming aware that I am exhibiting some of my loves symptoms.

I’m not a jealous guy, you can’t control your partner.

I’ve never had an abnormal amount of paranoia, but what I am feeling is the sense that her sister and brother in law and mutual friend are being warn out enough to cut me off, I know it’s unreasonable and probably untrue and I don’t even know what their limitations are. They understand only that she is wrong which isn’t necessarily a good feeling, I want them to see and feel what’s happening and frankly, they can’t.

They try and they know me and my intentions and have been badgering her to stop mistreating me, overlook or get past her focus on my insignificant past or her ideals.  Pure reasoning and logic.

She’s as stubborn as can be, perhaps another word is better, can’t think right now.

I wasn’t aware of these issues before, she did warn me she is suspicious, slightly paranoid and trust problems.  I had no idea and the fact that she does have awareness is amazing and just takes it as an understanding of herself.

I poked a sleeping and hungry bear with insignificant things to me, not her.  I thought being nurturing, sharing, patience, understanding would be a quick path to relieving those issues, not
My intentions were always pure, I love her, I’ll do my best for her and her son, etc.

I’m limited thinking just having good intentions was enough, she will see what is not always apparent.  As much as she was relentless in her pursuit of my past in order to label me in our relationship, I didn’t know it would be a bottomless pit of digging to catagorize me and paint my picture so she can perhaps devalue me and attack.  I thought when I could escape the questions and be absolutely honest instead of wondering why she wanted to know such ridiculous things, I was giving her closure on many matters she worried about.

Essentially, she would really blow up about the fact that I am doing everything else I’ve done in past relationships and will eventually get sick of her, just float along until something better comes and just give up, leave, lose interest.

About a year into this relationship I clearly saw her sabotage, her self fulfilling prophecy and I told her it’s destructive and that I won’t give up as she keeps needing to.

I know I’ve been devalued to a crushing extent, I know I’m not the terrible things she has labeled me.  What I do know is I have insecurities , self esteem issues, some trust issues and they aren’t mysterious or confusing, just there and almost always aware of their effects on me.

I knew my love for her, my connection, my intentions were all the right ingredients to grow together in an intimate way that I haven’t had the desire before to confront my demons to share with another, it just wasn’t there and I did just “go along until things fell apart” or was in relationships I had no real intentions when I was in.

I’m guilty of knowing what I’ve done and with that, this relationship was the opposite in every way.

[Sandb2015]

I feel compelled to write her a letter, as you guys can see, I find keeping things short difficult and my mind just flows with thoughts and ideas.

I want her to read what I wrote, it’s hard.

She hasn’t blocked me, iPhone system let’s you know with the green color. I broke down and sent her a simple text, “I miss you”.  My paranoia states she will or definitely would have blocked me as she is suffering us in some way.

I’ve been giving the advice here and elsewhere that this time apart could be my friend and hers.

I don’t want to stir things up, I think a letter could be meaningful.

On the other hand, she might have completely moved on with malice in order to escape the things she can’t confront.

[once removed]

i think at this point a letter would likely flood her.

what i would suggest is writing out what you want to say and posting it here.

[Sandb2015]

I was not aware, she did tell me outright she has trust, suspicion  issues.  I thought with my arrogant ideas of patience, understanding and acceptance, I could counter those feelings and thoughts.

[Sandb2015]

Why do I feel this anxiety, this sense of extreme urgency?  I go through stages of trembling and it's all a mental to physical thing.  I haven't sleept in a week or so, just a few hours a night, just enough food to keep me moving.

Is it because i'm afraid there is a window that's closing, the time apart is giving me the impression that she is "building a case" against for her comfort?

Any ideas?

[Steps31]

I tend to ruminate and I found this video helped me A LOT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k7y6ikkwEY&list=PLa3Ll9dKtRVc-uvby6huzLDxb3TCxPlkp

[once removed]

Is it because i'm afraid there is a window that's closing, the time apart is giving me the impression that she is "building a case" against for her comfort?
Any ideas?

thats probably part of it. i know i had a tendency to be in my partners head, and in my extremely anxious state, i probably wasnt on the mark. its also easy for me to see now, that every second that went by was not "time running out". anxiety just tells us it is, and that we must do "something", even if it sabotages our goals; its more about the need to soothe that overwhelming anxiety. you really dont have to do anything. what is true is that every second is time you can spend learning, and more importantly, taking care of yourself. those are the productive, constructive things you can do right now.

I haven't sleept in a week or so, just a few hours a night, just enough food to keep me moving.

it is also this, and i cant stress that enough Sandb. when youre depriving yourself of food and sleep, your body operates on that incredibly anxious level, and it only gets worse.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you, I know this overwhelming feeling of urgency is anxiety to want something, answers, just a something to hold on to.

2020 and Weejie,

I appreciate your sharing, I am overwhelmed that others have very similar circumstances.  I know how difficult it is to share because others don't see in the "outside" world and writing makes you see what the reality is about what has happened, is happening, may happen.  It's tough and I have trouble going into details about my love because I still want to protect her from the world.

My writing here of what I feel comfortable about has shown me past my shortcomings and the problem as a whole.

I know I will be devastated if we can't get together, I know I'm devastated now knowing that my love could most likely have a personality disorder.

I'm mostly devastated that her potential disorder may be the thing that pushes me away.

[Sandb2015]

Resentment is creeping in complicating my feelings even more.

I need to separate me from her, I want to cap my feelings in order to examine them.  I want to stop putting myself in her shoes (nobody can).

I don't do angry well and I need clarity, not more confusion.

I'm meeting her brother in law tonight to eat, he asks that we not talk about her, actually last sunday he spent 4 hours with me and he didn't know the details his wife does and I assumed he did.  I ended up sounding like I was bashing her.  If he knew, I might not have sounded that way because he said that he's only hearing what she did to me and how much I love her, I was crying on and off for 4 hours and cried going home and at home.  He gave me the impression that she is upset, sticking to the story that I ruined her life and I need to give her time.  I must say that he is being or was doing his best to be objective, which given the fact that I don't particularly like him, he is a stand up person.  I know her sister is frustrated, sees us as something beautiful, knows how difficult she can be and has probably heard the details of all my wrongdoings  and how unacceptable they are to my love.  I know there is a breaking point all around, the family has pleaded with her, out of country parents, her close friends.  I believe the constant is that she can't take it, the relationship is so difficult after I ruined it.

I look forward to continue posting here regardless, I think if we are together it will be something that will cause great stress to her I think.

I'm trying not to project as to what other people are thinking and feeling, I'm afraid to be cut off further from her and I fear her sister and husband may stop wanting to discuss this at all.  The sister is the key, she is trying to relate to me that we are finished, can't trust me, all trust is gone (WHAT TRUST ?) and the sister is still trying to give me hope because she may know her sister better.

There have been discussions that the cultural difference may also matter being she is here 17 years and will not date her own nationality.  I was brought up in a very large city and have mixed it up with every nationality, nothing is foreign to me.  It sounds like excuses.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you moderators, I know this thread will be long, I have too many thoughts and emotions and don't want to crowd the other threads... .This is far from over.

This is the only placewhere I can express all my stuff


Okay, had dinner with the brother and law, he's kind, very diplomatic.  He states he doesn't know too much, I try to believe him, why not.  He's telling me she is "not ready", I didn't ask about that, it would just feed into my "obsession" with everything. As mentioned before, I don't really like him, he probably doesn't like me either and I want to be with my loves sister and brother in law just to keep the connection of hope alive.

He also mentioned strongly to "be cool", I asked him for details about that and he was just trying to tell me to think about myself it seemed.  The whole time I was looking for some indication that there should be hope, I didn't see one way or the other.  They aren't cutting me off and I haven't have any contact with my love since a few days ago, I sent a text unlike my usual epic texts... ."I miss you"... .no response.  I'm trying to "stay cool" whatever that means.

On a different note, my job was going well 12 years ago and took a catastrophic downward spiral over the last 2 years which added to our home stresses financially. I missed so many days at work due to getting kicked out, woken up at 2am to hear she had a dream and it was real, go sleep in another room... .she would come in the other room and start devaluing me for an hour or so later leading up to being thrown out with no sleep etc. Sometimes being awakened at 6am or so  to some serious anger and blasted for my past and how it ruined her life, she can't accept it (I had relationships before), she said she can see me having sex with my exes and it's my fault, get out, you have 30 minutes to pack... .these things happened with frequency and sometimes I didn't budge and things worked out, others I felt compelled to leave, most of the time I met at her work later and came home to hugs.  I was looking for employment in "our" state, I was working in another state with a terrible commute and besides needing something more stable, more lucrative, she thought I was staying where I was to "keep ties" with my past.  The truth was and she knew it, I wanted to provide better and be closer to home, I hated coming to the neighboring state to work and my job which was sometimes a safe haven among the chaos at times is now a place I am releasing all my hate of my situation and I'm barely holding on until a good job comes. I won't make a desperate move and I'm only looking close to where me and my love lived.  I want to think it may work out and the worst case is I end up working in that state and finding a place there.  I went from a 22 mile commute that took about an hour with $15 in tolls to 50 mile 1.5 hour commute in the opposite direction of where me and my love lives/lived.  I'm living on a futon with my Aunt and Uncle in their 70's now, loving and kind, traumatized with my situation and I don't belong there.  I've always been a loyal and consistent employee, my bosses and owner value me and I never had an idea that I could be fired, another person in a similar situation would have been let go, I'm lucky except for the steady and devastating income.  I think of other people suffering with it their loves who may have it worse

I cry all the time, work, commuting, before sleep, in the shower, writing this, waking up, stopping for coffee.  I was struggling to quit smoking and I was doing well, I smoke more than ever now and I have no sanctuary anymore... .just my positive flashes that I'll find the good job and take rely on that as a positive base to restore my life to some manageable degree

I'm disgusted and filled with hate, my favorite music in my car makes me sick.

I'm angry and obviously hurt and want desperately for my love to know AND FEEL what she has caused instead of all the things she said such as, my past has ruined her life, her thoughts are there because of me and she has determined that the consequences are I should be mistreated to no end, over and over.  What this illness is and what it does must be one of the worst things to happen to a person who truly loves another person.  I know I would die for my love, I just shouldn't be killed because I do.

[once removed]

i think "stay cool" means the kind of advice youre getting here. dont chase, or flood her.

its okay and even necessary to get it all out here on this board. i was a non functioning basket case, but i had good advice and feedback, and my ex never saw what was going on with me one way or another.

[Sandb2015]

I appreciate this board existence and everyone on it in a way I can't describe.

I want her back, I need to be cool and I will, I want her to think about me and the truth is she may not.

I can't control her wanting to reach out, loving me even a little, thinking how much life together is possible.

I will not flood her with my overabundant drowning sea.

[Sandb2015]

I have lost something I never lost ever regardless of the trauma, my sense of levity in the face of absolute devastation.  This is scary to me.

[once removed]

things will get better SandB, but not if we arent taking care of ourselves.

are you eating more? sleeping?

[Sandb2015]

I'm broken, I fight tears while eating, I go to sleep sobbing.  I try hard.

Thank you.

[once removed]

you might try melatonin for sleep. i did, and it worked like a charm. not only that, but my body was in such a bad way that the effect was like an antidepressant for a while.

[Sandb2015]

I can sleep when I'm not ruminating, I just don't sleep deeply and melatonin has negative effects on me, tried years ago.

I have an appointment with my primary car physician on 1/28, she's conservative and I may have to beg for Valium or clonopin, I had a different doctor a few years ago that gave them to me, I took the smallest dose, 2 or 3 times a week during some rough times and didn't feel compelled to need them often.

I hope I don't have to tell her the whole story.

[Sandb2015]

I've been glued to this board everyday, all day.  I pulled my back in the last few days somehow and I couldn't sleep and woke up in spasms, lots of pain today. I was happy for the diversion, the distraction, it's not.

I'm thinking of all the crazy concessions:

My love didn't like the clothes I had while with my ex, she thought she bought them or we bought them together in some passionate way, fun way, memorable way, not true of course, I bought them separately and some before my ex.  Besides throwing of some things here and there, she wanted all those clothes gone.  I bent and said, pick out the clothes that you feel bother you, she said I should know which clothes we bought together... .and I should do it right away.  I threw out some I knew in my head, she wasn't satisfied and threw out the rest.  I don't have any summer clothes.  At the time I thought I was fulfilling her need, that need was never fulfilled.  At the time I just wanted to get over with it, get new clothes together so she would smile.  When she threw me out, she kept my winter stuff she bought and said I don't want you to disrespect the next woman wearing clothes she bought.  I got them back passed through from the brother and law dinner together on 1/10, I felt bad for him and let him know.  He said as he gave me the bag, that she's not ready. ? That was a long ride home with 2 songs repeating the whole ride back to my Aunt's house.

Black-Wonderful life
Demis Roussos-Good bye my love

Really a long ride... .

As part of the purging of things I had with the ex, my laptop, she knew it and I threw it out, I didn't know I had old pictures, I thought I deleted them a long time ago, I did't and she went into the garbage after and that became another unspeakable thing I had done, had a past but now with images, that was a hell day and I didn't get thrown out for?

I was thrown out because an old ex texted me after 6 years saying her daughter was in trouble, attempted suicide a year ago and she was going down again and asked to see me and maybe I could help.  I've had the same cell # over 20 years... .  In order to regain trust (constant reminder my love can't trust me, I'm a liar, everything I say is a lie) I let her know right away and she wanted me to send a text back, F you, I don't care about you or your daughter.  I responded, please don't contact me anymore, I have my own family now and I can't help.

That was when I was thrown out badly, my love even went through my stuff and ripped up cards her son gave to me in confidence about being happy with me, grateful for me and hope I stay around. 

I'm just thinking, venting.  I realize she was getting worse and she knew she was getting worse, she said it, she was tortured by it, said she is killing me and she can't get over the images.

We had that discussion so many times and we got past it temporarily, she struggled and won, sometimes not, I saw it and fell in love even more because of it.

I've read the posts regarding someone with BPD having/not having the capacity to love, it was mixed with opinion and clinical studies with no real conclusion.

She did love me, she may be thinking of me now or completely moved on in haste, running so far out of pain and frustration from the struggle.  I am dying to reach out even after looking back on the craziness only because she struggled and wanted something great.

My birthday is in the beginning of Feb, just a few weeks away, I wonder... .

[Sandb2015]

I broke down last night and sent a text.

I miss you.
I care about you.
I know you are hurting also.
I love you.

I was shaking, expecting something negative. I feel like I’m breaking the law or something...

I know she saw it, I’m not blocked.

No response.

What’s wrong with a simple text ?

Everyone is saying, “give it time”.

[once removed]

What’s wrong with a simple text ?

youre in a state of a breakup, Sandb. shes signaled that she wants space. her brother, who knows her well, indicates you should give it.

at a certain point, if we ask for space, and someone doesnt give it, it can feel clingy, demanding, disrespectful, intrusive.

no one is saying "give it time". the message is "give her space". it is not a guarantee that she will change her mind, but not respecting her space is guaranteed to push her away.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you Onceremoved,

I can’t stop ruminating, I have myself, with this disease, you have yourself, the loved one, this board and maybe a therapist.

Right now as much as I’m dug in here, I only have myself and I’m questioning everything, this is terrible.

I’m meeting with her close friends, they don’t understand, they think highly of me and she has shared that I am the love of her life, her last man,

They don’t understand and they won’t send her messages or confront her at my request.

I just want her to know I believe in her, I’m not giving up, waiting.

It kills me that she may not even be thinking about me, moved on, dating site, etc.

[Sandb2015]

She would question that I’m shaving because I met someone at work. She would pre accuse me of being weak for a woman or seeking attention and getting it and leaving her at a new job I didn’t even get yet but looking for desperately.  She would give into her “intuition” that was fail safe, special powers that I want to go back to someone in my past.  The suspiciousness, paranoias and insecurity was beyond.

I was reading a text from her sister a week ago... .

B. called me to say that she is so tired of all this. She said that she doesn’t want to suspect you, dig into her doubts and suspicions, or interrogate you any more. She seems to have completely lost trust in you, and she said she would continue to do those terrible things if with you, regardless of whether or not you are always honest and sincere. She just wants to put an end to all that. She told me that she knows your love, but she cannot take it. This is what I heard, and I felt her frustration and pain. I just want to leave her alone. She IS tired.

Btw, she isn’t thinking about dating another guy. She had a foolish idea of telling you that just to make you give up on her. She is tired of the whole man thing.

Please tell me what you guys/gals think? Please

[once removed]

digging into this with and confiding with her friends can be intrusive too, Sandb. it is very likely to get back to her.

i understand the hurt, Sandb, i do, ive been there. so i also know how great the urgency is right now to not do anything that is going to sabotage your chances here.

B. called me to say that she is so tired of all this. She said that she doesn’t want to suspect you, dig into her doubts and suspicions, or interrogate you any more. She seems to have completely lost trust in you, and she said she would continue to do those terrible things if with you, regardless of whether or not you are always honest and sincere. She just wants to put an end to all that. She told me that she knows your love, but she cannot take it. This is what I heard, and I felt her frustration and pain. I just want to leave her alone. She IS tired.

Please tell me what you guys/gals think? Please

i think this is where she is at right now, and that it is a major indication that she needs space.

[Sandb2015]

Yes, thanks.

The urgency, the anxiety is extremely high.

She knows what she has been doing and she can’t see past it. Her explanation is she can’t take her issues and what it was doing to me.

I know she cares, even in a skewed way which doesn’t sound as bad as some stories here.

[Weejie]

I'm maybe not the one to talk, Sandb, as I've put my foot in it today. However, I can relate to how you are feeling. You are reeling inside. All the thoughts are asking yourself where you went wrong, wanting to put that right.
I have mostly been resisting the urge to try and expedite the process, because it usually hinders instead.
My loved one does appear to be in a lot of turmoil right now. She is sitting at home watching movies. It hurts me that she is having such a difficult time and the natural response is to want to comfort her. However, like your situation, the message I get is that time will heal. My negative, pessimistic side (not prominent, I am usually positive and optimistic) feels that time might make my love move on if I don;t express my own feelings for her. It doesn't work that way, though. It just overcrowds her. So, excruciatingly painful as it is, you have to hold back and let time work its way. I woke up yesterday (Monday, I'm in Scotland) and actually felt less pain. Was feeling more able to go about my life. Lo and behold, my love phoned. Things were actually going well, until I put my foot in it again. However, she has just texted me saying that she was sorry for losing it.
I'm trying to say that you should hold out. Give her the space and try (hard I know) to avoid negative thoughts about doing so. You have done nothing wrong except give in to your impulses and natural caring ways. Nevertheless, you are dealing with someone who thinks and feels in a very different, often unfathomable way. Try and learn how to approach it. I'm doing the same.

[Sandb2015]

Weejie, thank you, you pretty much nailed it.

My love is stubborn , excessively so.

She has never had a relationship worth spit, all terrible and I wonder why, I don’t wonder, I know. They were like ours minus the bond we share, I know. A terrible marriage, cultural and a prized child and very strong family pressure kept the marriage going. Nothing past 90 day relationships, she would joke nobody lasts more than 90 days.

I have hope as a base, but I’m painting over her with some of the more terrible stories here and thinking it’s her, it’s not.  She has some definite symptoms, there’s no doubt. I’m grateful for this board and I’m diving in a little too deep and at times convinced she is “this” and will do “that”. I’m treating this board like a place to learn and learn some more and also a template to my specific situation, not good. It’s creating a bit more negativity.

Thank you again, you guided me through the fog for a bit, a good bit.

I will read your post several times.

[Sandb2015]

A glimmer of hope?

Yesterday after being advised against from different areas... .I drove to my loves work and at first thought she was ignoring me... .it's a Martial Arts studio/school.  When she saw me, her face went sad and told me she is training and working late, she was apologetic.  She asked why I was there and I said I just wanted to see you... she wasn't cold or distant, she had a sadness without anger.  She apologized a few times and ask I come back on Thursday, she has some stuff to give me, mail, etc.  I said I'll stay and not take her time after work/training, it was late and I knew just seeing her felt good.  I waited and she didn't seem resistant to me at all, not distant, not angry, not upset.  I walked her to her car, I bucked her belt, kissed her cheek and went to my car about 50 feet.  Tuesdays were our norm, this was a ritual for 3 years.

After saying goodbye, I went to my car and she got out, came to my car --first time ever! I saw her coming and expected the worst (more of the worst).  She asked if I will come Thursday if I had time (I have all the time in the world these days), and reached out to hug and we hugged strongly.  I walked her back to her car, we kissed, I held her hand, she reached out and held mine and asked that I text her when I arrive back at my Aunt's home were I'm staying uncomfortably. I texted her, she texted me back.

That was the first time I've seen her in 12 days and 12 days ago it was terrible at her birthday dinner on 1/3.  I thought the worst that night and continued until last night... .

Against all advice, I reached out, didn't receive any response from texts in the last 12 days.  Last night was strange for me, I didn't know what I was going to get, I actually thought the worst and couldn't wait one more day, my "everything", insecurities etc, were playing on me. I followed my heart, I followed my gut.  I felt like every time before, she would actually think I abandoned her when she kicked me out only to ask why I left.  I felt the need to show her I have not left (mentally) and she is who she has always been to me.

I don't know what is ahead ( I feel positive), today, I feel the negativity creep back and I'm trying to shake it and I think I'm balanced- It will be tough, I hate my job, It's not a place for the timid or distracted and I'm desperate for another job, sending resumes every day.

I kept my talk very simple last night (virtually impossible for me, I'm overly wordy) and seemed to connect and I just didn't want to be pushy, I am the one that just showed up.  I feel like I made a connection.

I'm ready to validate, we didn't talk much yesterday, we'll see.

On a side note, I read here how much the word "but" causes so much chaos for a pwBPD, we would argue relentlessly about it and I would beat her up about proper grammar, vocabulary etc, I was a arrogant dingbat.  I overly use it to make my "points".  I am having that word surgically removed from my gray matter after posting this.

Feedback, opinions... .all welcomed... .

[Sandb2015]

I realize I have my own resentments, they aren't so bad to let go of and I know they come from me holding on to BS, build up of my own BS.  I know I've been holding them against her.  I know how invalidating I've been. 

Looking into myself has given me there rare opportunity to see her for who she is instead of us being one heart, mind, body.  I would project so much on her, my thinking, my philosophical BS, my brighter side.  These were demeaning to say the least.

I am not letting her off the hook, I just need to remember what intentions are.

My intentions are spectacular (in my mind) and don't translate well, I have to change how I translate my intentions with the tools I learned here.

Her intentions... .I would always think a rational mind knows everything eventually, ridiculous on my part.  I can't project good and bad intentions, it was a way to justify my arguments, moods and most of all reactions.

[once removed]

you threw a hail mary, and it worked. success rate is rare, but sometimes these things do work. its a positive development.

now, some major challenges are before you.

she will almost certainly have some doubts. she already did. she may pull back, either a little or a lot. you will need to be very strong in the face of that, and not over pursue. let her lead the course and pace of this, at her comfort level.

the old relationship conflicts are still present. you will need to find ways to resolve them.

if things get off the ground, within a few weeks there will likely be some tests, some obstacles. she may express her insecurities, fears, doubts. you will need to do a lot of listening, keep an even keel, and not react, but be a benevolent, strong, pillar of confidence.

you havent been in a place to take the best care of yourself in the past several days. your mental and physical health need your attention, or all of the above will feel like climbing a mountain.